Whoops! Stress, Recuperation, The over-tired baby.

Wow, I had completely forgotten about this, until someone reminded me of something else I was supposed to write, that I had completely forgotten about.

I don't have much more to say than that, really. Every day after work I feel like one of those asfalt flatteners has run me over.


I'm trying... well, many things. I'm trying to figure out how I can work and not feel like that at the end of the day, or if that's even possible (is it how I'm approaching it, or is it just a building up endurance thing, or some of each, or something else entirely?)

And how I can get enough recuperation that I'm somewhat fresh for the new day, and not so run down by the weekend that I'm too tired to even rest properly. (is that what "overtired" means?)

I appreciate the motivation that this job gives me to push myself. I appreciate my kind, funny, supportive, skilled coworkers. I'm grateful for getting to do something that feels meaningful to me. And I'm grateful for getting to work with a bunch of kids who I love. I'm grateful for many, many things about my job, and my life overall.

But I'm also going through what I think is the fairly universal first year teacher experience (TM) which is a quite stressful ordeal. Anxiety, self-doubt, deep exhaustion. They are things, they are real. I'm handling them as best I can, and I believe I'll come out the other side, I just need to keep going.

But yeah, it's a lot. Many aspects of my life are falling away because I just don't have time or energy for them. I'll try and keep up this blog if I at all can, but it seems possible that I may wake up one day and realize I haven't posted here or even thought about it for a few weeks, because too many other things have crowded it out of my tired brain.

In any case, peace be with you, may your lives be filled with light and goodness, and may you find goodness and gratitude even in the bitter parts of life: if not for the pleasure they give you, for the learnings they impart.

With love to all those dear to me, and a general benevolent love to the unknown persons who've accidentally somehow stumbled upon this,

^_^

-Isaac

The best medicine

humor, as the saying goes.

I think I'm on the edge of getting sick, but I'll be a hog's belly before I just let that happen. People try all sorts of potions and remedies to avoid and return from being sick, but really I think the most effective things are the simplest. But not the easiest. Getting enough rest, for example. Simple, but much harder than popping some pills.

Being happy. Simple. But not something you can force. It's a subtle game, to both respect and honor whatever feelings you have, and at the same time, relentlessly shift your focus back to gratitude, hope, love. If you don't properly honor your present moment internal state, you get repression, which is super unhealthy, and unpleasant. If you don't consciously choose to focus on gratitude and such things, you can get stuck in a dark bog of negativity, where the negative thoughts feed on and echo themselves in a negative spiral.

I'm still figuring out the balance for myself. But as with all things, as I consciously work on it, I'm getting better. Better at genuine positivity in my life, no matter the situation.

There's a saying, I think it's from an ancient Greek philosopher, "nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Perhaps you have qualms with that, but it would certainly lead to an interesting discussion, no matter where you fall on the matter.

I don't think it's as simple as deciding to be happy, since we're dealing with our subconscious and emotional minds as well, that don't just obey our every command. But I do think our beliefs and paradigms and interpretations are what shape our experience of life.

So I'm working on consciously shaping mine. It's slow going, but so are most of the amazing things I've done or had done to me in my life so far.

I know something must be up with my body, because I'm planning to go to bed as soon as I possibly can, and rather than dreading laying in bed with my mind whirring and nothing to do, I am euphoric at the idea. I think I could go to sleep right now, and it's 7:30. I feel so grateful for sleep. Thank you for rest, for peace, for health and strength, and for a biologically enforced break.

Good night and good week, all. Stay healthy, if you can.
^_^
-Isaac

And here's some "medicine":

Gratitude, anxiety, focus

I don't have time for much this week.

Slowly, I'm feeling less anxious, less often. And less overwhelmed less often. I've got a great assistant who's more seasoned than me at classroom management, and that is a tremendous gift. There are still huge vast amounts to learn and improve, but at least I'm not feeling like curling up into a ball in a hole in the ground and sucking my thumb during all my off time.

It's exciting to be learning, and I am learning and growing quickly because of the pressure of all those relying on me, but the pressure is not horrible and crushing. It's just enough to keep me working with focus and dedication, which is ideal, once there's no longer the anxiety surrounding it. And still pretty good, even with some anxiety. I feel blessed to be in the situation I'm in. Gratitude over and over to the benevolent intelligence of the universe guiding and guarding me, and all the people that make it possible.

Love,
Isaac

Pic not related.

how can I do this as quickly as possible?

Though I wake up Monday mornings (and some other mornings) with a knot of anxiety in my chest, worrying about how I will do this week, though I'm quite pooped in body and soul by the end of the week, I've decided that by sheer dint of will and determination, I'm going to have a good time, with my life, with my work.

So much of life is in the interpretation, in the perspective. There are always good things to be found, in any day. As there are always bad things. So I wonder what the repercussions are of choosing to focus on stuff I can complain about, vs. stuff I can be thankful for. Of course, you can take this too far and ignore the very real negative emotions you are feeling, and that's not healthy at all.

That whole subtlety is a long conversation in its own right. the TL; DR is just, I think: don't dwell and roll around in your angst, but do acknowledge and allow all your feelings to be felt, and then focus on the good, and reframe the bad.

I'm not in a rush here. I'm in this for the long haul. I'll find my balance. Perhaps in a kind of balanced imbalance. I like the analogy of running: you are constantly falling forwards, when running. If you stopped putting one foot in front of the other, you'd fall smack on your face. But by taking step after step, you find a kind of balance in that imbalance, where your momentum keeps you just perfectly in that leaning forward place that allows you to move fastest.

It's like that with life in general, I think: if you want to grow and progress, you need to be leaning into life. Often leaning into discomfort. But you don't want it to be fall-on-your-face discomfort. You want a kind of energetic, engaged ease and flexibility in that falling forward motion, a poise, that allows you to maintain it long term. too much leaning into discomfort and you scrape your face on the asphalt. too little lean and you end up moving very slowly, or, if you try and move quickly, you fall on your butt with your legs way in front of you.

... I've lost the thread of the analogy.

In any case, I'm looking for that: that comfort with the "leaning into life": the discomfort and uncertainty and failure. Along with the driving action necessary to move forward. (the legs moving/running) It's a challenging place to get to, but it is without a doubt the best possible posture for rapid growth and progress.

Finally, at least, I have a task, a mission, that I have no doubt is worthwhile, and deserves every ounce of effort I can muster towards it. That is one of the greatest blessings of my life right now.

Good night all ^_^


P.S.

here's a photo dump of various happenings over the last few weeks:

Speaking of Analogies... perhaps the one I just gave was worse than I thought and the government is coming for me. This is an actual truck that parked next to me. I am delighted that such a thing exists.

awesome huge praying mantis I saw on the front door to my school. I learned my lesson from last time and didn't tell the kids.

...some kinds can handle holding bugs gently or just giving the thier distance, but I showed some kids a monarch butterfly chrysalis, and one kid tore it off its perch onto the ground, killing the crystalis. I felt horrible and horrified. As did most of the kids, I think.

Some awesome cute/ugly ducks that were hanging out for a few weeks along the back road to my aunts house. I find their knobbly red skin super cute. But it makes me think how I'd probably find the same feature on a person ugly. Who decides? In any case, I found there continual presence soothing and delightful. Most of this series is about delightful things, I guess.

Finally, what looked like a banksy-esk art installation, but might have just been some dropped off garbage

I felt like zooming in was somehow appropriately dramatic so I've included the series of photo's here.

as a more creepy note, right nearby was a big crack in the sidewalk were I saw on of the biggest spiders I've ever seen outside of tarantula exhibits in zoo's. It's Abdomen was the size of a grape. O.O

In any case, I feel like this picture, especially the first one, is some kind of commentary on impermanence and time. If it was accidental, it's delightful, and if it was on purpose,  good job banksy fan.

If you don't know banksy: here's a link
He's... interesting.