Bad days, Failure, and how to be a productive depressed person

This was the weekend of fail.

So I went hard-core moving mode. I got a surprising amount of other work done as well, but eventually, come Friday and Saturday, I was just straight up moving all the live long day. By the end I was totally moved out of my apartment, but I was EXHAUSTED. Not just physically, though I was certainly achy after all that moving, but mentally as well. I suspect it was decision fatigue. This is one of the tricky things that I forget because I don't move often enough to keep it in mind: packing up your stuff is one job, difficult enough, but also sorting it into "box of stuff I'm going to use immediately after moving" and "similar stuff" and "fits efficiently into a box" are all additional mental processes, and when I have a huge volume of stuff to do this with, it becomes prohibitively time intensive. At some point I finally saw sense and just got a lot of boxes and a U-haul van and threw whatever random stuff would kind-of fit into whatever box was handy. Even then, in as much of an "easy mode" as could exist, it was extreamly time cosuming and mentally costly. Though I was so excited about getting it done that I had pleanty of energy during the actual move.

But come Sunday, I was tired. And in the process of trying not to dawdle, I did the job of the stereotypical bad mover and banged my own stuff around. I've said again and again that whenever I start rushing, bad things immediately happen. Well, it's still true. Thank God just in small ways, that then reminded me to slow the heck down, but then I would forget and start speeding up again. I'm just grateful I ended up using some lashing straps to lift heavy things and thus save my back. That's a really handy trick I discovered, though it does end up taking more time. Also the utility... what are they called... utility dollies are worth their weight in gold, if you can actually use them (which you can only really do if you're moving boxes across flat ground. as soon as you have to go up and down more than a few stairs they are more work than help.) Especially combined with lashing straps.

Then on Sunday my values and character class didn't go very well though I was just co-teacher, and I got really depressed when the senior teacher visited the class and then informed me that the two students who had said their video cameras weren't working, were lying. Now, I have a thing about lying, so in addition to me feeling like poop as a teacher, since obviously I was failing them as a teacher of good values, it was like a knife in my heart, as it always is whenever someone I care about deceives me. I don't know where that came from, I can't remember any particularly scarring incidents like Santa-Gate, but it's there.

Then, sitting in my room, having trouble even mustering the energy to get up and brush my teeth, I succumbed to surfing the internet and staying up late, as is most likely to happen when my defenses are down, I'm sad and/or exhausted, and my willpower is sapped. So then I felt bad about that the next morning.

Then, finally, as I was setting up a workspace in the basement so I had room to think and have all the stuff out that I needed to do my work, I tipped over the beautiful wooden table top I am inordinately fond of (and dented during the move as well, facepalm) onto my air purifier, another item I'm ordinantly fond of, in that it deserves my fondness, being a lifesaver for someone like me who is really sensitive to bad air. it fell over and is apparently broken. It wont turn back on. And it was expensive too. I don't mind spending money on good things that I actually use all the time, and this was one of those things. But I do care very much about not wasting money, so the fact that my own absent-mindedness because I was not going slow and being careful in the first place just cost me a big chunk of money and likely a lot of time figuring out how to send it in to get repaired, if I even can do that... well, I just had to stop and take a walk outside for a bit.

I've gotten a lot better about not talking angrily and hurtfully to myself, but by then it was starting to come out again, and I had to remind myself that I would not stand for that kind of verbal abuse from myself, so can it.

And yet, Sunday night, I had a phone call with the seasoned teacher, who gave me some pointers on what to do in the coming week and next class, to deal with the technical-difficulty-fakers. She was sweet, put me at ease, and was herself easy and relaxed. But I cannot imagine she does less than three times the work I do. So how can I possibly complain about anything, in the face of that? She never says a peep negatively. For me to do so would be shameful. Ridiculous. Like a kid tearfully complaining about a hot finger from a lit match to an adult who's listening to the kid with a kind peaceful expression and caring concern while their own house is burning down in front of them and their arm is wrapped from shoulder to finger in bandages.

So, anyways, here's what's on my mind: playing a bad game well, and the difference between productive depressed people and unproductive depressed people.

Playing a good bad game: this is from sports, but applies to all of life: suppose you're playing a game of golf. And you hit a bad shot. And then another, and then a third. You could then start ruminating (if you didn't already by the first shot) and condemning yourself and worrying, or throw up your club and forfeit then and there, or blame the wind or the clubs on the noisy neighbors who kept you up the night before.

OR

You can let all that go, focus on the next shot, the set of actions you need to take checklist style to prepare for the shot, the relaxation exercises or self-care things you need to do to get yourself back into the game, and play the best bad game of golf that you can.

When you're having a bad day, a bad "game", you can do the same thing. You can lament your fate, curse the gods who are toying with you, find someone else to blame, and give up entirely on all the things you're working on. Bing Netflix, eat a pint of ice-cream, stay up till all hours, avoid doing any work, and generally sit in a puddle of self-loathing.

Or you can think about what the fundamental things are that you do for yourself that make your days good. Excercise, time with loved ones, progress towards goals, walks in nature, going to bed early, etc. And you can double down on those things like your life depends on it, struggling even harder to do them, because you know you need them now more than ever.

There was a scientific study done on college students who struggled with depression. All of these students had issues depression, but some of them still managed to be highly productive people. The difference was these two different mindsets. These two approaches to "bad days." One approach was to give up on all the other good habits and just give in to the lower instincts. Give up on willpower and self-control, and self-care habits. The other mindset was to think, "uh-oh, I'm having a bad day. Now I really need to focus on not missing my daily run. (or whatever their most important self-care habits were) And it's going to be twice as hard to muster the willpower to get myself to do it, so I need to gird my loins and get ready to give it an extra push for a little bit"

The second mindset were the productive depressed people, and also got over their bouts of depression sooner. Not instantaneously, but sooner.

These mindsets are like habits of thought, they can absolutely be trained and retrained. I'm doing that to myself right now, as I think, "Ok, having a bad day or two, that means I have to be extra careful to do my morning routine, and make progress on important projects, and watch out for negative self-talk and rumination."

It's harder to do that, from this mucky feeling place. But it's also more important. I think our lives are made rich much more by the choices we make in those mucky moments than when everything is blue skies. Success is better built by marathons, not sprints, and when you backslide for a week every time you have a bad day, you lose momentum. Better to go slowly (as I have to keep reminding myself) but continually. Then progress becomes a habit, and then it becomes easy. And then it's like compounding interest. If you just do an intense spurt of exercise for two weeks every year in January, it's not going to make up for the rest of the year. But if you create a regular habit of going for a walk ten minutes every day, you will receive marked benefits. And likely you will slowly add to that time. (I'm using that as an analogy for whatever habits of thought or deed are most beneficial for you.)

Whenever you are undertaking big challenges like these, it's important to remember the appropriate mixture of optimism and pessimism for optimal results: you don't want to think it's going to be easy. That leads to less effort and giving up sooner. Believe it's going to be hard. Know it's gonna be really tough at times. Maybe a lot of times. But do believe you can do it. Believe in yourself, in your own strength and skill and ability to achieve great things, given a serious and prolonged input of effort. If you don't believe in yourself, in your ability to achieve it at all, of course, you're going to de-motivate yourself, and then create an unhappy self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, once more into the breach!


Another benefit of this philosophy: bad days are no longer something to be afraid of. Failure is no longer something to worry about. I know I'll have bad days, and I know what to do when I do. And I know that will not only be "good enough," but will actually be pretty awesome.


Peace!
-IO