So, here I am with an abundance of time (18 minutes) at the end of lunch, to write a blog post. Perhaps I’ll try and write less, but more thoughtfully. Perhaps I’ll try to be a bit more cheery. I’ll tell you what gives me cheer: 3 months. Three months and change to go. I’ve already talked with my mentor about how I’m thinking of leaving, but I think they still have hope that I’ll change my mind. I suppose miracles are possible. But it doesn’t seem likely.
I could imagine myself staying here if I was offered part-time work. Where I only had to come in the mornings or afternoons or something. That’s probably what I’ll do until I figure out something better, when I’m back in Fairfield. Once I’m done taking a nice long well deserved break and honeymoon. But my wife sorely misses Fairfield, and that is a large factor in my considerations. If this job really turned out to be my dream job, then it would be worth the move away from our friends and community, but as it has turned out to be more lesson on perseverance and doing hard and uncomfortable things, it seems unreasonable to keep Suzannah here for that. I can get that anywhere.
I’m getting excellent experience as a classroom teacher, but, I don’t like being a classroom teacher. Hopefully the experience will transfer to whatever I end up doing. It will certainly transfer to being a dad at least. But again, moving away from friends and for Suzannah, from family and a deeply rooted community, for something like that, experience that I hope will transfer to whatever I actually want to do (whenever I figure that out)… the scales don’t balance.
So I continue my lessons in patience, perseverance, non-attachment to success or having time or being well rested. And to working on several areas that I’m both weak and uncomfortable in, and working on doing that with grace and peace. As I’ve said before, even if I’m not having a good time, I can always find gratitude for the opportunity to learn valuable lessons.
My mentor asked me why I always had the Sunday night blues, and I didn’t have an answer, but recently I reflected back and I think the answer is quite simple. It is the natural response of realizing I’m about to go back to a job I don’t want to be doing. She recently mentioned something about thinking about your job as service, rather than a job. I think she was trying to help me find a way to enjoy the job more, but I’ve always thought of this job as service. I’m not doing it for the pay, I’m not doing it because it’s a job where I can coast. I’m doing it because I want to be of service. That’s still not enough to make it something I look forward to.
I do look forward to helping children, teaching them valuable life lessons, helping them grow into the best versions of themselves, and sharing my excitement about learning with them. I really do not look forward to the endless classroom management, behavioral management, micromanaging, constantly having to be “on” and scanning the room and pushing the kids who are just goofing off to keep working. I don’t really like the in depth tracking of so many variables required, and I really do not like the constant multitasking necessary to plan things and run a classroom and teach and etc. All the little moving pieces I need to keep in my head, all the things I need to do quickly while also having two other things going on at the same time. I don’t like how little time I have to think and plan without having to multitask and keep an eye on the the classroom. I don’t like how little time and energy I have period.
OK, that’s it, gotta go!
By for now,
-Isaac
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