I keep being reminded by people, by the universe, that I'm really hard on myself, and it's not a good thing. I was reflecting on what need that fulfilled--being hard on myself--and I think a large part of it is protective, counterintuitive as that may be. You see, as bad as ripping myself apart may be, it pales in comparison, in my mind, to other people criticising me. We're not talking about little pointers, which are fine, but the idea of someone really laying into me about all my problems...you know, actually it doesn't seem so bad, now that I think about it.
Anyways, if I preemptively tear myself down, there's nothing for other people to do. I suppose it's like being surrounded by some menacing thugs who are about to beat me up and responding by beating myself up. They will probably just leave me to it, as long as I'm really going at it. And then at least I'm in control. I can avoid the really tender areas. I don't have to worry about something really bad happening to me, as long as I'm hurting myself somewhat.
Makes me think of this scene from Fight Club: (just the first 10 seconds or so from where this link cuts in:
https://youtu.be/eCKRI2wEw7I?t=1m43s
(though I found this scene first, which is also similar):
To be clear, I'm not saying I think this is a bright idea. But that seems to be much of the subconscious impetus.
The other element has more to do with self-love. And by that, I guess I mean self-appreciation. Self-worth. Unconditional acceptance. And not being able to do that so well. At the root of it is the question: am I loved and accepted, as I am? Even with all the parts of me that I think are not so great. The parts that go on Netflix binges and procrastinate my most important actions. The lazy parts, the callous parts.
Intellectually, I am clear that the universe, or God, as I call it, does indeed love each of us unconditionally, totally. But... on a heart level, a felt level... well, I don't feel that way. How does one change that? It's not something that can be answered intellectually, perhaps. I have to find it, feel it out, within myself.
It's like being blind in a room with an exit somewhere. I can intellectually think about what I've been told, for exiting the room. But ultimately the best that can do is give me strategies to try, or directions to try. Straight up directions won't necessarily work since I don't know what direction I'm facing. I have to start walking around, bumping into stuff, getting the feel of the layout. Maybe then some of what I've heard will make sense, "Oh, that's the chair they were talking about. That's the fridge. I guess I'm in the south west corner, I need to head left then?" And I can eventually feel out the door and step through it. Like that, I've got to feel around in my own heart and experience for what radical self-acceptance and compassion and forgiveness feels like.
But it's clearly important. So I guess I'll focus on that until I've got the hang of it.
With love,
-IO
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