I have some interesting pictures I want to share. I saw a huge, full grown praying mantis, and an really interesting accidental art installation about impermanence and life.
Life continues to be full to overflowing, with challenge, and with goodness. I've decided to take a stubbornly positive view on it all. The challenges are opportunities to learn and grow. God is watching over, guiding and protecting me. All is and will be well, in the grand scheme, and any problems and difficulties are not so big, compared to when you look up and marvel at the milky way.
Yes, there is anxiety, but that is just a small step away from excitement. Even just looking at it from a different perspective can change it from one to the other. Yes there is fatigue, but there is also enough energy. yes, there is failure, there is not being good yet, but there is learning from that failure, and turning it therefor into success, growth towards goodness and greatness.
The universe is absolute perfection, unbelievably loving, caring, personalized to each one of us. We cannot see it, most of the time, but it doesn't change this fact. We have the freedom to not go along with it, and while still perfect, that results in pain, worry, and such. But when we do let go and allow the current of the universe to carry us, when we allow for the possibility of a kind universe, when we look with the eyes of Divinity, the perspective of gratitude and grace, the results are beautiful, nurturing, miraculous.
It's challenging for me to remember, it's not a habit yet. And it means being naked in a way. I have no excuse for my misery. No one else to blame. I wouldn't recommend trying this at home, so to speak, without some preparation in equanimity and self compassion and Self-Knowledge/inquiry. Otherwise this could end up sounding like self blame. It's not. That's not what I mean. It's trust, faith, and clear seeing. it's understanding what parts of your universe you're responsible for, and what parts you're not.
I should stop trying to explain it. Can't do it in a little blog post. I've been working on the practice of this, day by day, for weeks. And laying the foundations, for months and months.
I suppose the part that I can share that might make sense is just this: it's easy to take stance where you complain about how hard things are, use that as a reason to be unhappy, take on the role of victim, someone who has stuff done to them, rather than someone who does stuff. Someone who is put upon, unfairly hurt, who deserves to be cut a break because of how hard things are. Someone always looking for comfort, reassurance.
Easy, safe, but not very fun. It's harder to stand up against tragedy and look for reasons to smile, laugh, see beauty, be grateful. to take the role of... what's the opposite of victim? beneficiary? Benefactor? Both. To be looking for ways to comfort and lift up others. Harder, but much more fun.
I'm trying to figure out why it feels so vulnerable. I think there's a part of me that's always bracing for impact, for the worst, and I'm afraid if I let go of that, then when the worst happens, I won't be prepared for it, and it will hurt much more. And if I stop saying I'm a victim, then if I do poorly, I have to take responsibility, whereas if I'm a victim of my circumstances, then I have an excuse for doing poorly.
If everything is bad, and I mess up, well there you go, it's because everything is bad. But if everything is amazing, and I do bad, well, what's wrong with you?
But that's not true. There is some solution to this paradox, where I recognize and am grateful for all the beauty and bounty in my life, where I recognize my blessings and my power, and am compassionate and accepting of mistakes. And not expecting/attached to everything I do being a success.
That's definitely all for today. No time for pictures, just need to go to sleeeeeep. So bad.
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