No time for a snappy title (again)

 Only five minutes for this post, if I want it done by the end of lunch. Was taking care of a little bit of other business. Often the 20 or so minutes of lunch break I have after I’m done eating are my main time to do computer work, check email, etc.

I’ve been thinking about how I can make the best use of my remaining time here. Every Sunday night blues session reminds me why I’m planning on stopping at the end of this year. But the present moment is the only moment I ever have, and so I’m trying to make the best use of it that I can. I don’t want to be phoning it in, ever. So I’ve been thinking about that question. What would be the best use of my remaining time here. What should I be focusing on? In terms of learning, and in terms of practice. In general, I’m just continuing to try and do the best job I can, which involves analyzing where my weakest points are that would help the most, if they were improved, and then working on that. I think I have amazingly gotten to the point where that is not straight-up classroom management, but is now more about giving the kids enough high quality work to be doing, and making sure they are doing it. This is a next level realization for me, though as far as being a teacher goes it’s still basement-level basic: how peaceful and happy your classroom is, how good your ‘classroom management’ is, depends not only on having repercussions and consistency and high expectation etc., but also on the kids having enough engaging work to do, that they’re not bored (or, on the flip side, overwhelmed with tasks that are too difficult for them without the necessary support.)

OK, time to go. Hope you are all staying safe and well.

-I Out

Diderot, Identity, Online shopping

I read a blog post on the Diderot effect and online shopping. It was about how online shopping is way on the rise, due to the pandemic creating novel life changes for people, and the specifics of the Diderot effect.

The first point that struck me was that when our life changes in some big way, like a move, marriage, a baby, a new job, etc., advertisers know that person is more likely to start buying new things. Some of that seems obvious: new house, probably need some new furniture etc. But I think some of that is identity. We’ve got a bit of a new identity and we want to acquire things that reinforce that identity.

Here’s where we get into the Diderot effect. Diderot was… I don’t even know, some dude back a couple hundred years, a painter or writer or something. He go a really nice coat. And it ruined him financially, because he felt like all his other clothes and housing and etc. were too shabby, and kept buying more things, to fit with the coat. Going way behind his means.

We humans have that tendency. I suspect it ties in with wanting our identity to be self-congruent or concordant. We have this nice item that fits an identity we want to have, so when we see other stuff that doesn’t fit that identity, we want to change it. And one of the easiest, quickest ways to do that, is via acquiring objects, or switching out objects, around us.

I think a lot of us fall into this trap. Much of the advertising business is set up around it. Tell me if this is a little familiar: you want to be a painter, or artist, so you get some nice art supplies. You want to be spiritual, so you buy some nice robes or crystals or prayer beads or something. You want to be ripped so you buy workout equipment. Rarely do these items end up getting much use, because we want the items to make us use them, practice with them, get good with them. But that’s not how it actually works, sadly. At least not in the vast majority of cases.

The solution suggested was to make use of the same powerful sources—Identity— that drives us to these unwise purchases, to fight the shopping addiction. Try cultivating the identity of a zen minimalist, who is happy with simplicity. Or a MacGyver, who solves his/her problems with whatever materials are at hand. Then your identity satisfaction becomes wrapped up in not buying the extra things. In being thrifty and simple and good for the environment.

It seems like a promising idea. I’d say online shopping is the last obvious big bad habit I have (I’m sure there are more subtle things going on that I’ll have to deal with later) so the idea of getting a handle on it and changing it is exciting. Though not as exciting as some of the even bigger habits addictions I’ve already made huge progress on.

In regards to that, I feel like perhaps when this job ends I’ll finally be ready to handle not having a structured job to go to in the morning, but still being productive. In no small part due to mostly getting over all these addictions/bad habits that rush in to fill the time. I think I can not allow them to fill the time, and rather, wait for the vacuum to pull me into some really meaningful work.

Though I still plan on ending up with some kind of part time job, even as I’m exploring jobs. It just feels healthier. I may be able to be productive without any job, but no reason to play hard mode when having part time work makes staying focused and productive and happy easier. Perhaps I’ll change my mind as I get a better idea of things I want to do, and switch to pursuing them more than part time, or perhaps I’ll need to not have a part time job, to give some job experiments a try.

In any case, I’m now trying not to keep circling around “what do I do next.” And get back to “how can I make the most out of what I’m doing now?”

You only ever have right now, and even if it’s not my dream job, I have faith that it’s exactly where I need to be, and if it’s not fun, then it’s a lesson for me to learn. As much as I can, I should be able to enjoy and be authentic in whatever I happen to be doing. I think that’s part of the lesson for right now.

OK; take care, hope you are staying safe and healthy, and with love,

-Isaac

Covid and less of fear of failure

 Let's see, it's been two weeks, so I'm a bit behind. A lot has happened. I'll start with the news and then the second post will be the musings.

So, I've got Covid. So many more people are getting it this time around, thank God Omicron didn't happen till after we got vaccines ready. And that it's a less intense variant, rather than a more intense one like Delta.

Got it some time two weeks ago, maybe Wednesday or Thursday. But tested negative. Then by Sunday I realized it was a full fledged sickness. Sunday night I had a full on fever and was shivering so hard I thought I'd crack a tooth. I sweat the bed and then from last Monday onwards I've been slowly on the mend. Serious brain fog and fatigue. Mostly better at this point, just a moderate amount of brain fog and fatigue and sore throat and sniffles, which is good because I'm going back to work tomorrow (this Monday). Seems a little crazy to go back early, but apparently that's the CDC recommendation. As the obliquely say on the website, basically it's not totally safe but a 5 day return time is necessary to keep businesses functioning. You only stay out the full 10 days if you're in some kind of healthcare role, I guess where you could infect someone more seriously. 

They say that it's less likely that you'll infect someone later on in the cycle of infection, but obviously it's not zero, or it would be the same for healthcare as everywhere else. Basically they're saying, yeah, some people are going to get infected, we have to weigh that against the amount of economic disruption being out of work will cause.

Makes sense I suppose. I'd like to rest another two or three days, but I think they need me back at work. Probably means it will take more like a week for me to finish getting better because I'm not going to be getting much rest, rather I'll be tiring myself out, as the job does, but them's the breaks. I don't want to let my work makes down. One teacher being out adds stress to other people's plate. It's really stark in a profession like teaching young children, where you really need warm bodies, just to watch over the kids, even if nothing else. It's not like a work project where you can just push back the deadline or do stuff from home.

So, we'll see how tomorrow is.

I feel a bit better about work in general these days though. I've kind of given up on having to be perfect or make this job work, and instead I get to be my personal best, and do what I'm passionate about. Well, some of the time. I still need to fulfil all my duties. But I'm spending a bit more time doing stuff with character and human values and such, the stuff that really fires me up, and I'm also trying more things, being more willing to experiment and fail. That was always one of my big problems, trying to do things 'right' and feeling uptight and unnatural. Rather than doing what felt right. I think I said this before, but if ever there was a chance that I'd change my mind and stick with this job, this approach is much more likely to find that out. So, win-win. I think everybody benefits from me having less fear and being more true to myself.

OK, I'm almost out of time, but at least I've caught up from last week. I may not have time to do this weeks post tonight though, since it's almost 7:30 and my computer kicks me off chrome at that time. Oh, beautiful freedom, how sweet you taste.

Isaac, sighing out.

Lessons Learned

 Alright. Tuesday, 20 minutes to write. It is probably a sign that I’m making a good choice, that I am almost euphoric at the thought that I will be done with this leg of my journey come summer. I am doing my best to live in the moment and give everything I’ve got at my job, but whenever I pause to consider my future, it makes me feel lighter and happier. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve known I was trudging along since the beginning. I’ve learned several useful skills, but behind the specific skills, I’ve learned that I do indeed enjoy working with kids, in some ways. And I do like teaching. I’ve also learned some things about a traditional teaching job that I do not like.

I’ve also learned that I absolutely have what it takes to tough it out, if necessary. I am not a weakling by any stretch. On the other hand, I’ve learned that I should trust myself a lot more, when it comes to my feelings about different kinds of work. Having pursued something intensely despite strong resistance for… 4, 5 years, up to the best possible scenario for success in that field (classroom teaching) via an outstanding mentor, and still not feeling good about it, I’ve come to a similar conclusion that I came to with dating. I can trust myself and my feelings, in regards to different kinds of work and jobs. And that clarity doesn’t take years. I’m still not sure how quickly it can be done. 6 months? 3 months? 2 weeks? A few days?

So I will soon be working on a much accelerated process, also made wiser by my past experiences, that help me zero in on what kind of work is a good fit for me. My hypothesis is that actual experience is key. I cannot accurately predict things through mental models alone. My ideas of what I’d love to do are a good place to start, but that’s all. You don’t know how you’ll get along with someone till you’re actually spending time with them.

In the mean time, I have some urgent matters to take care of, before the job ends. (Of course, it is always possible I change my mind by the end of the year, but it doesn’t seem very likely.) Number one, I need to make my wish list now. All the things I wish I had time for. Now is the time to write them down. In a similar vein, I want to write some journal entries to myself, for when I suddenly have lots of free time, on the preciousness of time. Being so extremely pressed for time and energy has the benefit of making me value my time as a precious commodity. That doesn’t actually change when I suddenly have more of it, but it becomes much easier to… take it for granted. Like taking anything for granted, it’s a bad idea, and leads to waste and regret. So I want to write some reminders to myself, while I’m in the midst of being time-squeezed, to be able to bring me back to that deep gratitude for time, and the sense of urgency that allows me to use my time well and respectfully.

I also need to be keeping an inventory of the elements of the job that I do actually really like, and those that I really don’t like, to help narrow my choices down, for whatever experiments I’m going to try next.

At the very least, I can look back at all these years as some intense mental toughness training. Pushing into  and through discomfort for months and years, without giving up, keeping myself in reasonable spirits despite the pressure and stress of doing things every day that I was bad at and stressed me out and called upon me to be working with many of my bigger weaknesses rather than my strengths. That must have built confidence, persistence, and durable optimism, over the years.

OK, time to go!

-I Out

A big conversation

 OK, I think with this post I’m back to caught up. There’s a lot of ground to cover though, and not a lot of time before lunch is over.

As soon as I got a chance to reflect over vacation, I had come to a similar conclusion as I had last year, maybe around this time: this job, in some ways, felt like a previous relationship I had been in, where I was trying to make it work, and it wasn’t working, it was just draining my life force and feeling awful, and it wasn’t going to change, and more than I could insist on the other person changing.

I tried to parse that understanding a bit, because it wasn’t a direct translation. There were some elements of the job that I did enjoy. And I was, I am, getting significantly better at it. I can see the progress, particularly this year, under the mentorship of the teacher whom I moved here to learn from. It was everything I’d hoped for from that mentorship. Except.

Except, I just didn’t like large parts of the job. Being the leader of a large group of people, having to work in extreme time constraints, for planning or anything that wasn’t active child monitoring duty. Multi-tasking if I wanted to get anything done. Constantly being ‘on’ for discipline. The long hours of this constant-on, many-people monitoring. And the strategic intricate detailed monitoring and planning. I’m not even doing much of the parent communication and none of the fire-putting out, but anything involving email or text style communication for anything more than basic functionality is a weakness, if quick responses are what is required.

There is both more and less, because I didn’t, don’t, really have a clear view of what the things are that I really don’t like doing. perhaps I should use some of my energy to get clearer on that. Especially if I want to try and find or create work that fits me better.

(Need to stop and get back to work now)

Well, that was one lunch, and I used much of this lunch for more work, so I only have a few minutes to add, and I don’t want to go over, because it’s Friday now and I want to be done so I’m back on track for next week.

So I’m still not 100% clear on what it is that feels so draining and not good. But I am clear that it feels that way. It has been a long slog. And I’m coming to believe that it’s never going to flip around. It may steadily, slowly change, but that means years of this slog, very slowly turning into something better. Meanwhile I’m exhausted stressed and living from vacation to vacation. That sounds pretty bad.

So I had a conversation with my boss and mentor. She was as gracious as I could possibly hope for. More so really. I think one of my strengths is being a good judge of character, and this was just one more moment that confirmed she is pretty awesome. She didn’t react negatively, or judge, or try and push or manipulate me. It was a master class in listening and not trying to force or manipulate. Super supportive and respectful and understanding. But she also said she never gives up on a teacher, so she would keep training me as long as I stayed. I’m staying at least till the end of the year. We’ll see what happens after that. But what I found was, that response took me from being sure I wasn’t coming back, to open to the possibility. It doesn’t seem likely, but if it is possible, this is the way to get there.

And just having the conversation has allowed me to relax a bit, and I think, be a better teacher and better learner, more willing to play and experiment and take risks.

Gotta go!

-I out

Vacation blog 2 January 2022

 This is a bit past my vacation, but I still haven’t written one for that last week, so I’ll count this one. My spouse asked me why I don’t just skip a week, or write one long post. I think it partially has to do with habit maintenance, partly it’s an enjoyable ritual, partly it’s fun to pretend I have a ‘streak’ that I’m continuing, even if just in the loosest sense. 

Perhaps most important to me though is identity. Identity is a core part of habit formation and behavior in general that often gets neglected, because it is nuanced and hard to talk about. I suspect it is also less well understood scientifically. But I definitely get the sense from the literature that it is one of, if not the most, important drivers of action, and thus has the potential to be one of the most powerful drivers of good behavior, if used well. I like the identity of ‘writer.’ It feels good to have. Even though my attention has been monolithically focused on my teaching, I liked to at least have one pinky holding my place in that identity, for when I eventually do have more time.

I think I already talked about being sick for most of my trip to Fairfield. I took a test and it wasn’t Covid, so I’m not sure what it was. The wife thinks it was just my body collapsing from exhaustion because I’d been pushing it so hard for so long. That seems like a reasonable hypothesis. Or at least part of what was going on.

When I got home, I managed to have some fun, and do some enjoyable work. Got my office looking clean again, though we’ll see how long that lasts. It seems like having a clean space is all about having a place for everything to do, but I have so many “process” items, things where I need to do something about them, rather than just put them back after I’m done with them. I need a bin for that, but then the important things get lost in the bin, since I’m so busy I don’t have time for most of them, so I need a second bin of important items, that I actually need to do, but even that gets over crowded, so I need a third, even smaller bin, for the things that are actually “up on deck” to do now, the most important and/or pressing. And maybe sub-categories by topic or… what does the Getting Things Done guy call them… “Contexts” just to spread them out into enough sensical buckets that I can get a sense of all the things in that category with a glance.

OK! I’m running out of lunch time, so I think this post is done. I have some interesting news and musings, hopefully I’ll remember to share them in my next post. I believe this is what you would call a “teaser” ;D

-I Out