Checkpoint 0

 I am strangely subdued and introspective, as I begin my first afternoon post teaching job. In hindsight it was predictable, but the act of hugging tearful children telling me they didn't want me to leave and that they love me and will miss me is something that is hard to remain unmoved by. Especially since I love them too. I don't think I made the wrong choice, but it turns out it was not a totally easy choice to make.

I'm reminded of the movie I was recommended, called... I forget the beginning, but the rest was, "a yak in the classroom." I can relate, a bit.

I was expecting to dance and jump and shout "yes!" at the conclusion of this. But I'm not. However, perhaps there is a consolation prize. The fact that I have all these children who will be missing me, puts into more stark focus, what I choose to do with myself going forwards. I must at least be making as good use of my time, and helping people as much, as I would be, if I was still teaching. I don't really want to go back to teaching full time (though maybe part time?) so that is almost a punishment incentive. "how can you justify doing x, (say, binging netflix) when you could be in the classroom, helping students? If you can't do something better with your time, then just go back to teaching."

Or another way of looking at it, is looking at all my students, and asking the question; can I justify that what I am doing is worth leaving you all? That is a rather high standard. And that's good to have. As I've discovered previously, when in the nebulous state of not having a job, it is easy to drift, and for that most precious of resources, time, to slip away, wasted.

Honestly, case in point, this afternoon. was planning on writing this hours ago, but one email prompt lead to a research rabbit hole, and it's hours later that I finally concluded it. I think with a useful outcome, but, I think this outcome could have been reached about 3 times faster than it was, without loss of quality of decision, if I just had a more strict time restriction.

This is perhaps one of the things I need to remedy; how I will spend an excessive period of time, researching and thinking about the best course of action, when I would be better served by a truncated decision making process, moving more rapidly to action.

I'm not worried about this. I'll figure it out, and I think I'll figure it out quickly. I'm grateful for the time and freedom I now have, and also grateful for the perspective I've been given, on how precious my time truly is, and the motivation, to use it wisely.

I plan on being grateful and happy as a practice, as well as self compassionate. For whatever reason, it is so clear to me right now, how much of my experience (and everyone's experience) comes from their own thoughts, beliefs, limitations. I'm tired of hobbling myself with my thinking. I'm ready to fly and the runway is now clear. These coming days will be interesting. I'm curious to see what happens with my best intentions plus determination.