Blood donation truck = The ice cream man for vampires.
In other news: do you ever just feel bad without even knowing why sometimes? I guess that's a silly question. We're all human, we all do, every now and them. I guess I'm used to feeling good or neutral so much of the time that when I do feel genuinely bad, it startles me. Far cry from how it used to be, where the ratios were basically reversed.
I'd call this feeling right now...anxiety. It's the general feeling that I don't have enough time to do everything well, so I'm going to do a poor job on it all. I'm going to be unprepared, forget something, go to school without my pants, that kind of nightmare.
My first thought was: well, the anxiety and pain associated with procrastination generally goes away when we finally start doing something on the item we're procrastination on, so I'll do that. It worked a bit. But then I finished with one thing and it's back. maybe I've stopped working on the items I'm worried about. I'll get back to it after I finish this. (Which is perhaps more procrastination?)
But some of the items are kind of...risky to me. So it's hard to just sit down and do them. Not in an actually risky way. I live a rather boring life, from a novelist's perspective. Just that some of these things that I feel need doing are difficult. Either they involve conversations that are uncomfortable, or they involve doing things I have little experience with, and thus little confidence with.
I just remembered though, that this is exactly where I want to be, to learn my latest life lesson: comfort being uncomfortable. Trust. I do get excited when I notice an area that gets me all tied up in knots. It means there's some juicy learning to be done. Some part of me that's still fearful, that's still believing ghost stories I've told myself, like, "if I fail, I won't get another chance. (and/or people will hate me, or desert me.)"
These are silly when said so plainly, of course, but they don't go away until some situation triggers them, and they are real and in your face, not on a thought level, but on a gut, feeling level. Then you get the chance to see through them, to keep moving, to trust in spite of the fear. To hold the feelings with kindness and awareness and let them melt in the presence of truth, daylight. As the snow is melting all around me today.
This is challenging work, but it is made at least possible by the realization that it is work to be done. That there is something for me to do about it. Even if that something is as subtle as just holding the feelings in awareness rather than being swallowed by them.
I have my tools. Feeling the body. Passionate conversation with trees. Asking, "who is it that's feeling x?" Remembering that "this too shall pass." Numerous others. So I'll keep alternating between doing the work, and, when that's not working, doing awareness stuff. And, in a sense, the battle is already won. As soon as I became aware that this feeling is an opportunity to learn, it stopped being a problem and started being an opportunity. A challenge. With xp and treasure after I've succesfully overcome it.
That's all for this week. My solo teaching week is swift approaching. I suppose I'm glad it's so early in the semester. It will be a load off, once it's done, and I won't be doing it anywhere near the insanity of end of semester, when all my projects will be coming due.
I hope you are all well.
Peace, love, truth,
-Isaac
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