Tuesday is the Monday of this week, because I had a three day weekend (thank you presidents). As I mentioned, I’m trying to live in the moment and get the most out of my remaining time here at my job. Whenever the going gets tough though, it becomes increasingly hard not to think desperately about the summer. Whenever I have a long weekend or vacation, the time right before coming back is that much more unpleasant, as I’ve had a greater taste of freedom.
I continue to use my analogy of relationships here. Back before I had a girlfriend, I convinced myself that having one wouldn’t make a difference, wouldn’t make me happy, so I mine as well learn how to be happy right now, without one. That turned out to be both true and false. Having a girlfriend did assuage some of my lonely-ness, and much of my need for physical affection. (I still think it’s kind of sad how an adult male has so few outlets for physical affection aside from a romantic partner. Sometimes you just want to be groomed like a happy primate in its tribe.)
However, being part of an unhealthy romantic relationship was destructive to my overall happiness and productivity, and the rest of my friendships. On the other hand, when I finally found/co-created a healthy relationship, life was clearly and objectively better along pretty much every measure, or at least not worse.
This long digression is to illustrate what I’m going through now: there is a definite “grass is greener” mentality, that once I’m out of this job, I’ll finally be able to relax and play and be happy and have energy and time for all the things I want to do. There is another part saying that’s a fallacy, and if I’m not happy now, I’ll carry that into whatever circumstances. And I think the actually correct answer is probably something like with relationships. Some changes will improve some things, and worsen others, but once I find work that really clicks, it will make everything objectively better.
In the meantime, I might as well work on what I’ve got. My Sunday night blues recently gave me another chance to reflect on my issues around time: the nagging feeling of not getting enough done with the day, and my self-fulfilling prophecy of doom when I sleep in.
It’s kind of a no-win situation: I’m exhausted by the weekend, so I need to catch-up on rest. But when I sleep in, I feel like I’ve already wasted much of my most productive hours of potential work.
About 3.5 months to go. Really not that long. Really.
-I out
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