Ok, sorry about last week (maybe not actually sorry? I think part of me wants to see the expressions of people swearing when something I wrote ends on a cliffhanger and they want to read the next part, and then laugh hysterically. Perhaps I am a little bit evil after all?)
But, I'd already written a bunch and it seemed like it should be split up into a new post.
So, picking up where I left off:
I raised my hand.
Actually, I raised my hand two or three times. You know that shy person hand raise, halfway raised, not wanting to be overly insistent. But I got missed. Then I saw someone raise their hand and stand up, quickly, when the previous person had finished. So then I did that. Opposite of shy person hand raise.
I'm not sure how to describe this next part, I could write pages and pages about what was going on in my own head, and write out the specific conversation I had, but nothing I write can capture the days of build up and the power of what ended up happening.
If you meet me and want to know more, ask and I'll tell you more of the depth of it. But it is also such a personal event, that it feels private, so even the limited audience of this blog feels too public to go into the depths of it.
Well, time to give it a shot. I raised my hand, and stood up like I wanted to be seen. I got called on, got a mic. I was already starting to feel a bit light headed. Even just this much was a victory already, but now I was ready to go on. I said that I had questions I wanted to ask, but even more important was the act of simply raising my hand and talking to this person who was kind of symbolic for God in this situation. More than symbolic, it was almost the feeling of it, energetically like doing that. Not even 'like' doing that. I felt like that was what I was doing. Saying to God, "yes, here I am. I'm stepping into your light, to be seen, maybe judged. I'm willing for you to see all of me, even the embarrassing bits, because I want you, want to be with you, near you, even if it means I have to endure you looking right at all the darkest and most embarrassing parts of me.
I said something about what I had been going through, with my fear to be seen, realizing it was ego, and so going in the opposite direction that egoic fear was telling me to go, taking a step towards God, towards my highest Self. And they said something like, "and look, you take one step towards me... I take all these steps towards you." and they had moved across the lecture hall right next to me.
There was more, that wasn't even the height of it, but that's all I'm going to share here, in specific. But to summarize, it felt like I had exposed myself, totally vulnerable, and it had not been terrifying, but grand, and I had not been judged, but loved. And I think again that is a good symbol of how God actually works. And again it wasn't just symbolic for me it was experienced. My questions were answered, but mostly by myself, and I was radiantly alive, and authentic, and open. It felt like I'd been reborn. There was a book I read, a good book, called "coming alive" and that is a good description for the feeling. Like my passion for life that I had as a child had died or fallen asleep for years and years, and I thought it was dead for good, but it had come back to life.
All well and good. Wonderfully good. But such highs of spiritual experiences inevitably pass, at least in my experience. However, what was not something that would just fade away, was the understanding of that step I took. That one step, through the barrier of fear, towards...Light.
OK, I think that's a poor explanation, but I'm not sure I can do better. And this is getting long, but I'm not going to give you another cliffhanger. There was something I did, when I stood up tall and raised my hand. It was a symbolic energetic act. It was saying, God, I want to move towards you. More than saying, it was doing. It was moving towards God. In so doing, I was moving towards fear, discomfort, possible pain, that stood in the way, or even was the way, to God. (and you can substitute True Self, Atma, Allah, Truth, or such things, as you feel called, for "God" if that's more comfortable or feels better for you, I'd consider it fundamentally the same.)
It was an act of willingness, to be uncomfortable, to be exposed, for the sake of... not just moving closer to God, but for the sake of following my heart. What I wanted and felt deeply right. Allowing myself to want what I wanted, and ask for it, and pursue it. To be myself, authentically, rather than hide who I really was, to please others or keep them from being displeased.
All of that, and more, and I know what that movement is now. Towards. And what it feels like to take that step, towards, even when it feels uncomfortable. And I have a memory, a handle, as I said earlier, on that feeling, on that movement, to remind me how to do it, should I forget. To remind me what it feels like, and what the outcome of doing it is (hint: really really good).
If it were always as easy to take that step as it was that day, and the days that followed, life would be incredible beyond description and I would be firing off like a rocket ship into unimaginable awesome creations.
However.
The high always comes down, and the works inevitably get gummed up again, despite how hard I try to keep them clean. It's ok though. Now is the time for the real work. Getting that engine, that step after step walk towards, working even when traveling through difficult terrain. Mud and muck, rather than skipping through the field of daisies and dancing fairies that was the spiritual retreat. Things are not always clear. Sometimes I forget. But at least I can remember. At least I know how to take that step. And hopefully, with practice, I will get better and more frequent with remembering to take that step towards, each moment.
I'm not sure what to do about the clarity thing. If I don't know which direction towards is, I can't take that step. What was previously crystal clear not sometimes requires deep meditation and prayer to gain clarity. Hopefully that is something that will improve with practice as well. I think so.
Aaaand, that's my story. Experience. Aha moment. Now you maybe know why I wasn't sure exactly what to call it, and why I said it was a very important moment in my life. Perhaps I should say, is a very important moment, since it continues to be, and the wisdom of it gets lived, in the current moment, now. Always now.
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