Heaven

 I've got a week off. I've decided to spend a big portion of it cleaning, tidying, and getting rid of old stuff I don't want/need anymore. A good ol' fashioned spring cleaning. Along with clearing out the old gunk/junk phyisically, I'm also going through my overstuffed task list, taking care of all sorts of little tasks that have piled up because none of then are super time sensitive. but they just kind of have an almost phyisical weight to them, as they pile up. Like being buried alive, one grain of sand at a time.

In any case, it feels fantastic. I'm super productive. Well, maybe just decently productive. But that's enough to feel great. Often my breaks in the past would end up getting swallowed up by one rabbit hole or another, and a fair bit of it has been that, but also an unusually high proportion has been the stuff I've been wanting to get done. It is so so deeply rewarding and pleasant. To just have some spaciousness of time, to burrow into my task list and check of one thing after another. Sure, there are big projects that need to get done too, but it's like having a messy desk full of odds and ends, it just makes it more difficult to concentrate on the work at hand when it's so full of these other physical objects that keep chirping at me to complete the task/project they are tied too.  Many of the tasks are physical ones, I walk along, or am in the process of putting something away, and I see one of those things that needs to be put away, is attached to a task that needs to be completed, related to it. And... here's the magical part...I actually have the time to do that task, and resolve it, rather than just toss it in a box to deal with later. This is heaven, and it doesn't take that much to get there. Just a little spaciousness of time. I suppose I should remember that as I think about how I want my life to be: I really, really enjoy having time. There is a lot I am willing to forgo, to have that luxury. It doesn't have to be all the time, I like working as well, but every now and then, having a week off to really dig in and take care of all the little stuff, feels amazing.

Also, for whatever reason, I'm at a place where it is a lot easier to let go of things. Maybe it is that spaciousness of time letting me relax and not worry that I need x or y some day. Maybe it is generally relaxing more into the feeling that I am enough, and I don't need to do or accomplish some specific and ever out-of-reach amount of 'stuff' to justify my existence. Maybe it is my increasing trust in the force and benevolent intelligence that moves in and through us that I might call God. Maybe it is just that there is a lot of stuff that has simply sat in boxes for years, and I haven't thought about it or needed it at all. Whatever the case, it feels easier than in the past, to quickly decide something is not important anymore for me, and I can let it go.

I just did the bathroom closet, and a lot of that was made simpler by the fact that a lot of things were well past their expiration date.

I think a big part of it though, is that in the past, there was a lot of feeling of identity and worthiness tied up in my stuff. I had hopes that the right stuff would fix my problems, because I sure couldn't. Now I feel differently. It's still in process, but it's moving in good ways.

OK, I'll end there for today, since I should write another one to stay current.