Time for another edition of “Monday Lunch with Isaac.” Pardon any formatting weirdness, the internet isn’t working so I’m writing this in “Notes.” Also the person next to me is playing music, which is distracting, so we’ll just see how it goes, eh?
Perhaps that’s the main thing I’ve pinpointed; how much of how I feel is based on feeling like I’m doing a bad job, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
One of the gifts of the weekend class/experience that I talked about last time, is it’s helped me get more accurate in my perceptions and stories. It’s not that I’m “tired” or “exhausted” at the end of the day. A day of work need not make someone exhausted. And much of what I do does not exhaust me. BUT, there are a few specific kinds of things, that end up leading to the feelings I’d previously unconsciously labeled as tired and exhausted and burnt out. I’m trying to get more precise though, since if I just say “I’m exhausted” I end up believing it, and it’s not a story or explanation that leads to many possible solutions, aside from “quite your job and become a forest hermit.” Which has it’s own downsides, particularly lack of hot showers and too many bugs that want to eat me.
So I’ve been trying to locate and clarify what the things are that make me feel bad at the end of the day (or in the middle of it) and what the feeling is, exactly, that I’ve been feeling at the end of most days. Previously, at least.
So now I roll back around to the point I mentioned earlier. One of the things that really gets me down is feeling like I’m bad at something. Now the funny thing is, with certain things, I’m a champion at not caring about the outcome. And these are some of the things I love the most. Improv dance, writing/drawing with my favorite creative writing teacher. It is a consistent phenomena, that when I start worrying about “doing it well,” I have less fun and do it worse. I’m a new teacher, so there are lots of things I’m not doing well. To feel bad about those things means I’m feeling bad a lot of the time.
There is a certain kind of thing that happens frequently as I’m teaching. Say, for example, a kid is having a rough day, they’re crying, they’re not listening to teachers, and/or being disrespectful, not working, distracting others, generally making the class feel worse. And I don’t know what to do about it. I’m just sitting there, or standing, or kneeling, trying stuff, and none of it’s working very well, and I don’t have any great ideas for improving it. But I’m also quite aware that for any of my skilled role models in the field of teaching, they’d have the problem solved or under control in a few minutes to a few seconds.
That’s one of the main moments that gets me. It feels bad, I feel bad. But looking at it objectively, there’s no reason to feel bad about it: I’m doing my best, and it would be silly to expect a new teacher to be doing significantly better than I’m doing. I’m somewhere around average, and I’m working hard. That’s the head-game that I want to be playing. That’s the more productive approach, or story to tell. Previously I hadn’t had enough... I don’t know what to call it. Head space? Cognitive flexibility and self awareness? To see that and feel confident in my ability to change it. Now I do. Not instantly, I think, but step by step.
This is just one example of the things I’m locating. There are more, but I’m still getting clear on what they are. However, as you can see, getting clear on what the problem is takes me a good ways towards solving it.
The other interesting thing I was looking at was how I was feeling, at the end of the day. Fatigue is a loaded and generalized word. Sometimes I still have energy. Sometimes I have a minor headache. Often I have a peculiar feeling. It’s kind of like the feeling of working out hard, and then your arms feel kind of jello-y afterwards. You can’t lift as heavy objects until you’ve rested a bit. My mental acuity is a bit dulled. But it doesn’t actually keep me from doing things. Just means it’s not going to be my best work, mentally speaking. Often it’s still sufficient.
Anyhoo, that’s where my mind is at nowadays, and it’s exciting and full of possibilities and determination. Doesn’t remove the physiological feelings, but does make them much easier to deal with, without all the baggage of “...and that means” tacked on to the end of them. Reality, not story.
And the same thing applies to all the other areas of life that I want to improve. I’m currently feeling much more hopeful and self-confident in my ability to eventually learn and change these things, though I’m not expecting a fast easy fix. But I am expecting that if I stick with it, it will happen. And I’m getting more comfortable with the process and the state of being ‘not good’ at something (yet.) That’s probably even the wrong way to phrase it. Better might be, I’m getting more comfortable with the student, or learner, mindset. That of “I’m experimenting, trying things, and figuring things out.”
The High from the weekend has worn off I think, but that mindset and mental flexibility has not.
OK, I’m out for the week. Take care dear friends and family.
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