Still Packing! More Possum Magic.

 This morning when I went for my jog, I ran across a possum! it was around 9am (late start) and I was maybe 20 feet away from it, when It came out onto the sidewalk and paused. I stared at it, very surprised to see one out so late in the day, and so close to me. I went to get a picture of it on my phone, but by then it had already started running away from me, in the funny little waddle possums do. I jogged after it, as we were going the same way, until my turn came.

Then again, another close animal encounter a bit later, I jogged right past what I assume was a feral cat, sitting a few inches from the concrete walkway. It wasn't until I slowed my job and looked down at it, surprised that it had let me get within a foot of it, that it suddenly spun it's head around to look at me with mild alarm. However, I kept on jogging, and it went back to it's thing. It was still there when I came back a minute later, retracing my path.

What does it mean? If it's a sign, what is the sign? I know with the possum right before I saw it I was thinking with a bit of frustration at the spiritual organization that exists around Sai Baba, how some people keep splitting up the organization, doing weird things now that he's gone. It's frustrating to see what I judge as childish behavior, damaging the unity of something I've found value in. But that's me getting caught up in my own ego. Got to remind myself it's all part of the plan, just not my plan.

Continuing to pack! I'm so grateful to have the time to actually pack! I didn't have that last time, and the weight fell all on Suzannah. But now I'm at least taking care of my own stuff. It's going very slowly, even as I try and go quickly, but it is getting done, and it's nice to see the progress. I don't think I'll have any spare time for any of the other things I want to do, but I may have enough time to get the packing done on time, without crazy panic packing.

And now, back to it.

With Love,

I -Out

Packing!

This post is late. Why: we are packing like our life depends on it. We have until two Saturdays from now, about 8 days, to finish packing up the house and getting it ready for a renter. We are working with great focus, to get all the things done that need to get done.

Also, I'm flying out over the weekend, for about one and a half days, to get to a friends wedding reception in Pennsylvania. So I have even less, time, and need to pack for that as well. Today and/or tomorrow, because I'm leaving the house at around 4:20am, so packing last minute is a no-no. I need to go to bed super early.

Alright, that's all for now, next week will probably be similar, or even shorter, or maybe nothing at all, but you'll know what I'm doing.

Love!

-I

Rainbow Road, No Longer Home, Gratitude

Things sped up significantly the last few days, as we were packing up plants and getting ready for the first trip. It was a day to remember. Not a lot of sleep the night before, I was packing plants and my own stuff until maybe 10:30 or later, and then up by 4 am-ish to finish packing and moving the plants into the car yesterday. Then, we finally left around 7am, and arrived just a few minutes before midnight. I took two caffeine pills and three naps interspersed throughout the day.

I'm going to call it the "rainbow road" trip, after the mario kart racing course of the same name, because, after getting out into the empty country (Kansas and Nebraska) -which was lovely- we drove into a huge sporadic rainstorm, and saw so many different rainbows that I lost count. It was absolutely gorgeous, and fun, and adventurous, as we drove through the heavy parts of the rainstorm. And then the cool contrast, of bright rays of sun lighting up patches of bright green grass, amidst the dark gray shadows of the rainclouds, all around. And, though we were worried about the plants staying cool enough (which was the whole reason we got a van: the air conditioned cab was connected to the back part) I think they were all fine, and the rain meant it wasn't even that hot for much of the day.

I realized I really enjoy the peaceful part of cross country drives. Where it's just you on cruise control, going fast, through beautiful vistas, with few cars between, and easy passing. I listened to most of a book by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi on flow states, and then was just driving in silence for a long time, contemplating the big questions of my life and enjoying the scenery.

I'm kind of out of it today, unsurprisingly, but I'm taking it easy, so hopefully by tomorrow I'll be back to normal-ish. And I'm thoroughly enjoying it all. Thanks in large part to slowing down and not feeling rushed or crunched for time. 

I feel like these past 5 or so (maybe even 7?) years of intense activity have given me a deep appreciation for the time and freedom I had previously, but ended up... not exactly taking for granted, but not properly appreciating. Instead, I would be unhappy, feeling down on myself for not doing more. Now I am both more focused and disciplined, and more easy on myself, and much more prone to gratitude and not wasting time with negative ruminations.

It's interesting though, Fairfield no longer feels like home, coming back to it. I wonder if it's just time, or the fact that I'm not plugged into anything here anymore. I'll need to re-make it home, I guess.

We're going to see some houses, also, but not many, just because there are not many going on the market. Small town, slow market, and not a lot of promising options. We're considering building for that reason, but with supply chains still wobbly and contractors hard to find, we'll have to do some research to see if that's going to be even more of a headache than just waiting for something.

OK, I think that's all. I might just take another nap before our first house viewing of the visit.

Summer Break Beginnings

 We are partly through my first week... of Freedom! And Time! How is it? It's quite nice. I want more of it. I am continually reveling in the time I have, and grateful for it.

How much goofing off am I doing? A respectable amount. I'm still getting up early to meditate and run, and I am mostly working on things, though 'work' is a relative term, as some of that included researching to find my perfect (within reasonable prices) desk, security keys for 2-factor authentication, and plans for switching cell phone carriers. Which has just changed to switching my phone number, after noticing that I've been grandfathered into an older plan for Verizon that is super cheap because neither me or my mom uses much data. So, surprisingly, I wouldn't actually save that much money.

In any case, part of the inspiration for this was something someone said to Suzannah, about how they would never ever change their cell phone number, because there are so many things linked to that cell phone number, it would take forever to change them all. I happen to have a pretty awful number, in terms of being memorable, but I got a really good one, with google voice, and apparently I can transfer that google voice number, for a small fee. The biggest challenge will be the interim period, where I'm switching over all my numbers and contacts. BUT, if I can transfer my old verizon number to my google voice account, I can just have that forward to my new snazzy phone number. It's going to be a fair bit of time, getting it switched, but now's the time to do it, and it will make everybody happier, for me to have a more memorable number. Emergency calls and all that. And then never change my phone number again, as the person said.

I've finally just about caught up with time sensitive things that I needed to get done as fast as possible, so it's not time to settle into some of the important but longer-form work that needs to get done for moving. First cleaning up the house, then working through my year or so of neglected inbox, and then starting to pack things up. It's actually going to be a rather busy summer, with the move, so I don't see myself getting a real large open stretch until the end of summer, September-ish. Maybe later, if we choose then to go on a honeymoon :D

OK, off to work. Or rather, it looks like it's about lunch time. I'm trying to eat through the oversupply of food Suzannah left me with (never go shopping when you're hungry) so I have to actually cook.

Until next time!

-Happy Isaac

Checkpoint 0

 I am strangely subdued and introspective, as I begin my first afternoon post teaching job. In hindsight it was predictable, but the act of hugging tearful children telling me they didn't want me to leave and that they love me and will miss me is something that is hard to remain unmoved by. Especially since I love them too. I don't think I made the wrong choice, but it turns out it was not a totally easy choice to make.

I'm reminded of the movie I was recommended, called... I forget the beginning, but the rest was, "a yak in the classroom." I can relate, a bit.

I was expecting to dance and jump and shout "yes!" at the conclusion of this. But I'm not. However, perhaps there is a consolation prize. The fact that I have all these children who will be missing me, puts into more stark focus, what I choose to do with myself going forwards. I must at least be making as good use of my time, and helping people as much, as I would be, if I was still teaching. I don't really want to go back to teaching full time (though maybe part time?) so that is almost a punishment incentive. "how can you justify doing x, (say, binging netflix) when you could be in the classroom, helping students? If you can't do something better with your time, then just go back to teaching."

Or another way of looking at it, is looking at all my students, and asking the question; can I justify that what I am doing is worth leaving you all? That is a rather high standard. And that's good to have. As I've discovered previously, when in the nebulous state of not having a job, it is easy to drift, and for that most precious of resources, time, to slip away, wasted.

Honestly, case in point, this afternoon. was planning on writing this hours ago, but one email prompt lead to a research rabbit hole, and it's hours later that I finally concluded it. I think with a useful outcome, but, I think this outcome could have been reached about 3 times faster than it was, without loss of quality of decision, if I just had a more strict time restriction.

This is perhaps one of the things I need to remedy; how I will spend an excessive period of time, researching and thinking about the best course of action, when I would be better served by a truncated decision making process, moving more rapidly to action.

I'm not worried about this. I'll figure it out, and I think I'll figure it out quickly. I'm grateful for the time and freedom I now have, and also grateful for the perspective I've been given, on how precious my time truly is, and the motivation, to use it wisely.

I plan on being grateful and happy as a practice, as well as self compassionate. For whatever reason, it is so clear to me right now, how much of my experience (and everyone's experience) comes from their own thoughts, beliefs, limitations. I'm tired of hobbling myself with my thinking. I'm ready to fly and the runway is now clear. These coming days will be interesting. I'm curious to see what happens with my best intentions plus determination.

The End

 The end of one chapter, the beginning of another. My last week. As I’m writing this, 3.5 days remain. I’m going to have a few fun days, probably reading. Then I’ll get down to work. It will probably be a bit of time before I get the hang of my new schedule, but I am confident I’ll be able to figure it out so I’m working effectively and productively, not wasting time on unimportant tasks. And also taking care of life admin, and having some fun.

I’m really looking forward to cleaning and organizing my office and getting my inbox and task management system up to date.

Next update will be from the other side!

See you then,

-I

Paid for in a pound of flesh

 I’ve got a little subheading in one of my travel journals that I’ve just labeled “paid for in blood.” It’s a record of all the lessons I can think of, that I’ve learned from my time teaching. Teaching in general I suppose, but specifically over the last two years, and especially this last year where I’ve learned more than all the other years combined. Some of the lessons are about teaching, classroom management, lesson creation, child psychology, etc. Many are about more general things, like mental toughness, gratitude for the time and freedom I have, and the urgent need not to waste any of it.

The title comes from the fact that these lessons were bought in pain. Exhaustion, discomfort, stress, and a general lack of play and joy in my life. Not to be to down on my job, especially since this last year was exactly what I’d wanted, and was less stressful by far than any previous year, because I got to work directly with my mentor and share a class with her. But it was still draining, stressful, and not high in joy or play or deep satisfaction. Thus why I’m planning on leaving being a full time classroom teacher.

But any experience you go through in your life can be teaching you something. And often the most painful lessons are the most powerful and useful. I’ve paid my pain, so I refuse to let that go to waste. I will extract every iota of value I can from this time, so I don’t have to feel like it was wasted, or even poorly spent.

I’ve heard a phrase recently, perhaps from the positive psychology branch of things, “post traumatic growth.” It’s a relative of post traumatic stress disorder, but if I recall correctly it is referencing research into how traumatic events can lead to either outcome: a stress disorder, or growth. Depending on how it is framed, approached, and processed.

Makes me think of a phrase I’ve heard for a long time from various sources, “don’t play the victim” many times before in my life, nodded to it and gave it passing lip service, but it is an important thing to remember. Our lives are largely shaped by the story we tell. Bad things happen to everyone. Are you the protagonist in the story you’re telling, or the victim? If you take on the role of the victim, you get to not be responsible for things, so it feels safer in that way. You get to blame others for your life being bad. Unfortunately, you also give up the role of the hero, of the person who has control over their destiny. When you say, “it’s not my fault, it’s other people doing things to me.” You are implicitly saying, “I can’t make it better. Other people/things have to change to make it better.” Versus being the protagonist, where you are saying, “I get to choose things, my actions are what determines my outcome, and I do control those.”

Of course, the reality is more nuanced. Some people and circumstances really do make our lives more miserable. And things don’t always go as we plan, even when we do everything we can from our side. Believing that you have control over the outside world is not true. You can influence it, but you never control the outcome completely.

However, you can always control your interpretation and viewpoint, the story you tell about what’s happening, what it means. And you can control your actions. And doing so consciously, from that perspective of the protagonist, seems a lot more useful to yourself and others.

So that’s what I’m doing. I hope I get all the important lessons written down, while they’re fresh in my mind, so I can remind myself of them as time goes on.

Less than 8 days to go, at this point. I am ecstatic. Though I don’t think the summer is going to be all about me doing all the things I’ve been waiting to do. There will be some of that, but mixed with all the craziness of moving back home, getting the current house set up as a rental, and finding a new house. It may be months before I’m really settled down and working on things with focus. But I think the summer is going to be fun. If not unadulterated fun, then a mix of business and pleasure.

See you next week

Happily,

-Isaac