Learning to learn. Moving to Austin. Higher and higher.

Sunday Evening. 

My nephew-to-be had his 4th birthday. Water gun fights, pizza, present opening, and a really good chocolate cake my fiancee made.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before: I'm moving to Austin. I got offered my dream job. However, it's gonna be a bit different than I imagined due to covid.

In addition to moving to Austin, starting a new job, and getting married, I'm taking the last summer of my Montessori training. It's more rigorous than a doctoral program, or so I've been told (by someone who's done a doctoral program and this). It's easy to belive: it's more intense than the masters in education , which was in turn more intense than the professional acting conservatory I did in New York, which was more intense than my undergraduate degree. Which was actually super chill, so that's not saying much. But the acting conservatory and on were actually challening, so from there on up it's been a continual stretch and grow process. And then working as a first year teacher for an age range I hadn't been trained in was even more intense.

What I'm trying to say is I'm really grateful for the momentary rest where things are less intense. That's mostly over now. I've got two more weeks before class starts officially, but I'm already gearing up for studying for my test, finishing my homework, and getting ready to start taking the classes. Also planning out a covid-informed wedding and the move with Suzannah.

I've been getting warmed up by taking some classes and reading books/articles about memorization, note taking, speed reading, time-blocking, and such, attempting to get my system as efficient as possible for the heavy load, but it is now go time, and I've begun implementing it and starting to review and reflect on my process, tweaking things, as I work on homework and logistics.

It's kind of novel, feeling like I actually have the time to plan things out in an intelligent way. Previously, I felt like I was drowning, and trying to read a manual on swimming while in the midst of the sea. Now, I'm actually getting to read, practice, take a lesson, before being thrown into the ocean, and it's a way more peaceful experience. Another thing I'm profoundly grateful for.

It's reminding me of how much I love to learn. I've gotten quite good at learning new things on my own, and I've been so busy previously, that I haven't had much time to put this meta-skill into use, but now that I do have some time, I find it not only in good working condition, but improved. 

Have you ever done the trick where you try jumping over a stack of books, with a heavy backpack on? you keep adding more and more books, until you can't jump any higher. Then you take the backpack off and easily clear what was before impossible. That's a little like how it feels now. Learning, focusing, practicing, feels almost easy, with all the time I have. It's challenging, but it's a good level of challenge, not a crushing one.

Makes me think I'll never get bored in retirement.

Learning how to learn: find good teachers. Keep a steady, regular habit of practice. Keep an open mind. Lean into challenge. 

The only essential one is the habit of consistent, diligent practice, but the others accelerate things. I highly recommend acquiring that habit.

I'll point anyone interested in that towards James Clear and the book Atomic Habits. He also has a free blog that has most if not all the good ideas contained in the book, in a less organized format. I really like his writing style. It's not the only place to go to learn how to make and keep good habits, but it's a really good one.

The garden is blooming outside and it's beautiful. I wonder if I can upload the videos I took to this blog post?

In any case, I hope you are well, dear friends and family. Thinking of you with warmth and prayers for your safety and health.

... I really need to switch to Wordpress, Google docs can't even upload my video...I don't think google cares that much about blogger any more, not getting much love from them, with fixing bugs etc...

In any case, here are the links to what I get to see when I'm sitting out back, enjoying the beauty of creation. (And the fruits of Suzannah's labors)

https://youtu.be/QD4Gh3HhgIA

https://youtu.be/BGMAbOF5Hxs

Blog post for last week (may 17th-ish)

Started writing this a week ago and got interrupted, and forgot about it. Figure I'll finish it up and post it

Tensions are running high. What week or month are we at in the pandemic?

I've been noticing it, bubbling beneath the surface, with several of the people I've interacted with recently. Anger at small things, depression, getting hurt more easily.

I try and avoid facebook like the plague, but I saw a post that was impactful. Someone saying, has anyone had people they know impacted by Covid? They were in an isolated town, and it still didn't feel real to them. But lots of people responded. So many have already lost family members, or had a serious scare, them going to the hospital. This is getting real for more and more people.

It's interesting to see, it's like some people are in a house that's on fire, looking out the window, at others, who's house is not yet on fire. The on fire people are yelling: you need to take precautions, it's going to spread! I didn't think it would either, but now it's too late! And the people not on fire are thinking: nah, it's not gonna happen to me. Or perhaps, they're just watching it on tv, and not even registering it as real. Meanwhile, the people with their houses on fire are watching these people, and feeling like they're in a whole different universe. But the ones looking see the flames licking at the base of the buildings, even those that are not yet on fire.

It's even more complicated though, because those people for whom it's not real yet, they're doing stuff that's putting others at risk. Like, they've got cinders in their shoes, and are walking around town over dry grass, setting fires without realizing it, and when others tell them they (might be) setting dangerous fires, they just ignore them. People living in extremely different worlds. There are even more worlds though. Some think it's real, but they think some shadowy organization is to blame. It feels surreal. But it is real.

What exactly it is, or rather how it works, we're still figuring out, but it is real. It's not necessary to go crazy with panic, and dread (I'd say that's actually counterproductive, leading to irrational actions) but it is useful to take level-headed precautions and have a heightened awareness and alertness.

It does not decrease the beauty of the spring coming into leaf all around us, or the laughter had with friends (over skype, perhaps). It doesn't have to stop us from taking moments for gratitude, or to reconnect with our core values and remind ourselves how we're living them. (a really powerful exercise I want to talk about and experiment with more some time.)

Birthday Blog Post

There is so much I want to say and have wanted to say, during this last week. Wanted to write. Much has been forgotten. It's been surprisingly busy.

I've got so many exciting things cooking: I'm doing a speed reading course, so I can end up reading 2-4 times faster than previously, (with full comprehension, not skimming). I'm working out a schedule I can follow that will keep me accountable-time wise and help me stay on task. I'm polishing up my capture and process system, baking it into that routine, I'm working on adding a missing element to my previous time management system, time blocking (or timeboxing, it has different names, it's also related to the pomodoro method.) I'm also learning studying and memorizing techniques, to make my studys for the AMI (montessori) exams go more efficiently and effectively.

I'm getting back into spending a few moments outside during the sunrise, something I'd forgotten how much I missed. I think the most beautiful time of day is right around day-break, and it's a shame to miss these daily works of art. They inspire and uplift me, and are a good setting to pray and reflect. (As long as the bugs don't get to me...)

I'm integrating and updating how I'll do my habit tracking, to make sure these habits have the best chance of happening, and I'm thinking about how to adjust to Suzannah's routine as well, so I can keep the ease of having a fixed routine but be flexible to run when she's ready to. (and also how to keep the pattern of my routine when my day is a bit different than usual, from my own side.)

I'm doing daily check-in's with my vision, reminding myself why I do what I do, and periodically reflecting my my shorter-term goals, keeping those targets and the inspiration that comes from them in my mind as well.

It's not all mechanical though, reminding myself of the deepest motivations in my life and why those things motivate me fills me with gratitude and awe, reminds me of the greatness within me (and within everyone, and everything) and uplifts me.

During the day, I have so much enthusiasm for what I'm doing I'll work straight through from finishing my morning routine till 5 or 6 pm. It feels so good to have the time and ability to do this. I feel like a lot of useful systems require a large time and energy input to get started, and I'm so excited to finally have that time and energy, after years of not having a moment to breath. I've missed it.

I have time, and what greater gift is there than that? It's something you never get more of, it only runs out. And as people die or almost die around me, it becomes even clearer how precious that is. The moments I have outside in the morning, listening to the cool clean breeze making a sussarus through the leaves, watching the golden tips of the trees catching the morning sun while the low clouds all around glow golden and reflect that gold onto everything. The time spent cuddling Suzannah in the morning, marveling at my fortune.

I don't like saying "I'm so lucky" because that sound random. Like I just rolled the dice and happened to get all these good things. That explanation is harmful to everyone who looks at it, because it says this is just dumb luck, you get it or you don't, the end. Most everything that is good in my life came from intelligent, persistent, patient work. I decided what I wanted, I researched how to get it, and I started taking the steps to get their. Often there wasn't a clear path, but I did the best I could with the info I had and adjusted along the way as I learned from experience, from what worked and what didn't.

There are certainly things that are unearned, that do just come through... what to call it... luck, destiny, fate, karma... not your direct actions. I happen to believe in reincarnation and multiple lives as an explanation for that, but it's mostly irrelevant. The important point of all that is that you have a sense of control: your actions dictate your future. And even more important than that, your thinking dictates your experience. I think it was Marcus Aurelius who said (translated obviously) "there's nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so." I've trained myself to be happy, grateful, to let go of grudges and bitterness and anger, to look for the good that could come from anything, even things that initially seemed bad. I've trained myself to speak kindly to myself, to be compassionate and gentle with my mistakes and foibles. To have a growth mindset, to persist even when things are hard or seem hopeless. I searched for teachers who could help me with all these problems I had, I humbly tried out their suggestions, when they seemed promising, kept trying them for a while, to give them a good shake, and kept those that worked.

I certainly do not do this all the time, every time. It's a continuing journey of remembering to do it sooner, and more often. But the importaint thing is life has been steadily shifting from, say, 90% bad and 10% good, to 50-50 (which felt like a huge tipping point, when I realized that my experience of life was in general ok.) to now, maybe... 80% good? More?

I trained myself on how to learn and pick up new habits, to be disciplined. I trained myself in how to make grace and good fortune more likely. I trained myself into happiness. I was not always happy like this. I would describe my childhood, at least from... maybe 7-10 onwards, as deeply cynical, depressed, and self-critical. It sucked. I'd cry every birthday, because I'd reflect on my life and become deeply depressed at how bad I was living my life. So no, I was not just born with a genetic predisposition to happiness. That is a thing, yes, but also, you have a huge say in these things via your repeated actions and thoughts.

When you are depressed, it is really hard to motivate yourself to any kind of action, but I tried, floundered, reached out for any help from any corner I could get. A good therapist ended up being really helpful. If I had an inherent advantage, looking back, it was humility. I was not too proud to seek out help, to try anything, even if it seemed embarrassing. My pride did not get in the way of me seeking solutions, being open to help from all quarters. Perhaps this was just a side effect of my low self esteem: I had no faith that I knew what I was doing or that I could do this by myself, so I was willing to lean on whoever was nearby that might be able to help me out. (Mostly that was books at first.)

It took a long time to dig my way out of that hole. I had no idea if I'd ever get out. And as I said, being depressed makes it hard to muster much energy for anything. As does self-criticism and. But even with all that, I kept trudging along, and after far too long, I finally pulled myself out of the hole.

And then found there was so much further I could go. There were mountains to climb. Mountains on top of mountains.

So now, I look back and my main regret is just how long it took me to get here. I am kind of sad at how old I am already, before I've actually started to live.

And so, deep within me is a burning imperative: Bring this to others. Bring this to others like me, when I was young. Save them the years of trying. Save them from having to start life when a third of it is already over. The things that took me so long were often a matter of not having a good approach, or not having a teacher to guide me who knew what to do. When I finally did get some good guides, things accelerated and deepend more than they could have on my own. If I could curate, if I could provide feedback and supports, how much faster could I have made my journey?

I went the long way, hopefully so I could teach people how to go the short way. I love learning about the world and sharing it, that is a lot of fun, but the real fire within me, is teaching these deeper lessons. The process of doing that is where I'm at right now. Practicing, refining the tools, learning how to teach them. I'm also learning how to do the academic stuff, and I want to learn that well, but it's not what burns within me. I'm interested in giving the best of what I've learned to everybody regardless of age, (what's the saying, the best time to start was ten years ago, the second best time to start is now), but I suppose it's nice that I got led to teaching young kids, as that's where this can have the greatest payoff.

In any case, I'm thrilled with what I'm doing these days, it feels great. I was reflecting, as my birthday approached, on how I felt like I was doing an ok job of things, but not a great job of it. Currently that is changing. I'm revving up and planning for the tools and structures that will allow me to do the work and have the focus that will feel like I'm doing a good job at life.

There's a book, I didn't particularly like it, not bad, but didn't stick out in my mind, except for the title, and general idea. It was called "Die Empty"
I like that. Die feeling like you've given everything you had to give. Maybe something zen as well about emptiness. But not used-up empty. Empty like you feel after a hard workout, where you've pushed yourself has hard as you can, in a healthy way, and your limbs feel like cooked noodles. Nothing is broken or bent, but you feel like you've earned the rest you're now taking.

The interesting thing is, in life, when you're doing that, giving that, you don't seem to wind up empty, you just get more and more energy back. Doing what feels right, serving others, acts like a multiplier for energy, and then really your limiting factor is time. The only way you can improve is to deepen the focus you give, in the alloted time, and choose what you are doing wisely, using the time for it's best purpose.

Which is not meant to sound workaholic, sometimes the best purpose is a quiet moment of reflection and gratitude on the beauty of the sunrise.

I'll stop there, because I've got something else coming up in a moment, and I still have another blog to write, for this weekend, so I should save some stuff for that.

Happy Birthday, (to me) and to you, dear friends. It may not be your birthday but I hope you're able to take some of the Happy and share it, in lieu of a birthday cake.

With Love,
-Isaac

Mothers day. Things breaking down. Be true to yourself.

My laptop died yesterday. Relatively new-ish macbook air, I set it to do the latest security update, and when I came back to it, it was off and could not be turned on even with apple tech support. I'm waiting for a mailing package to arrive and their estimating 500$ for repairs, though hopefully it will be less. I'm not angry, apple, I'm just disappointed in you. (Said with dad voice.)

Also, my wireless keyboard has been close to non-functional. It will choke for up to 20 seconds, not receiving any inputs, on and off, over and over. Then sometimes it starts working properly for longer periods. I assume it's because it's cheap? We'll see, I'm going to try a slightly better keyboard that should have a better signal. Also as I tried to post this, the text was all messed up because blogger has removed it's spell-check... one more strike against it. It's really just a matter of time now before I switch to a more with-it blogging platform.

Lots of minor (or I guess major) technology issues. I suppose it goes with the whole theme of the day, all sorts of systems are breaking down a bit. Apparently it's impossible to get meat now. I only know this because Suzannah gets ground turkey for the cats and hasn't been able to now. Supply chain issues are likely to continue and perhaps increase, as more staff get sick. It's just the way of things these days. We need to lower our expectations. As long as I have shelter, food, water, and my health I'm extremely grateful. That's wealth, really. Plus I get to live with a best friend and two cute cats, and it's beautiful out. I love spring.


In other news, I've been noticing a slide that I suspect has been happening with a lot of people, just kind of getting up later, getting a bit more sluggish. As our routines are disrupted, as we have less external structures keeping us to specific times, I suspect a lot of us are sliding downhill. I'm trying to catch myself. I've just started setting my phone back up on the other side of the room so I have to get up to turn off the alarm in the morning. It's been years since I needed that trick, but my old wake up early habit is pretty eroded at this point, so I need such extreme measures to get myself back on track.


I just looked at my folder of papers and scraps and clippings in my "regular review" folder, a collection of learnings and inspiration that I try to refresh myself on regularly, and found the article, "The Regrets of the Dying." It jives well with my general practice of memento mori, (remember your death) since it was written by someone in hospice care. As I'm imagining being on my deathbed, this article gives me a better picture of what I might be thinking, since she mentions the 5 most common regrets she found people had, on their deathbeds. Here they are:

#5 I wish I had let myself be happier.
#4 I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
#3 I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings
#2 I wish I hadn't worked so hard

#1 I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me

so, perhaps ponder now, before your deathbed, if you're living a life true to yourself. My birthday is coming up, which is often a day for reflection, for me, so having just read that, I'm pondering it myself. Also, the #2 regret is something I'm noticing now, having gone from working too hard to now not working too hard. It's true, I like life better when I'm not over worked. I think I'd be willing to live a simpler life and take a pay cut to have that be generally true. Though not working enough is also a problem. Especially on the things that are most important to me.

Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it was Mothers Day, which is a good holiday I think. Mothers deserve appreciation. Though hopefully we let them know they are loved and appreciated every day, not just one day of the year. One of the people I look to as a spiritual luminary has said our mother is our first teacher, and also our first inkling of God, as a physical symbol for that love, nurturing, and the creation of our very existence. And that it is better to honor your mother first, rather than an abstract idea of God.

I think how mothers are treated is a good indication of the quality of a culture. Are they respected? Honored?


Only a few weeks until I’m done with teaching school, and it’s time to switch over to being a student for the final summer of my elementary Montessori training. It’s all going to be online now, and I’m not sure what that will mean for the course. Many things will have to be different, and I wonder if it will be more or less difficult. I assume it will be less work, but not having class schedules or fellow students to help motivate me will make things more difficult. Overall it’s nice not to have to travel so much, it will save several days of driving and a lot of money renting a place in San Diego.

I’ve been sitting on some job news for a while, an almost comically long time, as first I was asked to wait till a certain time, and then this whole pandemic thing came up, which makes everything uncertain. I feel like I should wait till I see how things shake out before making a big announcement.


I’m also thinking about that in terms of the wedding. The wedding is planned for Labor day, but… well, with things as they are, the number of people who may be coming is more variable than normal. Normally you expect maybe 25% of the people who say they’re coming to not be able to make it for some reason, life happens, but as it is, our wedding could be anywhere from 200 to 10 people. That seems unreasonable. It would be wasteful to have food and rent stuff for 200 and have only 10 show up, but it seems quite probable that there will still be pandemic stuff going on then, though it may have died down a bit for the summer. I also don’t want to expose people to more risk just to celebrate with me in person. I should research further, but it might just end up being a very small wedding with a large remote attendance, and then a big reception later, when things are actually safe. Right now those are just the thoughts bouncing around in my head, but at some point I’ll have to sit down, do some research and make a decision.


In any case, love to you, my friends, who I’m trying to keep in contact with ;-)

And especially to all the mothers. You are the first teacher, the imparter of character and culture, and often the most important person in a child's life. Thank you, and deep respect for the responsibility you have shouldered.

-I Out

Mastery, flow, growth, stagnation.

Reading Montessori books for summer class homework. Reading Peak by Anders Ericsson. Thinking about teaching, and mastery, and flow. Montessori noticed that children, when introduced to what amounts to the process of flow, and of practice that leads to mastery, tend to normalize themselves behaviorally, as well as advancing in their physical and mental skills to levels much higher than traditionally thought of as normal, per age group.

It's more complicated than that, she went into the particular kinds of activities that lead to this, per developmental stage, and noticed the different stages that children go through, as they get to this place, and how to lead them through those stages.

But in any case, its striking how well connected her understanding is with the most cutting edge discoveries of how we learn best and how we behave when we are in a state of "just right" difficulty. I suppose this is more on the side of Ericsson, the development of mastery, in terms of growing, but the part that is pleasurable is the feeling of growth and discovery. Of, "I couldn't do that, but I kept working at it, and now I can!" There is also the idea of flow, but that seems to be more specialized. That is when someone is already in a state of high skill, and putting those skills to the test, being challenged, but able to overcome those challenges. The fruits of the prior experiences of pushing oneself outside of the known and comfortable, and thus growing.

So many of us have stopped growing. It is the true disease that must be fought with age: complacency and decay. Reading a new book on something may be interesting, but if the ideas are not put into practice, we have not actually grown. Just acquired a bit more information. It is very easy to get to a state of good enough in your life, and then just coast. There's nothing saying you are deeply inferior, so there is no immediate discomfort pushing you on to further growth, and so you, I, we, stagnate. Perhaps that is good enough. For most things at least. We don't care enough about everything to become masters of it all. But there are probably some things that we love and would enjoy continuing to grow in. Dreams we have. Ways we'd like to contribute. Hobbies we'd like to get better at. Spiritual pursuits.

Ericsson makes it clear that we are not cursed to mediocracy. The choice is ours. What we need is the knowledge that gives us the choice, and the decision to put that knowledge to use, which is a sacrifice of comfort, because to grow is to be working outside your comfort zone, it is to work hard, and with focus, awareness, and humility. It is to work in ways that are effective, rather than comfortable or natural. Some people have learned how to work this way naturally. But all of us can learn how to work this way, and thus reap the rewards. Continued growth. The experience of flow.

Children want this. To feel competent. Humans want this. The sense of getting better at something we're working on. Achieving our goals. Being able to create or perform at high levels. A sense of some control over your life, over the outcomes. The confidence that you can achieve what you set out to do. The idea of it is intoxicating, the promise of it alluring. The reality slow and challenging and mundane to the point that many start the journey and turn back. However, some turn back because they think they are not making progress, can't make progress. And that reason at least no longer needs to daunt us. We can know that if we are practicing in x way, we will be getting better. It doesn't make it easy or fast, but it is real.