Reframing, Service, Unknown Causes

 I’ve been unusually tip-able in the last two days. Easier to get irritated or flustered or down. Not really sure why. 

I’m looking forward to my spring break week coming up super soon, (yay!) but I’m much much more excited about my summer break that has no established end point. I can’t see any possibility of continuing on with the current job in the current configuration. It’s slowly killing me, like a plant that’s not getting enough sun. I might theoretically consider staying on if I was offered to work half time and keep my long vacations, but I know Suzannah really misses her friends and family back in Iowa. And I don’t know if that’s even a possibility and don’t plan on asking. I don’t want to insult my boss by making unreasonable requests, especially if even with them fulfilled I don’t know if I’d stay.

Ultimately, after a good long real break and honeymoon, I want to get back to at least part-time work, but I’m still gonna be on a mission to find work that feels right. Being a classic teacher, at least full time, doesn’t feel right. And I’m not sure part time will be better qualitatively, it may just be quantitatively better, less of a bad thing, so to speak. I don’t want to talk ill of the children, I love the kids. But what I’m asked to do, day to day, really doesn’t seem like a good fit. I’m not sure whether a small tweak will do, or if it needs to be big/drastic. So I’m going to have to do some experimenting.

I’m trying really hard to stay present in the moment day to day, but there is a tremendous pull from the huge, deep longing I have to finally be free of this whole 5 year adventure. It’s interesting to note, that it was bearable, despite the unpleasantness, because there was purpose and hope in my striving. Now that I no longer hold out hope for this kind of work becoming work I love and am good at, I have no protection from the unpleasantness. It just feels like months of my life I’m wasting, doing something I know I don’t want to do long term

Currently I’m trying to reframe it as service: I’m doing a service to the children and the school, at a time where teachers are hard to find. As such, I must give it my best, every day. There are people relying on me, people I’m trying to help, even if the way I’m helping isn’t necessarily with the skills I’m most comfortable with. That way there is still a strong purpose in what I’m doing, something to push me forward and keep me focused. “How can I best be of service?” Is the question directing me.

Anyhoo, that’s my current experiment for trying to deal gracefully with my current situation. I kind of want to journal and explore what exactly it is that makes Sunday nights so unpleasant, and why I so strongly don’t want to continue with this work. I think I’ll save that for my journal, until I’m a bit clearer on it. Though one thing I’m super clear on is I really dislike having so little time to myself. I feel chronically behind, and don’t you dare say that’s just my issue. It may be my issue but it is ALSO the fact that I genuinely have very little time to myself. That needs to change for me to be at my best and happiest. That one point is crystal clear.

OK, by for now, take care, be well,

-Isaac