The climate change of my heart

Melting.

The wax gets warm from the candle flame, and melts away, to liquid, to nothing. Glowing warmly as it does.

I have been working, working hard, at self-forgiveness, self-compassion, self-kindness. And in order to get there, working with self-understanding.

It is tricky work. I have so many beliefs and habits of thought that run counter to being kind and forgiving to myself. Voices that say, "how could I forgive myself? I knew better and I did it anyways." Voices that say, "if I let up on myself I'll get even worse." They are insistent and tenacious, like a smarty-pants teenager who loves to argue and believes fanatically that they are correct in all their views.

But slowly and repeatedly, I am taking time throughout my days, when I have a moment here and there, to sit, to look at past events, far distant and near, and unknot these resentments. And begin, very slowly, cautiously, with difficulty and clumsiness, to forgive myself. to have compassion for the difficulties I face (the same ones that we all face. But it's harder to have compassion for myself going through the same difficulties as others for some reason.) Pain loneliness distraction self-doubt. And as I begin to bring more love to myself, I'm feeling hard walls around my heart melting. Walls of "That's impossible." "I'll never change." and walls of separation, between the me I see inside, and the me I see outside. Melting like the wax of a candle.

I don't think it's a coincidence, that one of the most common symbols I use in my spiritual practice, is a candle flame that I place in my heart.

There are large parts of my personality that are built upon this ground of self-rejection, and the changes that are happening, as that ground cracks and falls away, melts away, are not small. Like a castle built on the edge of an eroding cliff, parts of the castle that has been standing for hundreds of years, are now suddenly breaking off, falling into the sea.



It will be interesting to see what life looks like, after this new way of being if firmly grounded in me. Rather than now, where it's just at its infant stages. Perhaps even prenatal.

In any case, I am looking forward to its collapse with great enthusiasm. Something better will be built in its wake.



Or perhaps, a better analogy, is that some beautiful ancient temple will be exposed by the erosion, having always been there, resting underneath the janky old shack, covered in sandy dirt.

Slay the dragon and enter the garden

My parents informed me one of my readers, a relative, was commenting that they were a bit worried about me, due to the tone of many of my posts.

I'd like to say, not to worry, and that's true. I'll be fine, in the grand scheme of things. But in general, they are probably getting a good read on how things are going in my life. This graduate school thing is extremely stressful. It's not even the academic component anymore, which was pretty stressful the first semester. Now that's more under control. I've developed the necessary skills. But with the new element of the internship added in, as well...

Let's just say I understand why teachers seem to be more grey-haired than other groups of people I know. It's really stressful, learning the ropes. (Apparently for most of them it's pretty stressful, even after learning the ropes) Though a large part of that is the mental game. It's so disheartening to feel like one is not doing a good job.

Though I should mention some good news. I subbed Monday for the whole day and it went pretty well. Much better than my solo week. So I got to feel like I was making progress. That was heartening. Still miles to go, but at least I'm heading in the right direction. At least I feel a basic level of competence.

It seems a little bit crazy that I'm going to be a teacher, come next January (or round about then, depending on when I finish taking my Praxis tests and actually get a job). There's so much still to learn. But I guess I'm just going to get in there and start teaching and learn from that. You wouldn't do that if you were a doctor:

"Hey there, I've just graduated from my year and a half of medical school. I'm still not so great at it, but I guess I'll just learn on the job, eh?"

No no no. I suppose it's not comparable because it's likely that no one will literally die due to your inexperience. And the skills are perhaps less specialized... well, I'm not so sure about that. Being able to adroitly manage a group of kids is an incredible art, on par with the most difficult skills I can think of.


Anyways. What else...


Taxes! Today! I am so happy I hired an accountant to help me this year. I've lived in three states this past year and a number of other financial complications, plus going through graduate school and the internship, would have made it close to impossible, and incredibly stressful, and I would have likely paid a lot more. I'm pretty sure I saved more in using a professional than I spent. And perhaps I gained a few weeks to my life because of reduced stress. Hopefully in the future things will be simpler. I've been working to try and get it that way. Also getting a bit better about keeping anything I may need for taxes in the same place.


In other news: the weather! It's spring! Yaaaaay!
And with it, came spring break at my internship! Yaaaaaaaaay!
And then I've only got one more week left of that, and the final week of school, which I thought would be my last week of the internship as well, is available to be finishing up the myriad of final projects that are due! Yay/oh dear, I'm going to need all that time. Starting right now. Today and tomorrow are about getting some big chunks of all that stuff done. It's probably going to take me several hours just to make sure I've got a master list of all the things that need to get done in the next few days/weeks.


And then there was my Dad's birthday. Because I had the break from my internship, I got a chance to see my parents. I love visiting them, getting to spend time with them. And it's beautiful at their house. The dogwood and cherry trees are blooming, daffodils and tulips and fresh grass and fresh leaves are growing. Spring is my favorite time of year. And for the first time in a while, I actually got what felt like a good rest, to the point where I'm ready to get back to work now.


Finally, one of the groups I've been a part of for several years, a kind of spiritual training group that meets twice a week to keep pushing our practice further, has just gotten to the step of self-forgiveness. Which is huge for me. Before that we were doing forgiveness of others, which is fairly easy for me, though it still requires conscious work. But self forgiveness... I think it's pretty universal that we are harder on ourselves than we are on others. And I am very much that way. And I know it's not healthy. So I'm really looking forward to putting a lot of energy into this. I've already started, in fact.

I feel like I've woken a sleeping dragon! All sorts of echo's of darkness are stirring as I work my way towards this task. Old habits I thought I had beat, rearing their ugly head again.

It's hard, finding compassion for myself, at first. There's a part of me that thinks I should know better. There's a part of me that does know better. And there's a part of me that's really angry at me for making my life so much worse than it has to be. But I've been looking very carefully at those assumptions. I don't think I actually could have done much better. That's the whole point of this darkness, this ignorance of our true nature. It twists things, and makes us hurt and cling and flail about, trying to make the pain stop. Or it masks the truth to us, so poison looks like cake and cake like poison, and we end up eating the poison and avoiding the cake.

And seeing this. Seeing how hard it can be sometimes, to listen to our wiser self. Or even notice it. That brings compassion. That brings kindness, and even forgiveness. And even further than that... well, I'm not sure I should even talk about it. It's quite intimate, and it might not make much sense, without all the work and awareness we've been struggling for, leading up to it...

I suppose I'll try, and it will remain an open secret, invisible in plain sight: Even further than that, beginning to accept, that we all are divine sparks, no less than parts of Godhead... from that understanding, that experience and seeing... there is something beyond forgiveness. Self-respect, and self-love, and understanding that who you really are would never choose to hurt yourself or others, or do wrong. That was all some second element, some dark cover concealing the truth of you. And that darkness is external to you. It doesn't reflect poorly on you. It's like... a cloud, covering the sun momentarily, and then you're in darkness for a bit. But you wouldn't blame yourself for that cloud-shadow.

The truth is:
God can love us unconditionally, always, because he sees us as we really are. When we can start to see each other that same way, we can start to love each other that same way. And when we can see ourselves that way, we can't keep thinking of ourselves and dirty, weak, hateful creatures. We can't think of ourselves as any less than children of God. Because that's what we're seeing.

But it seems, in the process of looking for that truth, all the ancient darkness, the self-hate, guilt, shame, feelings of weakness and failure and not being good enough, are rising up to block the view.

Perhaps more accurately, it is through those darknesses, those roused dragons, that we must pierce with our awareness, to get to the truth. Those are the walls that stand in the way. They frighten us, and we look away, and that is how we remain so long in darkness.

Who knows. I'm just starting this particular task, and I've got a lot to learn. But I'm excited about where I'm going, and, though in the past I do not think I would have had the tools to go up against this stuff in the past, I feel like I can start now. I feel like I can make headway, not get blown completely off course. Slow, very slow, but forward. One step at a time. A very nice place awaits me on the other side of this storm.

Time for some dragon slaying ;-)







(And Some Hafiz for a Post Script:)


All your images of winter

I see against your sky.

I understand the wounds
That have not healed in you.

They exist Because God and love
Have yet to become real enough

To allow you to forgive
The dream.

Life is full of good things

I just need something happy and nice to give to you people. Not all this darkness and drear about being stressed. Go! Kitten attack!

A piece of missive

[This was written as part of an email ostensibly for a fellow new teacher, but really for me. And perhaps for anyone who's just starting out doing something really difficult, that they're not yet good at.]

If I were to give a pep talk, it would be something like this: When you start something new, you're bad at it, most of the time. Then, sometimes, you start doing it better, but why  it's better mostly seems random. Some days are good, some days are bad. Who knows why. 

Eventually, you start realizing why things are bad, or good. But they are still quite often bad. The realizing doesn't fix things. Then, as you get more and more experience, and it becomes less of a mystery why things go to shambles when they do, and why things are awesome, when they are there's more change. 

In fits and starts, there are more and more good days (still plenty of bad days) and you realize overall, if you were to create a graph of the jagged, up and down stock-market-like line of the good and the bad, it would be going steadily up, even from the very beginning. Though it's very hard to see, while you're in the midst of the latest jagged low, or when you haven't been going for long, and there's not much to compare it to.

This is the general pattern of Mastery that I've experienced in my life. Though I wouldn't call myself a master, I've gone from "horrible" to "good enough," in at least a few areas, and they all seem to follow this pattern. And they all also seem to yield to persistence. If I don't give up, eventually I get good enough. And sometimes in that process I feel like I have no idea how to get better, and I can't tell if I've made any progress at all, or I don't know how I'll ever make enough progress for it to matter. And yet, if I keep slogging, eventually the mist clears and I catch a glimpse of the green and poesy-bespeckled mountain range I've been traversing, and the vast distance and height I've climbed too. And then it's back into the mist again, up the mountain pass, starting to wonder again if I'll ever get there.

Also, be kind to yourself: burning yourself to the ground doesn't do anyone any favors in the long run. Stay sustainable. And whatever that sustainable level of growth is, where you are exerting effort but not damaging yourself, that's enough. It's like working out. You want to lift heavy enough weights that you are challenged, but if you want to get strong, rather than crippled, you just push yourself a little bit, day by day. What's important is that you can come back tomorrow and lift some more weights. It's not how much weight you can possibly manage to lift right now.

And being a new teacher, you're already being forced to lift dangerously heavy weights, so most of your attention should be on as much strain-mitigation as you can give yourself. And a big part of that is simply cutting yourself a break, when the inevitable happens and something goes less than perfect. Or horribly wrong.

One of the really wise things I've heard, is that all that is necessary, is to do your best. Whatever the result, triumph or tragedy, is God's business. That's his department. Leave it, don't worry about it. Just focus on the action right in front of you. Chop wood. Carry water. And I take "do your best" to include doing my best at life, in general. And part of that is living a joyful life. I think that is part of our jobs. And it's hard work sometimes. But it's also a license to be kind to ourselves, take care of ourselves, as much as we can, within the constraints of our responsibilities.

Well, I've gone on for too long. I hope it is comforting. I wrote it because it's advice I need to hear. 

The best real source of comfort I get these days is just repeatedly trying to place all the stress and striving, the worrying about results, fear, anxiety, etc., in God's hands, and ask him to take care of things. And trust. And trust. And try to remember that sometimes my best looks bad, but it's always good enough.

Doing more scary things, week by week,

-Isaac Out

Story that goes with the picture here

Fear pooping and the gift of unpleasantness

Did you know that often animals have an instinctive reflex to empty their bladder and bowels when threatened? I'm not exactly clear on the reasons, I think for frogs it might be too gross out the little kids who are harassing them, but I suspect there might be an element of, "oh no, lion's chasing me, no time or energy to be digesting, and I'd better jettison any extra cargo for maximum speed."

In any case, I have another... not solo week/day, but big teaching thing. It's only three math lessons, but I'm videotaping them and writing lots and lots about my lesson planning, analyzing the lessons, taping the lessons for further analyzing and it's going to be one of the portfolio pieces I'm doing.

In any case, I'm unusually anxious about them, and this morning I had to go to the bathroom twice and almost a third time, and I can only assume it had something to do with my primal antelope programming in the face of lions. Except there are no lions, so it's really not super useful as a response anymore. Regardless, it's there.

So, I'm feeling anxiety, worry, and also, when a lesson goes poorly, I'm feeling just... not anxious at that point, a different kind of bad. The kind you feel when you believe you're failing at life. It hits me right in the ego. Reminds me how I'm still identified with this body, this mind, walking around, and if it doesn't perform up to snuff, that means something about my intrinsic self is not up to snuff. Also not a useful emotion, as it doesn't help me perform better. In fact quite the opposite, it makes me want to run away from doing that ever again, so I don't have to feel bad like that again.

Of course I won't run away. I know in my heart that the way people become good is to fail a whole lot. Fail, and learn from the failure, and keep doing that. But it's not pleasant.

However, it is very useful. I have spiritual and self-development practices up the wazzoo, and if I was doing any one of them with diligence it would be incredibly useful. But often, as primates do, when things are easy, we don't focus that intensely on changing ourselves or our situation. But when times are bad, are stressful, that is when it becomes quite easy to muster the focus to practice our spiritual or psychological disciplines with rigor. Because when we do (if they are good practices) we feel much better. And as soon as we stop, we feel bad again.

There's a great phrase from the bhagavatam, at least I think it's from that. I can't actually find it, perhaps because I've got the wording slightly off. In any case, as I remember it, one of the Gopis (cowherd girls who are totally surrendered in divine love to Krishna) says something like, "if it is only sorrow that keeps your name on my lips than please let me be in constant sorrow so I never forget you even for a moment."

When like is kinda unpleasant, I like to remember that phrase. Some of the most powerful transformation in many people's lives was fueled by some of their darkest times. From my own life, when I was super lonely and depressed in high school, to more august personalities, like Siddartha, to the modern American spiritual personages like Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle.

I like to think about that, when things are not great. It helps me feel true and deep gratitude for my life, even in those times. And that's important, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything which happens in this world is perfect and exquisite and lovingly handcrafted for us, based on the choices we've made, to lead us eventually to the constant realization and experience of this beauty and perfection.

And when the story is over, I'll just be looking back and laughing, or perhaps feeling compassion. But if I'm not enjoying the journey, well, that's rather a waste, I think. It's like reading a really good book and not letting yourself enjoy it. Stories have scary bits and sad bits sometimes. But those make the good bits feel more satisfying.

In my view, anyways, it will be a short time until this little spark reunites with the whole fire, and there is no longer room for suffering or the kind of drama that the illusion of separateness brings. Might as well enjoy the ride while it lasts.

I think saying it like this helps me remind myself.

OK, back to work. Aaaaaaaah!


-Isaac

Week after week, once more into the breach

Short post (probably. I never know for sure until it's done.) Because there is lots to do and not a lot of time. It snowed, now it's melting. I really need to get out of my room and go for a walk. I also really need to find a way to spend my Saturdays a bit more productively. Binging on video's looking for something to make me feel warm and fuzzy and loved and surrounded by friends is ok in small doses, but spending the whole day doing it ends up counter-productive because I've got anxiety now about not having enough time to do everything.

My internship is kind of stressful, because I'm too hard on myself about not being good at classroom management yet. Need more self-kindness. Way more self-kindness. Behind on so very many things, and I don't have time to catch up on any but the most essential. Online human values based class today, prep. Three math classes to prepare for and film this coming week as part of a final project. That's about all I have room to think about, though there is more going on.

When I remember, there is a kind of spiritual practice I do, called namasmarana in Sanskrit. It's often talked about in Vedic literature as one of the best approaches to spiritual practice in the kali-yuga age. Which is what we are currently in. It's very simple, just choose a name and form of God, any one that appeals to you, and repeat it to yourself, with whatever love you are able to include. And a visual of the form, if you have the mental RAM for that as well. It's quite calming when I'm feeling anxious or lonely.

But what to do when I need to buckle down and do work? I need to focus on the work then, so I can't be doing that. Another suggestion, from the Bhagavad-Gita especially, but lots of places, is an idea I've mentioned before: renouncing the fruits of action, or put another way, doing the action for God, a.k.a. "dedicating" the action to God. And, also included in that advice, is asking/letting God be the doer of the action. This makes sense to me, in terms of consciousness, awareness itself being none other than the essence of God.

But actually doing it is somehow challenging. Can't quite put my finger on why. Partly it's just remembering to do it. Taking that moment before embarking on the next task, and the next. Partly it's the abstractness of the task itself. I mean, it's not really an abstract idea. You're just doing something with the intent that the results are for God. We do stuff for people all the time. We write nice birthday cards for friends, or drive them to the airport. We make baked goods for loved ones. We hold the door open for strangers. The shift required is just that, if we are doing something for someone else, it is for the essential nature of those people, the life, the awareness, that is not different from divinity. And if we are doing it for ourselves, we are doing it for that light of God that rests in our own heart, that is our own true self. Same idea for all of creation. Doing things for trees or the earth or animals.

That's pretty abstract, so perhaps it's easier to start with something symbolic, something specific and personal. Some concrete form of Divinity. Jesus. Rama. A saint. A person that symbolizes that true self, that unconditional love.

I guess I'm not sure it's working, because when I do namasmarana, I get almost immediate peace. When I try "dedicating my action to God." I don't notice the difference. Perhaps I'm just not paying attention. I suppose I should try reflecting on it, right after doing it. Hmm... yes, even just trying that right now, I do notice a difference. Cool. Need to notice that more, then I'll do it more, and feel better about doing it.

Anyways, back to concrete details: Grad school is stressful, as is to be expected. This semester is supposed to be the most stressful, and I hope that's true, because I don't want worse than this. I'm really missing being near friends. That's the most difficult part of all of this. Or it's tied with feeling like I'm doing a bad job at classroom management. I'm handling it better than in the past. But it's still pretty unpleasant. I can deeply relate to my students, many of whom are counting the days until break, until vacation, when we will get to rest, and spend more time with our friends.

In the meantime, it's good practice for working on issues related to alone-ness and lonely-ness and self-confidence and trust and discomfort and confusion. Stuff that doesn't come up much when I am living near friends and family, doing things I'm already good at.