Life is Good

One of the things I told my self, as I was 21, 22 years old, and still didn't have a relationship was that it was almost certainly a grass is greener situation: the people who had relationships weren't actually happier than those who did not. Maybe some area's were better, but were then balanced out by other areas that were worse. It made me feel dumb, then, that I still wanted one so much. Then I had my first relationship, and I learned that I was quite wrong: when a relationship is working well, it does distinctly improve quality of life. It was however important that the relationship was healthy, as an unhealthy relationship was definitely worse than no relationship. Gottman's scientific measures seem to confirm this, in a more objective way: couples in happy marriages live longer and report less stress and higher general satisfaction levels. Those in unhappy relationships have decreased immune systems and if I recall correctly higher levels of stress hormones in their blood.

It's definitely spring. as I look out my window while pausing in writing this, two little birds are... um, ensuring future generations of birds. Thematically appropriate? In any case, the current new relationship that is budding feels fantastic. It is deeply joy producing. I feel like each relationship I've had has taught me things, and then the next one was better, for what I learned. The last relationship I had, before this one, was actually overall quite positive. There was almost no drama in it, and lots of nice stuff. Though it was certainly weird: almost entirely long distance, before even really getting to know each other.

Anyhoo, I'm getting a bit off topic. Last time I was talking about the crazy roler-coaster of last weekend. I want to be clear, her (the woman I'm dating) feelings that the relationship felt wrong, were not superficial. There was one thing that kind of coalesced all the feelings and worries that were kind of lurking under the waters, but they were legitimate concerns. Ultimately it boiled down (I think) to something like the relationship feeling a bit unnatural, a lack of connection. There were areas where we were both subtly withholding our feelings, trying to 'make' things work. In the proccess of deciding to let the romantic part of the relationship die, leaving the solid deep resonance that is the seed of best-friend-ship, she saw that I was genuinely willing to not grab at her, to not manipulate her, but just to listen, as well as she could listen to herself, to what she truly wanted, and support her in that, beyond any personal interests.

I strongly believe that's what real love is. Real love means I want what's best for you, even if that means I don't get something I really want. It means I'll do my best to make you happy and comfortable. It means if you don't want to be with me, I'll help you see that, I'll give you all the facts that help you make that decision, and I'll make it as easy as I can to break up with me. I won't guilt, I won't beg, I won't try and convince you otherwise. I will honor the truth of your feelings and continue to respect and love you and treat you with kindness.

So much of what we call love is mostly deeply selfish. Do what I want, and I 'love' you, but as soon as you stop doing that, or you do something I don't like, then I hate you. It's very transactional. Love me, and I love you, reject me, and I hate you. What about, I love you, period. You feel however you feel, I will just do what I can to protect your heart, whether we're in a relationship or not.

Granted, this woman brings out the best of me, it makes it easier to love and trust my inner wisdom that God knows what he's doing in all things and my job is to just keep surrendering it all to him and listening to the inner promptings for what to do, when common sense falls short of answers.

What's truly saintly is this kind of love, applied to everyone, but intimate relationships, romantic partners, family, are the training-grounds for the more expansive version. If you can't do it with your family, don't' expect to be able to do it with everyone else. Especially in the really deep way that makes the biggest difference.

In any case. I'm dating a girl, and she brings out the best in me. We're very different, but we have the thing that's my #1 on my list: that deep resonance that I find in all my very best friends. The handful of people that I can sit with endlessly, that feel like home, that leave me not tired at the end of a longer hangout, but energized. I noticed this feeling with this woman, close to as strong as I've ever felt it. In addition, I admire her. Her sharp mind, her generous and graceful heart, her beautiful soul (and body, but I'll mostly skip over that, in the hopes of maintaining a PG rating.) We have similar humor, a similar respect for science, inquisitive, questioning minds, a love of nature, a love of nerdy/gamer things, shared friends... much of this stuff is just icing, I didn't have it as a requirement, it was just added grace. But there are some things that are so wonderful... much of how she thinks, her openness to learning, growing, the ability to step outside her own perspective and take others, are some of the dearest qualities of my best friend Dan, who I likely would have married, if one of us had been a girl. The way we could talk, and the effortless flow of just being, between us.

I think what happened with the whole reset, last week, was realizing we'd traveled away from the initial goodness of the deeply honest and authentic friendship that started things. There were additional expectations and things held back, in the name of a romantic relationship, and what made things work was the easy, kind honesty that we both loved so much. We both kind of realized that was where things needed to be coming from: deep, thorough honesty, with ourselves as much as the other. When we are just really honest with each other and ourselves, about how we feel, what we want and don't want, we keep finding a magical level of...what to call it...synchrony? accord? 'compatibility'? Joy, in relationship. And safety, in the honesty. It's not a harsh honesty. Another thing I love is how kind and caring for my feelings she is, how thoughtful in how she shows affection and gives of herself. I do that in my own relationships, and I don't know if it's shared love languages or what, but it feels nice, like we both feel that way, both act that way, and so it doesn't feel like over-giving, it just feels like giving a lot and being given as much in return.

I could write on it for a while, if I had the time, but I do not. I'll try not to gush repeatedly, and leave it at this, but I make come back to the subject, since it's pleasant to dwell on. Suffice it to say, I'm dating someone and they are wonderful, and the relationship makes me feel wonderful, and I'm pretty sure it makes them feel wonderful too. I try not to expect things of the future, so I am just being deeply grateful for the present, the tremendous gifts of joy and of feeling my heart held and loved as it loves. Will it be there when I wake up tomorrow? Quite likely. But I don't know that for sure, and if it's not, I still cannot be anything but incredibly grateful for the grace and love I have already been given.

It didn't happen by accident, I've worked hard on myself, for this, for years and years and years. But it wasn't fully within my power. I worked hard on myself, so when the 'lucky' chance came around, I was ready for it. (I don't really believe in luck, I'm a fan of the karma theory, though what that means is, I think, different to different people, so I may not mean what you think of when I say that.)

I'd bee working on the very first step: meeting someone who I thought would be great with me. I was prepared for a long haul, but it ended up not taking too long. But most of the Gottman stuff is not about finding someone. It's about all the work that must continually go into a relationship, to maintain it so it is good, and growing, week by week. And I look forward to this work, to learning what it is and putting it into practice, because it is joyful, deep, growth-inducing work. And whatever else happens, much of it will be useful in all my relationships, and all of it will be useful in my romantic relationship, which, hopefully, will account for the longest relationship of my life. So hopefully I can do the work to make it a generally joyful and peaceful and growthful one.

The end, really time for bed now. I'm so exhausted. I slept in, but it was still a kind of busy day, and last night was a LARP with friends, which always runs late and leaves me exhausted, though deeply satisfied. LARP stands for Live Action Role Play and the way me and my friends do it is a bit like a costume party/murder mystery, but the genera extends well beyond murder mystery, into the realm of urban/historical fantasy. It's an amazing thing.

OK, good night, good week, and if you have a relationship, I cannot recommend Gottman's work, especially for men, who need it the most. Guys, if you study this stuff you will have a huge leg up from other men, both in finding someone and in helping create a satisfying relationship. Forget sex manuals, these books are way more useful.

Take care!
-I