Sight beyond Sight

So I think my first student teaching position aged me ten to twenty years. that was back, what, a year and a half ago, winter, public school, my supporting teacher was going two to four times faster than me, and I was over my head. I felt like I had no idea how to do what I wanted. the kids wouldn't listen, I could understand why they wouldn't listen, and I was barely sleeping, waking up super early, with anxiety, and then spending a bunch of the early morning hours over preparing for the few minutes here and there that I got to teach. I fear pooped every morning when I came in to school.

fear pooping: when prey animals are startled often they evacuate their bowels as they run away. maybe to make them lighter? maybe to confuse the predators? in any case, people sometimes do it to. I didn't loose control of my bowels, thankfully, but I did feel a strong urge to use the restroom every morning before school.

It was a very stressful time. I didn't like it, and I wouldn't sign up for that experience as a long term thing. maybe if it was an ordeal I had to endure for a few months or years, in order to do all the wonderful stuff I want to do.

much of it was just me though, wanting to be perfect, or at least good, and instead coming in every day and doing something I felt awful at.

That was when I noticed some grey around my temples, and also when I noticed the numbers on the microwave clock were so blurry I couldn't read them. And when I developed a twitch.

I didn't really think about how harsh that experience was while I was in it though. I was mainly just worried I didn't have what it took to be a teacher, and that this was what teaching would feel like, forever.

In any case, once I chilled out a bit on my own expectations, and got out of that classroom, things slowly normalized, I think I actually stopped going grey my eyesight improved, and my twitch went away. So much compassion for public school teachers, and respect for the ones that actually make it work.

I mention this only as a prelude to the fact that I just got some glasses, for the first time. Even though my eyesight improved, it was still a bit blurry for far away stuff. It's a little disconcerting trying to focus on something far away, and just not being able to. like adjusting the knob on binoculars or an old school camera, and never being able to get it quite in focus.

And it was a pain while driving, since I couldn't read signs when they were far away. And when I was in classes and there was small text on the board, I had to squint (I'm curious as to why that works) which makes you look a bit off-putting, like you're reading something you find reprehensible.

I was reading a lot of text the last few weeks, and I started getting headaches, so I decided it was finally time to get some glasses. I just got them... yesterday, I think, and when I put them on...

Glasses are magic. It was amazing. I felt like I had super powers. Things were so clear it felt almost unreal. As someone who loves looking at beautiful natural vistas, how valuable to be able to appreciate every minute detail once more. I put this under the heading of "wonderful mundane things to be extremely grateful for."

There's really no other word for it than magic. That is what this is.

It's even worth the exorbitant price glasses companies charge (often 10 to 20 times the cost of production) because there is a near monopoly, and because people are ill informed and willing to pay it.

It's pretty criminal. Now that I've got my PD (a measurement you need to get fitted for your glasses apparently) I'm buying all future glasses from a reasonably priced online retailer. But still, considering the gift these glasses give, it is worth the price.

Second: I've been working on listening to "the quiet voice within" (the "Eye of Thundera's" sight beyond sight ;) and one of the things it brought to my attention was the subtle emotional violence with which I was approaching the hard work mentality. Though intensity of focus and a kind of intensity and dedication to your vision via massive action is good, inflicting pain on people is not. Sometimes otherwise kind people forget that they too are a people, and they are very harsh towards themselves (this phenomena seems to bleed over to others who are close to them, like family or committed romantic partners.)

Non-violence should include yourself as well. And often violence is a non-physical thing. One of my friends reminded me in an email that working super intensely for its own sake is egotistical. It's true. Even serving other people, (like at a soup kitchen) can become egotistical. I was guilty of this myself, into my sustainable living major, when I was growing to despise the world and its dumb, wasteful ways. Why didn't everyone just do what I said? Ego. Sitting around picking apart all the bad stuff that other people were doing, more ego. Working yourself to burn out, trying to fix everything because the world is ending and your the only one who can save it? More ego.

Non-egoic service means you understand every human being is a spark of divinity and deserves to be respected. It means you take opportunities to serve as its own reward. And it means letting go of the super critical judge-y voice criticizing everything and everyone. Being super critical is negatively correlated with effectiveness. With yourself, and of course with other people. We think that if we just get hard enough on ourself, we'll shape up, or at least, that if we are kind and compassionate and forgiving, we'll stop working as hard. There's a subtle distinction between being truly warm and compassionate and encouraging, and just being permissive while still quietly disliking yourself, but basically the scientific research says that self-compassion is the clear winner for productivity.


In any case, I made note of that subtle form of self harm and tried to work out a "baby and not the bathwater" situation. the efficiency and massive action were great. I can't perform at quite that level permanently, I need a little bit more balance in my life, but also, I discovered a lot of unnecessary things, that were removed from my day-to-day, that can stay gone. And a few techniques, and mind-frames, that were helpful in making me more efficient, giving me more time to do what was important to me.

OK, it's only Wednesday, but I wanted to get this off my mind while it was still fresh baked and fragrant, even though you probably wont get it till the weekend.

Bye for now!