You can tell my level of preoccupation by how late this post is (that is, past the weekend.)
Most days I'm staying to 5ish. today was... I don't remember. Somewhere around 5:30-5:50 I think. There is just so much to do, what other option do I have? And then I get up between 4:30 and 5, do my morning devotions, and then work till I have to leave for school, doing some of my more challenging work in the morning, before my brain is fried. I keep trying to fit more work time into the morning, but there is only so much I can condense my morning routine. It is the bedrock of my sanity and health, so cutting into that too much is like eating your planting grain.
(is that analogy lost on people? In the olden days, you grew your own food, and you saved enough of the seeds that you harvested, so you could plant another crop next year. Wheat and rice are seeds. So if you eat your planting seeds, then you have a bit more food in the short run, but you've just ruined yourself in the future. Kind of what we're doing in general with the environment.)
A cool thing is that somehow my body seems to at least partially have adjusted to the increased workload and work hours. When I was first starting up, I would get home at whenever, 4:30, and immediately collapse into a nap, before I could do anything. Now I get home at 5:30 or 6, meditate for a bit, eat dinner, and get back to work until bedtime.
I take breaks, I spend time with friends... but not a huge amount. And yet, it seems to be working ok.
I blame spirit. I'm clinging to my experience of a higher power, to the peace and silence found in meditation, and to the serenity of surrender and contentment and equanimity. During my short breaks, I'm immersing myself in the words of profound spiritual teachers, or doing spiritual practises, and it's nourishing not just to the soul, but to the emotions and body.
I think I've said this before: the intensity of the work is actually a motivator to be even more rigorous with my spiritual practice, because I'm on a much higher tightrope now, so I balancing practises are no longer just for fun, they are a safety necessity. Also, I feel the work I'm doing is super important, so that fires me up to put in the extra hours and efforts and sacrifice some unnecessary comforts. This is not a day job to pay the bills. I'm in it to win it, and by "win it" I mean make little kids awesome for the rest of their lives. (still some work to do before I "win" that one ;)
Being with actual people, time with friends, is important too, and meditation can't replace that part. But how much of that I actually need... as my path of devotion gets more concrete, I find that some of the heart nourishment that I crave can actually be met by the tender presence of a loving God that I feel viscerally and imminently now, after long search and practice. In many ways, God is the idea friend and beloved. God will always be there when you call. He/She is never too busy with work, never far away, never angry or unforgiving or crabby. Always unimaginably giving. Pouring out blessings like a massive waterfall, more than you could possibly make use of.
I understand this is not most peoples experience and I respect that. Your reality is true for you, your world is what you experience. But I do want to suggest that this experience I have is neither exclusive nor close to the heights of what is possible. It is available to all who seek earnestly and with persistence. (for many, persistence is key, as it can take a while)
Also, it probably sounds better than it feels. it's very nice, but it's also not that far from normal. But that's a hard thing to describe in words. The whole, "after the ecstasy, the dishes" thing. I don't know how I would compare myself to someone else, since I don't know what their experience is, but it's not like I'm going through constant incapacitating pleasure. Sometimes I'm anxious, or exhausted, or sad and lonely, or any of that other stuff. But also, often I feel the warm presence of the Creator, holding my hand as I walk through the anxiety and pain.
Another wonderful occurrence is I'm noticing my ability to cut through the unimportant and do the tasks that are essential is improving. Still a long way to go, but I'm working at it and getting better at:
a) identifying what really needs to get done
b) doing it without hesitation or procrastination
So, summary: still very, very much a work in progress, but progress is happening. Really good progress.
So, yay, I have something positive to share this time. Hope it was worth the wait ;-)
Goodnight, goodbye, have a blessed week.
-IO
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| I'm the little girl, in this analogy |
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