2nd degree quote

I've got several posts to make up. I don't even remember how many, at least two, maybe going on three, so this first one is just going to be a quote I got in a weekly email from James Clear. The quote is by Cheryl Strayed. Says something I know but sometimes forget, and says it in a articulate way:

"Don’t do what you know on a gut level to be the wrong thing to do. Don’t stay when you know you should go or go when you know you should stay. Don’t fight when you should hold steady or hold steady when you should fight. Don’t focus on the short-term fun instead of the long-term fall out. Don’t surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn’t true anymore. Don’t seek joy at all costs.

I know it’s hard to know what to do when you have a conflicting set of emotions and desires, but it’s not as hard as we pretend it is. Saying it’s hard is ultimately a justification to do whatever seems like the easiest thing to do—have the affair, stay at that horrible job, end a friendship over a slight, keep loving someone who treats you terribly. I don’t think there’s a single dumbass thing I’ve done in my adult life that I didn’t know was a dumbass thing to do while I was doing it. Even when I justified it to myself—as I did every damn time—the truest part of me knew I was doing the wrong thing. Always.

As the years pass, I’m learning how to better trust my gut and not do the wrong thing, but every so often I get a harsh reminder that I’ve still got work to do."

Source: Tiny Beautiful Things

A quick post about time

I'm a week behind again, and running out of time today as well, so I'm going to try for a haiku-esk brevity for this post.

One of the hardest things is when you are trying to do something difficult, new, and you fail at it, yet again, and you try to keep from getting discouraged and despondent, because you know that will only make it harder and life less enjoyable.

I'm trying to get better, trying to get really good, at time management and prioritization and organization. And I'm not very good at it yet. And I've been trying to get better at it for a while, and I keep making the same or similar mistakes. Forgetting to stick to my plan, getting side-tracked down little task-rabbit-holes that are compelling and urge me to finish them, even though they are largely irrelevant.

I've been thinking about what several people have said about goal pruning. The idea being you have to prune your ideas like a rose bush. You only have so much energy and time, not enough to do everything, so it behooves one to spend that energy and time where it is most valuable. What "valuable" means to each of us will be different, but the principal remains. And so, if you want to do things well, you need to accept not doing, or doing very poorly, other things.

At some point it would also be good to take an inventory of exactly how much time each of the things i'm doing is taking up, because there may be a few time hogs that are taking a lot of time, but are only medium importance. That would be good to know, because I could then cut those things, or set a time limit to them.

In any case, I know getting discouraged about failures is counter productive, but after the umpteenth failure, it is sometimes challenging to maintain positivity, hope, buoyancy, enthusiasm, in the face of it. Regardless, it needs to be done, but it's something that I still find challenging.

I'm excited about Christmas break, coming up next week!!! Though I'm going to try and spend more of it actually taking a break than I did with Thanksgiving, which I think will be good for me, but also just makes the despairing part of me that can't seem to get the time managment thing to work, despair more that I'll never have time to get on top of things. I think I have to let go a bit on my attachment to having myself organized and together. Some say the process of enlightenment is a process of step by step giving up attachments, so perhaps this is just one more attachment that needs to be let go of.

Addendum: Intensity

 Someone emailed me saying they were disturbed by what I wrote about intensity, and I figured perhaps some other people might have been as well, so I thought I'd clarify what I meant by it and what I've learned about it (and some of the pitfalls I took while figuriguring out what worked for me.

In addition, I've stopped writing out this disclaimer, but I used to put it at the start or end of most of my blogs, and have certainly said in the past that it applies to all of them: what I write is just my own, failable opinion, listen to your own inner wisdom. And in addition, no two paths are the same. Different people need to hear and practice different things at different times, to do otherwise would be like a doctor prescribing the same medication to every patient that came into her office. And in this day and age, personal living guru's are scarce, so the only one you can really rely on is the inner guru, the high consciousness within us all, our higher Self, the voice of wisdom within. If you want my personal spiritual advice, it's just that: pray, introspect, and get in touch with that higher wisdom within you, and do what it says. (Though as your learning to discern it from the rest of your mental chatter you especially need to exercise common sense, first and foremost.)

In any case: Intensity

- Intensity is not hurry. Hurry is antithetical to the Journey. That same spiritual luminary who said the thing about intensity also said: "Start early, drive slowly, arrive safely." Just like a workout routine, if you push too hard to quickly, you'll injure yourself and have to rest for a long time when you could have been training. So also:

- Intensity is not straining. We all have limits and respecting those limits is part of the humility, awareness, and balance that needs to be cultivated. Laziness is to be avoided, so is overexertion. It's not spiritual, it's egoic to overreach yourself and burn out. Ego under the guise of spirituality.

Intensity is, at least for me in regards to the spiritual path: intensity of focus, willingness. How fixedly are you focused on your goal, not getting distracted by other lesser goals? For the Gopi's, Krishna was everything; every thought, every word, every action, everything they saw, all they wanted, was Krishna, Krishna, Krishna. That is intensity. 

And how willing you are to listen to and act on the dictates of your inner Guru. (Or external Guru, if Krishna happens to be around). That takes, faith, humility, and courage, as well as deep honesty, when it's not a literal verbal command from a physical sadguru, but a calling from your conscience. And that also requires a degree of subtlety, awareness, and surrender, to be able to listen and hear that quiet voice within. Like following the needle on a compass, you make be following North with all intensity, but that requires a gentle touch, keeping the compass level, not shaking it or moving it violently, taking frequent moments to still yourself and check in that your continuing to follow where it points.

Back to Krishna, when Arjuna was with him one time, Krishna said it was night, and Arjuna immediately agreed with him, then Krishna playfully changed his mind, saying actually it was day, and again Arjuna agreed, affirming it was day. I'm not sure how many changes Krishna made in this story, but eventually he gently teased Arjuna for being so flighty in what he was believing it to be, day or night, and Arjuna replied something to the effect that he trusted Krishna implicitly, above even his own senses. And Krishna gave him the figurative thumbs up, saying, yeah, that's how a devotee is. 

Taking that to a more figurative and applicable level, that is trusting the inner wisdom more than the external. That's part of that Faith and willingness. But I suppose I should make the caveat again that a lot of people put the cart before the horse, pretending to follow their conscience when really they are just following the vagaries of their mind. Arjuna was eminently practical and effective in life. He was not a woo woo new age type person. Another thing that spiritual luminary said that stuck in my mind was common sense needs to come before divine sense. "Follow your inner guru" is not license to do anything your mind tells you. Getting clarity on that inner voice is a serious challenge and journey, and the chance of your monkey mind getting in the way and polluting the communication is always a possibility, so you can't ever get complacent.

Ah, there's a good word. Complacent. That's an opposite of Intensity.

- Intensity does not mean discomfort. It's not about gritting your teeth and trying to force your way through things. That would be like trying to crush the compass with your bare hand to force it to show you the right way, while running full speed in whichever direction the crushed compass was pointing.

- But neither does it mean comfort. Getting up in front of people and talking may not be comfortable, but it may be what needs to be done. Comfort often is chosen instead of what the inner voice indicates. It's one of the most common ways we go astray, and it's one of the reasons intensity is necessary. It is very easy to convince yourself that it's ok to not listen to your conscience just this once, when the direction it's pointing is uncomfortable, and there is a comfortable alternative just a short rationalization away. In that way, comfort can sometimes be an enemy to the path, and it's why often spiritual breakthroughs (Like Arjuna's) are triggered by a situation of profound discomfort (being forced to fight a war against your relatives and teachers, where you may have to kill them, in Arjuna's case) When we are comfortable, there is often no impulse to change things, and so the status quo remains the same. When there is discomfort, there is intense desire to change things, and so intense activity is undertaken. This is why I mentioned the Ramakrishna thing about your hair on fire or being underwater. The Buddha was the same way: seeing death and suffering and no solution, make him take drastic action that eventually led to Buddha-hood. You shouldn't seek our suffering in some masochistic attempt to make yourself "be spiritual." No life is free of suffering. You don't need to seek out extra, you'll get as much as you need. But rather than running from it, accept the gift within it: the motivation to seek a joy that does not end. The Gopi's intensity was due to their intense love and devotion. There was suffering there as well, when they felt that Krishna wasn't near, but ultimately it was about love. The same could be said for Arjuna: the love he had for his relatives and for Dharma were causing suffering because of the situation he was in.

- Another important pitfall I fell into and then learned from: happiness is a spiritual gate. Meaning, if you're walking around with a 'caster oil face,' (or a 'vinegar face' for those not familiar with caster oil) then you're doing it wrong. No matter how much meditation or prayer or devotional singing or charity you do, if you are miserable, resentful, angry, etc, then that is not true spirituality, and you're not going to be making much progress, and your certainly not going to attain God Realization. You don't do stuff that makes you miserable until finally you've done enough miserable stuff and God flicks the light switch on the back of your head and suddenly you're happy all the time. No, you make happiness, love, peace, gratitude, into a habit, and that gives you the spiritual strength for the journey you have to make.

Being unhappy is useful spiritually as well though: it is an excellent reminder that you need to stop and re-evaluate what you are doing, your habits of thought and belief, and see what is making you miserable, so you can change it. A spirituality that leaves you dour cold and dry is not a real spirituality, it's not going to take you to the goal, so it's a true waste of life. Better at least to enjoy your life, even if you don't do so in a "spiritual" way, because at least you'll have a joyful life to show for it at the end.

You can acquire certain mental (or physical) skills, even if you acquire them in an unpleasant way that makes you unhappy. Some of those skills you could call 'spiritual', like the ability to sit without moving, or chant something a lot of times, or even focus your will and intention in a way to achieve your worldly goals. Just like you can acquire any skill, regardless of whether your happy or not. But true spirituality is about greater and greater light in your life, and happiness is part and parcel of that. Rightness feels good, not bad. And like the biblical quote says, to those who have more will be given, and to those who have not, what they have will be taken away.

Seems unfair, but it's just a statement of fact. That's how things work. When you are happy, more and more things happen to make you happier: the way you behave attracts them. Same for being miserable.

Another caveat, that I would hope would be common sense, but I'll say it anyways: this in no way is saying someone who's had a tragedy happen, is 'unspiritual.' If you lose someone important, and are grieving, that's ok. Those are external events. Things. you have little to no controle over. What I'm talking about is how we process things, internally something we have much control of (perhaps indirectly. discussion for another time). 

Let's say external events are a 5 out of 10, in the "how good/bad is my life" scale. From that 5, maybe you're habits of thought and action turn that 5 into a 3, because you always look at what is lacking, you have no sense that everything is ultimately working for your good. Maybe you have a belief that the universe is out to get you, and the 5 becomes a 1. Or, you have a habit of gratitude and appreciation for what you have, and faith in the grand design of things, and the 5 becomes an 8. That's the part we can control. 

If you lose someone, then maybe external circumstances are a 1 out of 10 for a bit, and the unhappy person is at -1, and the happy person is at 3. Not happy, but not as unhappy, and likely faster to process the loss, in a healthy way. They still find things to be grateful for, still find time to laugh and play, and it's more important to have that when times are rough than ever.

Aaaand that's the post for this week. No personal updates, so perhaps I should add some: one day from school starting up again, and I'm already thinking about Christmas break. Honestly, I'm already thinking about 3 years from now, how I want it to look. I've just kept going, taking on more and more, setting myself up for never having enough time, and I'm sick of it. I'll take a pay cut if I need to, but I want a lighter load than I've had these last several years. Perhaps I won't need to wait that long. If my other teaching job is any indication, the load gets easier even without changing anything, once you've gained the basic skills for the job. The problem is I just keep adding new things to learn and switching things up. And honestly, I don't know if that's going to change, since kids are in my future at some point.

Hmm. Welp, I've already said it, figuring out this time thing is my next big task. I'll keep at it until it's working to my satisfaction. I did some praying yesterday about it and my current practice I'm trying out is leaving it all to God and trusting. Seems to be working pretty well, especially in terms of how it feels on the inside, which is really the only serious problem.

That is certainly something I recommend unequivocally: prayer. Not mindless repetition of a pre-written script, but heartfelt conversation with God. If something is wrong, if you need clarity or help with your problems, or just really want something, I'm not sure I know of anything I do that's more universally useful. It's too bad more people don't make use of it. Maybe they're not doing it right? It's not complicated, but it does help a lot of you talk from the heart. The more emotion behind what your saying, the more intensity ;-)  ,  the more powerful it is. Surrender and silence also help, when you're listening for an answer.

OK, goodbye folks, take care. I wish you a habit of gratitude and happiness and prayer.

Intensity. Time. Imagination.

 I'm a week behind on posting and very intent on getting a lot of things done, so this will be a very short one. I've been questing a little to get some clarity on what the root of the issue is with always feeling short on time and overwhelmed with things to do, and the latest bit of insight I've gotten is help with prioritization. Whatever I'm deciding to do, I'm going to try using my imagination to project myself forward in time, to see the repercussions of doing that thing. If it turns out the repercussions are not good, then I won't do that thing. It's a simple idea really: us humans have the fairly unique ability among animals to imagine and simulate probable futures with some degree of accuracy. So, is my online shopping really going to enrich my life, if I look into the future? Maybe not. Hopefully with this approach, I'll be able to stop doing things which I later regret, wishing I'd "used my time better."

In any case, we'll give it a try. After all, to a great extent, time management is about priority management. We all get the same number of hours each day. We can't increase that, no matter what. So the only way to 'get more time' is to carefully garden where you're spending your time.

Another little tidbit that's on my mind. I recently listened to a talk, from a devotee of my favorite spiritual luminary, and they asked the Guru, "what is the main thing that keeps people from God realization (meaning enlightenment, Self realization, Moksha, whatever you want to call it.) and the teachers response was, "lack of intensity." That really struck me, and i wrote it on a sticky note and put it on my desk to keep reminding myself of that. I grew up in a spiritual movement were thousands of people were earnestly seeking enlightenment, but strangely none of them were achieving it, myself included. As I think back on it, I can confirm that just about all of them were seeking it without great intensity. It was a relaxed kind of seeking. Certainly nothing like Ramakrishna's declaration that you need to be seeking enlightenment like a man who is on fire is seeking a lake to jump into, or like that same person, who is drowning underwater in that lake would be seeking air.

If I look at myself honestly, I must admit I also do not have that level of intensity, and so I need to do something to change that. That's where the sticky note comes from. It's to remind me to keep praying, for that intensity, and have that intention, to cultivate it. It also reminds me, that the times I've had many of my greatest spiritual breakthroughs, were during periods of great intensity of my search, so I can at least give an initial confirmation that the advice seems sound, as far as my limited experience goes.

Thanksgiving break countdown. Antibiotics. Learning to teach journal.

 I am eagerly awating my week long thanksgiving break. I wonder if people feel jelouse of  teachers long breaks, but they should not. I think perhaps we need them so we don't burn out.

I have mixed feelings about letting the cats into my office: one the one hand, they often do tremendously cute things, like right now, exploring in my messy closet and squeezing into empty nooks in a bookcase. Or jumping up onto my lap to cuddle. They fill the space with love and sweetness.

On the other hand, they shed a bunch and are to some degree tracking what's outside, in. And occasionally they've got a dingle berry or vomit time. So far not in my office, but is that just a matter of time?

I think overall it's clearly worth it for the cuteness and love. Though I currently have a "only when I'm in the office" policy with the cats, mostly to prevent them using the space as a place to vomit or drop off a dead animal they've caught. These are the kinds of reasons you don't want carpet. So much easier to clean up messes on a hardwood floor.

I think perhaps the best of both worlds is a nice plush rug that comes in neat, machine washable segments, so you can have softness on the floor, insulation during cold winters, but also ease of cleaning.

I already have too much on my plates, but I'd really like to start keeping a to-the-point journal about my journey towards mastery of the teaching skillset. I think if I do eventually want to do research and/or designing a training program for teachers, documenting the process I'm going through will be invaluable. It's like how I wished I'd kept a journal of what it was like to be a little kid so I could read it and step back into that perspective, so it would be easier to get into the shoes of the kids I'm in charge of.

In any case, I'm super excited about the free week ahead of me. I'm going to spend some of it having fun, but I'm also going to try and be super productive and finally get myself well organized and no longer messy. I would love to have that, going forward.

Also, I've had a persistent upper respiratory infection, and after trying to just get lots of rest and take some natural remedies, caved and got the antibiotics I'd been prescribed. I'm kind of doing it as a science experiment: what is it like to take antibiotics for what seems like a fairly mild thing, something non-life threatening, non-intense. Are there bad side effects? how effective is it?

So far: no bad side effects, and it seems to be working more thoroughly than any of my natural remedies. Which makes sense. taking antibiotics for an infection is like taking tylenol/ibuprofen for a headache, it's what western medicin does best, it's a medicine made specifically to address an acute issue, that has been thoroughly tested. It is, in these instances where everything is aligned, massively more effective than the slew of herbal 'natural' remedies for such things. I doubt I will use antibiotics with abandon though, as I'm concerned about adding to the antibiotic resistant bacteria that modern medicine is so worried about. But for now, I feel like it is kind of my responsibility to take it, if I'm not getting better on my own. I own it to my kids, workmates, spouse, to do something to make myself non-infectious, and it would be say to be sick through my whole break. I need my energy back so I can get some major work in.

Outside the comfort zone. Thankful for Thanksgiving.

Pretty sure I missed last weekend. Had a sore throat, got a free Covid test along with Suzannah, negative. Had to go to a doctor to get a note saying it was ok for me to go back to work, which I didn't mind, since it meant I had a little more time for all the stuff I want to do. Cleaned up the house and my office a bit, which feels good.

Teaching is a hard job, ya know? It sounds kind of trite, but it doesn't feel that way to me. Every day is a challenge, some days a big one. It's pretty cool though, in how much potential you have to positively affect people's lives. The question is, can you do it? Thinking that's a swell idea, and actually having the skills to guide these young people towards their better selves... is a big jump.

Also, I was just thinking today how it's funny, ending up as a teacher, or perhaps more as a teachers assistant currently. I always hated trying to convince people of things. I thought people often did really dumb things, and should change, but I didn't want the hassle of trying to change them myself. I didn't feel comfortable in that kind of coercive role. I'd rather just go about my own business. Perhaps one of the reasons I'm in this position is for me to grow out of that personal limitation. I think it's one of the reasons I started off as such a lax disciplinarian. I really don't like having to discipline other people. Welp, here I am, doing it. I think some of my job is me being placed where my skills are most needed and useful, but some of it is pushing me right past my comfort zones, making me grow and stretch in ways I would never do, left to my own devices.

OK, that's all ya get for now. I am reaaaaly looking forward to Thanksgiving break. There are so so many things I want to do, that I think I will finally have time for. Love to you if your my family and close friends and warm wishes for health safety and peace to all.

-I

Clarity intention focus action surrender

 I've got a really good track record, setting an intention for what I want, going for it, and getting it. So I think I really need to apply that to my next big hurdle, which is... something along the lines of time. I need either more time, or energy, or efficiency in my work... basically, I need to get done all the things I need/want to get done, and have a balanced life, with time for my relationships, time to refresh myself via play, etc, and time/energy to put into my professional career. And spiritual growth, I suppose. I may be missing things. The first step in getting/creating what you want is getting really clear about what that is, and this lack of clarity is obviously the first thing that needs to get rectified, and is indicative of why it's a problem. 

I feel a little sheepish about doing this since last time I set out to do this, I was successful, but the extra time kind of came in the form of the global pandemic. I can't take responsibility for that I suppose, just one of those synchronicities, though the universe may have shaped itself to my wish, it also was already doing that for its own reasons, and the occurrence itself was a message of encouragement and a bit of a joke. Yes, you have incredible power to manifest your desires, if you do it in the right way. The whole world will change for you. But at the same time, it's also that I had that thought and decided to take that action, right before the pandemic was scheduled to take place. No clear chicken and egg, just all planned out perfectly, both in the minute individual details and the harmony of those with the overarching pattern and plan.

In any case, I need to do that, and it starts with stopping complaining about not having enough time. (but doesn't end there.) I'll use the same protocol, in general, that I have for all the other big wishes I've had. I'll let you know how it goes.

I hope you all stay healthy and sane during the election.

Love and Light,

-I

P.S. the title in this case is a bullet-point summary of what that protocol is, though I doubt you could just take it and make it work from that alone. But to describe it in actionable detail is a much longer series of posts. And probably not worthwhile because it would just be the knowledge without someone holding your hand and kicking you into the pool (to start trying it for yourself) I think one of the biggest problems with self-help advice is it often makes you feel better just reading it and you never get to the consistent application of the principals necessary for meaningful change. (though other problems include the advice itself being faulty.)

Guts, Gottman, Ghosts

 This is the post for last Sunday. I'm busy. Teaching, especially when you are really trying to become a good teacher, requires a huge energy input and a lot of guts. Energy should be obvious, because kids are often exhausting when you're in charge of them. Guts because to improve you have to put yourself out there, take risks, do things that are uncomfortable, fail, humbly learn from your failures, rinse and repeat.

I will do it. I will learn, grow, and get good. And, there's a part of me that wants to help teachers like me: new, inexperienced and overwhelmed, looking for a viable pathway to become a big force for good in a lot of people's lives, but not sure how to get there. But first I need to be speaking from experience. There's a part of me that wonders if I will end up at least partly in the research side of things. I have a dream of doing, or being a part, bringing Gottman's approach to relationships, to teaching and teacher training. Only I'm not only or even primarily interested in academic growth, but im personal and character growth. I want good citizens, good people, coming out of our schools. Not just smart people. Good people. And happy people.

In any case, I think Gottman did a pretty good job of helping people do that with relationships, if they're willing to do the work. He has a nicely open, scientific approach to it, that feels less biased and more accurate than most relationship guru's advice. I want something like that for education, teacher training, and perhaps some of it can transfer down to parenting. Basically, there are plenty of people doing a really go job of this already, I just want to isolate out what the factors are that make them good teachers (or parents) and then refine a training method that will truly teach someone how to do these things, not in theory, but in reality, in actual practice. And probably the research will point to a lot of things that people are already doing well, and so my job would just be indicating what those things are and where gaps need to be filled.

In any case, I think that while teaching is extremely rewarding, I'm not using one of my biggest gifts : my love of research, and so I've got thoughts bubbling in the back of my brain, how to get the best of both worlds.

In any case, for now these are just daydreams, since I'll be doing what I'm currently doing for the next three years at least.

Also I'm maybe going to play the board game Mysterium with some friends via zoom, if we can figure out the logistics, this Halloween. I'll probably be the Ghost, which is a challenging but fun role. Hope you all have a good all hallows eve ;-)

Stay Safe, and pray for the election of a sane government.

-Isaac

Water Filtration, Terrible internet, Great Cats.

 I am aware that I am a week behind on my posts. As previously mentioned, you can safely assume this means I'm not just busy but overwhelmed with novel and challenging tasks and outside my normal comfortable routine.

I'm about to continue my long and challenging research into water filtration to make sure we are not slowly poisoning ourselves via the chemical cesspool in which we live. (or, let's be real, poisoning ourselves to the most limited degree we reasonably can.)

I'm typing this via a mobile hotspot with my iphone because att's "fiber optic super fast internet" is terrible. I despise it. It stops working probably every day on average. Often at the most inconvenient times. Unfortunately, I have yet to have time to address this issue, because more important issues require my attention. The water filter is more important because Suzannah has specifically asked me to prioritize getting it done so we can stop buying bottled water. But it's up there on my list. This problem also makes me angry at my mac computer, because it seems to be something wrong with the hardware. Sometimes my computer won't connect, sometimes, Suzannah's won't. So far, even when they don't connect, I can use my ipad. This means there is something about our computers plus the (probably low quality) router that ATT has foisted on us (another bout of aggravation, because the people involved said we could use our own router, only to later tell us that no, we needed to rent theirs for 10$ a month, but we could put our router on top of thiers, if we wanted to (which just seems like an additional layer of complexity to possibly go wrong...))

In any case and in better news, I'm not getting my ipad just yet because I have a cat curled up in my lap that I don't want to disturb, because they are very cute right there. Perhaps I should include a picture...

So I'm using my mobile hotspot to connect to the internet. I suppose I should be grateful that works. 

It seems weird to be angry at little things, when I have so much abundance and things to be grateful for. A home, a wonderful wife and pair of cats, a job where I get to be of service, a place to walk outside in nature. It's silly to complain. But it's kind of like with the kids I'm teaching. Of course you love them, but you don't let them get away with lying and being mean to each other or shirking responsibilities. Same thing with companies, it's not useful to carry a grudge, but they also shouldn't just be a given a free pass on irresponsible and dishonest business practices. 

But I digress, and I also need to get back to my water purification system research, so I'll see you either next week or tomorrow, depending on how much time I end up having. 

I suppose I'll sum up like this: work is a huge energy sink, it's exhausting, but it's a worthy pursuit, I really enjoy the kids, and love the opportunities to teach them life skills and how to grow into good human beings, beyond just the academic growth. I'm also excited as my office is coming together more and more (as I find little bits of time to work on it.) I feel like I have very little time, I fantasize about having a real break, or working part time. Being with Suzannah continues to be a dream come true, what I always wanted: to have my best friend as my life partner. 

OK, that's all for now, 

Bye,

-Isaac

Clutter, simplicity, my beloved extra storage room. Balance.

I saw a quarter cut out of the last donut at work and thought "you cowards." 

(In a joking way.)

The "who will eat the last piece" game always struck me as strange. You want the last piece, but you feel guilty taking it. However, if it's the second to last piece, you don't feel guilty. Why? Then again, perhaps it is a shrewd move: if someone else wanted the last piece, now they can't blame you for taking it, as long as there's a little bit left. Perhaps this isn't cowardice but keen social calculation. Hmm...

Today, finally, I have some time to do some unpacking and organizing. And of course, in the process of doing that, I am discovering all the missing things that I'd been searching for fruitlessly.

I used to get deeply frustrated at not being able to find things. Some would say, "Isaac, you're room is a mess, of course you can't find things." But often I would know exactly where I had put something, or one of the 4 locations it might be, and find it quite easily. It was when I didn't put it in an obvious spot, that it really frustrated me. Or when someone else moved it, likely in an attempt to try and help me live in less squalor. To want something, know you have it, and spend an hour looking for it unsuccessfully is to know impotent rage. I used to say I had a very unusual and difficult skill: I could hide things from myself really well. This is harder than it looks: one has to, without consciously realizing it, find a place so unlikely for something to be that no sane person would think to look there, then place that something there, then forget where you placed it, within 5-10 seconds. If you tired to do this intentionally, it would be close to impossible. I thought of it as my (useless) superpower.

I have since set up a pristine system, where like is all stored with like, and it is a matter of mere minutes to get any little item I might need, or know quickly if I am running low on it, or simply do not have it. It is the opposite feeling, to want something and know exactly where it is. I feel like a calm and effective machine, like an arrow speeding towards my destination. Things don't get misplaced because there is always a place for everything.

The move unexpectedly gave me another experience of order that opened up new possibilities to me: before I had unpacked anything, I set up my desk, and it was empty and facing a window. It was beautiful. The clean emptiness was so lovely and inviting, I realized what I'd been missing all these years, with my functional but cluttered desk.

I think I've mentioned this before, but having an extra, empty room to play with affords me a great luxury in experimentation: I can stash all my unneeded and infrequently needed stuff, outside my work space, where it can't clutter the area I'm working in.

In addition, I can play a little game, where I store things against one wall, and then, if I end up using them, move them somewhere else. This can help me find out what I actually use and what I do not. Though I've already done the konmari method with my stuff so there's never a huge amount I'm getting rid of at this point, when I go through my stuff.

In any case, I'm super happy to have a three day weekend, to catch up on stuff. And I've decided I want a very simple, pared down working space. I'd... theorized about this, before. As I daydreamed about my ideal office/workspace it was always a very minimalist room, with a large, nearby room for storage. I can confirm now that I do really like having that. It's not operational yet, but it's part of my plans.

Work continues apace. There is the work I'm paid for, the volunteer work, the work of moving into a new place, getting unpacked, organized, the work of learning the ropes of a new job, and the work of day to day living, keeping the chaos at bay. And making sure I recharge, and put attention and energy into my relationship. It's a lot, but I'm doing better than last week, especially with the extra day. I'm still working on finding the proper balance, and it still seems to me that involves getting really good at focusing on truly important tasks and ignoring those that are not, so I can also be resting and having enough leisure that I'm not exhausted and dour. 

So far I've rebalanced my the work/rest ratio so I'm not tired and irritable, but that puts me back to getting very little done, outside of my work hours. Still figuring out how to effectively do the second half, focusing mainly on the high priority tasks and not getting sidetracked by unimportant stuff. I think I'm improving at it, from having my attention on it, but it still needs more work.

OK, that's all for this week, on to the next thing.

-I out

Plan. Simplify. Rest Smart.

 OK, with this post I believe I'm finally going to be up to date and current with my blog. I'm feeling better after getting to sleep in a bit and play a bit and set up my shrine room. Being super exhausted makes everything else more difficult because it's like you have blinders on, you're in tunnel vision, and even if you know you should be thinking more holistically or not stressing out about X or Y thing that happened, you don't have the mental agility to do so. It's a negative downward spiral, bad decisions leading to further bad decisions, and the overwork leading to working inefficiently which leads to more overwork.

The only solution I can think of is drastic simplification. I need to be very aware of what the bottom line most necessary things are, and eliminate all the rest from my to do lists, for now. And probably also move them out of the way, physically, if possible so they are not constantly reminding me that they need to get done. I guess I'll try that and see if it helps at all, allows me a bit more time to rest. With that, I probably also need to block out recharge time in my life, so I don't let work creep into my whole day.

And finally, I need to make sure my recharge time is actually recharging me. Not all R&R is created equal. I need to figure out what it means for something to be high quality rest. What does that actually mean? I don't have the answers, but I guess I need to figure it out somehow. I'll do what I always do: research to find the best information I can, (in a time limited way) and then start testing the suggestions to see what actually works.

Not much more to report now. We'll see how the coming week goes.

tired and frustrated: moving in during a pandemic while working 10 hour days

 Still a week behind on the blogs. Still way to much on my plate. It will probably quiet down eventually.

I officially hate Lowes. We ordered a washer/dryer combo from them for delivery, and they missed  the delivery day, without even telling us, when we called about it they said they had rescheduled it. They missed that date without telling us... I may be getting the order of things mixed up a bit, but they then told us they didn't have the item any more (though when we ordered online it said they did.) and it had been transferred to another Lowe's store. Trying to call them we were put on hold for long periods of time, then disconnected, disconnected immediately, put on hold without getting to talk to any actual person, at least once the phone didn't even pick up, they may have just left it off the hook or something. We called again, second or third time missing delivery, and they said they didn't have the washer but they did have the dryer, which they would deliver that day. They did not. They said they'd deliver it the next day, they did not. Then they said it would be delivered two or three weeks later. I try to be a generally peaceful and forgiving person, but the incompetence of this chain is beyond my current, exhausted ability to let slide. I will not give them my money or business unless there is no other reasonable choice. Perhaps they are fine if you are just going into the store and buying something, I don't know. But anything involving their online store, delivery, or phone customer service is really poorly organized and I would strongly recommend you avoid it at all costs. We're currently trying Home Depot, which sounds like it has better organization and reliability. For that kind of stuff.

There have been a bunch of things like this, in this process of moving in. I suppose I have to allow somewhat for the craziness of being in a pandemic. But much of it is unrelated and unaffected by that. People are simply continually giving us false information and not fulfilling their word. It bothers me more than it perhaps should due to being profoundly exhausted. People tell me to take a break, but I don't want to take a break until I have some semblance of order in my house. Right now, everything takes ten times as long as it should because I don't know where things are. I just wanted to assemble a table, something which should have taken 4 minutes, and it was more like an hour, as I searched fruitlessly in several locations for the legs, then the little leg fastening devices, then the hex wrench, before finally finding them or remembering to ask Suzannah where they might be or using something else. It's demoralizing to want to do something important and simple and have it take an hour instead of 5 minutes. 

So I'm trying to get things set up to the point where it's more efficient. But every day I go to work for 10 hours doing emotionally demanding stuff and come home tired, and then have to do more work, trying to get it to a decent level of order, and that is also making me exhausted. If I don't do anything, I'm exhausted by trying to accomplish the smallest quality of life improvements. If I do something, I accomplish little and am also exhausted. And then dealing with the frustrations is additionally exhausting.

But what other option do I have? just throw everything in a pile on the floor and roll in it like a pig in it's filth? Disregard all my responsibilities, and just chillax, going counter to my values?

I'm trying to figure out some way I can meet my responsibilities and be working towards having a functional living situation and be taking enough time off to not run down and burn out, but figuring that out itself takes a good deal of time and energy, which just adds to the problem in the short run.

For now I just have to accept the fact that I'm exhausted and not very functional and kind of grouchy because of it, while I slowly work my way out of it.

Moving is not always this challenging, but because I had to be living out of my suitcase for two months, I had to break apart my nice system into ugly non-intuitive pieces, so I could bring what I thought would be necessary with me (along with all the heat-susceptible stuff I had to pack in the car rather than the moving pod.)

So, this week is exhausted, run down, and frustrated. I know I normally try and put a positive spin on things so the post isn't a downer, but I'm too exhausted run down and frustrated to do so. The best I can do is say I'll get through it like I always do the hard spots. I'm not dying or anything, it will all be fine. Don't tell me to take a break or take it easier because I don't see a viable way to do so more than I'm already attempting. And don't ask me to reassure you that I'm alright because that's just more work right now. I'm ok, I'll try and figure out if there's a way to get more rest, as soon as I get a chance to sit down and think about it. It's high on my priorities list, but there are a few more pressing things that need to happen first.

aaaand I'm late for my next thing.

A short post. Closing. Bank failure. Bank success. A new house!

 I'm two weeks behind and I have ten minutes to write both posts, so expect something short.

The reason I'm one week behind is, two weeks ago was moving and "closing" week. Closing is real estate slang for "signing the fifty sheets of paper that mean you now own the house and accept the responsibilities and the mortgage."

That week was strangely full of obstacles towards that end (and other house related stuff.) My bank wouldn't let me send a wire transfer without coming in, which was a headache. People weren't getting back to us in a reasonable time with the documents we needed to give them, so we were scrambling (mostly Suzannah, since I was working all day) to get all the documents needed. This was made more difficult for Suzannah since she was having to get documents of mine.

In any case, the problems got solved and we sent a mind boggling (to me) amount of money over to someone, and now I own my very first house. It's very nice. I've never spent close to this amount of money on anything. My cars have been hand-me-downs, so the most I've spent is on schooling, which somehow didn't seem like as much, perhaps because it was split up year by year and semester by semester. I suppose it's not so much considering the house is re-sellable. It's more like setting aside a chunk of money that I can later get back, like investing in stocks. Though in the same way, how much I get back is not certain (and it's likely to grow, in the long run).

I'm leaving my Connecticut bank, they were monumentally unhelpful, like, they literally failed me on every front. Their customer support, while friendly and trying to be helpful, gave incorrect information that caused a bunch of fruitless work on our part, they didn't help me in any way, so I am leaving them as soon as I get time. Which may be a while. But Suzannah's bank, from Iowa, was much more helpful, and they got things done. Perhaps because she knew her bankers by name. 

In any case, we've got the house now and I'm very excited to get to work using the space to figure out what I really want in an office and shrine room. (and to some extent in a house, in general)

OK, that's already over my allotted time, you'll have to find out about why this week's post is also delayed, later.

Take care ^_^

-Isaac

Training Weights. Closer to Closing. Life keeps going.

 I have worked a lot this weekend. Through all that work I am finally... hmm. at par? Not sure the right word. I've caught up with the various weekly life-admin tasks, organizational tasks, etc. Not entirely, but to within a reasonable tolerance. I've also made progress on some longer term goals. Figuring out appliances and office set up for the new house I'll be moving into soon. I've also taken care of some weekly tasks that were do imminently. I think the main person feeling this aside from myself is my wife, who is probably rather upset to be getting significantly less time with me this weekend than normal. I'm going to try to minimize this by making this a shorter post.

There are limited hours in the day. There is also variable levels of energy. Energy can be modified via technique. For example, by spending a bit more time clarifying and staying in touch with my motivating, overarching goals, I give myself more energy. By reading/listening to inspiring material, I give myself more energy. By spending quality time with people I love, I give myself more energy.

However, time is not so flexible. I can only accomplish so much in the given time, and so in order to get the most important things done, I must identify and prioritize them, and be willing to give up on the less important things.

Example, I tend to collect notes, to-do's, etc., on various slips of scrap paper. Many of the todo's are unimportant, but they take up mental space, and also physical space, acting as a camouflage to the truly important things that need to get done, because I can't quickly differentiate them.

So, for example, this weekend, I sat down and wrote out a short list of the most important things that I wanted to get done, from the larger list of everything that I wanted to get done. It gave me focus and a sense of satisfaction when those items were actually completed. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that, despite my yearning for a few months off to get caught up on all the little things, it may be an unknown length of time before I have that luxury. If I want my time and life to feel spacious, I have to figure out a way to do so, within my current constraints. To do that, I cannot manufacture more time, despite how much I may want a time-turner. The only other option is to prune. This is something true of design as well: if you have lots of things in a space, none of them are important. You don't notice any of them. They all become background. If you want to highlight a few of them, you have to remove the rest.

With life, if you want to excel at some things, if you want to put in the time necessary to do them well, you (I) may have to not spend time on other things.

Not all things are equally important, and if you don't consciously choose the things that matter, your environment will often dictate what you do, in a somewhat random manner, of what is calling at you loudest, or perhaps what is easiest.

It's nice having a pristine office, without distractions, but what is essential is a clean mind. A mind that can focus on what is important and ignore what is not. I'm learning this skill intentionally right now, because I don't have the luxury of setting up my physical space in an ideal way. Things are crowded... Though perhaps I can make my space less crowded as well. In any case, functioning under these less than ideal circumstances was kind of debilitating, until I took the time to refocus on my motivations, my goals. From that place of alignment and dynamism, the debilitations are becoming more like training weights. This is always an option, when you are presented with obstacles and challenges: take them as opportunities to learn, grow, improve, and they become assets to your ultimate development.

As the saying goes, if you want something done, it's the busiest people who are most likely to get it done. Busy meaning active, engaged in doing stuff full throttle, not full of busy-work. Getting stuff done breeds more getting stuff done, it's like a momentum you start to build up. I suspect it has to do with the inertia of getting started. That's the hardest part. But if you're already going, it's less work to just keep going.

School is continuing on, I'm slowly improving myself, my teaching and interacting. The house is moving towards closing. About two weeks until that's done (!). The cats are being cute. The wife is being wonderful and loving and keeping me from burning out and getting miserable as I tended to do when I was working hard by myself. Life is good, but quite challenging. I feel like the pandemic situation has been going on long enough that it's started to normalize.

That's dangerous. Don't let your guard down yet. Winter is coming. Stay safe and alert, especially when you notice complacency creeping in.

Love, wishing you all safety and health,

Isaac

the 9 to 5 grind. purpose, meaning, vision. flotsam or flowers?

Labor Day weekend! I must say I am quite looking forward to it. Something about that saddens me a little bit. To look forward to the weekend, rather than be excited about the week. It's something I thought about more when I was younger. I think it's epitomized in the Thoreau quote, (from memory, so perhaps slightly misquoted) "most people lead lives of quiet desperation"

What are you living for? As a kid and young adult in college, thinking about such things, and highly critical of the world, I looked at most people's lives: work to pay the bills, looking forward to vacation, play during your time off to try and recuperate from exhaustion, spend a few weeks every year enjoying intimate time with your friends and family. Eventually die, leaving not much of a mark one way or the other in the world, nor having grown much yourself.

The idea terrified me. I believe in an immortal soul that is eventually going to achieve union with Godhead, so death, at least day to day when it's far away, doesn't seem so terrifying. But stagnation does. To live and die with no meaning, nothing to show for your life beyond basic survival and comfort, is frightening to me. Perhaps especially so, since it seems so likely, since it happens to so many. I was terrified, but had no concrete plan for how to avoid it, just the desire to do so.

And I am now... 33, 34? Deeply into the middle of my life. I have goals, big things that I'd like to be accomplishing, but so do many people. How much action am I actually taking to achieve them? I see now, I understand how easy it is to fall into complacency. If you don't make hard choices and take hard actions, if you just let things drift as they may, then I can see how you can end up drifting into that standard, ultimately low-meaning lifestyle. Like flotsam from a river drifting into stagnant pools where they get stuck, slowly swirling around, never getting further downstream.

I often use my death as a perspective-giving tool: I look at my current life, imagining I'm spectating it from my deathbed, at the end of the inevitable results of my current actions. It's a good barometer for my actions. If doing that makes me feel uncomfortable, then I know I need to change things. If I feel satisfied from my deathbed, then I know I'm on the right track.

Because I'm regular about checking in on myself like that, it's hard to drift too far off course. Yet, it's still easy to slowly drift. Even when my goals are clear, I can find myself shying away from the harder work, the sacrifices of time and energy and self that will lead to a more fulfilling life, to a satisfied deathbed. Why? Right now, I feel like the biggest reason is lack of energy. It's hard to push out of the comfort zone, when your tired. And yet, energy is somewhat subjective. You can feel exhausted working on a boring task, and then as soon as it's time to play, become energized to keep playing till late into the night. Goals and visions are activated, or activate you, when they are given juice, made real for you, imminent. This can happen many ways. But the ways I can think of all involve getting your emotions into play. Your goal or vision must light you up, inspire you. Or you must visualize it in a way that activates your emotions.

I've learned how to do this but fallen out of practice. I think I need to climb back up into practice. At different points in my life I would take some time every day to connect with my goals and visions, and it was very helpful in directing and motivating my actions. But I've been busy and tired and the change of just about everything has disrupted my routines that were so helpful in keeping me linked to these practices. And my earlier work time coupled with waking up later means I have less time for these practices (at least if I want to do them in the morning, which is what my habit is).

It feels kind of pernicious, the workaday structure that leaves you without any time or energy to reflect and think about the bigger picture, to connect to your vision. But perhaps it's unfair to blame someone or something else. If you want something bad enough, you make time for it. You rarely really 'don't have enough time,' you just have chosen to do other things with your time.

Anyhoo, I'm going to go journal and pray or meditate or whatever seems useful to reconnect with my vision and goals now, and set up some index cards by my shrine so I can remind myself of them in the morning.

May all those that wish it, find and be connected to the goals and values that matter most to you, and take dynamic action towards them.

Warmth and encouragement towards living a life you feel good about,

Isaac

Work, Play, Inspiration, New Location, Learning, Teaching.

 OK, I only have 15 minutes to write this blog post, because then it will be 5 pm and I'm not allowed to work anymore. After 5 it's time to have fun with Suzannah. Up to 5 it was work time. I finished my CPR and First Aid recertification, had a planning session with my online co-teacher (the human values and spirituality class I teach on weekends which is starting up) and then called all the parents to say hello. Which, by the way, is something that in the past would be pretty outside my comfort zone. It still is, I suppose, but I did it anyways. I feel pretty good about that. It's a nice reminder how much I've grown in just the past year or two. I've mentioned this before; my ability to just do the work that needs to get done without drama or delay has vastly improved. It's super exciting for me, since it was a long time issue that I had and caused me much shame and consternation.

Moving on: great news: we found an awesome house, and we got it! The contracts are signed, and we are moving forward with the mortgage process, and should be moved in within the month! I think it's the best-feeling house we visited over the course of our whirlwind house-buying adventure, and there were other houses that were also good, so it's pretty great we're getting the one that seemed the best.

Though just recently Suzannah was reading through the homeowners association document which is over a hundred pages long and, as far as I can tell, feels like incarceration to her. It delineates the number and trunk width of trees that must be in the front lawn, along with the two approved types of grass. Any modifications made need to be submitted for approval by committee. Suzannah is not pleased. I can understand: I think landscaping and gardening is a form of creative expression for her, and this is like having severe rules placed on what you can create, as well as having to submit your plans for your art project to stern review before even getting to work on it. Not the best environment for creative expression. So we might have a more potted garden while there. Good thing we'll have plenty of space and light inside.

Work is going well. I'm learning the ropes, getting to teach some lessons, but doing more of an assisting role. It's a good way to ease into things. My mentor is super busy, but even just getting to chat for a few minutes once a week ends up being super inspiring for me. 

Right now this is just an idle thought, but I think it would be satisfying to learn how to be a master teacher, and then figure out how to train other people to be master teachers. In general, teacher training isn't doing a good job of that, I think, despite the best intentions and some wonderful teachers of teachers.

I can't wait to have a fully fledged office space. And just space in general. It is a fantasy of mine to have enough space and storage, that there is a place for everything, without being crowded or cluttered. I think that would make it much easier to put things away quickly, and easier to have things look nice. Uncluttered and beautiful. I can work, am working in pretty messy conditions, but it's like a constant, slightly unpleasant background noise, and it makes it hard to take on any large organizational tasks or changes, when I don't have the physical or mental space to do that planning and rearranging. I'm kind of in a holding pattern until that happens. Just maintain life support systems long enough to get into the proper house, then I can spend the time setting up my nice systems. It's not worth spending that time here at the airbnb, when I'll just be leaving again in a few weeks, and there's too much to do that's higher priority than that.

I think it's good practice though. I'm down to life-support essentials, work and play, which is it's own kind of minimalism. My physical space is cluttered, so it is a kind of mental discipline to keep my mental space clean and focused, despite that.

Even so, I think I could use a little time cleaning up my office this weekend. But not tonight! My times up for work! ^_^

Now it's time for play and relationship!

What a whirlwind. What a series of changes going on.

Until next week!

-I <3

Talking about not talking. Location, food, time for love.

 OK, I gave the big news in the last post, how about a more general update for this one. In some ways, it feels a bit like when I had a girlfriend (previously, not my now wife) and things weren't going well: I didn't want to share that with the world, because it was personal to her and though I was fine sharing what was going on with me, it seemed like an invasion of privacy to air that with the world, so I went a little quiet for those years. My current job at my school had a fairly lengthy and business-like contract to sign that included stuff about not sharing pretty much anything about the operations of the school. In business speak I think it's the idea of trade secrets and not wanting competitors to know how you run your business. And then there's the normal element of all schools, where you must protect the identity and info of the students. 

Between all that, I'm going to have to talk very generally about the school, if at all. (And obviously if there's something I really don't like about it (which there currently isn't and I don't foresee their being, this school is pretty great) there's no way I'm going to air that publicly on a blog. That's super unprofessional. So don't expect 'the dirt' here)

That said, to give a general idea, they are doing a good job easing me into this new job, though I suspect it's a bit more intense that it would be, without Covid going on. The staff are all really nice, cool people who are good at their jobs, the children are great to work with (but they still require work and attention, as I assume you'd have anywhere in the world.) And the school itself is lovely. The work environment itself is not stressful, which is great. It's long hours though, which I'm adjusting to fairly well. I miss having more morning time, but once we've moved and settled down, I'll figure out a routine that gives me all the time I need.

On to a few other things: our airbnb is in a very convenient location. There is an HEB (supermarket) about 2 minutes away, and a whole bunch of excellent restaurants about the same distance away. There's a jogging path right around where we're staying so it's easy to keep up that part of my routine. I'm prioritizing fun time with Suzannah during my free-time. It's mostly low-key activities, but I'm trying to make sure my relationship isn't suffering from me being away working so much of the time. It means less time at home to catch up on other work, and I'm still finding the balance there, but I think the quality of my relationship is a high priority and shouldn't get short-changed. This is all stuff I need to feel out and re-balance once life starts getting into more of a routine, but I think I'm doing pretty good right now in this ad-hoc situation. I'm glad I'm not in charge of more outside-the-job lesson planning right now, as it means I don't have much time pressure outside of class to be working, so I can be spending it with Suzannah.

OK, I definitely need to go now. It's 6:30 am so I need to give Suzu morning cuddles and get running. ^_^

Take care everyone. The crazy adventure continues.

-IO

Found a Home

 Again, it's been another two-week stint without a post. I'm trying to post now in the wee hours of the morning before I go to work.

The biggest news is more big news: we've found a house. We've been house-hunting for a while, and it's a bit of an exhausting process, when you're on a timeline. We could theoretically have stayed in the airbnb longer, but living in what amounts to a hotel out of a suitcase (if a very large hotel room and suitcase) is draining in it's own right. Our routines are disrupted, and that makes everything else harder as well. Everything is a bit uncomfortable, and it's not worth spending a lot of time to make it comfortable, since we'll be moving again shortly. I have only a makeshift system for organization, what goes where. And, as we're spending so much time viewing houses, as well as getting settled into the new job, with all the additional energy that requires, there's not much time/energy for organizing things and making it super tidy. It's about as good as it's going to get.

But we found a house we genuinely like (for a while we were vacillating between looking for that, or settling for something that was "sufficient.") and they accepted our offer. Actually, it's a bit of a story, where at first they didn't accept our offer (all the nice places we'd looked at were going off the market in a mater of a day or two after coming on, all with multiple offers, and, it seemed, a fair bit above list price) but this last weekend (as we continued to look at a whole bunch more houses) the other people backed out of their offer, and we put in a much better offer, and were accepted. This is exciting for two reasons: one, we got the house we really liked. One that we were unconsciously comparing all the other houses we looked at too. It's not perfect, but I suspect you have to start from the ground up to get something you think is perfect. It felt good to be in, the neighborhood felt good, it had everything we needed and then some.

So now we get to think about how we're going to set it up. I'm already dreaming of finally having an office that's not also my shrine room and and bedroom and storage room. Suzannah is looking at beds for when we move in. And it will still be a while before we move in. We're hoping we'll be able to move in a month from now. That's the timeline. That's about how long we have left in the Airbnb, plus a week for wiggle-room. It's a relief to not be thinking about what house we want anymore. I was spending much of my time visiting houses and there wasn't time for much else. Now I've got a little more time for some of the other things, like the online training courses I need to do for work.

OK, I've got to write two of these, so I'll stop here for this one, and start a second that is technically for this week, while this one is technically for last week (though the house thing just happened this last weekend.)

Arrival, Adaptation, Aspirations

 OK, onto post two, catching myself up from my late blog posts. Something about being on time rather than a week behind with my posts makes me feel relaxed. If I have time to catch up on posts, that must mean that the intensity has simmered down a bit. Of course, it would be easy to simmer down from the rolling boil of exams and moving, and starting new job, but I don't know if that's going to keep up. I think the school is starting out kind of slow and relaxed, as several students haven't arrived yet, and some of the teachers also haven't come back yet. Once things get rolling, it's likely it will heat up again. But it's too early to tell what to expect. I suppose if it's well designed it will get more intense at the rate that the teachers and staff can handle.

We've begun house hunting. It's amazing how many poorly designed houses there are. From poor architecture choices to poor design and style choices. It seems like someone could make a good living designing nice houses, but I guess they can also make a good living designing so-so and mediocre houses. But we did find at least one that was quite nice, inside and out (the outside, the nature, is perhaps as important to us as the inside.)

Saturday was a pure fun day. Well, a little work in the morning, but almost all fun together. Today, Sunday, was house hunting and a little fun and some work. This is the same issue I've had previously, that I've got a lot I'd like to get done, but by the time the weekend rolls around, I need a day to just recuperate, and then the next day is filled with life-admin stuff, and there is only a little bit of time for getting ahead on long-term important projects. Perhaps I should say energy, rather than time, since if I was a tireless robot or superhuman I could probably get it all done. Aspirations. In any case, I should finish up this blog post and get to some of the other things that need doing. Like cleaning up my room. One of the exciting things about house hunting is the idea that finally I'll have enough room for my office and storage stuff, so that my office looks as neat as I've always wanted. The ideal thrills my soul. Previously it's always been just barely contained. The thought of having enough space for everything is exciting. But perhaps the issue is systemic rather than environmental. (Meaning, maybe a bigger office with more storage won't fix things) I suppose I'll have the opportunity to find out!

Suzannah doesn't like the heat, or the various tasks she is having to do with finances and domestic type stuff, or being away from friends or family, or the city, and is generally having a bad time, though making a valiant effort to make the best of it. It's hard to get around the fact that we moved here so that I could work at a dream job. She would certainly have preferred to stay where she was. It's incumbent on me therefor, to make the very best of the learning opportunity I'm getting in working here. I think even more than that, I want to help her find some joy here. I'm not sure how yet, and it seems a bit overwhelming, but I haven't yet found a problem I couldn't eventually overcome with enough persistence and experimentation (and prayer).

OK, goodnight all! We're onto the very first chapters of a new book in the Isaac's Life series. ;-)

-IO

Arrival in Austin

OK, I've arrived! Actually, I arrived a week ago, but it's been crazy busy, so I'm only now getting a chance to post. (or rather, having an alignment of time and energy to post). I think I'm a week behind, so at some point I may split up this post into two posts, just so I can say I've kept up with a post a week.

So much has happened this summer. Oh my gosh. In the weeks and days leading up to the move, it kind of felt unreal. Could I really be moving across the country in the middle of a pandemic to start a new, demanding job? It seemed like a dream or a fleeting fancy. Even once I arrived, it still felt kind of unreal. Perhaps partly because I was so tired, everything felt a bit dreamlike.

There is a lot to tell. As I said, what a summer: together, me and my fiancee planned and executed a Covid wedding, and I finished my intense teacher training via online, and I studied for and passed (that's right, I passed the final test, I'm official, the diploma is in the mail. Though it's going to my Aunt's house because I have no permanent address yet...) ... my final tests. And packed up all my belongings (and helped a little with the general house belongings, but that was far and away Suzannah's hard work) and drove across the country with our two cats.

I thought I was going to have to start teaching the very next day, but wonderfully, I had two days to rest before diving in. Which was much, much needed.

This was a busy, busy summer. But I did it. I did it all. We did it (Suzannah and I).

But oh, it is not over. Not by a long shot. We're looking for a house to move into (another big thing that seems kind of like a dream or fictional story I read, not something that's really happening to me). And I'm learning the ropes of the job I'm in.

The job is a fascinating experience: the kids are wonderful. The facilities are wonderful, the co-workers and bosses are wonderful. The job is intense. I need to arrive by 7:20 every day, and leave at 5 (though I don't actually get to leave at five, since I have to disinfect everything once the final kids are gone at 5.)

This is longer than I've ever worked before, as a job. I'm getting up at 5am so I have at least a little time to do a 15 minute run and some meditation. I've worked other teaching jobs, like for student teaching, where I was getting up as early, but none where I was working this late. Also, as usual, I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I think this is just par for the course as a teacher starting up a class at the beginning of a year, but also it's expected, as a new teacher, learning all sorts of new things every day, trying to get up to speed. And then on top of that the long days. So, that is all just to say, by the end of the day I'm not capable of much higher order thinking.

And this is just doing a little teaching and mostly assisting. The other teacher who's going to come in is still in training for another week, so we're running on two people when we'd normally be running on three. We're making it work, it's just one more thing adding to the intensity of what's going on. Then in addition, we have a bunch of extra energy going into sanitation procedures, sanitizing all the high use surfaces and desks and chairs two to three times a day.

And of course, since I'm moving towards being a teacher rather than an assistant, I'll be picking up more teaching duties as we go along, I think, which means, though it should settle down somewhat in terms of the newness of the job, learning the ropes, more and more complexity is going to be added. Still, that's a more gentle on-ramp than most teachers get, where they're just thrown into teaching from day one and it's sink or swim.

OK, that should do it for part one. I'll continue this in part two.

Packin'

I don't belive I've posted this week. I've been packing almost non-stop, to try and be ready for tomorrow, Thursday the 30th when we are loading up our POD (which we will have to get to via a Uhaul, which we will have to load up first, and then drive to Cedar Rapids.) The POD was a less stressful option than driving a giant Uhaul which was also towing a car, but because they don't deliver to us (dag nabbit!) it's going to be the better part of a day,  taking our stuff the distance from home to POD.

Also, I've been trying to get a little studying in each day, since my final exam is coming up this saturday morning. And then that afternoon we pack up and drive out. And thus my super dynamic phase of life streak continues.

I love being with Suzannah. Even amid all the craziness, she makes it a fun adventure, full of love and laughter. I think the part that is the most unknown still, is how the cat's are going to handle the road trip.

Well, the next post you read will almost certainly be from Austin Texas! Take care dear one's, and much love.

-Isaac

The middle of exam season. A Season of change. Taco Seasoning.

Well. I just had my first day of exams, and it went very well, I think. But it was the easiest day, I suspect. Theory. It's a more squishy subject, so there's not so much to remember or forget in specific. I've always been good with theory. (It's only more recently that I've worked to get good at practice as well.)

In any case, encouraging. The real test will be the practical written examinations on Thursday and Friday. Those require having a fair memory of all the chapters of all our main albums. Some of the study has been pretty quick and easy, but there have been sections that are quite challenging.

I think one of the problems is the limits of my mnemonic devices, like peg lists and memory palaces. They work great, but if I've got twenty lists I need to memorize a day, I can't keep using the same lists/memory palaces, or they get muddy.

A second problem is what I'm doing is rather high order thinking actually, a bit different than rote memorization, and by the end of a full day, I'm a bit fried, and I can't do it very effectively. continuing to cram into the night, even the early night, is far less time effective. I need a less brain intensive method of studying for the evenings, when my brain is weak and jellow-y from the mental workout I've been giving it, and all my peg-lists and memory palaces are full.

But really, its not a problem that bears much solving. I don't know when I'll have a situation like this again, and it will be over one way or another by Friday, mid-day. That's the end of my second written exam.

After that, I've got a whole week to study for my oral exam, which is way more time than I'll need, especially since I've already been studying for it during my solo and group practice. Which is really good, because I've got that week, and that week alone, to pack up everything and get ready to go to Austin Texas. I asked if I could have a break, a sabbatical, before I started work, and they said they'd see what they could do, but when they got back to me, they said that I would be sorely needed right away. So I'm taking my final, oral exam in the morning, packing everything up (that's not already packed) in the afternoon to evening, and hitting the road with my wife and two cats early the next morning. We'll drive till we get there, and I'll start work the next day.

I am really excited about this job, in terms of the work atmosphere, and above all the mentorship I will hopefully be getting. But I was pretty excited at the prospect of a nice long break. Especially since I didn't think I'd be getting another chance to do something like that for a long time. Hopefully we'll get a summer or two. But I don't know how long we'll wait to have kids, and once that happens, I suspect rest will be about 18 years in coming.

This means that I must continue with my prior strategy of learning how to relax and get stuff done efficiently in the midst of intense activity. I suppose that is just as well. I prefer being fairly active. My break was mainly going to be attending to all the open-loop todo items that I've been putting off because of more immediately pressing demands, and then getting some time in on some longer standing aspirational projects and skills.

I think the key is figuring out how to get balanced with work and rest and play. There's a certain optimal ratio, and figuring out how to maintain that is perhaps a worthy goal. Though I suspect there are complexities, like the fact that when you're doing work that you love it often energizes rather than drains you.

So many big things are happening, have happened, this summer. I got married, I'm changing jobs, I'm moving to Texas, I'm living through a pandemic, I'm starting to work under my mentor. 

I'm only mentioning this because I wrote it in the title, but I've discovered that I love taco salad. I think part of it is the taco seasoning in the dressing.

OK, that's all for now. I'm gonna have dinner, and then see what kind of studying I can do that will still be useful. Maybe I can try creating some new memory palace rooms to use.

Good-bye for now ^_^

stay safe, live with love

-Isaac

Test prep, time calculations, morning cat petting.

It's almost the next week with nothing written for the previous week, so I'll remidy that in a quick manner. Hello. I'm Isaac Paul Schindler Nevas. I've got written exams next week. A few numbers I've crunched to figure out what rate I should be going at per day:

I'm skipping the written Theory Essays, as I've already reviewed those, and they need less memorization. I should be ok with those, though I will review them the day before the test.

Practical Essays are Thursday and Friday Next Week, so, that's about 5 days (the 6th day being for a broad review before the test).

Total number of presentations I need memorized (that are not already memorized) at least to the point where I can describe them in the essay with enough detail to give the general idea of what happens, the different steps: 

72 + 17 (the 17 are lower priority ones)

Chapters that I need to be able to list out sequences for most of the important presentations (anywhere from 1 to 20, usually around 5) if asked to do so: 

around 102 (+ the same 17 or so lower priority)

That means, in the next 5 days, I should cover, at minimum, 18 presentations and 20 sequences per day.

If I can discipline myself to take on average 5 minutes per item, that is about... 380, 190,  Lets say about 4 hours a day, with breaks. if it's 10 minutes per item, that's 8 hours a day.

So, rather than write a long Blog post, I think I should save my stamina for this goal and start getting to work (and timing how long it actually takes, since that's going to make a big difference)

I may update you briefly with my actual numbers later on this week, but I wouldn't expect any novels.

Oh, here's a little non-test tidbit: Our cats have gotten into the habit of coming over to my office in the late morning asking for pets. I make it a point to take a break and give them some love each day. Mostly it's been the quiet one, Reiko, but today Ume, the street smart independant one, came in, and tried to climb onto my back, so I guessed that she wanted to be picked up (usually she dislikes that and only tolerates it for a few moments) I was correct, and could feel her purring in my arms as I petted her and showed her around the house from the higher perspective. I've got the quiet one at the door to my office now, so it's time for a quick petting break, before diving into full-on test prep experimental routine mode.

See you on the other side.

-IO

The unspoken speech. Finally finals. The ring, the vow.

I'm quite busy, as it's kind of finals time for my school. Some pretty serious tests are happening in a week and a bit, and it's cram time, despite my best efforts to study diligently leading up to now. I've been doing a reasonable job, I didn't leave it for the last minute, but there's a lot of ground still to cover. I think it will get done and I'll be fine, I'll pass, but it's going to be a somewhat intense sprint.

So it's good I have something pre-written for you. Written on Sunday, in fact, or at least edited to it's final version in the morning. I wrote a speech, but, as I listened, decided to leave the speeches to friends and family, as it all seemed complete by the last one.

So, here it is, the secret speech, the unaired episode:

Wedding Speech

Gratitude: a list

-driving across the country during a pandemic

-growing incredible flowers for our wedding and arranging them 

-weaving flowers into garlands

-polishing silver,

-placing photos

-ironing shirts

-talking through logistics and plans for hours

-secretly obtaining addresses and then letters from friends and turning into a book

-staying up late after getting 2 hours of sleep to make a very special games night

-working on technology problems in 90 degree sun until things started to overheat

-organizing and performing a Vedic wedding, and wedding party in general, and playing matchmaker at the beginning of it all

-cooking a huge, homemade meal

-setting up, taking down, sitting around in the heat waiting

-consulting, offering guidance and expertise

-offering comfort and laughter when things were crazy

We feel like eggs in a nest, surrounded by warmth and gentleness, held in our togetherness by the active love of all of you around us. You weave together as family, friends, community, and give us strength, joy, support, in achieving our dreams. May our love combine with yours as part of this mutual web of support and caring. We all especially need it, when times are challenging.

(Hey future Isaac, how ya feeling right now?)

I get to live the adventure of life with my best friend. Someone I love and who I think is amazing and beautiful, and who thinks the same of me. (Maybe you wouldn't say beautiful.) That's what I've wanted more than anything since I was 5 years old and had my first intense puppy-dog crush. 

I look forward to growing old with you, laughing with you, playing games with you, sharing these times with our friends. growing together. Helping each other fulfill dreams.

You are nerdy in the best possible way, playful, smart, self-aware, humble, hardworking, funny, kind, giving. You care about doing what is right, about growth. You have great taste in friends. 

You make life more comfortable and yet also inspire and spur me to growth and action.

It's fascinating to be writing these words, at my desk, imagining what it will be like, standing at my own wedding. How ya doin', future me? (You can respond here)

But I'm not sure being married will feel too different than I've already felt. Why? 

Well, I've got a secret. It's probably not much of a secret to you. I have never been good at keeping secrets from you. But perhaps for some of the other people here:

Here's an  excerpt from an email I sent to Malinda and Devala. Thursday March 28th, 2019

"

...

But I just wanted to tell someone something, and you were the first person to came to mind. I want a record. It can be fun to make predictions, "oh, I think this will turn out this way." but unless you write it down, it's easy to change your memories of the past to fit your present. You know about false memories.

...

here's the thought, here's the reason for the name of the email.

From getting to know her, more and more, from the levels of feelings I'm having (not primarily the limerence happy brain chemicals, but the deep resonance, ease of being together, admiration, those kind of things. Plus, after last saturday, the base energetic physical attraction (not one of the most important things, but a nice bonus if it's that strong) the thought that came unbidden, in a kind of dumb grin playful glee, somehow not attached to it being true, but just tickled by it, was, 

"I find it hard to imagine how we could not end up marrying each other."

I realize that's a bit of an early call, and seems like maybe not the thing to say to someone you've just started dating, but who are we kidding, that kinda thought happens with lots of couples, silently you're thinking something similar, while your getting to know somebody. there are lots of tails about that kind of thing, that couples tell later on. when they realized s/he was the one ... I just wanna call it early, so I have proof it's not just a modified/made-up past memory.

"

[the title of the email was, "I'm calling it"]

I mention this not because I think my predictive powers are amazing, but to illustrate something: Suzannah was, is, so amazing, such a good fit, such a positive influence on me, that it was quickly, dumbly obvious that I should spend my life with her, if she also wanted that. 

 I think in this union, two givers found each other. It feels a bit like a fairly tail.

I want to briefly mention the symbology for me, of our rings, and then I'll end with a quote from something we read together early on and agreed sounded like good relationship advice.

These rings are made from the gold of an older ring. The important thing that happened with that ring, is that at some point, I took it off, held it up, and made my first real vow: I would not cease my explorations, I would not stop or be deterred, no matter what: I would seek and find the purpose of life, I would set my eye on what was most important, and let nothing get in the way. That was moments. That was the doorway into a life of magic. God responded to that total commitment, and things happened that I couldn't have believed, before experiencing them. 

Now I add a second vow, a second facet, to this determination. A second strand has joined my own. May my commitment to my highest interweave with yours. May I support you and your dreams, your brightest goals, as you support mine, and as they weave together in shared dreams. Let us not cease in our explorations, but hand in hand go further than we could alone, and when we arrive where we started, knowing the place for the first time, it will be all the richer, because we were enjoyed each step along the way, together.

...I don't think I need the other persons quote. Here is if anyone wants to read it.  (Leave photocopy on a table)

T-minus 4 days. Grit, pearls, life as a constant miracle.

Today I did things differently that I normally do. I wrote the title of the post first. Usually I just ramble on and then look at what I wrote and extract a title from it.

But it's very much on my mind that I have 4 days to go before I get married. 

This is such a fantastic thing. It's not that I'm super excited to get married. I'm already with Suzannah all day long. If I was going from being single to having that, then I'd be over the moon. But the fact of the matter is I'm already over the moon, every day, because I get to be with her, my best friend, every day. The marriage part is still really exciting though. What we have is wonderful, life affirming, life improving, delicious and delightful and good for me (which makes it even better than most desserts). Now with marriage, it gets to deepen. the wonderful experience gets to become even more so.

There is a Jewish song that keeps adding new entries and saying, "it would have been enough." Dai-ay-nu. It would have been enough, to just be with Suzannah. I didn't need marriage to make it worth doing. But as in so many ways, life keeps giving more. I think that's how gratitude works: you are grateful for what you have already, but that state of gratitude attracts more to you. Like joy. Also like anger, jealousy etc., so, careful which wolf you're feeding (see "the story of the two wolves" from any number of self-help books)

I suppose I should talk about the things mentioned in the title. Four days to go. That makes this blog post a bit historic. The last one, leading up to the marriage. We're getting stuff done, we're ordering stuff, there are some panic attacks, there are little walks to decompress, and we still did date night yesterday, and we still cuddle in the morning and at night. I called a bunch of people that I needed to connect with for logistics, emailed more.

I've noticed recently, I've gotten really good at doing what needs to get done, even when it's something that makes me a little uncomfortable. I think it's making me less uncomfortable than it used to, and I'm not letting myself pause to much, to overthink it. I see the task that needs to get done, recognize that it is the most important thing to do next, and do it. Or do it at the next appropriate time.

I think someone referred to this as getting 'momentum.' and it's an apt term. I feel like, as I continue to 'just do it' with the things I recognize as important, it's like a train picking up steam. I'm chugga chugging along, and I've also gotten in the habit of throwing important things in front of the train, to get done (rolled over, in this analogy) even when they're things that I shy away from, I don't give myself enough time to slow down and avoid it or talk myself out of it. It's there, I decide it needs to get done, and I set it as my next task. And then I do it. The being in motion itself is an antidote to the fear. It's that whole "anticipation is worse than the event" thing. I don't give myself a long time to anticipate it.

The main challenge remaining is more in the vein of staying aware of what all the important things are, so I know what to throw under the train next. This also gives me continual reminders that the unpleasant things that I don't want to do are actually not so bad, once I'm doing them. Which makes it easier to do the next hard thing. This momentum itself feels like high magic. It's another one of the now numerous things that make me look back at my past self and marvel at how far I've come. I don't think I could have believably imagined myself getting to this point, when I was in my most depressed teenage years. It would have seemed like pure fantasy.

That's not really why I wrote "life as constant miracle" though. The reason for that is... hard to describe in words. Maybe what I just talked about is a part of it. I've hungered to witness honest to goodness miracles since I first read autobiography of a yogi. But the state of my life these days, the process of living, the growth that is happening, how full my heart is, with appreciation, gratitude, the beauty of creation, the gifts of divinity, it is all so much, that it feels like the process of living has become a kind of miracle. I'm entering realms of high magic, even though I'm not levitating spoons. Spoon bending seems a bit trite, compared to this.

Action action action. That's my mantra for now. I don't recommend that mantra if you're a type A personality, but for my very tranquil, slow, contemplative personality, it's the perfect balance. Because it truly is balanced. I've got a pretty good lock on not overdoing the action side of things. I'm naturally all about silent contemplation. So the push into (Dharmic) action is like tempering the blade: you need those extremes meeting: cherry red steel and ice cold water. In that, you create a tool of unsurpassed strength and precision.

Grit and pearls. Really, I just liked the play on words of this. Pearls are created when some tiny bit of sand or other grit gets stuck in an oyster. It bothers the oyster, so the oyster secretes this beautiful pearlescent cement around the pearl. layer after layer, like the rings of a tree or an onion. Slowly, the Grit becomes something of great beauty. Angela Duckworth has written a book on her research into successful people, and what they have in common. The title of the book is the answer she found: "Grit." Grit is, in a nut-shell, the hot, steady burn of a passion that is merged with persistence. As opposed to the fireworks passion we may experience for a few weeks after a new year's vow to go to the gym every day, or the excitement we experience when discovering something new, that fades with the newness. 

Angela can measure peoples levels of grit with a fair degree of accuracy, and it is the highest correlate she found among successful people in all fields. She is particularly interested in it as applied to school and children. What if you could teach children grit? How much could you improve the lives of everyone, especially those who are most disadvantaged.

In any case, I haven't yet figured out how to fit all the pieces together into a clear narrative or pun, but having grit certainly produces pearls. Though grit is not an irritant. Maybe, "no grit, no pearls?" Maybe grit, like sand in an oyster, can feel uncomfortable at first? But as you keep building it up, with practice, it becomes a thing of great joy.

Sounds good. 

Next post will probably be a reflection on the wedding, I suppose. What big things are happening in my life these days.

Love to you all,

-Isaac