Dictated, and then heavily edited. Time, filtering, reflection.

 Time is God project (filtering).

So now that I am done with my Finding my right work project, which had been ongoing for, man, how long? I'm 40, at least 20 years.

Even though I'm not fully done with it, I feel like I am on the right path. With counseling and the other stuff that I haven't started yet, it feels very doable and will fit right in with the being creative and writing type stuff.

I am really in the meat of my time thing, and feeling like I'm starting to get some movement and at least awareness of it. A lot of it feels like a mental thing. I guess that's what Sai Maa was saying, but a mental thing of being okay in the moment, being present, not grabbing or clenching too much.

Letting go of these beliefs that say I don't have enough time, or I'm not doing enough, or feeling like I need to earn my place by producing value. I'm just letting those go so that I can enjoy the current moment.

Because that trying to be more efficient, it's getting clearer to me experientially how that is a hamster wheel. And also noticing that the way I'm trying to get quicker at something is not very effective. It's like trying to compact water. You can't really compact it like you can with air.

So it's not really about chewing faster; it's about taking less bites, so to speak, and accepting that limitation. What did I have to do? Less things. Though there is another part of it that is about going faster and not thinking so much before in between things.

There's just a kind of momentum of, "okay, now we're doing this," and there's an underlying movement almost like being on a treadmill. I have to keep walking to keep up, which is both a little exhilarating and a little maybe anxiety-producing? Just that background buzz of pressure.

And I guess a lot of what I'm doing is I'm trying to find the synthesis, the top point of the triangle between the A and B. Let's see. It's above it, in it; contains the good elements from both A and B in a proper application that is a higher-order way of thinking and being in the world. Nice, you saw a triangle analogy, which remember has infinite triangles of progressive refinement, one on top of another.

I'm also noticing as I try and move more quickly and create efficient systems, that my mind is not naturally orderly like that. I think it's more of an artist's mind, kind of goes all over the place. That is great for creativity, but not for being super organized, and I think maybe I need to cut myself a break.

I work in a system that doesn't require me to be different than I am, but I don't know what that system would be or would look like. I enjoy order a lot, but I tend to make systems too complex, and then it becomes disorderly and/or too ungainly to maintain its order.

As I'm saying this, I'm looking at the door to my closet, preferred with rainbow sticky notes. I like that system. It was artistic, satisfying, and also kind of simple.

I like things to be simple, I like things to be pretty, I like things to be well done. I think that might mean Simplification, maybe doing less things. But I'm really not sure.

I'm not sure what a system design for how I work looks like. But that also works for me, what that means, what that looks like.

I might be in a place where I trust myself enough that I can find out, rather than trying to fit myself into other people's systems. One thing that is a certainty is that doing that, creating that, will take time. I think accepting that is part of the groundedness and reality necessary to make it actually happen.

As a final side note: I'm using a voice-to-text dictation software for this. So if it just said something weird somewhere, that's its fault. Probably. Though I do say some weird things sometimes.

I wonder if this would make a good blog post. Also, speaking of the AI voice-to-speech dictation, I am starting to play around with AI to see if it can help me save time on things that I don't care about doing myself, and/or it can do better and faster than I can. But that also requires some creating of systems.

[later note: hm, I wrote this april 16th, but it says it never got published? but in another spot it says it did get published? I'm gonna try publishing it again, apologies if it's a duplicate.]