Don't Fix (neuter) Yourself: Growth vs. Fixed Mindsets

Perhaps this will be a short post. That's the intention.

OK, some simple life updates, for the friends who want to ask, "what's up?"

I'm a little bit sick. Some kinda stomach thing. I'm taking the day off from school/work. (what do you call it when it's an internship where your teaching? I'm a teacher, so it's more like work, but I'm doing it as a student teacher, to learn, for my master's degree, so it's more like school...) Hopefully I'll be able to rest and get better quickly.

I'm having a bit of an attack of the lonely distractables. That's where I feel lonely and end up being distracted instead of getting work done efficiently. I've been getting some work done, a definit improvement from the past, when it would be none, but still, something that needs work.

One of my more useful distractions has been reading through most of Carol Dweck's book, "Mindset" which is a lovely book that I recommend to basically everybody, or at least all the people with fixed mindsets. Which is most of us. And anyone who is interacting with kids, because it's so important for them. I don't know that I can summarize it better than she herself can, so here's a link to her TED talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve/discussion#t-60070

If you don't have time and want a super quick version:

Fixed mindset: my abilities are static, they don't change. This means if I do bad on something, I am just bad at that kind of thing, I might as well give up, and I'll do anything to look like I'm good at things.

Growth mindset: my abilities change and grow with use, like your muscles grow at the gym. By persevering and experimenting with new strategies, I can get better at just about anything I want to. And challenges are the main way that I grow.

And it should be no surprise that growth mindset in almost all cases (I keep saying "almost all": it's because there are a few specific cases where it's not helpful, according to research, for instance, your sexual preference or sexual identity: thinking you can change that if you just work hard enough at it apparently doesn't lead to good things, it leads to feeling really bad about yourself.) those who have a growth mindset (or are switched into having a growth mindset by the researchers, which seems to be a fairly simple matter most of the time) perform MUCH better over the long run, showing significant improvements while the fixed mindset group tends to stagnate or even deteriorate.

Hopefully that gives a thumbnail sketch of it.

Bottom line, for me, is that though I've known about this for a long time, there are a few blind spots that I have, where I most definitely have a fixed mindset, and it leads to trubs. The ones that really come to mind are my personal character growth, teaching, and relationships. When I'm looking for it, the signs become obvious: I avoid challenge and doing things that are likely to fail the first time. I feel bad when things don't go right and I retreat. I feel like I am less for having failed, or not knowing what to do.

I don't mean to say I feel that way all the time. Sometimes I get into a growth mindset about those things, and it feels way better, and I perform way better. But those are areas where I frequently do slip back into the old crusty ways of believing I have a fixed ability and my results determine the quality of my character.

It makes me sad how fully I used to believe that about character. When I was in my early teens, I was trying SO hard to have an ideal routien, to be a really good student and person, and when I found myself not meeting my expectations again and again, I quickly started feeling like it was impossible for me to improve, that this was as good as I could do, and it was horribly depressing, and sucked the tremendous energy I initially had right out of my sails. Now at least, though I may still have the remnants of the habit, I know the truth is much different, so when I find myself falling into that dark place, I can remind myself that I'm falling into a belief that is not true, except that it's self-fulfilling.

Then I just need to remind myself of all the ways I have grown, and of that whole mindset that I do so well when I'm in the creative groove with improv dance or writing: enjoying the challenge, not taking mistakes and constructive criticism personally, just using them in a good-natured way to improve what I do, and all that with a sense of play. I can do that very well with some things. I just need to realize that it's true of pretty much all the things.



It really shouldn't be, at this point, but it was a little revelation the other day when I realized I had a very fixed mindset about getting distracted and not doing the things that are really important in my life. I felt really bad about those times, but a much better approach would be to just look at them as great opportunities to learn and grow stronger in those skills.

Easier said than done when in the midst of strong emotions that have been triggered, but worth fighting for.

Love to all of you, dear friends and family,
-IO

Remember you must die (The heavy-metal of classic philosophy)

Durning the online class I teach, and throughout the last...two weeks, at least? I think? I've been thinking a lot about my inevitable mortality. This flesh shall not last. To dust shall you return. Beware the ides of March. Does this taste funny to you?

It may surprise you, but as I taught the wisdom of death to my students, their comments were on the peace it brought, and the love it inspired. It did not surprise me.

Memento Mori is a primary dictum of the Stoics, and of the Sanatana Dharma. And of not just one, but several of my teachers. I think my favorite phrase currently is, "there are two things you should never forget; death, and God."

But there are many other good ones:

"I am grateful for the fact of my death: it has made my life possible."

and,

"...when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully."


I didn't suggest to my students that they morbidly obsess over death. Rather, I suggested they imagine looking back on their life, from their deathbed. From that vantage point, what is important becomes much clearer. For me, the only things that really seem to be the love I made and shared. The time spent warmly with friends and family. The choices I made that resonated with that iron string of truth and rightness in my heart. The ways I was of service to others, and the time I spend in earnest all-out endeavor to be living in the vast mystery and beauty of the Great Mystery, Brahmin, Godhead.

What really doesn't matter: the times I tried at something and failed. The dumb fluff I read and watched, the time I spend worrying about anything at all, the time I spent ruminating about anything at all, the time I spend being jealous or angry or petty or self-deprecating, the time I spent feeling bad for/about myself.

Wisdom from the deathbed: you never regret taking risks for things you care about. You always regret playing it safe because you're afraid of rejection or what other people will think or failing, with those same things you care about. You never regret letting those you care about know how much you love them. You (almost) always regret the petty vindictive things you do and say and think about others.

I could go on, but it's much simpler to just remember you will die, and take that death-bed perspective, and all the wisdom is yours for the taking, tailored to whatever specific event you're looking at.

In addition, lately, I've been trying to make a habit of using it to help me make tough decisions, to enhance my willpower. I imagine my deathbed self, rousing himself, looking at me with his piercing haunted eyes, and screaming at me not to waste the present moment. I've yet to implement it fully, I've been kind of busy and exhausted for installing new habits, but it's on the dock for super worthy habits to install. If you're curious of my list, it looks like this:

The very most important practices that I am working on turning into habits:

1) keeping an awareness of God with me at all times. Two main practices, namasmarana, and dedication of action
2) Self-compassion, and self-confidence
3) keeping awareness of Death with me at all times, especially when I am tempted to not practice the above two.

Number one has been ongoing for a while, number two is a bit new, and number three is even newer. Really, I only have the mental bandwidth to implement one new habit at a time, and number one is it. Three is in support of that, and two is right now just a short exercise I'm trying to do at least twice a day for a few minutes.

Live long and make each moment matter
-I

(In case you don't get the Blue Oyster Cult reference in the picture at the top)

Kind and truthful, beautiful and brutal: Self-love and awesome video games with friends

Another short one. (Perhaps. We will see.)

I'm so happy to be seeing and spending some time with friends regularly. It is such a positive experience. Though the staying up late to do so is really too bad, as I definitely also have better days when I go to bed really early and get up really early and do my regular morning rituals. It's hard to describe how comforting that is, to have my morning all set up, and have time to take care of all the things I need to prepare for.

I started reading the intro's to some books on teaching on Amazon, one about Finland and teaching, and it seems that it is possible, in some circumstances, to do a really really good job teaching, and only work 6 hours a day, and be able to leave your work at home when you go home. That sounds really good to me and I want to read that book and see how I might do that. I know one thing for sure: the work-life balance I have right now is absolutely insufferable in the long run. I'm only tolerating it now because it is extremely temporary, but what kind of message do I send to my students if I am horribly overworked and stressed out? What kind of environment do I create? No. I will find another way. Life is too precious to spend it unhappy. I'm all about working hard on what I love, but not so hard that I stop loving it.

I played Cuphead with the friends I'm hanging out with. It is AMAZING. It is local co-op, which is the very best kind of video-game playing. The kind where it's really just about doing something fun with friends. This game is so incredibly well done... I should just link to a video of it or something. It's like playing through a super old animation.

If my computer could run it, I would likely be playing it right now, so I suppose it's good it won't. It is "brutal" only in that it is extremely hard. I don't know how many times we've died, trying to defeat the various bosses. A lot. But that doesn't make it less fun. I'd say it makes it more fun. Because when we finally get good enough to beat it, it is deeply satisfying. It feels like a real and noteworthy accomplishment.

I am continuing to work on myself, in regards to self-love and trust. I feel very supported by the universe in this work, with friends, mentors, and the universe in general supporting, reminding, guiding me. And I feel my old crusty beliefs slowly being worked apart, like a knot being teased loose. I have a hard time even imagining what my life will be like, with that fairly central wound healed, but I think it will be pretty incredible feeling. It is linked in with so many things, including my feelings of loneliness, when they pop up. I can imagine feeling like I'm always with a best friend. Since, at that point, I will be acting like a best friend, too myself.

I spent a little time this morning, just patiently hearing my doubts and explaining to myself how there was no reason to be harsh and unkind to myself. No good reason at all. And really letting that clear truth sink in deep, not just superficially. Understanding of the heart, not just head.  I'm going to have to do that repeatedly. I've already forgotten again. But it is doable, and worth doing. And if I keep doing, I think I will stop forgetting.

The Truman Show

If my life were a TV-show it would be a self-deprecating, faux-after-school-special, edu-tainment sitcom called, "Learning From Failure, with Isaac Neva"

(I've decided that my stage name is "Neva" Has a nice ring to it. The open syllable at the end is round and friendly, and it sounds like "never" which is a fun name: Mr. Neva, Mr. Never. Kind of like "Mr. Nowhere Man")

Winter is coming. Checklists for better living. Chinese Ladybug friend.

I'm a bit tired, in general. I'm quite busy. I've created a little stack of note cards, the top one says "Emergency Distraction Checklists" and below it are a series of different checklists for things to try for various distraction problems. Inspired somewhat from my own brain, somewhat refined by my skim-through of "The Checklist Manifesto."

Seems like a genuinely useful idea. We shall see. It's simple, which I like.

That's all for this week. Even posting this at all is a challenge. I'm writing it in the few minutes between waking up, meditating, and going to school. I maybe be doing it instead of showering. But that would be ok because the heat isn't working currently. I really hope it starts working by tonight, because it's going to get freezing. I also hope I can get snow tires on my car this afternoon, because the winter it is a'coming.

On a cute note, a ladybug/Chinese-ladybug (which seem to be hardier and more likely to bite) is keeping me company, crawling around my desk.

That's all for this week folks. Might have more time next week.