I want to think more about this new perspective on work, so perhaps you get another post this week. Or perhaps I’ll just save it for next week, though I’m writing it on Wednesday.
Previously, as I was struggling to get through the days, I was giving myself mini-goals: just get through the day, just get through to the weekend, etc. Currently, I don’t feel like doing that, which I think is a good thing. I’m not trying to “get through” the day now. I’m trying to make best use of the day.
I have a lot of baggage, as probably almost everybody does, around failure, or being bad at something. I get to experience that multiple times a day. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to belabor the point, but I’m not a good teacher. I’m not awful, but to be really good requires many years, and I’m not even a promising start. I’m lousy at a lot of things that many starting teachers are at least possible at. Or I was. I might be about neutral at this point on the worst of them, and some positive. But I wouldn’t want my kid in my class. They’d probably be decently happy, but they would have to be a self-starter to be getting a proper education. If they were a reluctant learner, they’d get left behind. They’re not getting left behind, in this case, because my mentor is in the classroom as well, making sure things stay up to snuff.
Anyhoo, that’s a digression. The point is, I am continually faced with my inadequacy. But that’s not actually a fundamental problem. It still falls into the category of “nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so.” I don’t have to believe there’s anything wrong with my poor performance. It could just be a goal that I’m working towards, something I’m working on learning. However, it’s hard to take that unattached attitude. But, I get numerous chances per day. Lucky me.
As I currently see it, this experience is giving me the opportunity to face repeatedly a list of issues of mine, and practice non-attachment and acceptance and self inquiry on them.
- feeling bad about being bad at something or failing at it
- feeling bad about being tired or just generally feeling burnt out or worn out
- feeling bad about not having enough time, and poorly using the time I have (because I’m feeling tired)
OK, it’s Monday next week, so I guess this will be this weeks post. Great! Already mostly written. My thoughts on it haven’t changed. While some of the newness of the approach have worn off, there is definitely a greater… I guess you could call it ‘comfort with the discomfort.’ Of my work. The fact that I have a clear purpose behind every day makes me feel better about my days and my time. I’m not just waiting out the months. I’m utilizing a valuable opportunity to grow.
Nobody likes doing things that are uncomfortable. Actually, maybe there are some people who have figured out how to like that. Good on them. But very few. It is hard to make ourselves do uncomfortable things. But having a classroom full of kids and fellow workmates relying on me is sufficient motivation to get me up and doing my best in an uncomfortable situation. After this job, I don’t see much likelihood of me being in another long-term situation that is this uncomfortable in fundamental ways. I’m going to be more selective or at least, require shorter commitment periods, for my trials. So I may not get many opportunities to be this uncomfortable, or be pressed up against my lack of good fit for so much of the day, day after day. So this is a valuable opportunity.
I get to become really comfortable doing things I’m not good at, not having enough time or expertise to solve things well, or have a good amount of time/energy to give to things outside of work. And that is all ok. Why not? It is the thinking about a situation that makes it ‘bad.’
I think what may have prevented me from understanding this was when I realized this job was probably fundamentally not a good fit for me. Some people are meant to be gregarious and work with groups and lots of people most of the time, and that gives them energy. Some people get energy from quiet introspective time. Trying to give jobs that don’t fit those dispositions is a recipe for discontent and burnout. There are several elements like that in my current job. And any past classroom teacher jobs. This job is certainly the best most supportive I’ve had yet or could hope for. Part of my certainty that it’s not fundamentally a good fit is because of that. If it could every work, it would be here. But again, that is only a problem if I think it’s a problem. I may start steering myself away from such jobs, but these’s nothing wrong with being in one. It’s just uncomfortable and tiring. It’s ok to be those things. I wouldn’t intentionally sign up for it in most cases, but it’s fine.
So that’s my current approach. Face the challenges with courage and acceptance and learn from them. And understand that some of what I’m learning is not specifically about how to be a good teacher, it’s about how to be a courageous human being who has faith in the universe/God. It’s about how to do my best even when I’m not feeling my best. And it’s about accepting myself as I am.
And, as I get more comfortable with all of that, there begins to open up a little more room for experimentation and focusing on how to get better at my job as well, because I’m not feeling as discordant and despondent. I was just listening to a book summary of something a navy seal wrote on leadership and achievement, and there are some parallels with what I’m doing, which is also hard, and uncertain, and tiring, but requires intense motivation and action.
OK, definitely done for the day/week. Gotta get back to the other things on my plate.
Take care,
-Isaac
No comments:
Post a Comment