Brevity

 I got 5 minutes, because I was composing another message earlier this lunch. I continue to be really happy with my mentoring. However, I’m also aware of how precious this time-opportunity is, so I’m feeling the time crunch to get my mastery-acquiring habits up and running pronto. I’ve been going through the article slowly, taking notes, and still haven’t made it all the way through the... probably only 4 pages or so. I’m fine with that. Slow and steady wins the race and all that. But also not too slow.

OK, that’s it. You know the disclaimer. Mama said their’d be days like this (lyric from a song? Or old commercial?) e.g. I said sometimes I only have time for a sentence or two. That’s how I keep the ‘ol habit running strong. Some day, when I’ve got more disposable time, perhaps I’ll make up for the brevity, writing as I used to, super long posts. Or very well edited ones. Anyhoo, bye!

Game Time, Grit, Harvard Business Review.

 Back in the winter of 2019, I bought a Harvard Business Review Special Issue on “How to learn faster and better.” Mainly because of one article in it, about how to acquire “deep smarts.” Or, in other words, how to gain the expertise of experts/masters. I bought it specifically because I wanted to use it with my mentor teacher. I thought it would be useful for a lot of things, but I had her in mind. I may have bought it in the airport while traveling to do my practice teaching with her. I tried to apply it then, I think, but as I recall, it wasn’t very effective. I was just observing, and there wasn’t time for much else.

Well, now my time has begun. Last week, I started teaching in her classroom, and she immediately started moving responsibilities on to me, bit by bit. Beginning the training process. It was exactly what I wanted and hoped for and expected from her. Very thoughtful mentoring and support and role-modeling. It also was what I thought it would be, in terms of the difficulty of trying to parse what it was she was doing that made the classroom work so well.

I’d been meaning to start keeping a “learning to teach” journal, but now more than every I really need to prioritize that. I need to be recording my progress, what is working for successfully transferring her skills, and trying to capture and parse what those skills are, and how she does them. The article it to help me ask the right questions, look for the right things.

It is game time. Now, perhaps more so than any other time that I’m here during my contract, I need to be doing everything I can to learn, absorb, capture, what this awesome teacher does. And to try and learn how to do it myself. It’s kind of a second job, in addition to the main job, but it’s super important to me. First, so I can learn to be the kind of teacher, do the kind of teaching, that feels worthwhile to do. Second, so I can hopefully, maybe, learn how to become that kind of teacher, so I can help other people like me who are interested in becoming something like that, but don’t know how.

I’m watching the survival show “Alone” with Suzannah, and it is reminding me fondly of my time with the Tracker School. And inspiring me: there are a lot of hardcore, dedicated, gritty people on the show, and seeing them be gritty inspires me to be that way too. It’s a truism that’s scientifically validated, that you become like the kind of people  you associate with the most. I may not have a ready supply of super gritty, passionate, ultra successful people, or totally dedicated spiritual aspirants (especially during COVID) but I can always get that company through books and other media, if nothing else.

I’m going to end this earlier than I need to, because I want to spend as much time as I can, in my learning to teach journal. I’ve already missed a week, and that first week had so much happening. Even the first day, my mentor really set the tone and expectations. I wonder if I should finish reading the article first?

Anyhoo, that’s it for today. Take care!

-IO

Alone, unsettling bald patches, activation energy.

The previous blog post was for last week. This is for this week. 

I'm about to go back to work. The 'Sunday night blues' that I often get, when the weekend is almost over, seems to be intensified relative to the amount of time off that I get, so it is more than usual this time, as I've been off for 2 weeks. Yay for then! But now I am back, and with it comes the crushing weight of all the stuff I want to do and don't have time for, and won't have time for, and the feeling of being unprepared, always rushed and behind, with never enough time to catch my breath and plan strategically in a way that would eventually pull me out of this hole.

I'll figure it out eventually like I always do, but it might just involve eventually switching to a part time job, rather that the internal changing and healing of negative beliefs, which is what I'm working on now, because it's the main thing I can clearly do something about. Or who knows, maybe I'll figure it out and be feeling good about my time and productivity just from that internal work.

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Let's see, other representative tidbits...

One of the cats has unsettling bald patches on her ears and nose. It happens every summer but is particularly evident this time. Is it a disease? getting into fights only during the summer? hair loss from it getting warmer? I don't know, but she's very dear to me, so I do worry.

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The garden is beautiful. If I had a lot of spare time, I'd take some pictures of it. Full of flowers and veggies ^_^

And some hornworms, which can get gigantic. 

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I wonder what the summer session at work is going to look like, feel like? Will I be with my mentor, or another assistant? Will I know what to do, or be thrown in, sink or swim? I'll find out tomorrow!

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I discovered that the History Channel show "Alone" currently has one of my instructors from Tom Brown's school, as a contestant. I can't wait to find out how he did, and what he did. His name is Matt, if your looking.

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My vacation was very nice. I got to see and play with or walk and chat with some of my favorite friends and mentors. And I got to spend a few days at the beach, (somewhere South Texas) just having fun with Suzannah. Very nice. Though it was hard not to get heat stroke, with the intense humidity and sun.

The last three days have mostly been working furiously, trying to get current with my obligation tracking system and inboxes, and just today trying to get some of the things on my to do list, done.

I think a lot of the problem with the system I'm using is that, when it has enough time put into it, it works great, saves time, and increases creativity, and reduces stress. But especially at first, it requires a lot of time put into it. I don't have a lot of time, and so it's a bit like trying to get paper burning by putting it in the oven and setting it to 350 degrees. You need... what was the book called, fahrenheit 451, to get paper burning. I think it's called activation energy in chemistry. Anything less, and not much happens. I don't think that's quite true here, I think it's better than nothing, but not that much better. The paper is smouldering at least.

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OK, back to work, though I really want to watch more of that "Alone" show since I looked at it. :D

-I Out

More From the Vault

Going through my accumulated voice memos (backlog dates back to 2015) here are some bits meant for my blog:

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"Ah, the weighty smell of knowledge. Wait, maybe that's just mold. Nope, no, definitely knowledge." (Said upon entering a library)

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I was just reflecting back how at some point around 2005-2010 I realized we were not in the present time period, we were in the future. Obviously we're always in the present, but sci-fi was written about a time when we had all sorts of futuristic gadgets and such. And I realized that much of the sci-fi that had been written, especially the golden age of sci-fi, had elements that had already come true. We don't have airplanes going to the moon, but we do have the computer tablets from 2001: A Space Odyssey, which was written in 1968. AI, all sorts of things, so it no longer felt like the present where I was born. I'm not sure we could have the same sci-fi that we used to, since we're now living in that age, that was being imagined.

In the same way, I've realized now (2019) that the life I'm living is supernatural. I've realized that my past self would look at my current self and not be able to believe that my life was true. It would sound like fantasy. Really good fantasy, but I was really morose so that would make it even harder to believe. And That's just astounding. 

Not astounding to live in, since the change was gradual. There were some bumps of cognitive dissonance, as miracles have happened, things that I never thought could happen. And I'm happy and confident in a way I never could have imagined being years ago. I thought I would always just be a scared thirteen year old in an adult body, with my same problems and fears and insecurities. And I do not feel that way, I feel an almost mad certainty and trust in the universe and God, intelligence, and through that, in myself. And for other reasons, in my self; my own ability to set my mind to something and accomplish it like a rabid pitbull grabbing onto somebody's pant until it was done. That's how I seem to be, with objectives I have. And in addition to that, the universe--(I feel like that's just a PC way of saying God, I suppose when I talk to the general public, I don't want to shove God in their face, but, your listening to me, that's my life, God's everywhere. Can't avoid him. 

It's nice to be able to step out of myself and the gradual temperature change of my life, and take the perspective of me as a young man, and notice how ridiculous my life is now. Objectively it's a mix, some great, some normal, some below average, but the internal experience, and amount of change, are amazing.

Objectively it's not... well, objectively there are parts of it that are amazing, but there are also parts that are normal or below average. But the internal experience and change are amazing. And some of the objective things as well.

My girlfriend is beautiful and really sweet, genuinely kind, and funny, and really fun to be around, it feels like hanging out with one of my best friends, and there are no negatives, and the positives just keep building on each other. The fact that it's so nice just makes it even nicer.

My job... my current job is kind of stressful, but also kind of not. It's a small school, I'm working with friends, I'm getting a lot of freedom to experiment and learn, and I get to be in a small town doing things with friends that I love.

I've already had more than enough miracles to convince me of miracles and God, but one more to add to the pile for falling on my face in gratitude, is getting offered my dream job, everything I ever wanted, pretty shortly after asking for it. I wouldn't have thought to ask for such an ideal situation. Working with the most inspiring teacher I've seen in action, in the school created by her, working in her classroom. Something I'd pay for, but no, I'm getting paid for it. What can I say, my life has become unbelievable, literally, I would tell my future self who time traveled back to tell him about it, that they were making it up, or just deep down wouldn't be able to believe it.

And yet, objectively, I'm driving to Chicago at the beginning of the Corona virus epidemic, --um, I assume it's going to be an epidemic, some people are already calling it that-- probably just to turn around and drive right back in another six hours because the schools are going to be shut down, and you know what? I don't care. I have a mad certainty that exactly what is happening is exactly what should be happening and I have no qualms against it, just gratitude for it, even though I can't see why it's happening exactly, I trust, that it is overwhelmingly, totally for my benefit, not for my detriment.

[Interesting to listen to this, over a year later, moved to a different state, married, on the other side of the pandemic. Not having gotten to work with the teacher I was hoping for, everything still crazy and stressful because of the pandemic (not just epidemic, as people were saying when I was driving up I-80 to Chicago that day) Working longer days than I ever wanted to, again thrust into a teaching situation I was not trained for, perhaps even more stressful a situation than before. And yet that is irrelevant to my faith. My faith is not remotely based on things only going well for me. I have seen too much. As I said earlier, my life has entered the realm of fantasy. Even if it appears to leave that genera for a while, I haven't forgotten that Christ-like miracles are possible. That God has answered my prayers time and time again, in ways that have startled me and overwhelmed me in gratitude. Nothing can shake that trust, especially since my most trusted sources of wisdom have made clear repeatedly that the times of trials and testing are some of the most important steps towards our final goal. I am not so poor a student as to forget that. Or to forget the times in my own life I have seen that wisdom proven absolutely, deeply true.]

If you're in Fairfield and you want to say hi...

 I'll be at waterworks park during lunch, 12-1pm, by the beach area (probably under the covered spot.)

Come over and say hi, or sit a while and chat.

While Supplies last! XYZ. Filled with Determination (Undertale reference).

 It's not my lunch break today! It's the morning, right after my meditations, and right before I go for a jog (waiting on Suzannah to finish up some of her morning routine so we can go together :-).

It's also Wednesday. This happens when I'm not on a regular routine. Probably good to shake things up every now and then, but also makes it clear why I have routines. 

Let's see... ah, #1:

For a Limited Time Only! While Supplies Last! Act Now!

I'm in Fairfield Iowa. If you know me well enough to have my email or phone number, and you'd like to say hello in person, we can try and make that happen. Drop me a line and we can go for a walk or have some tea outside or something. I'm leaving early Saturday morning, so Friday is the last day to catch me.

OK, on to other things. I've circled back around to the importance of intensity and focus. If you put everything you've got into one burning desire/goal, it gives you your best chance of achieving it. Spread yourself out, and you will do alright at a bunch of things. But the people who have achieved great things have done so mostly when they've focused their whole lives around those things. I'm of the philosophy that it's more important to be good than great (meaning moral rather than well-known) but even so, if you have something you believe to be most important, it makes sense to focus a lot of your energy on it and make sure you're identifying and taking the action steps towards its achievement. For me that is enlightenment, and that requires a certain kind of intensity. Love is the central factor, and so a cold, teeth-gritted kind of intensity won't do. It is an intensity of love, surrender, courage, focus, self-honesty, flexibility, dynamic action. Of intuition and faith.

That quote continues to echo in my head, almost hauntingly: 

  'why do so few people seem to achieve enlightenment, though many say it is their goal?'

  'lack of intensity.'

Currently though, I feel like I am returning to the passionate intensity of my youth, in many ways. Only I am now adding the wisdom of persistence, of self-compassion, of growth mindset. When I was a kid, that intensity and passion was fragile. When I found I could not live up to the goals I set for myself, I thought that meant I was weak and unfit for the path, that I would never be able to achieve it because of that weakness, and I was sad. Now I know a better way to handle challenges, set-backs, and times when I don't live up to what I set out for myself: I grin, say, "bring it on!" and jump back into the fray, knowing that in this arena, I've got infinite lives, infinite tries, and eventually, the problem will have to yield to my unstoppable persistence. 

And that would be enough, but I also know I can analyze my defeat and plan for the future next time, learning from my mistakes and failures and thus turning them into rocket fuel for my eventual success. 

And that would be enough, but I've also learned that it's not just ok to have self compassion and self love, (not narcissism; more like the kindness and respect you'd show to a dear friend) but that those qualities will help, not hinder my progress, while making the path there so much fuller and more pleasant.

In other news: The giant blister is finally starting to heal, after much careful tending of it. Apparently, though it's better to leave the blister alone if it's less than a dime side, if it gets much bigger, it is a good idea to drain it, carefully. I didn't realize that and it got to the size of like a silver dollar/golf ball. I think it was like a black hole, where the bigger it got, the bigger it wanted to get. In any case, it's finally flattening out all the way and hopefully healing, as are the last of the weird bug bites, one of which was the progenitor of the blister.

So far it's been nice being in Fairfield, seeing a few of my closest friends and family, and taking it easy. The time is flying by though. Trying to remember all the people to try and contact so we can go for a walk and chat is what I've been doing. Though I don't have a lot of time or energy, so it's just a few people. Maybe I can have a general "I'll be at X place on Y day at Z time, say hi if if you want to" announcement, to catch anybody who's interested. But if I'm going to get that together, it's probably going to happen on Friday, because Thursday is too soon. Maybe look for that announcement tomorrow, and assume it will be around lunch time, at some park, under some shade, at a picnic table for an hour.

I feel like my brain is in a kind of vacation fog, caused by eating too much and waking up too late and generally being totally off any organized schedule.

Gotta wrap this up and move on to the next thing now. Take care and big love.

-I

P.S. "Undertale" is an amazing game that I loved, and you probably will too if you grew up on 8 or 16 bit RPG games.