Short post (probably. I never know for sure until it's done.) Because there is lots to do and not a lot of time. It snowed, now it's melting. I really need to get out of my room and go for a walk. I also really need to find a way to spend my Saturdays a bit more productively. Binging on video's looking for something to make me feel warm and fuzzy and loved and surrounded by friends is ok in small doses, but spending the whole day doing it ends up counter-productive because I've got anxiety now about not having enough time to do everything.
My internship is kind of stressful, because I'm too hard on myself about not being good at classroom management yet. Need more self-kindness. Way more self-kindness. Behind on so very many things, and I don't have time to catch up on any but the most essential. Online human values based class today, prep. Three math classes to prepare for and film this coming week as part of a final project. That's about all I have room to think about, though there is more going on.
When I remember, there is a kind of spiritual practice I do, called namasmarana in Sanskrit. It's often talked about in Vedic literature as one of the best approaches to spiritual practice in the kali-yuga age. Which is what we are currently in. It's very simple, just choose a name and form of God, any one that appeals to you, and repeat it to yourself, with whatever love you are able to include. And a visual of the form, if you have the mental RAM for that as well. It's quite calming when I'm feeling anxious or lonely.
But what to do when I need to buckle down and do work? I need to focus on the work then, so I can't be doing that. Another suggestion, from the Bhagavad-Gita especially, but lots of places, is an idea I've mentioned before: renouncing the fruits of action, or put another way, doing the action for God, a.k.a. "dedicating" the action to God. And, also included in that advice, is asking/letting God be the doer of the action. This makes sense to me, in terms of consciousness, awareness itself being none other than the essence of God.
But actually doing it is somehow challenging. Can't quite put my finger on why. Partly it's just remembering to do it. Taking that moment before embarking on the next task, and the next. Partly it's the abstractness of the task itself. I mean, it's not really an abstract idea. You're just doing something with the intent that the results are for God. We do stuff for people all the time. We write nice birthday cards for friends, or drive them to the airport. We make baked goods for loved ones. We hold the door open for strangers. The shift required is just that, if we are doing something for someone else, it is for the essential nature of those people, the life, the awareness, that is not different from divinity. And if we are doing it for ourselves, we are doing it for that light of God that rests in our own heart, that is our own true self. Same idea for all of creation. Doing things for trees or the earth or animals.
That's pretty abstract, so perhaps it's easier to start with something symbolic, something specific and personal. Some concrete form of Divinity. Jesus. Rama. A saint. A person that symbolizes that true self, that unconditional love.
I guess I'm not sure it's working, because when I do namasmarana, I get almost immediate peace. When I try "dedicating my action to God." I don't notice the difference. Perhaps I'm just not paying attention. I suppose I should try reflecting on it, right after doing it. Hmm... yes, even just trying that right now, I do notice a difference. Cool. Need to notice that more, then I'll do it more, and feel better about doing it.
Anyways, back to concrete details: Grad school is stressful, as is to be expected. This semester is supposed to be the most stressful, and I hope that's true, because I don't want worse than this. I'm really missing being near friends. That's the most difficult part of all of this. Or it's tied with feeling like I'm doing a bad job at classroom management. I'm handling it better than in the past. But it's still pretty unpleasant. I can deeply relate to my students, many of whom are counting the days until break, until vacation, when we will get to rest, and spend more time with our friends.
In the meantime, it's good practice for working on issues related to alone-ness and lonely-ness and self-confidence and trust and discomfort and confusion. Stuff that doesn't come up much when I am living near friends and family, doing things I'm already good at.
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