So I think you're just getting this for now. Here is the update on solo-week:
It was pretty bad.
I cried in the car for a little bit, Thursday, between the end of the solo week and the beginning of my classes, at 1 pm. Just drove into the university parking lot, at the back, and cried until it was time for class. I felt like I was doing a bad job, and, more painful, I felt like I didn't know how to do anything to change that for the future. The feeling of having failed the students, compounded with the vision of how much good I could be doing, theoretically, versus how little I was actually doing, compounded with only getting 4 hours of sleep the night before, all lead to the result of feeling pretty dang horrible.
In terms of how the classes went objectively, it was between fine to bad. My lessons are ok, or even good sometimes, and I love the kids and they can feel it. But my teaching skills are still basic. Most noticeable and uncomfortable, my discipline/classroom management skills are insufficient to create a nurturing, safe, focused learning environment. It gets a little Lord of the Flies in there. Not from everyone. But from enough that it's too loud, some aren't focusing, and are making it harder for others to focus. I'm too busy to do all the things that need doing, and the students who are not self-motivated are slipping through the cracks a bit, avoiding actually doing work, and I'm not able to carrot/stick them into doing it. Either I don't know how to, or I don't have time to, with all the other stuff going on.
My super awesome professors are trying to help me out as much as possible, so I at least have some new things to try. But I can't help dreading my next solo day (there was a snow day, so I'm going to eventually make a day up.) and I couldn't help doing almost nothing productive this weekend, as I nursed my wounds, convalesced, and tried to self-comfort. It would be really nice to have some nearby friends I could go for walks with, but the closest are 35 minutes away. I can't just pop over and see who wants to go for a walk. I need to schedule that a week in advance. So rather than the healthy introvert recharge activities like low-key, playful events with a few good friends, I watch videos of other people being with their friends, playing and having a good time in ways I'd like to be doing.
I realize this is not very healthy. But I'm tired and busy.
I am working on it. I know it has to change. But I'm not exactly sure of what will recharge me, and what will just drain me more. Or, if I am sure of something, I'm not sure how to make it happen. A good solution would be another quiet friend, that I can just chill with, doing work or occasionally chatting with/going on walks. I bet this is why some people get pets. Or romantic relationships. I'm not yet recuperated, either, thanks to the particularly punishing week. And here comes Monday.
O.0
So I guess solo-week was actually worse than I had anticipated. That's unusual.
On the plus side, the more difficult and unpleasant stuff I go through, the more I become inured to the more mundane discomforts of life, like asking girls out to coffee. (Not that I've done that lately, (have I done that ever?) but it's becoming less uncomfortable as an idea, in comparison.)
And also on the plus side, it continues to be great practice, for learning how to be comfortable in the midst of discomfort. If I can be happy and relaxed being an inept new teacher who cares deeply about helping kids and is failing them, I can probably be happy and relaxed in 90% of the situations life has to offer. 98%, if we're just talking about my life.
Silver linings everywhere.
Isaac out
P.S. I feel like this is the kind of post that gets worried emails delivered to me. I'm not fishing for that, I don't want that, I'll be fine. This too shall pass and all that jazz. But if you are a good friend and nearby, I'd love to go for a walk sometime. Or a Friday-night/Saturday skype, if you're far away.
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