Tidying, Decisions, Deadlines

 I think this is for last weekend. Losing track a bit.

The main things I've been doing are cleaning up from the move, and masters admissions things. There were a couple islands of boxes and stuff from our move to the new house, and I've been steadily unpacking and putting those things in temporary houses. once they're out of the moving boxes, or the permanent boxes they are in are wiped clean and out of the way, I can begin a konmari tidying pass, getting rid of some of the extra stuff I've accumulated over the years. They I can give my stuff more permanent homes. And finally, I can get in the habit of putting stuff into it's home after I'm done using it. Though perhaps I should be doing some of that habit formation already.

There is an interesting paradox to it all, as things take up the most space in the beginning, and then get smaller, as items get consolidated by group, and discarded. Thus, I kind of want to do this before I buy any more furniture, because I might not need anything else, or very little.

I'm making good progress. There is very little left in the big piles anymore. Another few days working on it, maybe 4, and that first phase should be done!

More exciting news: I've been accepted to both masters programs I applied too. I've got a week (now more like 4 days) to make my decision. I think I've already decided on which program I'll do, the decision made easier by the fact that it costs half as much as the other program. Kind of mind blowing, the price difference. Not sure how they justify the price, though the more expensive program does seem better organized, a bit more polished. But I like the feel of the smaller program. I've always been a small, intimate school kind of guy.

Now I've got to make the final decision. I suppose it's easy enough to do a semester and leave if it's not my thing, but really, there's no way to tell if it's "my thing" without actually doing an internship or some other kind of practice. I've done about as much research as I can, aside from that. From interviewing people in the field, to reading an introductory book that goes over all the core skills and such that clinical counselors need. 

I've gathered as much information as I reasonably can, ditto for introspecting and reflecting. I now have to make a decision based on uncertain and incomplete information.

I don't think I want to be just a traditional therapist. (If there even is such a thing.) I'm pretty sure I want a mixture of writing, one-on-one, and group classes. And I don't just want to deal with problems, but also work in a positive psychology way, helping people grow their strengths and develop resilience. And I want to be teaching social-emotional (and what I might call spiritual, or mindfulness) skills. 

A lot of that I'm already theoretically qualified to do, via having a teaching masters. Maybe a certificate or some experience with a group that's doing this sort of thing would give me useful skills and credibility. But I could theoretically just start doing it now. I could try and do both, but that would be all my time. Unpacking and organizing would slow to a crawl. Not to mention all the learning I want to do in preparation for maybe becoming a dad in the not-to-distant future.

Several good options, and no clear winner. The masters may win out because of the additional time cost if I decide not to do it now, and then change my mind in the future and have to re-apply. But really it feels pretty even all around. However, I once again have a deadline, so I've got to make the decision one way or another, quite soon. See you then.

With love and gratitude,

-I Out

Tests, determination, gratitude, process vs. goals.

Let's do a quick post for this week. This afternoon at 1pm I'm doing an interview for Antioch's Counseling program. In twenty minutes I'm meeting with my triad group, the two other people I was working with while learning about... mentoring/community building/authentic communication/nature awareness, with Jon Young and others. I loved the teachings from that multi-month, free workshop, and am continuing to keep in touch with my mini-group, and deepen my practice.

The ability to create a healthy, self-propagating group is super valuable, for whatever you want to accomplish. It's like creating a support group. That could be for exercise, spirituality, accomplishing a goal, it's very flexible. But having that social support is really useful, and being able to facilitate groups to have that, is a skill I want, both for myself, and to be able to share.

I've kinda been going through the ringer since I got back, but the depth of experience from the course is seeing me through the rough waters with a fundamental stability, which I'm really grateful for. I can step back and be grateful for the test, the challenges, as an opportunity for further growth and deepening, even in the midst of the discomfort or sadness. I suppose I can't go into specifics because it involves other people, and it's not my place to air other people's dirty laundry. Suffice it to say, I've been shaken, not stirred, but I will not be deterred, and so far have been able to maintain my dedication, surrender, and gratitude.

There are so many things to do, clean up the house, learn cooking, decide on grad school, that life is very full, but I've come to an idea... it's still cooking, so I'm not sure I can describe it well yet, but in general, the idea is, to find what I love to do (in service of finding work I love and such), it may be better to take an organic, process driven approach, rather than a "sit and think and try and figure it out and then go" approach. Still figuring out the details of how that will work, especially with all the other stuff going on, but it seems promising.

May all of you have light and love in your lives.

With blessings,

Isaac

Spiritual Workshop, Authenticity, Inner Gardening.

 This was written in the airport and airplane on my way back from my spiritual class in Florida:

Blog June 14th

Well.

That was something.

I really should learn from the last two trips and make sure to schedule my spiritual retreats BEFORE my standard vacations. A good spiritual retreat never fails to uplift and inspire, and make the rest of life have more savor. I think all my uncertainty angst etc. about my future that came up during my previous trip would have been greatly diminished, if it existed at all, and I would have much more easily and quickly moved through it, if I’d been coming of the spiritual experience/class I just had. Hopefully I can learn that for some future time, if I have a choice about order.

I learned some valuable lessons from the last several days. A renewed commitment to trusting and surrendering to God, and a deeper experiential understanding of what that means. Ditto for the importance of gardening my inner experience. Honestly, there are an incredible amount of things I’ve learned, many very… small. Small is maybe the wrong word. Like the book ‘small is beautiful,' small does not mean insignificant. I got to be in the presence of what I think is an enlightened master. In a very intimate, small group.

Just watching them go about their life, the subtleties of how they interact and process, was illuminating, in this case, also freeing. This enlightened master doesn’t wear monk robes. They’ve got a great sense of humor, they’re a bit odd, they like dressing up, they have their own, very distinct personality, and it’s not what you would expect from an enlightened master. And yet, in their interactions, they are impeccable, in integrity, full of joy and love and an invisible transformative energy that infuses whatever they do.

Rather than their personality dissolving into a mushy nothingness that some books and teachers seem to give the impression is what enlightenment looks like, it’s more like their personality is made more vivid.

I think I read somewhere about geniuses, or people who have made some of the biggest contributions to the world, something like that. They all had what the book called ‘complex personalities.’ Meaning they could not be contained in a single trope. They had many, very distinct facets to their personality, they could be super focused and scientific, and then very artistic or intuitive, and then very practical and efficient. Loving and exacting. And these widely divergent facets were harmonized, integrated. They switched flexibly between them, with sensitivity and coordination. This seems kind of in that vein.

I’ll give one example that was refreshing, the mixture of deep rigor, and flexibility and play. I remember trying to be super disciplined in my spirituality, and ending up kind of hard and clenched in all aspects of my life, becoming kind of a rules lawyer. And I know many on the spiritual path who’ve gone through that phase. We can’t maintain both flexibility/ease/love, and discipline/focus/intensity, and we can’t easily switch between them. Switching from one to the other is like prying someone’s death grip open.

Seeing it modeled, is a bit of an aha moment, a realization that it’s possible to be that way, and what it looks like, feels like. Similar to working under my teaching mentor, who mixed extremely high expectations with great warmth, and the ability to quickly distinguish rules that needed to be enforced with exceptions that were fine to make.

This post is already long, but I wanted to talk about what I mentioned earlier, about gardening my mind/inner experience.

I’ve had a long battle with a school of personal development thought. The Tony Robbins, psych yourself up kinda thing. The smile when your sad so you can be happy kind of thing. It always made my skin crawl. I’m a very authentic person. Truth is deeply important to me. Sometimes this rubs people the wrong way, because if I’m biting it, I will say I’m biting it.

Perhaps it was a bit of a reaction against the east coast mentality I absorbed of the “how are you?” “Good-n-you?” sentiment. That is, it doesn’t matter if you’re dying inside, when someone asks you “how are you?” They don’t actually want to know. They would be very uncomfortable and perhaps even irritated if you answered anything other than a “good-n-you” equivalent.

I have a couple theories about what is going on, but the bottom Line is I feel suffocated by a “always say everything is fine” atmosphere. I am healed of my emotional ills by having a compassionate listener that I can share openly with, and be heard and accepted, sadness, anger, pain, and all. In sharing and being heard, the emotions then take care of themselves. Like a stream flowing by, the emotions are felt, acknowledged, and then move on.

When they are not allowed to do that, it’s like a clogged up stream, or, perhaps a toilet that people are refusing to flush.

I can theoretically imagine that some people don’t need this outlet for emotions. Maybe they actually deal with them in a healthy way using the Tony Robbins technique, or the ignore/don’t think it about technique. Maybe they’re doing something else entirely. But I need to keep it real and be able to say what I’m thinking and feeling, and the people I connect the most with are people who are similar.

However.

Both my number one teacher and the teacher I just finished a weekend with have said something along the lines of happiness is a choice and you should control your thoughts and attention in a positive direction. I had a very hard time understanding this. It always sounded like I was just supposed to pretend I was happy when I wasn’t, and that felt fake, inauthentic, and kind of nauseating to me whenever I encountered that.

What I’ve found is a kind of subtle mix of both styles. Acknowledging and accepting, but then also cultivating the positive. It does feel kind of weird at first, but I gave it a chance and, well, it kinda worked…

I don't think any explanation will do it justice, at least from me, at my current baby-steps level. That's why I needed a up-close and personal model, being walked through it (multiple times, it just clicked much more deeply this time.) But how it can work, and still be authentic, I think I've got a handle on it. And I understand the importance of doing that inner gardening for my spiritual growth.

OK, I out, this was for last week, let's see if I can get a quick one out for this week.

On the precipice of adventure

I’m sitting in the airport, waiting for my second flight. I really don’t know what to expect for this upcoming spiritual workshop. It’s got a lot of hype around it, in a way, which makes it difficult to live up to. I’m trying not to come into it with expectations, but it’s stirred up a bunch of stuff for sure, even before arriving. I suppose that’s good for a spiritual workshop. The point is to see through the maya to truth no matter what, so if there’s specific stuff that’s blocking that from happening, it’s good to become aware of it.

I suppose you’ll hear about it next week, probably. For now, I’ve been spending the week taking care of immediately important stuff, taxes, finances, and chipping away at the new house, putting stuff away. And some playing. Suzannah and I got the newest Zelda game, and we’ve been exploring the beautiful world they’ve created. Again, like its predecessor, this game is truly a work of art. Like a classic movie, except instead of being two or three hours long, it’s like a hundred hours long. So, maybe a bit more like an epic fantasy novel series. One of those big ones where each book is a thousand pages and there are ten books in the series.

But different. Epic fantasy novels are always doing stuff, but this game allows you to live a bit of the in-between moments, wandering around exploring, discovering. Cooking even, and gathering things to cook. And the game makes it all charming and fun.

The other thing I’ve been doing is making sure I’m ready for this trip, and continuing to journal and research and think about my conundrum. I haven’t yet come up with a better solution than counseling graduate school. I looked at MSW’s, I looked at coaching. I thought about just trying to do stuff with no credentials.

I think most importantly, I’ve been thinking about what it is I want to do. The credentials and education are not an end-goal in themselves, they are just a means to an end. The more clear I have that goal, the easier it becomes to make any intermediate decisions. The problem of course, is that it’s a better idea to gauge what you want by actually doing it, and then course correcting. We humans often incorrectly predict what will make us happy.

Anyways, I’ve still got at least a few weeks to decide on graduate school, if I get accepted. Everything is done for one of them, and everything but the interview for the other one. I’ll probably know if I’m doing that, and thus so will you, by somewhere around the beginning of July.

It’s clear that I like creating and writing, I’ve done that with great joy already. And I’m pretty sure I like counseling. I did it a bit when I tried being a life coach several years ago, and though it wasn’t perfect, it felt like generally the right direction. And I know I don’t want to be a classroom teacher from extensive experience, unfortunately. What kind of counseling work do I want to do? I’m not going to know that without some experience.

I suppose my main worry is that I will somehow be wrong, and I will dislike counseling as much as teaching. Or that I could do something I enjoy just as much using my teaching masters, and the counseling degree is superfluous. That’s a question to journal on and research I guess. Before I get another degree, can I do what I want, with my current one.

OK, talk again in another week.

-I Out