Short and Simple Today. But also Dapper.

OK, how quick can I make this.

School is great! It's hard to describe this... sometimes organizations get a bit dogmatic. But within those organizations are super awesome people, and they are not dogmatic at all, they just rock and are great at what they do. I don't actually know how dogmatic the AMI (that's the biggest, oldest, fanciest of the Montessori organizations) is. I think they are in general pretty cool. There have been a few official things, like the no notes, and the one teacher-of-teachers-in-training that I asked about where to go to learn how to present the materials, who just kept saying I should just not do it until I'd been officially trained for that age group. But the no recording isn't a huge deal. It's a bit irritating, but understandable. Though there's no reason I shouldn't be able to record things. I'm taking notes anyways, it would just make the notes more complete, and I am trustworthy. But they don't know that. And I don't know what was going on in the head of the instructor-in-training. And she didn't really know what my situation was. So meh, nothing bad.

And, the main teacher I've had so far is super awesome. She knows her stuff, she is hilarious, she isn't afraid to modify things based on her own experience and what she things is best, and she has a huge about of heart. This is why I went half-way across the US: I want to absorb this persons way of being. When she talks about the theory, she talks from her own experience and synthesis of it. She gives examples from her life, and she adds little tidbits that the books don't mention or have gotten wrong, like the fact that Montessori wasn't the first female doctor in Italy, there were other women who were doctors of pediatrics and such things, but she was the first surgeon. Which was very much thought to be a mans job. Doesn't take away from the fact that she was a super strong and smart woman who didn't back down in the face of societies pressure to conform. But just adds a level of keeping it real, and lets me know she's done her homework and fact-checking. This is not just the wikipedia version.

In any case, I wrote wrote wrote today, I wrote wrote yesterday, and I've got a lot more write write writing to do tomorrow and every day thereafter. The homework is to write short (2-4 page double-spaced) essays about each of the topics we've got presentations on. the purpose is for us to synthesize the information and then express it in our own words. I"m sure many of the people will do more of a regurgitation thing, but at least theoretically, and potentially, I highly approve of this as a learning method. She wants us to actually understand these concepts, make them our own, and get as creative as we want, in presenting the knowledge back to her, as long as she see's that we're understanding it. Is it the very best technique for knowledge acquisition? probably not, but that's fine. It's a good technique, it means she's thinking about us deeply understanding and internalizing this stuff, and that is sufficient. You don't need the best hammer in the store to pound in the nail, you just want a good hammer. Many teacher just give you the nail and no hammer. Or maybe a potato or a screwdriver. That's when you have to wonder about them, especially if they're supposed to be teaching you about how to teach well.

OK, what else. Did some laundry, worked a little more on getting my room set up as a proper living and working space. (went to Ikea and got a cheap shelving unit.)

I think that's about it. Hopefully going to go to bed nice and early and get up super early so I can get some more essay writing done while I'm nice and fresh. We'll see. I still have one more must-do thing, write something to my girlfriend, a ritual I'm trying to turn into a habit as long as our relationship is long distance.

OK, pip pip, cherio!


-I0

Road Trip, Summer School, Vestigial Tails

Oh man, so much has happened. And I'm exhausted. Need sleep.

So here's the executive summary:
Drove cross country, Iowa through New Mexico to San Diego. Stopped in New Mexico and enjoyed the amazing presence of Amma, (the hugging, humanitarian saint) for a few days, and then in one long day made it all the way to La Jolla, San Diego, so I could sleep a little in preparation for class the next day, today.

The drive was fantastic. I had good audio books, and the scenery was beautiful. desolate flat desert, baking the car at 104 degrees. so very flat, the road going straight as far as the eye could see. Mesa country, red rocky mountains, beautiful feathery desert trees, a patch of sand dunes that was mesmerizing with a sparkling river bounded by concrete running through it, alongside the road. Bouldery mountains and a road threading it's way through them, like a ricochet tennis ball, blasting through the sides of mountains, out into the air for hundreds of feet, ridge to ridge. Watching the sun set and rise and set again as I wove through mountains. The plants turning more lush and numerous, still pale blue-green desert colors against the red rock.

And then finally landing, exhausted, head-achy, a little sick, and going to school today. slightly exhausted especially during the sleepy-time of 2-3pm (I"ve been reading a book about circadian cycles and such. so I know I should really be napping right around then, for about 15-20 minutes.)

How is school? It's just he first day, too soon to tell. The teachers seem to know there stuff and be passionate. I was at first off-put by the severity of the rules, but in actual practice it's much more reasonable. I feel like Montessori is like every other system ever, where, though it may be good, what gives it life, the blood in it's veins, are the people. Good teachers equal good teaching. And when the teacher isn't giving it their dedication, with love, it doesn't matter the brilliance of the system, they'll find a way to make it not work. But these teachers are good. My preliminary read, which may just be my bias speaking is: there are some excellent skills (like very careful objective observation) that I will learn, and a system that can be very conductive to intrinsic motivation for students and good learning, but it's not like this system is the only system in the world that works. That's no different than Christians saying their religion is the only right one. It smacks of... what's the word...dogmatism and hubris and ego. It creates infighting and bickering and putting each other down. Religions should realize they all have the same goal: Nearness to God, and they should join hands in that path, respecting the different roads each are taking to the same destination. Teachers should realize they have the same goal: the culturing of wise, successful, and kind people, and respect the different roads they are taking to get there. Obviously there are some things that just shouldn't be done, like removing recess or getting angry at kids. Just like there are certain things done in the name of religion, like murder, that shouldn't be done.

Montessori is a system that holds many values as intrinsically important, that I also hold intrinsically important. I strongly agree with pretty much everything I've read of Montessori's writings and speeches so far, and have lots of respect for her as an educator and an intellect and a doer. So going under the Montessori label will mean that anyone who signs up for it with me, is interested in the things I'm interested in, with children. Is expecting them.

But I feel like it's important to remain system agnostic. As soon as I have emotionally vested myself in a system, that's when I start justifying things that aren't necessarily true, or smack-talking other systems, or turning a blind eye to my own experience or strong scientific evidence. My God is Truth, as Gandhi said. That is my almighty. I will adhere to that, no matter what, and that is my touchstone, for whatever I choose to do. That is my love, my passion, my life-breath. Anything that goes against that is not something I want a part in. And some of the worst, most destructive untruth is self-deception.

There's a book I want to read called, "Mistakes were made, but not by me." about cognitive dissonance. Basically, we have stories we tell ourselves, and when the evidence that the world presents us goes against those stories, we tend to keep believing the stories, anyways. We are really good at that, at justifying our selfs, our beliefs, our actions, and sometimes really bad at accepting that deep-held beliefs we have are wrong. We must have this for some evolutionary purpose, but it sometimes gets us in trouble, and makes it difficult for us to accept some truths.

In any case, I haven't run into much of that yet, except the unexplained and to me inexplicable rule that we are not allowed to take audio recordings of the lectures. It's a rule of AMI, not the specific teachers, so they are forgiven, but AMI is not. I hate being given rules without explanation or flexibility. I think that's one of the reasons I always try to explain the true and real reason for rules to my students, when I enforce them, if they may not know. It's just respectful. You shouldn't do something just because I dictatorially say so, you should do it because it's the right thing and you know it. (unless you're too young to understand, then there is some benevolent dictatorship.)

In any case, everything seems very intelligently done so far, and I look forward to experiencing more of it. I'm curious how much of my own thoughts on teacher education that I brainstormed during my masters, they are implementing.

It's a huge class, so there are several shortcuts they are taking, less hands-on experience, less help from the teachers, by necessity, because we are nearly 150 strong, with all the different programs going on simultaneously. That is enormous for them. They are at capacity, with a waiting list.

In any case, we'll see how things go. I'm withholding any final judgment, but my guess is that it will be excellent, with a few issues and non-ideal things due to the size, a few things that are like vestigial tails, done because of tradition rather than efficacy, a symptom of having a system around for too long, but in general very high quality. I don't think it will rock my world down to it's foundations, as some rare things do, but it doesn't need to. It just needs to train me well. Hopefully I'm wrong and it's mind-blowing and life changing in a really good way.

OK, that's all for now. Sleeeeep.

A tiskit, a taskit, a pondering and a task set

Hello.

A few quick tidbits from the week:


-  New finding: even if you're telling little kids who are upset at being corrected, that you love them just the same, and are not mad at them, the simple fact that you are talking to them about it for longer, seems to make them get more upset. New strategy: just move along, move along. These are not the droids you're looking for.



-  Frustration: time management is challenging.
Possible insight: Focus and priority management is much more effective than "doing things quickly." It's the continual "squirrel!" moments when I get sidetracked by some interesting but non-essential to-do that makes the important stuff not get done, even when I'm not doing obviously procrastinatory things like netflix.
I'm going to get this, eventually, and then it will be glorious.

The awareness of decisions and how choosing to do one things means I'm not doing any of the other things continues to be better motivator and willpower fuel that whatever I was doing previous to that.

-  I now can make an awesome and healthy salad dressing. Did it twice. I just need a blender and about six specific ingredients.

-  I see the potential, in my future (perhaps somewhat far in the future), to feel confident enough with classroom management that coming in to school is like an improv dance where the art created is beautiful human lives. To put more specifically and less poetically, I realize that I have a pretty good sense when something is not right, and what is exhausting is when I don't do anything about it and/or don't know what to do about it.


-  I'm working on... I don't know what to call it but self-denial. I know that's almost sacrilegious in our permissive hedonistic culture, but it's super necessary for success in any big endeavor to be able to say "no" to all the little distractions and cravings that would blow one hither and yon off the path one has set out on.

The Bhagvad-Gita likens it to the chariot driver who lets his horses run wild and drag the chariot wherever they decide to go. The horses are the senses. The chariot is the body. The charioteer is your mind. Mind needs to direct senses for a safe and fruitful journey, not be a slave to them.

I'm trying to practice this, and it's really hard. I keep messing it up, forgetting, giving in to temptation. The Gita offers consolation, basically saying, 'yeah, your right, it's really really hard. But you can do it. Don't give up hope, keep at it.' And I am. And 'm getting better at it. Slowly. And I'm getting more done, with less drama and procrastination, as I get better at it. But I'm still a looooong ways away from being an expert chariot driver.



Onto something else...

Helped with bags. Missed train. Worth it.

A pondering:

"How you are with one thing is how you are with all things."

This sounds powerful, wise, and true, and it is. But it's also wrong.

How it's true: how you approach what you are doing, right now, be it large or small, is a microcosm of how you approach anything. Not only is this descriptive, it is prescriptive, in that if you stretch yourself, right now, whether it's doing the dishes or making a series of emotionally and intellectually taxing decisions non-stop for hours on end, your actions, your choices, create a story about yourself that self-reinforces.

Are you someone who goes the extra mile and makes the difficult decisions and doesn't eat that last brownie? It's not a yes or no answer. You are creating the answer, in this moment. If you put off the difficult choice until later, and take the easy path, telling yourself that tomorrow you'll make the difficult choice, then the story you are creating for yourself is one of procrastination and excuses. Tomorrow never comes. It is always today.

Now, how it's wrong (this is more nit-picky, but serves as an example for a point in a previous post, namely, even good wisdom requires you own common sense to guide it's interpretation and application):
We have proficiencies, habits, and though these may appear to outsiders like we are exerting incredible willpower and strength to do certain things, internally those things do not feel effortful. Maybe you have a spotless house, and other people think you're super disciplined, because they imagine how difficult it would be for them to maintain that level of order. But for you, it is a neurotic obsession, and not having the house super neat is like nails on a chalkboard, or perhaps, cleaning is like your drug, your escape from the serious issues in your life that need to be dealt with.

Practically speaking, in this area of your life, you're really together. Moreso than with things that are not easy and habitual. These kinds of things are the exceptions to the aphorism. These special proficiencies don't mean you're really together in all of your life. (Who is ever together with all of there life?)

"How you do..." refers not to external results, but the internal feeling and process that is going on. Are you leaning into growth, or are you coasting? You can be very successful in the world but internally still be coasting because you are smart and/or you have a bunch of good habits/obsessions.

It's like that wonderful quote, not sure the original source which I'll misquote here,

'Others see your deeds, but God knows your heart.'

You can give food to the hungry, but what is the feeling and intention behind that? If it's so that you can put it on your college application, or brag to your friends, it's worthless. Perhaps even poisonous. The intention and feeling behind the act are what determine the outcome. Give because you love, because you feel compassion, because service without ego is a way to purify and uplift you.

In any case, "how you do one thing is how you do all things" is an appeal to lean into your life, lean into growth, now. With whatever you're doing now. I guess right this second, you're reading, so there's probably not much spin to put on that. But think about what you're going to do right afterwards. Is this just going in one ear and out the other? Another bit of wasted time online? Or are you going to ask yourself the golden question, the always fresh query: "what's the best thing I could be doing right now?" and then go do it?

I suppose you could also add (though it is kind of implicit within the first question) "how will I do that thing?" Meaning, what feeling would be best to have behind it? Are you doing this as selfless service? Out of love? Out of your passion for a dream, a purpose, beyond self? Or out of some less bright reason? Fear, self-loathing, anger, etc.

Don't coast, is my recommendation. It doesn't feel nearly as good, as alive, as when you are leaning into your growth zone and giving your talents to the world. This can take just about any form, from writing a book to being a good listener to pumping gas. This is not about peddle to the mettle, super hardcore workaholics. There is the opposite side of coasting, which is... grinding, I guess I'd call it? Life is all about balance. neither too little nor too much. Too much is almost as bad as too little. Sometimes it's worse. I talk about too little because that happens to be my tendency. This is just about being in integrity with yourself.

"What is the best thing I could be doing right now? What would I do if I loved unconditionally (yourself as well as others)? What act is in integrity with my soul's compass?"

Go on, do it. Start now.

Lying, Voltron, Good/bad Advice

I think every piece of good advice or wisdom as at least one (usually more) downsides. These downsides almost always occur when people listen to the piece of wisdom above their own common sense and personal experience. The simple solution then is just to take all pieces of wisdom and advice and subordinate them to the questions:
"is this applicable and important to me, now?"
"Does this seem correct, given my own best common sense?"
"Does this seem to be creating something positive or negative in my life?"

The problem with "advice" is that people and situations are different. Even great wisdom can lead someone down a self-destructive path, if their understanding and application are different than what the speaker intended. You are the final gate that decides to do or not do something. Ultimately the responsibility for doing something that messes up your life falls on you. You can blame it on the person who gave you bad advice, but unless they were intentionally lying to you

(This is a cool tv show based on Paul Ekman's research)

or totally inept, (and ultimately even then) you are responsible for deciding if it applies to you and whether to practice it. You are responsible for figuring out how to do the practice or behavior effectively.

Not blame, not shame. Just responsible. It's actually a good thing. It means you have a degree of power over this. Though if you don't recognize that fact, things tend to behave as though you don't have power.

It's like a puppeteer who pretends his puppet is alive, and his puppet is his boss, and then he forgets its an act and starts feeling dejected and stressed and powerless, running around doing what the puppet-boss says.

This is a general preamble to any advice I or anyone else gives, but the specific thing that I've been chewing on with pleasant results is choice and decision. Specifically, I'm trying to be more aware that whenever I make a choice to do something, that I am simultaneously making a choice not to do any other things. So the question automatically comes up: "Is this the most valuable use of my time?"

I get home, I'm tired, part of me wants to watch some Voltron

and eat snacks.

Then I ask myself: "if you do that, it means those minutes and hours are not going to anything else. Are you sure there's nothing else you'd rather decide to be doing with that time?"

And of course the answer is no, there are lots of other things that are really important to me, and if I had to choose (which I do, but I tend to not realize it.) I would certainly pick one of the other things that is earth-shatteringly important to me, like organizing my room and work flow so I can do all the other things I need to, or taking care of the most time sensitive projects and actions, so they don't become more complex, expensive and/or time consuming because I put them off too long. Or taking a nap because I'm too tired to do anything else productive.

I don't think this would work for most people, perhaps I've laid some good ground work somewhere along the line, but for me, for now, it's pretty awesome in focusing me like a magnifying glass with the sun, turning my attention into a brilliant point that illumines and burns away whatever it looks at.

It makes me think of The Marshmallow Test, a book about research on willpower, and some of the cognitive reappraisal strategies that seemed to be most effective in helping people overcome immediate temptations for long-term rewards.

OK, it seems abrupt, but I'm done. Done and out. What's most important now, is sleep. :D

(I wrote this close to a week ago, but this was the second one that week, so it is fulfilling this weeks quota, and I'm waiting til today, Sunday, to add a few pictures and inform the facebook crowd that it is posted.)

Don't go back to sleep: Mixed Nuts, Fruits, and Two Birds.

The breeze at dawn as secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep...

-Rumi

-Akiane

Good morning dear children of immortality:

"Arise, awake, stop not till the goal is reached."
-Katha Upanishad

The word decide comes from the roots "de" and "cide" which means literally "to kill" (like the word homicide). When you decide to do something, you must kill something else. A possibility. Many possibilities. Choice. So much in our lives has to do with choice. What choices are we making. But the choice doesn't always lie where we think it lies. Most often, the choice truths (lies) where we decide to put our attention. Remember that behind every life lies (or truths) a combination of habits, good and bad. But we don't choose habits. Habits are made up of tendencies that have be reinforced repeatedly, and tendencies are made up of repeated actions, and actions are caused by thoughts. This sequence is like a snowball rolling downhill; though you can stop it at any point, as it gets further down the hill, it picks up more and more snow, more speed, more momentum, until it requires a tremendous amount of force to alter it's course. That's where we are with habits. The most efficient place to start is altering one's own thoughts. Mind control. The only kind of mind control that's not immoral, self mind control.



Minds don't get controlled by force for very long. That's suppression and it's like one of those cans of mixed nuts that actually contains springy snakes. As soon as you let up pressure on the lid for a fraction of a second, the snakes spring out. Suppressing our thoughts is temporary, and just makes the thoughts and feelings more pressurized.

Like trying to not think of a pink elephant, the act of trying not to think about something makes you think about it. What you need to do is apparent if you've ever worked with small children. If you tell them "no" they just want it even more, they start crying, etc. If you instead present them with something else interesting that's not problematic, and remove the other thing from view, they quickly and happily switch to that. 

It's important to validate and not dismiss feelings, but it's also important to then do something about them, and one of the main things to do is find something else to focus on aside from the stimulus that's getting you upset. This is one of the main purposes of of the various religious practises that use God or Spirit as a focus. Namasmarana, the Jesus prayer, Buddhist prayer beads, etc. They are all about having something really positive to focus on. You can do this in meditation, but as one of my teachers said, meditation ultimately is an all day affair, not just a few minutes with your eyes closed.

To that effect, I ran across a good description of "renunciation of the fruits of action" an idea mentioned repeatedly in the Bhagavad-Gita, and a concept that is somewhat perplexing to me, in how to actually implement it. But it's one of the main ways to be practicing spirituality during every-day life, when you can't be focusing on a mantra or such.

The idea is that you act for the sake of the action, rather than for it's fruits. You renounce the fruits, in a sense. Why would you do that? How would you do that?

Why is because when you're overly attached to outcomes, you loose your equilibrium and peace. You start worrying if you'll succeed, maybe you even do something dishonest to get what your after. If you fail, you feel bad, if you succeed, you start worrying about loosing what you've gained.

The analogy given is: if it's hot (like it is here in Iowa now. Today was up in the 90's) and you don't have electricity so you are fanning someone out of love, you can stop whenever you want. If you are a servant who's fanning someone as a job, expecting a paycheck at the end of the day, you can't stop even if you desperately want to. You are under obligation to your employer. Likewise, when you are over attached to the fruits of action, you are beholden to them. They compel you to action or inaction, even when you don't feel good about it. When you let go of your attachment to the outcomes and simply focus on doing the best action that you can, you are free. No more performance anxiety distracting you, no more fear of failure, no more fear of loss. No more unhealthy compulsions.

To be clear, this doesn't mean you aren't allowed to enjoy the outcomes of your actions. Another visual aid I read about from Phyllis Krystal: imagine you are walking on a tightrope. Flying on either side of you are a crow with cruelly sharp beak and talons, and a beautiful, cute dove cooing softly. you reach out for the Dove, wanting it to land on your hand so you can pet it, but overextend, and fall. Next, you push away and flail at the crow, trying to keep it away, and loose your balance again. 

This is attachment and aversion. If instead, you have a healthy detachment from the good and bad results of your actions, you walk with both hands outstretched, balancing more easily. If the dove comes and lands on your hand, you accept, and enjoy the good fortune. If the crow lands on your hand, digging in it's talons, you accept patiently and keep walking. In either case, you remain balanced, moving swiftly towards your ultimate goal which lies at the end of the tightrope. Focused on your next step, and the next, and the next.

The how is both simpler and much more challenging. As they say, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it. I'm still a newbie at it myself, so I don't feel qualified to teach others, but for myself, sometimes I actually visualize handing over the future results, good or bad to a higher power. Sometimes I just remind myself to do the action that feels right, because it feels right, and let go of worry about how it turns out. Sometimes I remind myself, before starting on a task, that God is present at the point of my focus, wherever that may be, say writing a blog entry, and my spiritual practice for now is focusing with full attention on that point and doing the best job I can with it. I think the thing which tripped me up the most was just thinking it was more complicated that it was. It is exactly what it says on the label. Let God, let the universe, worry about the results. You cannot control those. As Byron Katie and the 12 Step programs say, that's somebody else's business, stay in your own business. Your business is what you choose to focus on, and the actions you take. You cannot control the outcomes.

But if you keep focusing on impeccable action, the results will eventually take care of themselves. You can't control when, but the law of Karma says you will eventually get back the reflection and resound of whatever you are putting out into the universe.

Just remember more important even than action is the feeling behind the action. You can do all the charity in the world but if you doing from a place of pride and self aggrandizement, or judgmentalism and superiority, what you get back will not be good. I could tell a little story about the Buddha and the rich man and poor old woman who went to visit him and give him a gift, but this is getting long and I have to go to sleep. It will just have to be a teaser for next time, or perhaps next time we meet in person, if you remind me of it. ;D

Good night,

-Eye

It's my birthday again! Time, death, love, growth: a retrospective

Since as far back as I can remember, my birthdays have always been a time of introspection, of reflection on the previous year, of my life thus far. For a long time, they were some of the worst days, because I felt so badly about myself. I thought I was shy and awkward, lazy, not good at things, a coward. I thought nobody loved me or ever would, and probably for good reason, and I thought I was doing nothing useful with my life.

The first birthday I remember not being like that was my first year at the Maharishi School, in 11th grade. I got a card signed by many of the girls in the class, with nice messages to me. I'm not sure they knew how meaningful that was to me. It was a totally new idea to me, that girls might actually think I was a cool and interesting person. That they might like me. For some reason, my self image was particularly tied in with what girls thought of me. I think this was because for so many years I had been so unsuccessful with girls. I literally could not get more than a terse sentence or two out to the girls I had a crush on. I was so awkward and uncomfortable and frightened that my mind would shut down, as though someone were pointing a gun at me. As though I was an antelope being chased by a hungry lion, and all I could think about were the terrible things that would go wrong when I said the wrong thing. There was no hope of a simple, natural, easygoing conversation. I think talked more with my 1-8th grade crush during the graduation party (when I finally didn't have to worry about being rejected because I wasn't going to see them again, perhaps ever.) that I had during the entire rest of my 1-8th grade career.

Anyways, that birthday was actually mostly happy. And I began to accept that maybe I wasn't worthless.

Up to then I was generally unhappy, extremely self-critical, and an inveterate procrastinator. I had no idea what I wanted to do as a job, or with my life in general. I was interested in spirituality, but it was very inflexible, dogmatic, and judgmental. I was both obsessed with and terrified by the thought of a romantic relationship, and didn't know the first step to start one.

It took a long time. How long was it? I was.. 16? 17? and now I'm 31. Fifteen years, about. But things have changed. Things have changed so much. I'm comfortable around women, even if I'm attracted to them, and I can be relaxed enough for them to actually get to know me. I no longer hate myself or talk to myself hyper-critically or cruelly. I have a clear focus for my career that feels really good and  I'm actually working in a job that's directly preparing me for the teaching I want to do, that's already letting me do it, and I feel confident in my ability to achieve my professional dreams and goals.

That could be a whole post in itself: the change from working towards my goals with a quiet, defeated stubbornness, that basically said, "I have no idea if I will ever make any progress towards these goals, I don't see how I'll ever achieve them, but there's nothing else for me to do, and I definitely won't achieve them if I don't try, so I'll keep slogging away at them half-heatedly until I die. (When I'm not doing netflix binge marathons to try and distract myself from how bad I'm feeling.)"

To now, working towards my goals with quiet confidence that says, "I seem to be able to achieve just about anything I set my mind to and persist in, so I'm really excited about this goal I'm working on, because it's so big and important, but I really think I'll be able to do it. I just have to keep working at it. I feel so much gratitude to God, to the Great Mystery, who's transformed me and helped me grow into this, who's made this all possible."

I've seen pictures where holy substances have come out. I've been a part of a miracle where I had a super unlikely meeting with a woman who fits me so well it continues to astound and humble me to this day. I've had dreams where I got to talk to the form of God that I worship.

To anyone who's interested, this is not proprietary. There's no secret. I'm not anything special. As far as I can tell, (I'm still figuring this out, I could be a bit off.) this kind of miraculousness in your life is available to anyone and everyone who does a few simple things:
1) focus every last drop of determination and energy you can muster on doing what is good, loving, and truthful. Listen to, check in with, and follow your conscience scrupulously As near to all day every day as you can. (it will be far from perfect, but it will slowly improve (and temporarily devolve, sometimes))
2) Keep God, Divinity, Higher Power, in mind, in heart, as close to always as you can. Talk with him/her, hold their hand, ask them questions, dedicate your action to them. Make divinity the center of your life. (same non-perfection caveat as above)
3) Whatever sadhana (spiritual practice) you determine is the best for you, do it with persistence and consistency. I don't care if it's meditation or seva, whatever it is, do it as best you can, and keep working on it with dedication and focus. Refining the process as needed.
4) Spend time with the most spiritually wise and big hearted people you can.

And I can condense that even more, if necessary:
1) Listen, with uncompromising honesty, to the voice within, your conscience, and commit yourself with all your heart and energy, to following it's dictates.
2) When you're at the end of your rope, when what you have isn't enough, when you can't figure out the next step, pray. Pray from the bottom of your heart, without artifice, without restraint, like a little child crying up to it's mother.

It's not complex. It's not easy. But it is doable. Maybe it will take 15 years like it did with me, but hey, better than never. And honestly, much of that time was just trying different things, searching, experimenting, discarding what didn't work, refining what did. Finding new things that worked even better. Or coming to understand old things in a whole new light.

In any case, I want to end with what is important: I came this far because of so many great people, supporting me, teaching me, pushing me onwards, granting me their wisdom, their strength, their sight. I came this far because of the grace of God. My ego could never have done this. I can't give it any credit. So I just want to say thank you, to my friends, my family, my teachers. All the people in my life, on my path, who have helped me find the next step, and the next. And of course that divine essence which is the source and substance of it all.

And as always, my good friend, death. Life is precious. Some of my closest friends have died, or suffered life threatening disease. Young adults, not even in middle age. Never take a day, a moment for granted. You never know when death will call, and he will not take a message and get back to you later. The thing to fear is not death, but never having lived.

I like this because it's not high-falutin philosophy. It is simple, unavoidable truth. Reality. You will die. You don't know when. Therefor it follows that the only sensible thing to do is to live each moment, to the best of your ability, so that you will not lie on your deathbed with regret.

No amount of reminders about this is too much, unless they become automatically ignored due to quantity. Live well. Live with love, not hatred or jealousy or envy. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't hold onto the dark stuff. Fill your life with light, kindness (to yourself as well as others), and goodness.

In Truth, Love, and Laughter
-Isaac

Pro's and Con's, Mill and Stepping Stones, Ham-wisdom

This was an interesting weekend. Some good, some very good, some unexpectedly bad.

Pro's:
Got to talk with Maggie! It's been... I don't even know how long. Two months? That we've been trying to connect. (More than the nightly short texts. Well, short on her side. Sometimes short and sometimes long on my part, since my schedule is considerably less crazy than hers.) Despite my worries that the lack of face to face connection may cause the relationship to dry up a bit, when we are back together, it really is like getting together with an old friend. We just start back up where we left off. Despite not knowing each other that well. And yet perhaps we do... here, story time: I wanted to squeeze all the goodness out of the call that I could, so I read through some of Gottman's literature (author of "The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work" which I definitely recommend if you're in a romantic relationship and you want to make it work) and found a fun exercise to "build love maps" as Gottman calls it. Getting to know each other.

We played a twenty questions game, and even though many of our answers were based purely off of intuition, they ended up being right. I'm chuckling to myself as I right this, at the continued improbability of it all. I was more expecting we'd get it wrong, laugh about it, and then share what the right answers were and get to know about each other that way. But apparently that is to some extent not even necessary. I continue to be dumbstruck in gratitude at the universe for what an incredibly good match it's found for me. One example of many: my favorite instrument is the violin. Her main instrument is the electric violin. I can only fall at God's feet in grateful surrender and do my best to be worthy of the gifts given.

A Con was around the end I said something that accidentally was opening a can of worms a little and felt bad about doing so, but we worked it out fairly quickly, and ended on a nice note. Gratitude to my partner for being able to do that. She is amazing.

I hate hurting peoples feelings. I try so hard not to, but I'm not perfect. And what with needing to be more firm in my teaching style, I'm probably going to have to do things that hurt some small people's feelings a bit, out of care for them and their overall long-term development. Healthy boundaries, high expectations, follow through with my word.

Other pro's:
Mother's day! Got to talk to mom.
Cleaned up much of the living room.
Got some important things on my todo list checked off.
Went contra dancing.

Con's:
Stayed up late and got completely off of my schedule.
Felt really bad about having left the unpacking/organizing in my aunts living room for so long.
Sucked into less important tasks and interesting but time-wasting stories.
So much that I still needs to be done, at least one important thing that is certainly going to be late.


Making lemonade, some of these bad feelings are good fodder for getting into the shoes of students. I can see when kids shut down, when they're being told they've done something bad. And now I have a fresh memory of what it feels like, so I can sympathize. Gottman would call it emotional flooding I think. And the bottom line is once you've emotionally flooded your student, it's close to impossible to get them to listen to you deeply. They can do manual tasks, but the heart is shut down, so if your asking them to engage in empathy or creative problem-solving or self-awareness, you're going to fail.

Gottman talks about "soft start-up" and "complaining without criticizing." These ideas are super useful for any kind of relationship. From husband wife to parent child to teacher student to friends. It's important to voice the issues that are coming up for you, and what you need, but if you want to keep the relationship healthy, and be listened to well, you need to use a soft, non-attacking start up, and then keep the conversation non-attacking, even as you talk about the specific actions that the other person is doing and your own feelings. It seems like a tricky skill, especially if the other person is super sensitive to criticism, but also an incredibly useful one. Any time you have a conflict with another person, this skill is useful. Even without a romantic partner, if you have a work associate that it's hard to get along with, you can use this same principal. (Link is to an article on that subject)

OK, I have the motivation to go to bed early, I have the time to get ready for bed, before it's actually bed time. I've got one more thing I need to do before that, so let's see if I can restart myself now.

This is one of the most useful skills I've learned: when I go off the rails, doing something and then regretting it afterwards, rather than my previous method of just ruminating on how I'm bad and a failure, I simply feel the regret and desire not to do it again, look back and analyse what whent wrong, make a plan to avoid that mistake in the future, and then get on with my life, starting up again on the right track. There's very little drama, there is sadness and regret, but they are not lingering, because I immediatly start making amends, doing everything I can to avoid that same outcome. And I make similar mistakes again and again, but the iteration cycle is fast, and so the learning cycle is fast, and before I know it I've gotten much better at handeling x distraction or situation. Lots of attempts, lots of failurs, no giving up. Just like all fast learning happens. And it's not excessivly stressful, because I'm not dwelling on the mistakes, I'm not fearing them. They are stepping stones that I'm using to climb. This is a very growth mindset way of functioning, and it's also a very enjoyable way of functioning. That question, "What would you do if you couldn't fail?" isn't an impossible hypothetical. It's very much within your grasp with this MO.

Good night! Good week. Or if it's a bad week, may you learn much from it, may you learn from each failure and turn it from a millstone around your neck to a stepping stone towards your dreams.







Is failure a bad thing, or a good thing? Remember it's all just a matter of how you frame it, how you think about it.

"...there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

-Hamlet