Alright, let's start with with the life altering experience (I know, I know, you really just want the cat video. Good writers always save the best for the finale though.)
I'll try and give a brief summary so there's some context. Leading up to the spiritual retreat, Suzannah had been away on a trip herself. And, if you've ever heard the saying, "while the cat's away, the mice will play," well, that what what was going on. If you haven't heard the saying before, your welcome, it's a good one. I had gotten off my nice routine and was mostly playing around, which was fun at first but then as the late nights built up and I started feeling unproductive, became a bit...less fun.
If you've every felk kind of energetically...gunky, you know what I mean. Like the opposite of coming off of a really deep and powerful meditation retreat. I should maybe mention that the low was still a lot higher than it had been in the past, thanks to a lot more self acceptance and compassion. Still, not great.
So, it was great news that I was going to the equivalent of an energetic car wash and tune-up. However, when I got there, I had this feeling of... perhaps unworthiness? It was like I was afraid the spiritual personage leading the retreat would be able to see all the goofing off and not listening to my inner voice that I'd been doing, and I was trying to keep my head low so I didn't get scolded.
The idea that sticks out representative of this, and then the interaction I had with a wise person who helped me begin to turn my state of mind around, is as follows:
At one lecture, the spiritual personage said something like, "if you are really sorry, don't apologize; stop doing it, never do it again!"
I'd heard something like this before, but this time I had a strong reaction, which was, "I can't make that promise." I was sad about that fact, but it was a fact. I could put in a really strong effort to stop doing it, and to never do it again, but chances were, given past performance, I would do it, or something like it, again at some point. Present Isaac could not control far future Isaac. And it made me feel kind of sad and defeated. Then, I ran into the a kind person who was helping to run the event and they took the time to ask how I was doing, and who I actually told how I was doing, rather than just giving the common, "find-and-you" of polite and shallow society, because I knew they were actually interested in knowing. We chatted for a bit, and I told them what I had been thinking and feeling, and they said something simple, but very helpful.
Again, in my own words and to the best of my memory, something like, "perhaps that's ok, and you just do the best you can now. We all make mistakes, I made a big mistake myself just yesterday." The words gave me permission to let myself off the hook for the future, and for perfection, to focus on what I could do, now. From that point on, things went better and better, until the last night of the event, where the big 'aha!' happened.
Aaaaand, that seems like an appropriate point to pause, since this has already gone on past the "short" length of blog post.
See you in a few days!
-I
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