More From the Vault

Going through my accumulated voice memos (backlog dates back to 2015) here are some bits meant for my blog:

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"Ah, the weighty smell of knowledge. Wait, maybe that's just mold. Nope, no, definitely knowledge." (Said upon entering a library)

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I was just reflecting back how at some point around 2005-2010 I realized we were not in the present time period, we were in the future. Obviously we're always in the present, but sci-fi was written about a time when we had all sorts of futuristic gadgets and such. And I realized that much of the sci-fi that had been written, especially the golden age of sci-fi, had elements that had already come true. We don't have airplanes going to the moon, but we do have the computer tablets from 2001: A Space Odyssey, which was written in 1968. AI, all sorts of things, so it no longer felt like the present where I was born. I'm not sure we could have the same sci-fi that we used to, since we're now living in that age, that was being imagined.

In the same way, I've realized now (2019) that the life I'm living is supernatural. I've realized that my past self would look at my current self and not be able to believe that my life was true. It would sound like fantasy. Really good fantasy, but I was really morose so that would make it even harder to believe. And That's just astounding. 

Not astounding to live in, since the change was gradual. There were some bumps of cognitive dissonance, as miracles have happened, things that I never thought could happen. And I'm happy and confident in a way I never could have imagined being years ago. I thought I would always just be a scared thirteen year old in an adult body, with my same problems and fears and insecurities. And I do not feel that way, I feel an almost mad certainty and trust in the universe and God, intelligence, and through that, in myself. And for other reasons, in my self; my own ability to set my mind to something and accomplish it like a rabid pitbull grabbing onto somebody's pant until it was done. That's how I seem to be, with objectives I have. And in addition to that, the universe--(I feel like that's just a PC way of saying God, I suppose when I talk to the general public, I don't want to shove God in their face, but, your listening to me, that's my life, God's everywhere. Can't avoid him. 

It's nice to be able to step out of myself and the gradual temperature change of my life, and take the perspective of me as a young man, and notice how ridiculous my life is now. Objectively it's a mix, some great, some normal, some below average, but the internal experience, and amount of change, are amazing.

Objectively it's not... well, objectively there are parts of it that are amazing, but there are also parts that are normal or below average. But the internal experience and change are amazing. And some of the objective things as well.

My girlfriend is beautiful and really sweet, genuinely kind, and funny, and really fun to be around, it feels like hanging out with one of my best friends, and there are no negatives, and the positives just keep building on each other. The fact that it's so nice just makes it even nicer.

My job... my current job is kind of stressful, but also kind of not. It's a small school, I'm working with friends, I'm getting a lot of freedom to experiment and learn, and I get to be in a small town doing things with friends that I love.

I've already had more than enough miracles to convince me of miracles and God, but one more to add to the pile for falling on my face in gratitude, is getting offered my dream job, everything I ever wanted, pretty shortly after asking for it. I wouldn't have thought to ask for such an ideal situation. Working with the most inspiring teacher I've seen in action, in the school created by her, working in her classroom. Something I'd pay for, but no, I'm getting paid for it. What can I say, my life has become unbelievable, literally, I would tell my future self who time traveled back to tell him about it, that they were making it up, or just deep down wouldn't be able to believe it.

And yet, objectively, I'm driving to Chicago at the beginning of the Corona virus epidemic, --um, I assume it's going to be an epidemic, some people are already calling it that-- probably just to turn around and drive right back in another six hours because the schools are going to be shut down, and you know what? I don't care. I have a mad certainty that exactly what is happening is exactly what should be happening and I have no qualms against it, just gratitude for it, even though I can't see why it's happening exactly, I trust, that it is overwhelmingly, totally for my benefit, not for my detriment.

[Interesting to listen to this, over a year later, moved to a different state, married, on the other side of the pandemic. Not having gotten to work with the teacher I was hoping for, everything still crazy and stressful because of the pandemic (not just epidemic, as people were saying when I was driving up I-80 to Chicago that day) Working longer days than I ever wanted to, again thrust into a teaching situation I was not trained for, perhaps even more stressful a situation than before. And yet that is irrelevant to my faith. My faith is not remotely based on things only going well for me. I have seen too much. As I said earlier, my life has entered the realm of fantasy. Even if it appears to leave that genera for a while, I haven't forgotten that Christ-like miracles are possible. That God has answered my prayers time and time again, in ways that have startled me and overwhelmed me in gratitude. Nothing can shake that trust, especially since my most trusted sources of wisdom have made clear repeatedly that the times of trials and testing are some of the most important steps towards our final goal. I am not so poor a student as to forget that. Or to forget the times in my own life I have seen that wisdom proven absolutely, deeply true.]