Death, self-compassion. Schools out! (soon)

I have a little checkpoint in my list-manager (where I try to keep all the things I need/want to do organized) that says, "check 'regular review' folder." It's a red folder, with scraps of paper, that have really good advice and reminders on them. It's been quite a while since I've gone through it, and I was prepared to throw out a lot of it. But I threw out almost nothing. There was a lot of good advice and inspiration in that folder.

I think I have a lot of good advice for myself, hard-won, and I tend to forget it. Or it gets mixed up with the less useful advice I have for myself. I give myself lots of advice. I like to think of it as being in continual beta. (not my analogy, but I like it.)

Beta testing is what game and software developers do when a program is mostly ready, to work out the bugs. They play with the program, test for bugs, and then report the bugs and glitches and inefficiencies, to the programmers, to be fixed. My life is in constant beta. I'm continually reflecting on how I'm doing and how I can improve.

Some people might think that's an unpleasant way to live, but that's only true if I get judgmental or impatient. The real truth is, I feel happiest when I give myself the time to reflect on what is working well and what is working poorly, and come up with possible solutions for the buggy areas.

I don't believe in final death, just bodies being discarded like old clothes so new ones can be put on, so death, though scary in a biological, visceral sense if faced with a hungry tiger, offers me no existential dread. Given a functionally immortal existence, the only true fear, as Marcus Aurelius put it, is, 'not death, but never having lived'. Though I might add "also, things being really awful for a long time."

Am I growing? Am I making my life more and more worthwhile? If so, then that is success, whatever the outcomes. If not, then I've just wasted my time, my life, this moment.

Here, I'll share a few of the tasty tidbits from the red folder:

In bold sharpie, on a bright pink sticky-note: Remain HUMBLE

A print-out of Bronnie's article on "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying"

Some notes on shame vs. guilt (too long to write it all out. Shame is focus on self, toxic, Guilt is focus on behavior, helpful, because you can do something about it.
Shame fertilizer: secrecy, silence, judgment.
Shame pesticide: Empathy ("me too") self-compassion, common humanity, mindfulness.

Notes on a one-on-one I had with God about how to do discipline with my kids.

Notes on an important lesson in a dream I had with God in it where I was going to the bathroom rather than talking to God.

Many more. But now time to go.


Also, I'm still sick, apparently. Though my head is much clearer. But I still am getting random stomach things. Though I tried sitting up straight instead of curling up into a ball and it went away. Possibly related?


Two more weeks of classes! Woo!
Then another two weeks of internship. Oh.
Also a week or so of finishing all the assignments. Um...

But! Winter break! No more assignments! Time to sleep and play and be warm and cuddled with friends and family!





Anyhoo! The next phase is soon approaching! I must figure out what it is! And buy plane tickets if I'm going anywhere.

Much love, dear friends and family,
-I