Slay the dragon and enter the garden

My parents informed me one of my readers, a relative, was commenting that they were a bit worried about me, due to the tone of many of my posts.

I'd like to say, not to worry, and that's true. I'll be fine, in the grand scheme of things. But in general, they are probably getting a good read on how things are going in my life. This graduate school thing is extremely stressful. It's not even the academic component anymore, which was pretty stressful the first semester. Now that's more under control. I've developed the necessary skills. But with the new element of the internship added in, as well...

Let's just say I understand why teachers seem to be more grey-haired than other groups of people I know. It's really stressful, learning the ropes. (Apparently for most of them it's pretty stressful, even after learning the ropes) Though a large part of that is the mental game. It's so disheartening to feel like one is not doing a good job.

Though I should mention some good news. I subbed Monday for the whole day and it went pretty well. Much better than my solo week. So I got to feel like I was making progress. That was heartening. Still miles to go, but at least I'm heading in the right direction. At least I feel a basic level of competence.

It seems a little bit crazy that I'm going to be a teacher, come next January (or round about then, depending on when I finish taking my Praxis tests and actually get a job). There's so much still to learn. But I guess I'm just going to get in there and start teaching and learn from that. You wouldn't do that if you were a doctor:

"Hey there, I've just graduated from my year and a half of medical school. I'm still not so great at it, but I guess I'll just learn on the job, eh?"

No no no. I suppose it's not comparable because it's likely that no one will literally die due to your inexperience. And the skills are perhaps less specialized... well, I'm not so sure about that. Being able to adroitly manage a group of kids is an incredible art, on par with the most difficult skills I can think of.


Anyways. What else...


Taxes! Today! I am so happy I hired an accountant to help me this year. I've lived in three states this past year and a number of other financial complications, plus going through graduate school and the internship, would have made it close to impossible, and incredibly stressful, and I would have likely paid a lot more. I'm pretty sure I saved more in using a professional than I spent. And perhaps I gained a few weeks to my life because of reduced stress. Hopefully in the future things will be simpler. I've been working to try and get it that way. Also getting a bit better about keeping anything I may need for taxes in the same place.


In other news: the weather! It's spring! Yaaaaay!
And with it, came spring break at my internship! Yaaaaaaaaay!
And then I've only got one more week left of that, and the final week of school, which I thought would be my last week of the internship as well, is available to be finishing up the myriad of final projects that are due! Yay/oh dear, I'm going to need all that time. Starting right now. Today and tomorrow are about getting some big chunks of all that stuff done. It's probably going to take me several hours just to make sure I've got a master list of all the things that need to get done in the next few days/weeks.


And then there was my Dad's birthday. Because I had the break from my internship, I got a chance to see my parents. I love visiting them, getting to spend time with them. And it's beautiful at their house. The dogwood and cherry trees are blooming, daffodils and tulips and fresh grass and fresh leaves are growing. Spring is my favorite time of year. And for the first time in a while, I actually got what felt like a good rest, to the point where I'm ready to get back to work now.


Finally, one of the groups I've been a part of for several years, a kind of spiritual training group that meets twice a week to keep pushing our practice further, has just gotten to the step of self-forgiveness. Which is huge for me. Before that we were doing forgiveness of others, which is fairly easy for me, though it still requires conscious work. But self forgiveness... I think it's pretty universal that we are harder on ourselves than we are on others. And I am very much that way. And I know it's not healthy. So I'm really looking forward to putting a lot of energy into this. I've already started, in fact.

I feel like I've woken a sleeping dragon! All sorts of echo's of darkness are stirring as I work my way towards this task. Old habits I thought I had beat, rearing their ugly head again.

It's hard, finding compassion for myself, at first. There's a part of me that thinks I should know better. There's a part of me that does know better. And there's a part of me that's really angry at me for making my life so much worse than it has to be. But I've been looking very carefully at those assumptions. I don't think I actually could have done much better. That's the whole point of this darkness, this ignorance of our true nature. It twists things, and makes us hurt and cling and flail about, trying to make the pain stop. Or it masks the truth to us, so poison looks like cake and cake like poison, and we end up eating the poison and avoiding the cake.

And seeing this. Seeing how hard it can be sometimes, to listen to our wiser self. Or even notice it. That brings compassion. That brings kindness, and even forgiveness. And even further than that... well, I'm not sure I should even talk about it. It's quite intimate, and it might not make much sense, without all the work and awareness we've been struggling for, leading up to it...

I suppose I'll try, and it will remain an open secret, invisible in plain sight: Even further than that, beginning to accept, that we all are divine sparks, no less than parts of Godhead... from that understanding, that experience and seeing... there is something beyond forgiveness. Self-respect, and self-love, and understanding that who you really are would never choose to hurt yourself or others, or do wrong. That was all some second element, some dark cover concealing the truth of you. And that darkness is external to you. It doesn't reflect poorly on you. It's like... a cloud, covering the sun momentarily, and then you're in darkness for a bit. But you wouldn't blame yourself for that cloud-shadow.

The truth is:
God can love us unconditionally, always, because he sees us as we really are. When we can start to see each other that same way, we can start to love each other that same way. And when we can see ourselves that way, we can't keep thinking of ourselves and dirty, weak, hateful creatures. We can't think of ourselves as any less than children of God. Because that's what we're seeing.

But it seems, in the process of looking for that truth, all the ancient darkness, the self-hate, guilt, shame, feelings of weakness and failure and not being good enough, are rising up to block the view.

Perhaps more accurately, it is through those darknesses, those roused dragons, that we must pierce with our awareness, to get to the truth. Those are the walls that stand in the way. They frighten us, and we look away, and that is how we remain so long in darkness.

Who knows. I'm just starting this particular task, and I've got a lot to learn. But I'm excited about where I'm going, and, though in the past I do not think I would have had the tools to go up against this stuff in the past, I feel like I can start now. I feel like I can make headway, not get blown completely off course. Slow, very slow, but forward. One step at a time. A very nice place awaits me on the other side of this storm.

Time for some dragon slaying ;-)







(And Some Hafiz for a Post Script:)


All your images of winter

I see against your sky.

I understand the wounds
That have not healed in you.

They exist Because God and love
Have yet to become real enough

To allow you to forgive
The dream.