- Newsletter: 90% done. (Waiting for pictures to add)
- Taxes: Unknown, but as done as I could get them currently, still waiting for some documents and some advice, but done from my side.
- EHV certification: no further progress currently
- General upkeep: my room and desk are still a mess, but I did vacuum. Doing so-so.
I apologize if my blog posts have been boring or depressing, these last few years. But I’d say it’s an accurate representation of my life. I’ve been struggling with many of the same things, mostly unhappily, in regards to my work. My relationship is wonderful, but there isn’t much time or energy to do anything that interesting or adventurous. I’m constantly grateful for it, and I’d be doing a lot worse without it, but overall I’m still not happy with my life, since most of it is spent doing a job that exhausts me and I feel bad at and fundamentally incompatible with. There are several elements of the job that I really care about though, which kept me going when it was rough, and even now when I don’t see any hope of my experience fundamentally changing, keeps me here through the end of the year.
I love the kids. I love my mentor. I love teaching, especially stuff that falls under the ‘life skills’ or ‘spirituality’ category. Hopefully I’ll be able to do something that involves those things afterwards, but doesn’t involve much of the things that really bring me down, like discipline, classroom management, multi-tasking, and… not sure what to call it… I just notice that good teachers are consistently moving all their kids forwards on all the different important subjects at a good pace, and I don’t feel like I do that very well. A mixture of organization, time-efficiency, curriculum savvy, motivation/accountability, discipline, and maybe some other stuff as well. Probably part of why I don’t do it well is I don’t fully understand what’s necessary to do it well.
Anyhoo. Report on my technique from last week, of focusing on one week at a time: mixed results, but I will continue, with a tweak. First, I didn’t have time last time to mention the source of the idea, which was basically the mental toughness training of Navy SEALs and other such programs, especially during their ‘hell week(s).’ They all have an initial period of extreme intensity, which is kind of designed to weed out those that don’t have the commitment necessary. What many of them say who make it through is that you need to set your goals small enough that it seems manageable. ‘Let me just get through the next day/hour/ten minutes/pushup.’ However small you need to make it to seem possible.
There is a catch though, that I came up against. Along with that idea, I also was imagining “what if this was my last week here?” That thought gave me a sense of freedom and relaxation, along with a willingness to focus and go hard. It worked until I got to the end of the week, and it wasn’t actually the last week. Then it felt far worse. It makes me think of the Stockdale paradox, named for a… sergeant? General? I don’t remember exactly, but Stockdale and a bunch of other U.S. solders were in a prison camp, far from home. Stockdale ended up being something of a leader to the rest of the men, and what he observed was, the ones who survived till the end, had faith that they would make it, but also believed it would be hard and take a while. Those who didn’t have any faith that they’d make it, died. Those that had faith that they’d make it out soon, also died. At first they were enthusiastic, but once the day they had set in their mind as when they’d be free by came around, and they were still in the prison camp, they were crestfallen. After several of those disappointments, they died too. It was mainly those who had faith, but also reality (that it would likely be a long time before they got out) were able to sustain the motivation to keep themselves going, until they finally were released.
So I am continuing the ‘one week at a time’ goal, but removing the imagined thought that this will be the last week. My goal is just to get through this next week, with honor and grace. That is, doing my job to the best of my ability, and enjoying my life to the best of my ability (and learning as much as I can from my time here.) That seems best. I also reminded myself that everything is ether something to be enjoyed, or something to learn from. “What is this teaching me?” Is a fruitful question, in my current situation. I’d explain why and what I’m learning from it, but it’s time to go. Goodbye for this week,
-Isaac
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