I'm so happy to be seeing and spending some time with friends regularly. It is such a positive experience. Though the staying up late to do so is really too bad, as I definitely also have better days when I go to bed really early and get up really early and do my regular morning rituals. It's hard to describe how comforting that is, to have my morning all set up, and have time to take care of all the things I need to prepare for.
I started reading the intro's to some books on teaching on Amazon, one about Finland and teaching, and it seems that it is possible, in some circumstances, to do a really really good job teaching, and only work 6 hours a day, and be able to leave your work at home when you go home. That sounds really good to me and I want to read that book and see how I might do that. I know one thing for sure: the work-life balance I have right now is absolutely insufferable in the long run. I'm only tolerating it now because it is extremely temporary, but what kind of message do I send to my students if I am horribly overworked and stressed out? What kind of environment do I create? No. I will find another way. Life is too precious to spend it unhappy. I'm all about working hard on what I love, but not so hard that I stop loving it.
I played Cuphead with the friends I'm hanging out with. It is AMAZING. It is local co-op, which is the very best kind of video-game playing. The kind where it's really just about doing something fun with friends. This game is so incredibly well done... I should just link to a video of it or something. It's like playing through a super old animation.
If my computer could run it, I would likely be playing it right now, so I suppose it's good it won't. It is "brutal" only in that it is extremely hard. I don't know how many times we've died, trying to defeat the various bosses. A lot. But that doesn't make it less fun. I'd say it makes it more fun. Because when we finally get good enough to beat it, it is deeply satisfying. It feels like a real and noteworthy accomplishment.
I am continuing to work on myself, in regards to self-love and trust. I feel very supported by the universe in this work, with friends, mentors, and the universe in general supporting, reminding, guiding me. And I feel my old crusty beliefs slowly being worked apart, like a knot being teased loose. I have a hard time even imagining what my life will be like, with that fairly central wound healed, but I think it will be pretty incredible feeling. It is linked in with so many things, including my feelings of loneliness, when they pop up. I can imagine feeling like I'm always with a best friend. Since, at that point, I will be acting like a best friend, too myself.
I spent a little time this morning, just patiently hearing my doubts and explaining to myself how there was no reason to be harsh and unkind to myself. No good reason at all. And really letting that clear truth sink in deep, not just superficially. Understanding of the heart, not just head. I'm going to have to do that repeatedly. I've already forgotten again. But it is doable, and worth doing. And if I keep doing, I think I will stop forgetting.
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