Have pics, don't have time to post them. Self-compassion and responsibility and faith.

I have some interesting pictures I want to share. I saw a huge, full grown praying mantis, and an really interesting accidental art installation about impermanence and life.

Life continues to be full to overflowing, with challenge, and with goodness. I've decided to take a stubbornly positive view on it all. The challenges are opportunities to learn and grow. God is watching over, guiding and protecting me. All is and will be well, in the grand scheme, and any problems and difficulties are not so big, compared to when you look up and marvel at the milky way.

Yes, there is anxiety, but that is just a small step away from excitement. Even just looking at it from a different perspective can change it from one to the other. Yes there is fatigue, but there is also enough energy. yes, there is failure, there is not being good yet, but there is learning from that failure, and turning it therefor into success, growth towards goodness and greatness.

The universe is absolute perfection, unbelievably loving, caring, personalized to each one of us. We cannot see it, most of the time, but it doesn't change this fact. We have the freedom to not go along with it, and while still perfect, that results in pain, worry, and such. But when we do let go and allow the current of the universe to carry us, when we allow for the possibility of a kind universe, when we look with the eyes of Divinity, the perspective of gratitude and grace, the results are beautiful, nurturing, miraculous.

It's challenging for me to remember, it's not a habit yet. And it means being naked in a way. I have no excuse for my misery. No one else to blame. I wouldn't recommend trying this at home, so to speak, without some preparation in equanimity and self compassion and Self-Knowledge/inquiry. Otherwise this could end up sounding like self blame. It's not. That's not what I mean. It's trust, faith, and clear seeing. it's understanding what parts of your universe you're responsible for, and what parts you're not.

I should stop trying to explain it. Can't do it in a little blog post. I've been working on the practice of this, day by day, for weeks. And laying the foundations, for months and months.

I suppose the part that I can share that might make sense is just this: it's easy to take stance where you complain about how hard things are, use that as a reason to be unhappy, take on the role of victim, someone who has stuff done to them, rather than someone who does stuff. Someone who is put upon, unfairly hurt, who deserves to be cut a break because of how hard things are. Someone always looking for comfort, reassurance.

Easy, safe, but not very fun. It's harder to stand up against tragedy and look for reasons to smile, laugh, see beauty, be grateful. to take the role of... what's the opposite of victim? beneficiary? Benefactor? Both. To be looking for ways to comfort and lift up others. Harder, but much more fun.

I'm trying to figure out why it feels so vulnerable. I think there's a part of me that's always bracing for impact, for the worst, and I'm afraid if I let go of that, then when the worst happens, I won't be prepared for it, and it will hurt much more. And if I stop saying I'm a victim, then if I do poorly, I have to take responsibility, whereas if I'm a victim of my circumstances, then I have an excuse for doing poorly.

If everything is bad, and I mess up, well there you go, it's because everything is bad. But if everything is amazing, and I do bad, well, what's wrong with you?

But that's not true. There is some solution to this paradox, where I recognize and am grateful for all the beauty and bounty in my life, where I recognize my blessings and my power, and am compassionate and accepting of mistakes. And not expecting/attached to everything I do being a success.

That's definitely all for today. No time for pictures, just need to go to sleeeeeep. So bad.

Actual brevity

The caterpillar escaped. And I noticed the unusual poop that seems to precede pupating, so I think I may have butterfly/moth chrysalis somewhere in my room. Fascinating.

This weekend was... not so productive. I've been referring to it as "the dog got off the leash."

I think this happens more frequently when the work weeks are particularly intense. There's kind of a build up of pressure, and when there's a chance for release, when I give myself a little slack on my leash, I just bolt for it. Which is pretty tame looking because I'm an introvert, so no wild parties. Just some walks with friends and a bit of late night netflix binging. Pretty tame, all things considered. I even got some work done.

It's just that, given the amount of work and projects I have, I kind of wish I'd been able to work super hard straight through the weekend, so I could feel more relief from all that pressure of the various deadlines looming, relating to work, to my Montessori schooling, to various other things. The weekend feels too short. I want another day. I suspect this is a relatable feeling among many.

But it is Sunday night. Once more into the breach ;)

Much love to all of you, my friends and family. I miss having more time with you.

Hey, a post that was actually short. Cool :-)

IO

Personal Pics. Flower Apocalypse. Mold Almonds. Caterpillars to Butterflies.

As usual these days, I don't have much time, so I'll try to be concise.

Unusual is that I have a few pictures from my own life to share:

From a while ago: my aunts house (where I'm staying) has a beautiful vine that's consuming everything, but I don't think anybody minds because it is super-prolific with fragrant white flowers.

Makes me think vaguely of about environmental imbalance and armageddon, but with a happy spin on it. Like, we're all going to die, but our deaths will be due to an overabundance of beautiful flowers. If you have to go some way, that doesn't sound too bad.

  

(Photos of the earth-devouring, idyllic plant)

Now to today: I went to sleep and woke up anxious. Common feeling for a new teacher (maybe for an old teacher as well?)

One thing a mentor told me last night was that energy, which could be interpreted as anxiety, but also could be interpreted as excitement, is actually not a bad thing: it keeps us on our toes, as teachers, it keeps us fresh, present, and the energy generated can be used to power our preparation and teaching.

I really like that interpretation. Though I’m still working on converting my anxiety into excitement via the magic of perspective.

In addition I was working on faith, as a way of staying connected to source, spirit, throughout the day, despite anxiety, being super busy without time for silence, etc. Faith that all is untimely for our best, because not a blade of grass blows without God’s will.

(and incidentally, if we allow ourselves to be guided by our internal voice of good, of spirit, conscience, intuition, however we want to call it, it’s the state of being in flow with life and our own highest wisdom and heart. When we are doing that, then our life becomes maximally good. But no matter what, the universe is giving us the best it can. Not always what we want, but what we need, to grow towards and pupate into our butterfly form.

With that faith, there is a certain relaxation. Even in the midst of anxiety, that allows for a clear head, and at least some level of connection to Source, to the light within. 

Anyways, today seemed to go well, I didn’t get emotionally triggered and remembered often to center and check in with that internal compass of light.

And then, walking to my car across the school soccer field, I found a FIVE leaf clover! What a playful little wink from the universe. I feel much gratitude.

Pics or it didn’t happen, right? One of the things I like about having a good phone camera is I can  capture beauty or whimsy without destroying the thing. A potted flower rather than a cut one, so to speak. Here it is: 

Final things: as I was almost home, I saw yet another of these black, fuzzy, extremely quick moving caterpillars running across the road. I don’t see how they could understand the concept of traffic, but to all appearances that’s exactly what they’re doing, trying to get across before they get run over. I remember there have been a lot of them this season because I always feel really bad when I don’t notice them until too late and potentially run them over (potentially because there’s no way to check, they’re too small to see in the rearview mirror and I don’t know exactly where me wheels are.)

Anyways, I got it into a jar with some leaves and a stick, and at the very least I will enjoy it’s presence, but maybe I can share my fascination with the kids.

Again, a personal picture to illustrate:

It’s cozyer now, I’ve added a bunch of different leaves in an attempt to see what it likes. So far it’s been fond of fruit tree leaves.

Last, my attempt to sprout almonds resulted in growing something entirely different. A smelly, feather-thin mold. I suspect the almonds weren’t of the highest quality, even though they were “raw” and organic. I’ll have to try a different supplier than the local health food store. 

And that’s all for the week.

Man, it still took to long. Far, far too long. Now it's time to prep my writing lesson and go to sleeeeep.

In the future my posts may simply have to be “Hello. No time for a long post this week. Goodbye”

until then,

Love  ^_^

-I

Late and Great

My wall of progress grows day by day.
You can tell my level of preoccupation by how late this post is (that is, past the weekend.)

Most days I'm staying to 5ish. today was... I don't remember. Somewhere around 5:30-5:50 I think. There is just so much to do, what other option do I have? And then I get up between 4:30 and 5, do my morning devotions, and then work till I have to leave for school, doing some of my more challenging work in the morning, before my brain is fried. I keep trying to fit more work time into the morning, but there is only so much I can condense my morning routine. It is the bedrock of my sanity and health, so cutting into that too much is like eating your planting grain.

(is that analogy lost on people? In the olden days, you grew your own food, and you saved enough of the seeds that you harvested,  so you could plant another crop next year. Wheat and rice are seeds. So if you eat your planting seeds, then you have a bit more food in the short run, but you've just ruined yourself in the future. Kind of what we're doing in general with the environment.)

A cool thing is that somehow my body seems to at least partially have adjusted to the increased workload and work hours. When I was first starting up, I would get home at whenever, 4:30, and immediately collapse into a nap, before I could do anything. Now I get home at 5:30 or 6, meditate for a bit, eat dinner, and get back to work until bedtime.

I take breaks, I spend time with friends... but not a huge amount. And yet, it seems to be working ok.

I blame spirit. I'm clinging to my experience of a higher power, to the peace and silence found in meditation, and to the serenity of surrender and contentment and equanimity. During my short breaks, I'm immersing myself in the words of profound spiritual teachers, or doing spiritual practises, and it's nourishing not just to the soul, but to the emotions and body.

I think I've said this before: the intensity of the work is actually a motivator to be even more rigorous with my spiritual practice, because I'm on a much higher tightrope now, so I balancing practises are no longer just for fun, they are a safety necessity. Also, I feel the work I'm doing is super important, so that fires me up to put in the extra hours and efforts and sacrifice some unnecessary comforts. This is not a day job to pay the bills. I'm in it to win it, and by "win it" I mean make little kids awesome for the rest of their lives. (still some work to do before I "win" that one ;)

Being with actual people, time with friends, is important too, and meditation can't replace that part. But how much of that I actually need... as my path of devotion gets more concrete, I find that some of the heart nourishment that I crave can actually be met by the tender presence of a loving God that I feel viscerally and imminently now, after long search and practice. In many ways, God is the idea friend and beloved. God will always be there when you call. He/She is never too busy with work, never far away, never angry or unforgiving or crabby. Always unimaginably giving. Pouring out blessings like a massive waterfall, more than you could possibly make use of.

I understand this is not most peoples experience and I respect that. Your reality is true for you, your world is what you experience. But I do want to suggest that this experience I have is neither exclusive nor close to the heights of what is possible. It is available to all who seek earnestly and with persistence. (for many, persistence is key, as it can take a while)

Also, it probably sounds better than it feels. it's very nice, but it's also not that far from normal. But that's a hard thing to describe in words. The whole, "after the ecstasy, the dishes" thing. I don't know how I would compare myself to someone else, since I don't know what their experience is, but it's not like I'm going through constant incapacitating pleasure. Sometimes I'm anxious, or exhausted, or sad and lonely, or any of that other stuff. But also, often I feel the warm presence of the Creator, holding my hand as I walk through the anxiety and pain.


Another wonderful occurrence is I'm noticing my ability to cut through the unimportant and do the tasks that are essential is improving. Still a long way to go, but I'm working at it and getting better at:

a) identifying what really needs to get done
b) doing it without hesitation or procrastination


So, summary: still very, very much a work in progress, but progress is happening. Really good progress.

So, yay, I have something positive to share this time. Hope it was worth the wait ;-)

Goodnight, goodbye, have a blessed week.

-IO

I'm the little girl, in this analogy

Watermelons and my Wall O' Progress

From the Archives:

Idea for a short skit: guy selling watermelons by the side of the road, hot summer day, handwritten sign, humble prices,

another guy in average business clothes walks by, looks at them for a bit, as if deciding, then when seller looks away, grabs one of the watermelons and tries to make a run for it. Seller chasing after the thief, who is soon sweating profusely, gasping and panting, desperately trying get away, clutching  the watermelon close to his chest with a death grip, periodically glancing back at the shopkeeper who's running after him.

I just think it's a funny image but you could make up something about the greed of the capitalist upper class, or the Buddhist idea of suffering caused by attachment that could be avoided by detachment, or the rising cost of living. That's how you know it's art: it's archetypal (read: vague, idiosnycratic, bizarre) enough that people can create their own meaning from it. (I'm joking about that definition, just to be clear)


From Life:

Finished a large project, a big chunk of homework from the summer is done now (if I don't have revisions to make on it.)

And even have a few hours to take care of some other big ticket to-do's.

I've started taping my completed to-do's (I like using paper for that kind of stuff) up onto a part of my room I've labeled "Isaac's Wall O' Progress" so I can start feeling good about all the stuff I'm getting done. Much of what I do is just a mental note though, so it's not filling up as fast as I'm actually completing stuff. But it is deeply satisfying to put things that I've completed, there. It's so easy to forget how much you've done and just think about how much there is left to do.

Learning to teach, and learning to lead (because a lot of what you do as a good teacher is lead. It's sometimes called classroom management, but remember, "managers" in the traditional business sense, are supposed to be leaders of a sort.) and learning to teach discipline effectively and with kindness. All these are challenging things to learn. And anxiety producing, since I'm continually brought up face to face with my limitations and lack of skill/experience.

But on the bright side, it seems pretty universal to have such an experience, and also universal that the experience has a limited duration. often by the third year, it's no longer anxiety producing. That's reasonable. I can tough out the emotional bumps for that long. Doesn't mean I'm going to be an amazing teacher by then, but at least it won't be an all consuming, overwhelming race that takes up all my mental resources. I plan to continue improving as efficiently as possible, until I'm not just ok, but really good. My goals as a teacher are far beyond (not so) simple academic excellence, but into the inculcation of life skills, self image, empathy, responsibility, respect, a real and vital spirituality. It's only when I am doing an excellent job helping culture awesome human beings, that I'll feel like I can start branching out in my focus once more. (though making a family is likely to happen before that process is done.)

In the mean-time, one of the things I'm focusing on is the psychological discipline of self-compassion. I've read that a lot of that has to do with understanding our shared humanity. For me a lot of it is just being kind and forgiving when I get things wrong, when I make mistakes. It's such an important lesson to learn, and the children need it so badly. It may not be fun to fail, sometimes, but it should not be feared, in 99% of situations. I'm working hard at it, I'm learning from my mistakes, and I'm treating mistakes in such a way that I don't scare myself into being overly conservative or paralyzed. Intelligent risks must be taken. Inaction in teaching often leads to lax discipline, which is not good for kids.

As one of, no, as several of my teachers have said, in one form or another,
"It doesn't matter if what you do is perfect, just do something."

This world needs the action of compassionate, courageous souls. If you have the desire to make the world a kinder more beautiful place, we need you, we need your action. Even if you're not an expert. Just step in and start doing something that you see needs doing.

This is a lesson that I need to learn, and I've been working on it consciously, and its yeilding large positive dividends. But I really have to find ways to be ok with all the times it doesn't go well, or with the idea that it often won't go well.

Another quote I heard recently that I liked, "If you've waited to do something until you felt really ready to do it, you've almost certainly waited too long."

Life is a giant mass of uncertainty and unknown. If you want to dance with it, if you want to drink deep of the limited years you have, you must start getting comfortable with discomfort, uncertainty, not being perfect. Being a perfectionist or a control monster just separate you from life.

As does being a limp noodle that just blows with the breeze. In so many things in life, the secret lies in balance, in the middle path, in the synthesis of seemingly paradoxical opposites.
Kind but Firm Discipline.
Unconditional acceptance and lofty goals/expectation.
Surrender/stillness and intense action
Flexibility and Steadfastness

There is much more I'm planning on getting done before the day is over, so I'll say goodbye for now.
Each week feels like a month these days, with how much new stuff I'm doing, learning, going through. I can really relate to my fellow new students who cry for their mommy and want to just sit alone or follow around a teacher. The first days of school, especially a new school, can be really intimidating.

Anyways, much love to all of you, my friends and family.

Until next time,

-IO