Alright. Tuesday, 20 minutes to write. It is probably a sign that I’m making a good choice, that I am almost euphoric at the thought that I will be done with this leg of my journey come summer. I am doing my best to live in the moment and give everything I’ve got at my job, but whenever I pause to consider my future, it makes me feel lighter and happier. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve known I was trudging along since the beginning. I’ve learned several useful skills, but behind the specific skills, I’ve learned that I do indeed enjoy working with kids, in some ways. And I do like teaching. I’ve also learned some things about a traditional teaching job that I do not like.
I’ve also learned that I absolutely have what it takes to tough it out, if necessary. I am not a weakling by any stretch. On the other hand, I’ve learned that I should trust myself a lot more, when it comes to my feelings about different kinds of work. Having pursued something intensely despite strong resistance for… 4, 5 years, up to the best possible scenario for success in that field (classroom teaching) via an outstanding mentor, and still not feeling good about it, I’ve come to a similar conclusion that I came to with dating. I can trust myself and my feelings, in regards to different kinds of work and jobs. And that clarity doesn’t take years. I’m still not sure how quickly it can be done. 6 months? 3 months? 2 weeks? A few days?
So I will soon be working on a much accelerated process, also made wiser by my past experiences, that help me zero in on what kind of work is a good fit for me. My hypothesis is that actual experience is key. I cannot accurately predict things through mental models alone. My ideas of what I’d love to do are a good place to start, but that’s all. You don’t know how you’ll get along with someone till you’re actually spending time with them.
In the mean time, I have some urgent matters to take care of, before the job ends. (Of course, it is always possible I change my mind by the end of the year, but it doesn’t seem very likely.) Number one, I need to make my wish list now. All the things I wish I had time for. Now is the time to write them down. In a similar vein, I want to write some journal entries to myself, for when I suddenly have lots of free time, on the preciousness of time. Being so extremely pressed for time and energy has the benefit of making me value my time as a precious commodity. That doesn’t actually change when I suddenly have more of it, but it becomes much easier to… take it for granted. Like taking anything for granted, it’s a bad idea, and leads to waste and regret. So I want to write some reminders to myself, while I’m in the midst of being time-squeezed, to be able to bring me back to that deep gratitude for time, and the sense of urgency that allows me to use my time well and respectfully.
I also need to be keeping an inventory of the elements of the job that I do actually really like, and those that I really don’t like, to help narrow my choices down, for whatever experiments I’m going to try next.
At the very least, I can look back at all these years as some intense mental toughness training. Pushing into and through discomfort for months and years, without giving up, keeping myself in reasonable spirits despite the pressure and stress of doing things every day that I was bad at and stressed me out and called upon me to be working with many of my bigger weaknesses rather than my strengths. That must have built confidence, persistence, and durable optimism, over the years.
OK, time to go!
-I Out
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