The feeling of impending doom, realism, optimism, positive focus.

Still behind by... two posts I think? School starts up again tomorrow, and after feeling bad about it and how I spent a good chunk of my last day, I've accomplished a huge amount in the remaining time. Something about the feeling of impending doom really clarifies what's important and facilitates focus.

I took a real break for most of this vacation, and it felt really good. Really good. But that means coming back to work does not feel so great. I was exhausted and overwhelmed to the point where there was no energy to try and improve things, it was just staying afloat, that was all I could manage. And now it looks like things are going to get even more intense, more responsibilities. Perhaps more time. I'm definitely in the "I want to curl up in a ball and hide from everything" mindset that is perhaps not so uncommon among newish teachers coming back from a break (or in general).

That is not an option though, which is perhaps the only way for people to get beyond such uncomfortable things. We need situations and outside accountabilities to get us to do something uncomfortable for long enough to get over the discomfort. Otherwise we stay away from such things in the same way simple single cell organisms stay away from environments that are poisonous to them.

It's hard for me to muster the optimism that I'll do better this semester, as I am a bit of a cynic (what I call a realist) and I was already at or beyond my limit last semester. But perhaps what I did was good enough, and more of that will be ok. I'd like to say, "I'll do better this time! If I just believe hard enough, I'll make that a reality!" but no matter how many self-help books I get quoted at me about that, it just smacks of lying to myself. For the outcomes to change, the inputs need to change, and I'm unsure what I could be doing better, with the time resources and energy available to me.

I will set goals at least, and try to keep those front and center in my awareness, a positive focus, and work on any self-defeating beliefs that aren't true (but don't get picked on as much as the positive affirmations because they've already wiggled past my discerning mind when I wasn't looking and set up shop.)