A big conversation

 OK, I think with this post I’m back to caught up. There’s a lot of ground to cover though, and not a lot of time before lunch is over.

As soon as I got a chance to reflect over vacation, I had come to a similar conclusion as I had last year, maybe around this time: this job, in some ways, felt like a previous relationship I had been in, where I was trying to make it work, and it wasn’t working, it was just draining my life force and feeling awful, and it wasn’t going to change, and more than I could insist on the other person changing.

I tried to parse that understanding a bit, because it wasn’t a direct translation. There were some elements of the job that I did enjoy. And I was, I am, getting significantly better at it. I can see the progress, particularly this year, under the mentorship of the teacher whom I moved here to learn from. It was everything I’d hoped for from that mentorship. Except.

Except, I just didn’t like large parts of the job. Being the leader of a large group of people, having to work in extreme time constraints, for planning or anything that wasn’t active child monitoring duty. Multi-tasking if I wanted to get anything done. Constantly being ‘on’ for discipline. The long hours of this constant-on, many-people monitoring. And the strategic intricate detailed monitoring and planning. I’m not even doing much of the parent communication and none of the fire-putting out, but anything involving email or text style communication for anything more than basic functionality is a weakness, if quick responses are what is required.

There is both more and less, because I didn’t, don’t, really have a clear view of what the things are that I really don’t like doing. perhaps I should use some of my energy to get clearer on that. Especially if I want to try and find or create work that fits me better.

(Need to stop and get back to work now)

Well, that was one lunch, and I used much of this lunch for more work, so I only have a few minutes to add, and I don’t want to go over, because it’s Friday now and I want to be done so I’m back on track for next week.

So I’m still not 100% clear on what it is that feels so draining and not good. But I am clear that it feels that way. It has been a long slog. And I’m coming to believe that it’s never going to flip around. It may steadily, slowly change, but that means years of this slog, very slowly turning into something better. Meanwhile I’m exhausted stressed and living from vacation to vacation. That sounds pretty bad.

So I had a conversation with my boss and mentor. She was as gracious as I could possibly hope for. More so really. I think one of my strengths is being a good judge of character, and this was just one more moment that confirmed she is pretty awesome. She didn’t react negatively, or judge, or try and push or manipulate me. It was a master class in listening and not trying to force or manipulate. Super supportive and respectful and understanding. But she also said she never gives up on a teacher, so she would keep training me as long as I stayed. I’m staying at least till the end of the year. We’ll see what happens after that. But what I found was, that response took me from being sure I wasn’t coming back, to open to the possibility. It doesn’t seem likely, but if it is possible, this is the way to get there.

And just having the conversation has allowed me to relax a bit, and I think, be a better teacher and better learner, more willing to play and experiment and take risks.

Gotta go!

-I out