Birthday Blog Post

There is so much I want to say and have wanted to say, during this last week. Wanted to write. Much has been forgotten. It's been surprisingly busy.

I've got so many exciting things cooking: I'm doing a speed reading course, so I can end up reading 2-4 times faster than previously, (with full comprehension, not skimming). I'm working out a schedule I can follow that will keep me accountable-time wise and help me stay on task. I'm polishing up my capture and process system, baking it into that routine, I'm working on adding a missing element to my previous time management system, time blocking (or timeboxing, it has different names, it's also related to the pomodoro method.) I'm also learning studying and memorizing techniques, to make my studys for the AMI (montessori) exams go more efficiently and effectively.

I'm getting back into spending a few moments outside during the sunrise, something I'd forgotten how much I missed. I think the most beautiful time of day is right around day-break, and it's a shame to miss these daily works of art. They inspire and uplift me, and are a good setting to pray and reflect. (As long as the bugs don't get to me...)

I'm integrating and updating how I'll do my habit tracking, to make sure these habits have the best chance of happening, and I'm thinking about how to adjust to Suzannah's routine as well, so I can keep the ease of having a fixed routine but be flexible to run when she's ready to. (and also how to keep the pattern of my routine when my day is a bit different than usual, from my own side.)

I'm doing daily check-in's with my vision, reminding myself why I do what I do, and periodically reflecting my my shorter-term goals, keeping those targets and the inspiration that comes from them in my mind as well.

It's not all mechanical though, reminding myself of the deepest motivations in my life and why those things motivate me fills me with gratitude and awe, reminds me of the greatness within me (and within everyone, and everything) and uplifts me.

During the day, I have so much enthusiasm for what I'm doing I'll work straight through from finishing my morning routine till 5 or 6 pm. It feels so good to have the time and ability to do this. I feel like a lot of useful systems require a large time and energy input to get started, and I'm so excited to finally have that time and energy, after years of not having a moment to breath. I've missed it.

I have time, and what greater gift is there than that? It's something you never get more of, it only runs out. And as people die or almost die around me, it becomes even clearer how precious that is. The moments I have outside in the morning, listening to the cool clean breeze making a sussarus through the leaves, watching the golden tips of the trees catching the morning sun while the low clouds all around glow golden and reflect that gold onto everything. The time spent cuddling Suzannah in the morning, marveling at my fortune.

I don't like saying "I'm so lucky" because that sound random. Like I just rolled the dice and happened to get all these good things. That explanation is harmful to everyone who looks at it, because it says this is just dumb luck, you get it or you don't, the end. Most everything that is good in my life came from intelligent, persistent, patient work. I decided what I wanted, I researched how to get it, and I started taking the steps to get their. Often there wasn't a clear path, but I did the best I could with the info I had and adjusted along the way as I learned from experience, from what worked and what didn't.

There are certainly things that are unearned, that do just come through... what to call it... luck, destiny, fate, karma... not your direct actions. I happen to believe in reincarnation and multiple lives as an explanation for that, but it's mostly irrelevant. The important point of all that is that you have a sense of control: your actions dictate your future. And even more important than that, your thinking dictates your experience. I think it was Marcus Aurelius who said (translated obviously) "there's nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so." I've trained myself to be happy, grateful, to let go of grudges and bitterness and anger, to look for the good that could come from anything, even things that initially seemed bad. I've trained myself to speak kindly to myself, to be compassionate and gentle with my mistakes and foibles. To have a growth mindset, to persist even when things are hard or seem hopeless. I searched for teachers who could help me with all these problems I had, I humbly tried out their suggestions, when they seemed promising, kept trying them for a while, to give them a good shake, and kept those that worked.

I certainly do not do this all the time, every time. It's a continuing journey of remembering to do it sooner, and more often. But the importaint thing is life has been steadily shifting from, say, 90% bad and 10% good, to 50-50 (which felt like a huge tipping point, when I realized that my experience of life was in general ok.) to now, maybe... 80% good? More?

I trained myself on how to learn and pick up new habits, to be disciplined. I trained myself in how to make grace and good fortune more likely. I trained myself into happiness. I was not always happy like this. I would describe my childhood, at least from... maybe 7-10 onwards, as deeply cynical, depressed, and self-critical. It sucked. I'd cry every birthday, because I'd reflect on my life and become deeply depressed at how bad I was living my life. So no, I was not just born with a genetic predisposition to happiness. That is a thing, yes, but also, you have a huge say in these things via your repeated actions and thoughts.

When you are depressed, it is really hard to motivate yourself to any kind of action, but I tried, floundered, reached out for any help from any corner I could get. A good therapist ended up being really helpful. If I had an inherent advantage, looking back, it was humility. I was not too proud to seek out help, to try anything, even if it seemed embarrassing. My pride did not get in the way of me seeking solutions, being open to help from all quarters. Perhaps this was just a side effect of my low self esteem: I had no faith that I knew what I was doing or that I could do this by myself, so I was willing to lean on whoever was nearby that might be able to help me out. (Mostly that was books at first.)

It took a long time to dig my way out of that hole. I had no idea if I'd ever get out. And as I said, being depressed makes it hard to muster much energy for anything. As does self-criticism and. But even with all that, I kept trudging along, and after far too long, I finally pulled myself out of the hole.

And then found there was so much further I could go. There were mountains to climb. Mountains on top of mountains.

So now, I look back and my main regret is just how long it took me to get here. I am kind of sad at how old I am already, before I've actually started to live.

And so, deep within me is a burning imperative: Bring this to others. Bring this to others like me, when I was young. Save them the years of trying. Save them from having to start life when a third of it is already over. The things that took me so long were often a matter of not having a good approach, or not having a teacher to guide me who knew what to do. When I finally did get some good guides, things accelerated and deepend more than they could have on my own. If I could curate, if I could provide feedback and supports, how much faster could I have made my journey?

I went the long way, hopefully so I could teach people how to go the short way. I love learning about the world and sharing it, that is a lot of fun, but the real fire within me, is teaching these deeper lessons. The process of doing that is where I'm at right now. Practicing, refining the tools, learning how to teach them. I'm also learning how to do the academic stuff, and I want to learn that well, but it's not what burns within me. I'm interested in giving the best of what I've learned to everybody regardless of age, (what's the saying, the best time to start was ten years ago, the second best time to start is now), but I suppose it's nice that I got led to teaching young kids, as that's where this can have the greatest payoff.

In any case, I'm thrilled with what I'm doing these days, it feels great. I was reflecting, as my birthday approached, on how I felt like I was doing an ok job of things, but not a great job of it. Currently that is changing. I'm revving up and planning for the tools and structures that will allow me to do the work and have the focus that will feel like I'm doing a good job at life.

There's a book, I didn't particularly like it, not bad, but didn't stick out in my mind, except for the title, and general idea. It was called "Die Empty"
I like that. Die feeling like you've given everything you had to give. Maybe something zen as well about emptiness. But not used-up empty. Empty like you feel after a hard workout, where you've pushed yourself has hard as you can, in a healthy way, and your limbs feel like cooked noodles. Nothing is broken or bent, but you feel like you've earned the rest you're now taking.

The interesting thing is, in life, when you're doing that, giving that, you don't seem to wind up empty, you just get more and more energy back. Doing what feels right, serving others, acts like a multiplier for energy, and then really your limiting factor is time. The only way you can improve is to deepen the focus you give, in the alloted time, and choose what you are doing wisely, using the time for it's best purpose.

Which is not meant to sound workaholic, sometimes the best purpose is a quiet moment of reflection and gratitude on the beauty of the sunrise.

I'll stop there, because I've got something else coming up in a moment, and I still have another blog to write, for this weekend, so I should save some stuff for that.

Happy Birthday, (to me) and to you, dear friends. It may not be your birthday but I hope you're able to take some of the Happy and share it, in lieu of a birthday cake.

With Love,
-Isaac