But it's very much on my mind that I have 4 days to go before I get married.
This is such a fantastic thing. It's not that I'm super excited to get married. I'm already with Suzannah all day long. If I was going from being single to having that, then I'd be over the moon. But the fact of the matter is I'm already over the moon, every day, because I get to be with her, my best friend, every day. The marriage part is still really exciting though. What we have is wonderful, life affirming, life improving, delicious and delightful and good for me (which makes it even better than most desserts). Now with marriage, it gets to deepen. the wonderful experience gets to become even more so.
There is a Jewish song that keeps adding new entries and saying, "it would have been enough." Dai-ay-nu. It would have been enough, to just be with Suzannah. I didn't need marriage to make it worth doing. But as in so many ways, life keeps giving more. I think that's how gratitude works: you are grateful for what you have already, but that state of gratitude attracts more to you. Like joy. Also like anger, jealousy etc., so, careful which wolf you're feeding (see "the story of the two wolves" from any number of self-help books)
I suppose I should talk about the things mentioned in the title. Four days to go. That makes this blog post a bit historic. The last one, leading up to the marriage. We're getting stuff done, we're ordering stuff, there are some panic attacks, there are little walks to decompress, and we still did date night yesterday, and we still cuddle in the morning and at night. I called a bunch of people that I needed to connect with for logistics, emailed more.
I've noticed recently, I've gotten really good at doing what needs to get done, even when it's something that makes me a little uncomfortable. I think it's making me less uncomfortable than it used to, and I'm not letting myself pause to much, to overthink it. I see the task that needs to get done, recognize that it is the most important thing to do next, and do it. Or do it at the next appropriate time.
I think someone referred to this as getting 'momentum.' and it's an apt term. I feel like, as I continue to 'just do it' with the things I recognize as important, it's like a train picking up steam. I'm chugga chugging along, and I've also gotten in the habit of throwing important things in front of the train, to get done (rolled over, in this analogy) even when they're things that I shy away from, I don't give myself enough time to slow down and avoid it or talk myself out of it. It's there, I decide it needs to get done, and I set it as my next task. And then I do it. The being in motion itself is an antidote to the fear. It's that whole "anticipation is worse than the event" thing. I don't give myself a long time to anticipate it.
The main challenge remaining is more in the vein of staying aware of what all the important things are, so I know what to throw under the train next. This also gives me continual reminders that the unpleasant things that I don't want to do are actually not so bad, once I'm doing them. Which makes it easier to do the next hard thing. This momentum itself feels like high magic. It's another one of the now numerous things that make me look back at my past self and marvel at how far I've come. I don't think I could have believably imagined myself getting to this point, when I was in my most depressed teenage years. It would have seemed like pure fantasy.
That's not really why I wrote "life as constant miracle" though. The reason for that is... hard to describe in words. Maybe what I just talked about is a part of it. I've hungered to witness honest to goodness miracles since I first read autobiography of a yogi. But the state of my life these days, the process of living, the growth that is happening, how full my heart is, with appreciation, gratitude, the beauty of creation, the gifts of divinity, it is all so much, that it feels like the process of living has become a kind of miracle. I'm entering realms of high magic, even though I'm not levitating spoons. Spoon bending seems a bit trite, compared to this.
Action action action. That's my mantra for now. I don't recommend that mantra if you're a type A personality, but for my very tranquil, slow, contemplative personality, it's the perfect balance. Because it truly is balanced. I've got a pretty good lock on not overdoing the action side of things. I'm naturally all about silent contemplation. So the push into (Dharmic) action is like tempering the blade: you need those extremes meeting: cherry red steel and ice cold water. In that, you create a tool of unsurpassed strength and precision.
Grit and pearls. Really, I just liked the play on words of this. Pearls are created when some tiny bit of sand or other grit gets stuck in an oyster. It bothers the oyster, so the oyster secretes this beautiful pearlescent cement around the pearl. layer after layer, like the rings of a tree or an onion. Slowly, the Grit becomes something of great beauty. Angela Duckworth has written a book on her research into successful people, and what they have in common. The title of the book is the answer she found: "Grit." Grit is, in a nut-shell, the hot, steady burn of a passion that is merged with persistence. As opposed to the fireworks passion we may experience for a few weeks after a new year's vow to go to the gym every day, or the excitement we experience when discovering something new, that fades with the newness.
Angela can measure peoples levels of grit with a fair degree of accuracy, and it is the highest correlate she found among successful people in all fields. She is particularly interested in it as applied to school and children. What if you could teach children grit? How much could you improve the lives of everyone, especially those who are most disadvantaged.
In any case, I haven't yet figured out how to fit all the pieces together into a clear narrative or pun, but having grit certainly produces pearls. Though grit is not an irritant. Maybe, "no grit, no pearls?" Maybe grit, like sand in an oyster, can feel uncomfortable at first? But as you keep building it up, with practice, it becomes a thing of great joy.
Sounds good.
Next post will probably be a reflection on the wedding, I suppose. What big things are happening in my life these days.
Love to you all,
-Isaac
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