Crocuses, Bedtime, Toiletpapers.

 Lo and behold, I am two days ahead of my papers. Maybe a little bit more actually, since I also did the one due next week. This is cause for celebration, but not rest. Remember, I've got 4 papers due April 21st, 2 papers due the 14th, and two papers due the 28th. And I'm flying out to Ohio on the 28th for a week of all-day classes, so I can't push the papers past that date, there won't be time the next week. So, I've got a week and a half to make enough of a dent in that, ahead of time, that it's sane. That is still a daunting task requiring a lot of work every day. 

Did I mention I'm planning on taking less classes next semester? Assuming it doesn't mess up the timeline to much. Currently in conversation with academic advisor-type people about those specifics.

I think I already mentioned this, but it's good practice, learning to really focus and keep up a rigorous workload, not slack off. I hope I can then apply that work ethic to projects that actually matter to me, once the school work lessens. Not that I dislike what I'm learning, but man, paper-writing is a horribly inefficient way to learn any of this stuff. It's basically toilet paper getting thrown down a drain in terms of its use to anybody, particularly the carefully formatted, rubric directed, citation laden academic nonsense. Maybe a simple reflection, no special formatting, not worrying about grammar or citations, might be worth the time it takes to write it. Or a review of research and thinking, on something that actually matters to me. Who knows, maybe it will somehow come in handy one day. The actual pursuing of scientific articles is actually pretty interesting, when I care about the subject matter.

On the plus side, I'm getting better at writing papers and doing projects faster, with less perfectionism, and thus less time waste.

In more interesting news (to both of us) I love my morning sit-spots. Right now, I'm getting to see the buds emerging, day by day, and the air smelled fresh and like spring this morning. I smelled the crocuses, which smell as good as they look, with their deep vibrant blue to purple. I looked at three daffodil buds in various stages of unfurling, I looked at the Japanese maple leaves starting to emerge, and the redbuds waiting for a warmer day, partially out but halted in their growth by the cold snap. And all the birds flying around and singing in the morning light. It was beautiful, each day is a little different, and it fills me with profound gratitude most mornings, getting to witness the beauty.

My latest self improvement project is going to bed on time. I failed at this in the past, and it made me really upset with myself. But this time, I've got a different approach. I'll just keep working at it, and not get discouraged by it not working, knowing that eventually, I'll get the hang of it, and figure out how to overcome the things keeping it from happening, if I just keep working at it, reflecting and learning from my failures. That's a different approach to beating myself up and getting dispirited every time I failed, and I think it will work. Eventually. Maybe even quickly.

Not really pushing it these next few weeks though, just focusing on getting all my work done. That's enough of a challenge without adding a huge habit/behavior change.

I'm really looking forward to actually doing counseling work. Hopefully this passion of mine for behavior change and self-improvement will get to be channeled towards helping other people.

Love and all good to you, dear friends and family,

-I Out

Momentum vs. Slowing down, Cycles vs. Consistancy, Optimism.

 OK.

I've asked and gotten an extension on one of the papers, I'm almost finished with the second. IF I continue at my current intense but sustainable pace of a paper every 5 days or so, I should be able to start chipping away at the 4 papers due on April 21st, so that when it gets to that time, I'm only doing maybe 2 papers that week.

I've heard a professor comment on how students (and teachers) tend to spin up during the semester, eventually getting at least somewhat comfortable with the pace of work. The key is having a somewhat steady pace of work. Humans can adapt to quite a lot, but if things keep changing, then they need to keep adapting. Like creating a habit, the hard part is the initial behavior change and the maintenance until it becomes semi-automatic as a habit. I think the same can be said for intensity of work habits. The problem comes when we take a break and then lose all that momentum, and then have to re-establish it. Change is hard.

That's not saying I want to get rid of breaks. There is a certain in-breath out-breath cycle of activity and rest that our bodys are designed for, and trying to stay at one level constantly is like trying to sit for too long without moving: it's unnatural and our bodies protest and start to get sick.

But there is a part of me that wants to keep some degree of motion and momentum through the breaks. I think this might be related to the truism that if you want something to get done, give it to someone who's doing a lot.

I've heard the idea of momentum given as an analogy in this context. You want to maintain and increase your psychological momentum for accomplishing things. For pushing outside of your comfort zone. For focused work.

At the same time, I'm reading a book talking about slowing down a bit, being more picky about what you decide to work on so you're not taking on too much, and can do what you are working on well. And I'm very strongly considering going down to 2 classes a semester rather than my current 3, because it just feels too full and rushed.

I'm uncertain however. If I can manage 3, by working efficiently, then it might be good to stick with it until that habit of focused work gets ingrained. It is a good excuse not to do time wasting activities, or at least, not too much of them. But I think 3 classes is a bit beyond what is useful. Not all of the time, but when things build up. 

I have a lot of non-school related things that could easily keep me busy, which I'm not getting to, because I've got to focus so much on school work. I think it would be good to get those life things taken care of, before kids come around. So that would mean taking the degree a bit slower.

Haven't fully pulled the trigger on that yet, but very strongly considering it.

In the meantime, this semester has started its most intense period, which continues through the first week of May. Then I get a few weeks break.

A bunch of house stuff has gotten done. We've listed our old house on Airbnb and Vrbo, we've got the tree's trimmed so hopefully no new roof damage, we've gotten the shed roof replaced and the giant tree branch cut up and hauled off. Any day now all the blood work and other such tests will be back and I can do a really in-depth look at my health with my doctor, perhaps for the first time ever. That's been a project I've been meaning to get to for probably a decade or more. Lots of stuff is happening. Even with the high course load. So that all feels pretty good. Which is a nice contrast from a week ago when I was feeling pretty down. Maybe it's the fact that I'm about to finish my final paper due this weekend and have a bit of time to start on the next one and get start getting ahead in preparation for April. Whatever the case, things are feeling/looking up.

With love,

- I Out

Four hands and a burning car speeding down the highway.

Quick post I think. 3 papers due this weekend (hopefully only two if I can get one of them moved to next week). Thus the shortness of this.

The end of this semester, April 21st, I have four papers/projects due. Given that I can do about 1.5 large papers per week, if working at max capacity, I need to begin working on this now, since I have papers due each weekend going forward, except next weekend. Except I will have one due next weekend, if my professor is kind.

I've been burning out. I've come to the conclusion that I need to reduce my course workload. I'm not the first one to come to this conclusion, but I'm the one that has to pull the trigger, so now it's going to happen. Though I'm not wasting the last 9 weeks of work by quitting in the middle, so it's gonna start either during the summer semester, or this coming fall. I'm looking forward to it.

In the meantime, I'm thinking about how to excuse myself from any responsibilities I can reasonably excuse myself from, such as some of the volunteer work I do. It makes me sad to do so, but future Isaac will be thanking me, I suspect.

My birthday is coming up. I think that makes 38? I feel like I'm getting kinda old to have kids. Seems like a young body is better suited to keeping up with them, but I guess the biblical Isaac was born to a much older father, so there's precedent. I notice the difference though. The declining energy, how it takes longer to heal injuries. In a sense I've been preparing for the aging process my whole life, as I've felt like a crotchety old man since I was like 7 years old. On the other hand, there is definitely some regret that it's taken me so long to get myself together enough to really enjoy life. On the third hand, at least I've kind of got it together now, that's not something guaranteed in life, it is a blessing at any age.

On the fourth hand, if I keep up this crazy young persons graduate school schedule, I'm still not getting to enjoy it. Thus realizing I need to chill out. I don't like that it will take longer to finally be working with people, but from the "you might croak in your sleep tomorrow" perspective, it really makes more sense to take it at a pace that I can enjoy. I had a dream last night that kind of drove home the point. I'm lucky enough to have the option to take longer with my degree, so it's kind of masochistic to keep going as hard as I can, just because it means I'll reach my goals sooner. My ultimate goal is not one I can reach faster by rushing, and in fact doing so could easily make it take longer. As my teacher says: start early, drive slowly, arrive safely.

OK, that's all for this week, back to work.

Leap-Year-Day

Suzannah and I created a fun little tradition, last leap year: we celebrated, ate good food, spent some quality time together, and wrote notes to our future selves, to be opened next leap year. It was really cool, hearing about where I was, 4 years ago. I wasn't even married yet! Some of my predictions for what life would be like now came true, or are in process. Some didn't at all. But 4 years is enough time for things to have changed quite a lot. I moved to Texas and then moved back, in that amount of time. I switched career paths.

And what about the next 4 years? If things go according to plan, I'll be working as a counselor by then, and have at least one kid. Maybe two! So much could happen, but the future is uncertain. What will be going on with AI? With climate change? Will I finally be doing work I love? How will I be handling being a father? Will things work out or will there be surprising twists and turns?

A lot of people I know are having a really rough time these days, and my heart goes out to them. Just as easily, it could be me. I think we all take turns, going through the rough patches. What I want to do now, when it's a relatively smooth patch, is work on myself and my systems, so that I have strength and good habits of thought and action, when the rough patches hit. Also, to support those in my life, who are going through those rough patches. I feel like that happens with Suzannah; we take turns having challenging times, so the other person can support the one going through the roughness. Perhaps it works like that in our close social networks as well.

Leap year day. It's special, having this one day that only comes every four years. An excuse to step outside the ordinary and reflect over a larger time period. Looking even further back, I feel so much gratitude for how far I've come, how much better I'm doing than many years ago. And yet, now I'm begining to feel the other side of things: I'm already almost 40, and it seems a shame, that it's taken me this long to get my life together. How many of those years in my physical prime, were wasted on me being unhappy? Youth should be for the old and the very young, or just in general, for people who know how to appreciate life.

But in any case, I can at least appreciate and savor life now. I feel deep gratitude for the setting yellow sunlight playing accross my office and shrine, for still sleeping tree's moving in the wind, for the birdsong in the morning, and for this moment of peace and beauty I get to share with you right now.

Be well, take care of each other, enjoy beauty and love where you can find it,

-Isaac

More than one sentence part 3

What does the previous blog post say about me? How about the fact that it was really hard not to add that first sentence on to it?

I'm writing a lot of papers, and reading a lot of textbooks, and I'm noticing this tendency I have, to try and do a really good, careful job, when I have the time to do so. I think this is a wonderful, caring tendency, except when I actually don't have the time to do it. Which is the case these days. However, it seems like I do have the time, in the same way that it seems like you have a lot of money when you've got a credit card with a high limit.

To explain that analogy: I have a lot of papers due, two weeks from now. That seems a long way away, and so it seems like I have plenty of time to work on my current paper, relax, get some housework done, have fun with Suzannah.

However, if I don't start working on those papers now, it's going to be deeply unpleasant trying to get them all done the week they are due. I think I need a visual chart, that maps out all the things I need to do in a day, and how long they actually take, so I can look at how much time I actually have. Once I see that, I can go, "uh-oh, I really don't have that much time to do all this work, I need to get started immediately and not mess around.." But without that clarity, there isn't a visceral urgency getting me working at the rate I need.

Even just putting all the papers and assignments that are due over the next semester, into my calendar, is very helpful for that. But I still find myself dragging and sidetracking, which I wouldn't do if it was all due next week.

In any case, I think I mentioned this earlier, but just taking moments to pause, in the middle of whatever I'm doing, and connect to silence, offer up whatever work I'm doing as a kind of mindful spiritual practice to the Higher Consciousness... It really helps me take a breather, and not get lost down rabbit holes, getting overy precous or perfectionistic about things that really don't deserve it. So, I'm doing that. I've got a little app on my phone that plays a pretty bell sound every 15 minutes, and then a note on my desk, reminding me to actually use those dings, to take a brief pause. It's quite nice.

OK, three down, one to go!

More than one sentence part 2

As I was writing the title to my previous blog post, I immediately realized the next post had to be a single sentence.

More than one sentence part 1

 I have been very neglectful of my poor blog. There there blog, you're a good boy, I love you even if I don't see you that much. Thank you for being a faithful friend.

I'm three weeks behind because I thought I was two weeks behind, and actually was three weeks behind the last time. Just like I was the time before that. Apologies to all you (three) readers, for the sporadic schedule. I've been working hard on a lot of things, doing a lot of new things, and it sometimes seems like there is a limited number of little habits I can do at once, before some of them start to get pushed out of consciousness.

So, let's do three really quick blog posts. Actually, let's do 4, since the weekend is tomorrow.

OK, this counts as one. I vaguely recall setting the rule for myself that a blog post could be as short as one sentence, so this is clearly over that minimum limit. That's a good way to maintain a habit streak, but you have to actually follow your rule and allow yourself to do that small amount. I often can't seem to stop myself at that one sentence. A common tendency I have. Maybe I'll talk about it in one of these blog posts.