Haiku Catch-up pt. 3 Shaxberd, unscheduled time, ch-ch-ch-changes

Did you know Shakespeare fiddled around with the spelling of his name, spelling it over 80 different ways, according to two totally un-fact-checked (by me) online sources? I was just thinking about this as I spelled "catch-up" differently for the 3rd time. (I'd heard it before these sources, I just googled to make sure I wasn't mis-remembering, and to get a specific number)

One thing that has me hopeful for my current stretch of unscheduled time, over previous times in my life, is a new behavior. When presented with some time, and the realization that there is nothing pressing that needs to get done, what is your knee-jerk reaction and then your actual action? Previously, it would be to go off on some interesting or fun tangent or distraction. Currently, it is mostly to get working on something important to me. That feels like a rather profound, fundamental shift in my behavior, in a very positive direction. At some point (or perhaps gradually) over the last several years, its sunk in that it actually feels really good to get the things you want done, done.

Title reference explanation: ch-ch-ch-changes 

Haiku Catchup part 2 Worthiness. Clarity. Feel.

 Worthiness. Clarity. Feel.

It was many years ago, when I was pining for a girlfriend, during my undergraduate at MUM, (once MIU, now MIU again) that I heard the phrase, "first deserve, then desire" and decided to work to become the best boyfriend material I could be. It didn't work right away, there was a lot of other stuff to do, but when I eventually did find my now wife (and to an extent, even when I was doing some dating) I found that paid off. I was a good boyfriend (and eventually husband) and I think I was able to have such a wonderful relationship with relatively little friction, due to that work I put in.

Now as I work towards work I love, I've stumbled across a concept that reminds me of this one, though from a different angle. It goes something like, "raise your frequency to that of your goal." And right now I'm thinking that means, once I've got a sufficiently clear idea of what that work entails, I need to make sure I'm a person who could get that work, and be successful in it.

All this depends on clarity of my goal. Goals are better if they are specific. On the other hand, with something as big as "work I love", it is possible that many things about that work might look different than I imagine them looking, while still actually meeting my core criteria, so it's also important not to be too specific, in the wrong ways. I need to get clear on what is actually important, and what the energetic feel is, that I'm looking for. That seems generally analogous to what I did to find Suzannah.

I don't feel like I have that clarity yet, but I have been working on it, and I do feel like I'm getting closer. Once it feels sufficiently clear, it's time to start 'dating,' wherein I can make further adjustments based on experience.

Haiku Kat Katchup part 1

I've got... 5 weeks to catch up on, so I'm going to try some quick, slice of life, haiku-like posts to make the task manageable. Really it's all like my own personal superstition, like not stepping on cracks to avoid bad luck or something, but it gives me a little sense of closure and motivation to keep up the habit, even when I've been off it. So, #1 of 5.

Sitting in the living room of Suzannah's house, which we will probably be moved out of in the next month or two. Already the living room feels empty, with all the plants moved over, except our dieing bonzai tree. I'm on the couch, with a napping cat on either side of me. It is darling, how they just like being near us. When I try and work in the office, they will meow at me, as if to say, "hey, come work out here, so I can sit in your lap, or at least next to you. I miss you."

I was never really a pet person, but these cats are just so good and loving (though Ume is sometimes naughty) that they've earned my full affection. I think I'll go bury my face in they're warm fuzzy bellies now. ^_^

-IO

Letters from Japan, pt. 3

BLOG POST 3 (November 5/6th, plane ride back)

It is either 7:01 am or 10:01 pm, depending if we’re talking about where I’m arriving or where I’m coming from. I’m on the plane back. There is so much I could talk about, too much really. I’ll try and capture as much as I can as soon as I can, but before I do that, I want to get started on some other items. It feels like the beginning of another chapter. A work and dharma chapter. Though actually, it doesn’t feel like that is really going to start for another few weeks, as we’re about to buy our house, so that’s going to be a large amount of what’s happening when we get back. More moving, along with finance stuff, the actual buying, and getting the house fixed up and ready to move into. And maybe getting the house we’re moving out of ready for a renter. It was a good long time in Japan, I’m ready to come back and get to work. I’m excited about it really. I think I took way too many pictures, I made a bunch of work for myself now, as I have to go through them and delete all but the best, or one representative one, for the various things we’ve done.

You’ll have to excuse me as I end this post quickly, as I’m eager to get on to the journaling and planning for what is to come, when I have spare time aside from house and moving logistics, and more so once that quiets down.

Letters from Japan, pt. 2

BLOG POST 2 (Same day as previous post, October 16th)

I’m writing this on the plane, still, on a simple Mac wordpad program, because no wifi. Some of the views have also been awesome on the plane. The window itself is really cool. It’s nice and big and instead of a blind you can pull down, there is a button below the window that you can press, to… I think polarize the window to lesser or greater degrees? Not a hundred percent sure, but it goes from normal window, to window wearing very light sunglasses, all the way down to super dark sunglasses. Oh, and the movie screen has a privacy… something on it, so you can’t see your neighbors screen well. No one judging what you’re watching I guess?

Anyhoo, we passed over some beautiful mountain ranges in Wyoming, and a crazy blue lake, when I checked the flight map we got the part it was near….Grand Teton national park. I’m partially writing these here because as we looked out, I said we should visit the park. Then said it again, when we were passing over… I think it was Vancouver island. Beautiful mountains and sea.

Letters from Japan, pt. 1

October… either 15th, or 16th, depending on what time zone we’re talking about. It’s probably… well, we left around 11:30, and then we just kept flying with the Sun, so it’s kind of just staying around noon, and it will be a bit after noon when we arrive. Trippy. I guess whenever we pass the international date line… Right now we’re up around the arctic.

It’s been a crazy week! Crazy in a good way, but a flurry of activity, preparing for this very trip that we are now on. The Japanese airplane is amazing. It’s spacious, there is a large screen for each passenger, and a lot of legroom, and the bathrooms are spacious and clean and have a slow close toilet so it doesn’t slam down with a loud noise when you shut it, and if I read the signs correctly it actually has a bidet installed, which Suzannah confirmed. And often when I go, someone has re-folded the toilet paper ends into chevrons to look tidy. And it has a no-touch flush button, as does the sink. Also, the meal was delicious, though a bit light, and all the plane staff are super friendly and courteous.

I’ve been a fan of much of the Japanese culture that’s been imported to America, but so far it seems that the actual Japanese culture is even more appealing to me than I at first thought. There is a little bit of a down side, in that from what I heard they are sticklers for rules, so you’re unlikely to be able to talk to someone at a service counter or something into making an exception for you. It seems kind of intense. But the rest of it seems quite lovely. I suppose I should not start making proclamations about it on the plane ride over. But so far, just the plane ride has been great.

Aside from the headache and nausea. But I get a headache pretty much every time I get on a plane. Especially when it’s a longer flight. I wish I knew what caused it. The mild nausea is new, I wonder if it’s related to the headache, the airport food I had before getting on the plane, or something else. Just another symptom of too much flying.

I watched Spiderman far from home which was great, and Dr. Strange and the multiverses of madness, which was awful. It was fairly well done, but there was just so much murder. Someone just wanted to kill all our favorite heroes and wrote a multiverse script to make it happen. It had kind of a horror movie vibe. So much less interesting character interactions than the spider man movie, so much more about spectacle. It was good spectacle, interesting ideas, fun to see super heroes that get less time, but not fun to see them gruesomely killed.

I’m not really a fan of smash boom spectacle even when it’s not gruesome. I suspect the headache and nausea didn’t help its case.

OK, that’s probably enough for one week, I think I owe two at this point though. So I’ll write the next one as well.

Irony, Shame, and Self-compassion

 Wow. It's been a really long time since I posted. Over a month. Which means more like two months, given the Japan trip.

Good news about habits: if you have genuinely established a habit, it won't just die if you somehow get off the habit. The pathways (good or bad) are grooved into your brain, and that means that when/if you decide to pick it back up, the habit will return relatively easily. So, that's what I'm hoping will happen with this.

It's interesting and at first glace a bit ironic (never sure if I'm using that word correctly without checking.) that upon returning and having more time than every before, I'm less on top of things than I've been in a long while. I wonder why that is? Obviously, part of it is that I totally disrupted all my patterns and habits while on the trip, so its taking time to return to them.

A more subtle part seems to be what might be called "letting off steam." I've been so tightly wound for so long, that I'm just kinda taking it easy, enjoying my freedom, having fun.

Another part is something I've recognized for a long time, which is the tendency to not do much, when faced with an unstructured life without many rigorous, time sensitive goals. Or, even if there are good, specific, challenging goals, not having any external accountability.

I had thought that I was at a point where I wouldn't have to worry about this, but I think rather I'm at a point where I can handle and overcome it using my intelligence and the various tools I've learned, along with my improved self-confidence and self-kindness. However, that is not an instant fix, but rather a process of trial, reflection, and improvement. For instance, it strikes me that it might be useful to set up a method for social accountability to my goals. Perhaps via a twitter account where I post what I'm planning on getting done that day or something. We will see. Not yet sure how necessary it is, but it highlights why most people are happier with a job rather than unemployed, even without financial worries. (As long as the job is at least neutral, and probably even if it's slightly bad.)

Suzannah is away for the week, and I think just having another person in the house adds a level of social accountability, at least short term, as I was really playing around for the first few days of that. However, after two or three days, the euphoria of 'vacation' has worn off and I'm ready to get back to work. Though I was getting work done those past days as well. Cooking and cleaning and various time sensitive tasks. But not much of the longer-term important stuff, and my schedule has been way off. 

I think one of the biggest differences from previous times in my life, thought it's been growing for several years now, is just my self compassion and kindness. Being kind and respectful with myself, even when I'm doing stuff I maybe shouldn't be, is the best thing I've ever done, for reducing that kind of behaviour.

It's fascinating: shame about your actions is apparently the most powerful force in keeping you doing those actions. At least it apparently was, for me. I genuinely wanted to change though, so perhaps there are other more important factors for other people.

In any case, the cycle seems to go like this: Do fun stuff that you think you shouldn't be doing->feel ashamed about it->do more distracting stuff, to try and distract yourself from the shame.

Versus the new cycle: Do fun stuff->realize you should stop and do other stuff->do the other stuff

Now, if something seems like an actual issue, I can take action to fix it-in the past I've set up a screen time limit on my own computer to very positive results- but most of what I'm doing is, say, playing a fun video game, or listening to an audio book while I do chores or go for a walk, perhaps for longer than I should. Maybe staying up a bit late listening to it. This is not cataclysmic. Maybe I'd like to reduce my time spent on these things and/or or when I do them. But I've been equating it to eating too many sweets: yes, it's not good for me, and I should endeavour to change that habit. But no, it's not a sign of moral decrepitude and being an awful person. Just an unhealthy habit to change. And while I'm eating them, I might as well enjoy the process rather than be tormented about it.

And, coming from the other side, when taking a bad habit away, it's important to have good habits to replace them with, and often, the best way to do that is to crowd out the bad habits with good habits. Rather than focusing on trying to repress my impulses with all my might, only to build up pressure and eventually explode, better to focus on positive things I like to do, and get back to them as soon as I can.

In any case, those are my current thoughts. I'm going on a short journey next week, and I've got a couple of blog posts I wrote while in Japan, that I need to post, so that's what's coming up next.

Love yourself, be well,

-Isaac

Too much Stuff. Goal! The root of all (evil) shopping.

 One more thing, that I will separate into its own post, so I can call myself caught up on posts 😄

In an attempt to make sure I'm prepared for the trip, I've been doing a bunch of shopping. Some things I'm getting will make a big difference in comfort level for the trip. Some will make a small difference, and some are just things I've had on my list of "things to get someday" that I thought, well, I'm doing my shopping now anyways, lets just do this one as well.

However, somewhere along the line, I reached saturation levels, and then went beyond them. Like eating to much, to much consumerism, to much stuff, leads to feeling sick. Like a stomach ache for the soul. I'm reminded of an interesting scientific finding that I recently read about, that people who consciously choose to be ascetic, that is, very minimal in their possessions, tend to have higher levels of happiness and satisfaction with life. I can viscerally feel the truth of that. In addition to how much of my precious time it takes up. Not just the shopping, but the having, the sorting and putting away, the checking to make sure they work, the returning when they don't work. It's a lot of time, and that is time I'm not spending doing actually important things. Stuff is just, at best, a support for doing the things that actually matter to you. When they take up the time that you would be spending doing those actually important things, they are a net negative.

It's tricky to figure out where that line is. It is a bit of a intermittent reward scheme, in that sometimes you find something that works just right and you are really glad to have it. But many times, it's stuff you don't actually want, or never really use.

Perhaps this is just the same reaction of someone who's OD'ed on dessert over the holiday season and swears off sugar and overeating ever again, only to be back at it the next month, or week. But I am feeling a strong desire to seriously downsize. Moving is the perfect time to do it, since I'm not on a strict timeline, and not yet being employed is also the perfect time to do it, as it can take a lot of time to sort through all the stuff that's been accumulated.

All that said, there is still a thing or two I should probably get, though it's been nice to take a break from that to clean up the house, go through mail, send some time sensitive correspondence, and generally do other things that need to get done. One of the problems is, this is such short notice, that if I do want to get something, I need to do it now, in case it takes a while to ship to me. Having shoes that are comfortable for large amounts of walking is a definite plus for my kind of vacation, for example. On the other hand, I have shoes that are probably sufficient, if not great. Is it worth it to spend my time looking? Is it worth it to spend my time researching if there even is anything like what I want (I'm hard to find shoes for, since I like zero drop and flexible souls that let me feel the ground.) I'm leaning strongly towards 'no' and that feels like a relife, so it's probably correct.

Here's an interesting thing I noticed as I inquired into what was the deal with all the shopping I do: there's a fundamental sense of not being enough, that manifests in a specific way, that makes me want to make sure I'm 'prepared.' If I can just accept the fact that there is nobody I need to 'be' and I'm ok just as I am, reality is ok just as it is, then the compulsion fades and I'm left with contentment and appreciation for the moment.

Let's take that and stick it in my new soon to be flux-updated character sheet. (Gamer reference. Your 'character sheet' is a piece of paper (or a digital spreadsheet or such) that lists all your strengths, weaknesses, character traits, skills, and such.)

Alright! I'm caught up. Goooooal! as they say in soccer.

See you next time,

with gratitude, enjoyment and enthusiasm.

-Isaac

More stuff going on! Mentorship, Goals, and Consciously becoming who you want to be.

 Ah yes, I forgot to mention two other things, one, apparently it's much easier to re-write elements of our personalities and personal narratives, when we are in a state of flux, which happens when we have big life changes, like moving somewhere new, starting a new job or school, etc.

I'm about to have two of those, one really big one that is temporary, Japan, and another less extreme one that will be long term, moving into a new house. I'm planning on taking some of my time now, to think about what I might like to change about myself. Which leads me into my second point, in a few days I'm going to meet with someone who is very successful, teaching older kids in a way that is adjacent to what I think I'd like to be doing. He's going to be mentoring me. At least in the short run, with long run being determined by how that goes. One of the things he said, after responding that I could prepare by thinking about goals I'd like for near and distant time horizons, was that he was going to help me figure out the person I needed to become, to achieve those goals.

This is maybe a bit of an esoteric point, but I find it fascinating, that in genearl the best research on behavior change, healing and transformation on a mental plane, all point to identity as the most powerful factor. I've been interested in habit change for a long time, but a lot of what habit change is good for is facilitating identity change. Who we think we are, subconsciously as much (or more than) consciously, is perhaps the most strong factor within our control for influencing our behaviour in an automatic way.

So, this is a big question moving forward: what do I want in life, specifically? In work, love, life in general. And who do I need to be, to achieve those goals?

Fascinating questions. I'll try and keep you posted on the results.

OK, only one to go and I'm caught up!

-I Out

So much going on!

 Alright, some rather larger than normal announcements.

First and foremost, Japan just announced it's opening its borders to tourists, so Suzannah and I are going on our long postponed honeymoon to Japan! It's happening real soon! Like, in two weeks 😮

We'll be gone from October 16th through November 6th, so if I don't respond quickly to emails or texts, this is why. As for right now, I'm trying to get ready for the trip, researching where I might like to go and what I might like to do, so we can plan our itinerary a bit and find some hotels, or buy tickets, if there are things we need to do ahead of time. I'm hoping to have some time and flexibility to be spontaneous and explore and have adventures as well. We've gotten lots of good recommendations already, since many of Suzannah's workmates are from Japan (and in some way intersecting with the travel and tourism industry.)

So, that's awesome. I'm also trying to learn as much Japanese as I can in the few weeks I have before I leave (and I'll continue while I'm there. I should be able to do some immersion learning, right?)

Also, the house is finalized. We did the back and forth dance and inspection etc., and things seem pretty much settled. Closing set for a week or so after we get back from the Japan honeymoon.

So... a lot going on. As I said in the beginning.

I don't know that I'll have anything to top that until I get back and hopefully have some awesome stories to share. Suzannah is going to be writing an article about the trip for her work, so I'm planning to help out by writing down some of my experiences as well, along the way. It also means there's more incentive to take good and copious pictures, so we may have more pictures that our normal sparse documentation. I prefer having the experience to recording it, but I'm also coming to appreciate how much gets forgotten if it doesn't get recorded in some way. Just enough pictures to jog my memory, of things I want to remember.

OK, that's it for this post. Another week has passed, so I'm still two behind :D

-I Out

2/4 Catch-up, Cat discipline, House!

 Alright, #2 catch-up post. 

Perhaps I should mention why I'm so behind. Well, technically, I posted on Wednesday, so rather than 4 weeks behind I'm... oh, actually it's worse, it's 4 and a half weeks behind :D

Anyhoo, I couldn't post on the 27th or 28th, because I was packing and preparing furiously for the vision quest, and traveling there, and then actually doing it, same goes for the next weekend. Then I was spending time with Suzannah, and spending any spare time I could get, journaling, trying to capture everything I could about the vision quest, so it wouldn't be forgotten. Only partially successful there, there was just too much, and too much detail. But there is always the option for a clarification quest, so, all good. I wanted to spend that next week either being with Suzannah, letting her show me around her childhood vacation neighborhood and interacting with her extended and immediate family, or journaling.

Then I got home a week and a but ago, without Suzannah, and I wanted to continue Journaling whenever I could, but there was also stuff to take care of in the house, unpacking, cleaning, petting the kitties, convincing the picky-eater kitty to eat her non-preferential meat (I've been successful with that so far, see previous post on me being a good disciplinarian)

AND, I found (or more precisely our real estate agent found and I jumped on) a house! woo!

And, as I mentioned previously, getting back into the swing of things and being productive has been a steady process of improvement. So, here we are.

And, there I go, since it's time for my weekly lunch with my Aunt.

See you next time (which may be soon, since I'm only at 2 out of 4 catch-up)

-Isaac

1/4 catch-up. Timing myself to improve my efficiency. Life is a game, play it full-out!

 How many weeks has it been? The last post was August 24th, so that makes...about 4 weeks. Wow. OK, for my own rules-lawering satisfaction, I think that calls for 4 very short blog posts.

I'm going to make this one short via a timer I already started for 10 minutes. Why? Well, I've finally arrived at home base, after a summer of crazy moving and then a whole bunch of travel, culminating in an incredibly powerful vision quest experience and then slowly winding down with a bit of fun in Cape Cod and then a week and a bit by myself while Suzannah continued to travel and be with family. (A nephew's birthday elicited the last minute change in plans. Suzannah has a hard time saying no to cute nephews. She's remarked more than once that I'm probably going to be the former disciplinarian. I'd find this idea funny if it wasn't true, because before my odyssey into teaching, I was one of the most lax disciplinarians I could think of. As I've said before, good Dad training, if nothing else (though I do think it will be useful for other things relevant to my life. More on that... perhaps in another post.)

In any case, the timer came about during a morning reflection and brainstorming session. I'm back into the enviable situation of making my own hours and answering only to myself (and Suzannah, I guess). But that situation is not truly enviable. Only enviable to people who have not had the experience themselves for an extended period of time. Sitting around doing nothing actually feels kind of trash, turns out. Humans are designed to have goals and to work. Like car batteries go dead if you don't use them for a while, our souls kind of go dead if not given over to some vigorous work at least fairly regularly. Incidentally, my car battery did go dead and I had to jump it when I returned. Perhaps a good analogy, as I'm having to jump-start myself, and get back to the habits I developed previously, to make sure I was feeling good and staying active and focus, when I was on my own routine back in New York. 

I find it exciting and invigorating though. When things are not working, it's a chance to reflect, figure out what isn't working, and come up with an idea for a fix, and then try that fix out. It's the same kind of joy in improvement you get when playing a video game and dying repeatedly to the level boss, as you slowly try out strategies and get better and better until you beat them and get the satisfaction of doing so and getting to move on to the next level, knowing you're now much better at facing those kinds of enemies.

Welp, so much more to talk about, including my incredible vision quest experiences (though I'll only be sharing little tidbits, as the transformative action of the quest is best served by keeping the deepest core elements secret, and even some of the other elements, until they've had a chance to work their magic into my life.)

But my time is past up, so I'm signing off on this post.

Quest-ions

 I leave for my vision quest in 4+ days. So, my main focuses are:

- make sure I've got everything I need for the quest, packed and ready, including my travel plans, which are going to involve a fair bit of public transport

- make sure I've got the questions I want to bring into the quest, ready at hand, deeply thought about and researched

- prepare for my SSE online classes, with some lesson plans and activity ideas

So, aside from going through some simple todo's, I'm thinking deeply about what questions I want answered. In general what I want is obvious: I want a job, work, that I love.

But how can I get specific about that? the more specific the questions are, the more useful they will be. What constitutes a "good job"? I want to enjoy it, but I also want to be financially comfortable. Should I entertain the idea of doing something I'm good at but is ho-hum, part time, so I can do something I really enjoy, the rest of the time? or should I keep searching until I find something I enjoy that can also make me enough money to feel financially secure? And I also want to be doing something that is helping others. Will that need to be a separate consideration? Should I think about that after I've thought about what I enjoy? What about the role of working with my strengths? If I'm going to be useful to others, it makes sense to work with my strengths. Same for being financially secure. Using my strengths means I'll do a better job that average, probably.

In addition, how will I know if what I think is a good choice, actually is? My only clear way to figure that out is to try it, in some way. But if I'm taking the time to think about this a bunch, which I'm doing now, and planning to do in the vision quest, I'm not going to have the opportunity try out my hypothesis. Which will likely improve as I try them out and see, 'yes, this i really is enjoyable, no this actually isn't, yes, I am strong in this, no I actually am average in that.'

In addition to those questions, I'm thinking about what my underlying values are and why, thanks to a book called "The Pragmatists Guide to Life," which is offering some questions and thought experiments with the thesis that the most important and fundamental thing to identify is: what are your intrinsic values? Things you think are important for their own sake. And which are your highest values, that supersede the others?

Do I try and work this out before going into the vision quest, or just bring them in as well?

It's been a while since I really journaled voluminously, but I used to do it all the time, at length. I'm feeling like it is time to revisit that practice, to help me get some clarity in my thinking. I can't do it here, because it usually produces a very large quantity of materiaal, with no editing and often fragmented trains of thought, and may be very personal or potentially offensive. I don't think it would actually be offensive, but it definitely could be more personal than I'd like to share publicly, and just the act of writing something knowing it will be read by others changes what gets written.

But writing itself helps me organize my thoughts. I usually end up typing, because it's the only way to kind of keep up with my thinking, and I sometimes find it better than speaking, because I can look back at what I've written. Though often I don't. So, that's what's up next on the menu. I may not have a post next week, because I'll be in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, again. If I do post, it will be by Saturday, since I'm traveling Sunday. If you don't see it by then, you won't get anything until after the following Sunday.

See you later, where I can maybe tell you a little about my quest (though you're always supposed to keep some of it to yourself, not shared with others.)

Quest

 I am in beautiful Rehoboth beach, in a multi-million dollar house rental, (the rental isn't millions, but the zillow estimate is maybe 3 million for the house) with a multi-generational family (nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles and cousins and parents and wife.) All together helping to pay for the rental and the chef that makes dinners for us.

And I took today to fast and meditate and quest. The fast is to prepare for the 4-day fast involved in the vision quest coming up for me. The spiritual activities are to take advantage of the fasting, and also prepare for the activity of the quest, and to seek answers and clarity, just the the full quest itself is for.

Many would look at this externally and say, why are you wasting a day of paradise for deprivation. Not eating the delicious food, not having fun with family or at the beach. Or they would say, wow, that's intense, I couldn't do that.

The reality is, I'm not questing or fasting because I'm masochistic. I'm questing because questing is good. Fasting and prayer and meditation is food for the soul, when done right. After just a little of it, I feel a sense of peace and beauty and gratitude that is somewhat intense, and definitely outside what I experience in my everyday life. Even some clarity on deep questions I have about myself and my path.

Life is not all about doing easy pleasurable things. Eating and sleeping and playing games to pass the time. We all crave purpose, peace, love, and joy. Food, external things, will never give a lasting version of these. It's when we answer the deeper promptings of our heart and soul, that life really reveals it's sweetness. Like a flower blooming. Give, help others, for its own sake. Revel in the beauty of the world and dwell on all you have to be grateful for. Seek the spiritual font within for your primary joy and solace. Do what you know to be right, even when it's difficult.

There's a verse in the Bhagavad-Gita that goes something like, "for the wise, day appears as night, and night as day." It makes me think of this. Most of the world thinks the external things are "day" and will give them happiness. It's not totally wrong. You get some happiness from them, sometimes. But the wise know it is the internal that really is where to look for happiness. That is "day" for them. And each see's the other option as "night"

If you want to look externally for lasting or deep happiness and fulfilment, it's what I mentioned. Serving others for its own sake. Living a life based on righteousness, love, truth. Those values that are the external manifestations of the internal like within.

People maybe think I'm a little crazy, or if they're generous, just eccentric, but I think the same thing of them. And they'd probably think what I thought, if they'd experienced what I have. I did think what they thought, before I experienced it. I don't really think they're crazy or eccentric. I get why they act the way they do. 

I'm definitely not anything like done, but I've gotten enough experience to confirm the general hypothesis to my own satisfaction, and the main emotion that goes along with that, is just gratitude. And so, I am grateful for my little mini vision quest.

I think that's one of the differences, between my novice spirituality, and my now journeyman spirituality, is that I now do the spiritual work, because I like to. Because it feels right, and makes my life better, richer. Rather than, because somebody told me to, or I think I'm supposed to.

Makes me think of the habit formation advice for establishing an exercise routine. You need to choose a good "why" for your exercise. Not "so I'll look good in a swimsuit" or even "so I'll be healthy" but something more immediate, like "because I feel better after running" or "I have more energy for the rest of the day."

Anyways, the quest is done, all that's left is the night, which is actually kind of a lot more time to fast, but I'll probably be asleep for most of it.

Sacrifice is essential to life, and is not a bad thing. I sacrifice some food and comfort, for peace, clarity, meaning, and joy. What you have to remember is to look at the right time horizons. Most of the deeper satisfactions come after a period of struggle, when it's not fun. The easy pleasures are often like junk food. They taste good in the beginning, but later you get indigestion. The longer lasting pleasures are more like complex carbohydrates. They don't taste as good as candy, but they give you good energy throughout the day.

Good Night! Next time I'll have some stories from my trip to New York, probably.

Cleaning House. Packing Up.

This week is pretty simple: try and get the house in some kind of presentable order, with boxes not all over the place, for the house/cat sitter. And the house generally cat proof (and ant proof, as we've had some issues with ants in the kitchen. So far the diatomaceous earth is working, but I won't be able to do any more, if they find another way in.) Pack (which has a lot of sub categories because of how long we'll be gone and the different things I'll be doing). And take care of any other miscellaneous tasks I can't do once I'm on the road. I'll be gone for a full month, starting Thursday. That's two days away. Lot to do. So this one's a short one.

Back to cleaning up the house.

Take care, be well.

-I Out

House Hunt, Vacation Protocol, Time Tracking

 OK! I'm back, couples massage is tonight, looking at a house, also tonight. Probably too small, and too far out of town, but it's an area that, back in highschool, I remember seeing, and thinking, "this is the kind of place I'd like to live." Because it was beautiful nature, not too far from town, and had some neighbors, so it didn't feel super isolated. We'll see, I guess.

I'm back into the groove of things finally, starting to re-form my habits and routines that so increase my general happiness, wellbeing, and productivity. And, beginning to experiment and tweak things, once again. For example, I'm starting up time tracking once again. I'd done it in the past, and it was useful, though at some point, I got too busy to even check what my days actually looked like, so all the data tracking was useless.

But as long as you are actually looking at what you track, there is very strong scientific evidence that what you track, improves. Kind of like a more specific version of "what you put your attention on, grows." Except easier to measure, and so easier to prove scientifically. Weighing yourself leads to a higher likelihood of reducing your bodyweight, of that's a goal of yours. Tracking what you eat makes you more careful about what you eat. Tracking whether you exercise makes you more likely to exercise.

At least with exercise, I have personal experience. Tracking it was helpful (along with reducing the requirements I needed to meet to be successful, aka 2 minutes of sun salutes was sufficient) in establishing the habit of exercising every day. Once the habit was established, there was no longer any need to track it. Like brushing my teeth, I just felt a little incomplete, if I didn't do it. And if something happened to disrupt everything in my life, like moving did, it is easy to get back into the habit again.

I'm hoping tracking where I spend my time will help me spend it better, and do things more efficiently. It theoretically should, as long as I take the time to review and reflect briefly on the data every day. I'm excited about this, as I'm excited about lots of things I've been wanting to do previously but havent had the time for.

My routine is going to be repeatedly disrupted in a week and a half, because I'll be "on vacation" traveling around, seeing family and such. This is a good time to work on creating a modified "travel routine," a morning routine that can work with uncertain travel conditions and environment and often smaller amounts of time.

We also saw some land come on the market, that looked beautiful and spacious and in the right part of town that we wanted. BUT then I drove out there to double-check a hunch Suzanna had, and she was right: it was too close to the massive 4 lane highway that goes by town, and the sounds from it were too loud. I want to spend as much of my time outside the house as possible, or as close to outside as I can, and having constant car sounds as loud as the birds chirping is just unpleasant. But it was pretty close. Minus the car sounds, I think we would have jumped on it and started the long process towards building a house. And it was an exciting feeling. I think we both want to be done with the house hunt process. Especially since our current house feels a bit to small. Like wearing shoes that pinch at the toes or something. Except buying a new pair of shoes is a bit of a bigger deal, so it's worth waiting. But it will be a huge relief once we are truly settled in somewhere, can put all our stuff way in a neat and orderly way, somewhere we're not worried about it flooding or molding (like our basement) and take that big todo off our minds.

On the other had, the market is bad right now, so the longer it takes, the more likely it is to be a better move, financially.

Hopefully today, I'll get some stuff cleaned up, at least in my room. Not having ample storage space means it's harder to keep things clean, and harder to put things away, when your trying to tidy.

Still hopeful,

-I Out

Tracker, Covid, Division of Domestic Labor.

 This is going to be very short, because I am typing it on my phone.

Tested positive for Covid some time around Monday or Sunday night. The sore throat happened the previous week, but so minor I didn’t think it could have been Covid. So: couldn’t go to the first Tracker class, called them up and asked what do to. They said, since it would be more than ten days, if the symptoms were gone and I tested Negative on Friday, I could come to the second class, starting Sunday. Rested, took the first class via the live stream option (awesome class, had some profound aha’s) tested negative Friday, rebooked my tickets for the next day, and now I’m at my parent’s, about to drive out to class.

A bit of a whirlwind. Couples massage booked for Wednesday after I return.

If I have time, I’ll re-string the tent poles for my tent before I leave. Looking forward to being back in the pine barrens again.

Suzannah is feeling burnt out and overwhelmed, and I think resentful that I haven’t been carrying my weight with the various chores the last while. I feel a bit helpless since I was sick trying to rest and get better, and then doing the class, which was pretty much an all day thing. Nothing that can be done about the past, but the plan is to step up when I get back home and try to make sure things feel more equitable. What I’d like to do is take enough off her plate that she gets a chance to rest and play. We’ll see how it goes, that’s the plan.

Isaac out

Love!

Unpacking. Packing again. Tracker!

 Alright, gonna be a short one, but it's already the next week and I don't want to get further behind with these.

What I'm doing: unpacking, journaling, practicing time/blocking and general productivity a little bit, meditating, spending time with friends and family. Mostly unpacking type stuff.

However, today I'm going to start packing for my trip to the Pine Barrens of New Jersey, for my first in-person Tracker class in... at least 5 years, quite possibly more. Looking forward to it!

Other little things: 

- trying to get a couples massage for me and Suzannah as a well deserved relaxation break after doing the big move.

- Still looking at houses. And at building or modifying current dwelling.

There's more, but now it really is time to go and get down to packing. Gotta figure out if I'm Checking my bag or gate-checking it...

May you all be well, friends and family!

If I don't have another chance between now and Tuesday to write a second blog post, I'll see you in two weeks.

-I Out

Done. Now, rest.

End of Chapter. Three days ago, we arrived in Fairfield with giant uhaul and close to all our worldly possessions (which certainly feel like too much. Nothing like having to pack up and move everything you have, to make you keenly aware of how much you have and what a heavy burden it is.) We had been packing furiously in the 100-ish degree weather for two or three days before that. And trying to finish getting our stuff into boxes. We woke up at 3:30 am, finished loading the truck and car (a good friend who we paid to drive the truck was also helping load up the truck during the final frantic day.) put the cats in, and drove until around 9pm, to arrive back in Fairfield.

Two days ago, we woke up after a long well deserved sleep (but surprisingly not that long, I think we only slept in till about 7am.) We then had a leisurely morning until 10am-ish, when a group of super kind, thoughtful, helpful friends helped us quickly unload the uhaul, doing in a few hours what would have likely taken us the rest of the day and the next day after it. Then we had lunch to celebrate (we bought for everyone who helped out of course.) and I convalesced for the rest of the day. I don't remember what else happened, just fatigue. Yesterday, we returned the truck, ran a few errands, I took a nap in the afternoon for an hour, but it could have gone on for a few hours, but I had some fourth of July things to attend. Good food and friends, and then fireworks. then I slept in some more. That whole day (and the previous, especially after unloading) I was profoundly exhausted. I wanted to do nothing but sit quietly and stare off into nature. Almost shell shocked.

Today, I am back to work, though I slept in even later. About 8:30 I think. Though I also went to bed later, past 10:30, because of the fireworks.

The house does not feel like home, it feels like a storage shed for boxes and furniture mixed with a well kept abandoned house that I, as a hobo, am camping out in. There is still a number of things that need to get done. I have to pack for my upcoming trip to Vail, Colorado, for a spiritual retreat type thing. Packing is made abit more difficult, because finding just about anything is an ordeal. I need to go on a treasure hunt if I want anything I didn't pack specifically for immediate use.

And in regards to that, with any spare time and energy I have, I need to be figuring out how to more conveniently all the boxes and furniture that we won't need until we find and purchase our new, larger house. And in regards to that, we are continuing to look for and visit houses as they come on the market. And I also need to do some research about the feasibility of building a house, in case we can't find what we want.

And we still have some simple moving things we need to take care of. Changing our address on various things, mail forwarding, etc.

Even so, even with all of that, it feels like I've finally reached at least the beginning of a reprieve. I've been going hard for 5 years +. Now, finally, I'm starting to slow down a little bit. To have actual time to breath. I am deeply thankful for it. I sit here, on my couch, with our two kitties napping next to me, without anything deeply pressing that I need to complete. Without the need to rush. With the opportunity to choose what I wish to do, and do it. Or just to sit quietly and enjoy existence, enjoy the beauty and abundance and love around me. Something I love to do and think I'm quite good at. Something I haven't felt I had the time to do very often in the past several years. I do not need to rush. I do not need to do things I do not want to do. Within reason. I still have to put boxes away, pack for the trip, etc. But it doesn't not feel bad. It feels good. I do not have a job I dread, that I have to gird my loins for at the end of my short week or three day long break. I am free. I have gone once more into the breach, for the last time. We have held back the enemy, once again, and now, finally, the battle is over. We have survived. Peace has returned to the land. 

The long, forced march of the soldier, through dark  cloudy skies. over barren, muddy ground, with no end in sight, long past the point of exhaustion, is finally over. The halt has been called. The hope I had dared not hope for, is realized. I may sit, I may rest, and not just for a few moments, to catch my breath before continuing on for an unknown further length of time. I sit now in green forest, surrounded by natural beauty, with no further march called for. I have arrived at safety, shelter. A place to settle down and live in. I have a chance to create a work life that I don't dread going to every single day. I have a chance to do all the things I just didn't have time for before.

I paid a grave price over the last several years. Gray hairs, deteriorating eyesight, nervous twitches, and a general lack of energy or enthusiasm for life. It has been really, really hard. I don't want to cast any negative aspersions on the people I've worked with, adult and child. I've liked them. But I have hated work. Or maybe dreaded it is a more accurate word. I've wanted so badly to stop doing it. I pressed on, because I thought it showed weak character to quit, I pressed on because I was so sick of how I quit almost everything I ever started. I pressed on because I believed (and I'm quite angry at you, Cal Newport, for giving me this horrible, damaging, incorrect or at best half-baked idea) that if I just got good enough at something, which I could do with anything, then I would end up enjoying doing it. That doing so was a viable path to job satisfaction.

I don't think that view is wrong so much, as only half of what is necessary, and thus totally insufficient to actually achieve job satisfaction.

In yet another area of my life, I am now done listening to other people over and above my own internal wisdom and knowing. It's time to trust myself and my own internal guidance and direction. I hope I can take the lesson of this more holistically, and not wait for another awful several years in some area of my life, before I learn it for that as well. It's already happened for spirituality, relationships, and now job. How about I just say that's my MO in general, rather than having to re-learn it for everything.

I've got a lot of trips and journeys I'm doing this summer. I already mentioned the one I'm going to start packing for in Colorado, which I leave for this Thursday, but I also have a trip to meet up with my Tracker family, a few weeks later. Something I haven't done during the last 5 years of pain. And a relaxed family vacation, something else I haven't done during the last 5 years, I think. And finally, near the end of the summer, I'm doing a vision quest. Vision quests can be for seeking clarity on many things, but one of the original is to find out what your work is, in the world. Vision is somewhat synonymous with purpose or dharma, and I am specifically interested in what my vision is, in terms of work, but I think also a bit more broadly, in how I want to live my life.

I don't feel alone in this uncertainty and worry. In this unanswered question, "how do I live a good life?" It fills me with compassion to see so many of my friends also with this feeling of emptiness and/or anxiety, which they generally try to ignore or distract themselves from. But I can't help them if I can't help myself. 

Teaching was interesting, in that while it felt awful on many levels, I never worried that I was not doing something useful, that my life was meaningless. I had 30 to 40 dear little people who very much needed me, every day. And I was doing something that was clearly meaningful and in my own estimation, as important as you could possibly get. 

That's why I chose teaching. I went big on the premise that it didn't matter if you enjoyed it, that came with practice and mastery, so you might as well just pick something you thought was important. So I picked the thing I thought was most important of all. I still do. I still hope that I can find some permutation, that I do actually love to do. But I have discovered through great sacrifice, that you can't just choose anything and get good at it to love doing it. We all have predispositions, and that's something you need to take into account, when selecting work.

What that really specifically means, and how to find and clarify those dispositions, and find work where you get to lean on them, are things I plan on discovering, because I do not yet know them.

For now, the old sad story has ended, a new, happier one begins. Soon. But for now, rest, enjoyment, gratitude.

Still Packing! More Possum Magic.

 This morning when I went for my jog, I ran across a possum! it was around 9am (late start) and I was maybe 20 feet away from it, when It came out onto the sidewalk and paused. I stared at it, very surprised to see one out so late in the day, and so close to me. I went to get a picture of it on my phone, but by then it had already started running away from me, in the funny little waddle possums do. I jogged after it, as we were going the same way, until my turn came.

Then again, another close animal encounter a bit later, I jogged right past what I assume was a feral cat, sitting a few inches from the concrete walkway. It wasn't until I slowed my job and looked down at it, surprised that it had let me get within a foot of it, that it suddenly spun it's head around to look at me with mild alarm. However, I kept on jogging, and it went back to it's thing. It was still there when I came back a minute later, retracing my path.

What does it mean? If it's a sign, what is the sign? I know with the possum right before I saw it I was thinking with a bit of frustration at the spiritual organization that exists around Sai Baba, how some people keep splitting up the organization, doing weird things now that he's gone. It's frustrating to see what I judge as childish behavior, damaging the unity of something I've found value in. But that's me getting caught up in my own ego. Got to remind myself it's all part of the plan, just not my plan.

Continuing to pack! I'm so grateful to have the time to actually pack! I didn't have that last time, and the weight fell all on Suzannah. But now I'm at least taking care of my own stuff. It's going very slowly, even as I try and go quickly, but it is getting done, and it's nice to see the progress. I don't think I'll have any spare time for any of the other things I want to do, but I may have enough time to get the packing done on time, without crazy panic packing.

And now, back to it.

With Love,

I -Out

Packing!

This post is late. Why: we are packing like our life depends on it. We have until two Saturdays from now, about 8 days, to finish packing up the house and getting it ready for a renter. We are working with great focus, to get all the things done that need to get done.

Also, I'm flying out over the weekend, for about one and a half days, to get to a friends wedding reception in Pennsylvania. So I have even less, time, and need to pack for that as well. Today and/or tomorrow, because I'm leaving the house at around 4:20am, so packing last minute is a no-no. I need to go to bed super early.

Alright, that's all for now, next week will probably be similar, or even shorter, or maybe nothing at all, but you'll know what I'm doing.

Love!

-I

Rainbow Road, No Longer Home, Gratitude

Things sped up significantly the last few days, as we were packing up plants and getting ready for the first trip. It was a day to remember. Not a lot of sleep the night before, I was packing plants and my own stuff until maybe 10:30 or later, and then up by 4 am-ish to finish packing and moving the plants into the car yesterday. Then, we finally left around 7am, and arrived just a few minutes before midnight. I took two caffeine pills and three naps interspersed throughout the day.

I'm going to call it the "rainbow road" trip, after the mario kart racing course of the same name, because, after getting out into the empty country (Kansas and Nebraska) -which was lovely- we drove into a huge sporadic rainstorm, and saw so many different rainbows that I lost count. It was absolutely gorgeous, and fun, and adventurous, as we drove through the heavy parts of the rainstorm. And then the cool contrast, of bright rays of sun lighting up patches of bright green grass, amidst the dark gray shadows of the rainclouds, all around. And, though we were worried about the plants staying cool enough (which was the whole reason we got a van: the air conditioned cab was connected to the back part) I think they were all fine, and the rain meant it wasn't even that hot for much of the day.

I realized I really enjoy the peaceful part of cross country drives. Where it's just you on cruise control, going fast, through beautiful vistas, with few cars between, and easy passing. I listened to most of a book by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi on flow states, and then was just driving in silence for a long time, contemplating the big questions of my life and enjoying the scenery.

I'm kind of out of it today, unsurprisingly, but I'm taking it easy, so hopefully by tomorrow I'll be back to normal-ish. And I'm thoroughly enjoying it all. Thanks in large part to slowing down and not feeling rushed or crunched for time. 

I feel like these past 5 or so (maybe even 7?) years of intense activity have given me a deep appreciation for the time and freedom I had previously, but ended up... not exactly taking for granted, but not properly appreciating. Instead, I would be unhappy, feeling down on myself for not doing more. Now I am both more focused and disciplined, and more easy on myself, and much more prone to gratitude and not wasting time with negative ruminations.

It's interesting though, Fairfield no longer feels like home, coming back to it. I wonder if it's just time, or the fact that I'm not plugged into anything here anymore. I'll need to re-make it home, I guess.

We're going to see some houses, also, but not many, just because there are not many going on the market. Small town, slow market, and not a lot of promising options. We're considering building for that reason, but with supply chains still wobbly and contractors hard to find, we'll have to do some research to see if that's going to be even more of a headache than just waiting for something.

OK, I think that's all. I might just take another nap before our first house viewing of the visit.

Summer Break Beginnings

 We are partly through my first week... of Freedom! And Time! How is it? It's quite nice. I want more of it. I am continually reveling in the time I have, and grateful for it.

How much goofing off am I doing? A respectable amount. I'm still getting up early to meditate and run, and I am mostly working on things, though 'work' is a relative term, as some of that included researching to find my perfect (within reasonable prices) desk, security keys for 2-factor authentication, and plans for switching cell phone carriers. Which has just changed to switching my phone number, after noticing that I've been grandfathered into an older plan for Verizon that is super cheap because neither me or my mom uses much data. So, surprisingly, I wouldn't actually save that much money.

In any case, part of the inspiration for this was something someone said to Suzannah, about how they would never ever change their cell phone number, because there are so many things linked to that cell phone number, it would take forever to change them all. I happen to have a pretty awful number, in terms of being memorable, but I got a really good one, with google voice, and apparently I can transfer that google voice number, for a small fee. The biggest challenge will be the interim period, where I'm switching over all my numbers and contacts. BUT, if I can transfer my old verizon number to my google voice account, I can just have that forward to my new snazzy phone number. It's going to be a fair bit of time, getting it switched, but now's the time to do it, and it will make everybody happier, for me to have a more memorable number. Emergency calls and all that. And then never change my phone number again, as the person said.

I've finally just about caught up with time sensitive things that I needed to get done as fast as possible, so it's not time to settle into some of the important but longer-form work that needs to get done for moving. First cleaning up the house, then working through my year or so of neglected inbox, and then starting to pack things up. It's actually going to be a rather busy summer, with the move, so I don't see myself getting a real large open stretch until the end of summer, September-ish. Maybe later, if we choose then to go on a honeymoon :D

OK, off to work. Or rather, it looks like it's about lunch time. I'm trying to eat through the oversupply of food Suzannah left me with (never go shopping when you're hungry) so I have to actually cook.

Until next time!

-Happy Isaac

Checkpoint 0

 I am strangely subdued and introspective, as I begin my first afternoon post teaching job. In hindsight it was predictable, but the act of hugging tearful children telling me they didn't want me to leave and that they love me and will miss me is something that is hard to remain unmoved by. Especially since I love them too. I don't think I made the wrong choice, but it turns out it was not a totally easy choice to make.

I'm reminded of the movie I was recommended, called... I forget the beginning, but the rest was, "a yak in the classroom." I can relate, a bit.

I was expecting to dance and jump and shout "yes!" at the conclusion of this. But I'm not. However, perhaps there is a consolation prize. The fact that I have all these children who will be missing me, puts into more stark focus, what I choose to do with myself going forwards. I must at least be making as good use of my time, and helping people as much, as I would be, if I was still teaching. I don't really want to go back to teaching full time (though maybe part time?) so that is almost a punishment incentive. "how can you justify doing x, (say, binging netflix) when you could be in the classroom, helping students? If you can't do something better with your time, then just go back to teaching."

Or another way of looking at it, is looking at all my students, and asking the question; can I justify that what I am doing is worth leaving you all? That is a rather high standard. And that's good to have. As I've discovered previously, when in the nebulous state of not having a job, it is easy to drift, and for that most precious of resources, time, to slip away, wasted.

Honestly, case in point, this afternoon. was planning on writing this hours ago, but one email prompt lead to a research rabbit hole, and it's hours later that I finally concluded it. I think with a useful outcome, but, I think this outcome could have been reached about 3 times faster than it was, without loss of quality of decision, if I just had a more strict time restriction.

This is perhaps one of the things I need to remedy; how I will spend an excessive period of time, researching and thinking about the best course of action, when I would be better served by a truncated decision making process, moving more rapidly to action.

I'm not worried about this. I'll figure it out, and I think I'll figure it out quickly. I'm grateful for the time and freedom I now have, and also grateful for the perspective I've been given, on how precious my time truly is, and the motivation, to use it wisely.

I plan on being grateful and happy as a practice, as well as self compassionate. For whatever reason, it is so clear to me right now, how much of my experience (and everyone's experience) comes from their own thoughts, beliefs, limitations. I'm tired of hobbling myself with my thinking. I'm ready to fly and the runway is now clear. These coming days will be interesting. I'm curious to see what happens with my best intentions plus determination.

The End

 The end of one chapter, the beginning of another. My last week. As I’m writing this, 3.5 days remain. I’m going to have a few fun days, probably reading. Then I’ll get down to work. It will probably be a bit of time before I get the hang of my new schedule, but I am confident I’ll be able to figure it out so I’m working effectively and productively, not wasting time on unimportant tasks. And also taking care of life admin, and having some fun.

I’m really looking forward to cleaning and organizing my office and getting my inbox and task management system up to date.

Next update will be from the other side!

See you then,

-I

Paid for in a pound of flesh

 I’ve got a little subheading in one of my travel journals that I’ve just labeled “paid for in blood.” It’s a record of all the lessons I can think of, that I’ve learned from my time teaching. Teaching in general I suppose, but specifically over the last two years, and especially this last year where I’ve learned more than all the other years combined. Some of the lessons are about teaching, classroom management, lesson creation, child psychology, etc. Many are about more general things, like mental toughness, gratitude for the time and freedom I have, and the urgent need not to waste any of it.

The title comes from the fact that these lessons were bought in pain. Exhaustion, discomfort, stress, and a general lack of play and joy in my life. Not to be to down on my job, especially since this last year was exactly what I’d wanted, and was less stressful by far than any previous year, because I got to work directly with my mentor and share a class with her. But it was still draining, stressful, and not high in joy or play or deep satisfaction. Thus why I’m planning on leaving being a full time classroom teacher.

But any experience you go through in your life can be teaching you something. And often the most painful lessons are the most powerful and useful. I’ve paid my pain, so I refuse to let that go to waste. I will extract every iota of value I can from this time, so I don’t have to feel like it was wasted, or even poorly spent.

I’ve heard a phrase recently, perhaps from the positive psychology branch of things, “post traumatic growth.” It’s a relative of post traumatic stress disorder, but if I recall correctly it is referencing research into how traumatic events can lead to either outcome: a stress disorder, or growth. Depending on how it is framed, approached, and processed.

Makes me think of a phrase I’ve heard for a long time from various sources, “don’t play the victim” many times before in my life, nodded to it and gave it passing lip service, but it is an important thing to remember. Our lives are largely shaped by the story we tell. Bad things happen to everyone. Are you the protagonist in the story you’re telling, or the victim? If you take on the role of the victim, you get to not be responsible for things, so it feels safer in that way. You get to blame others for your life being bad. Unfortunately, you also give up the role of the hero, of the person who has control over their destiny. When you say, “it’s not my fault, it’s other people doing things to me.” You are implicitly saying, “I can’t make it better. Other people/things have to change to make it better.” Versus being the protagonist, where you are saying, “I get to choose things, my actions are what determines my outcome, and I do control those.”

Of course, the reality is more nuanced. Some people and circumstances really do make our lives more miserable. And things don’t always go as we plan, even when we do everything we can from our side. Believing that you have control over the outside world is not true. You can influence it, but you never control the outcome completely.

However, you can always control your interpretation and viewpoint, the story you tell about what’s happening, what it means. And you can control your actions. And doing so consciously, from that perspective of the protagonist, seems a lot more useful to yourself and others.

So that’s what I’m doing. I hope I get all the important lessons written down, while they’re fresh in my mind, so I can remind myself of them as time goes on.

Less than 8 days to go, at this point. I am ecstatic. Though I don’t think the summer is going to be all about me doing all the things I’ve been waiting to do. There will be some of that, but mixed with all the craziness of moving back home, getting the current house set up as a rental, and finding a new house. It may be months before I’m really settled down and working on things with focus. But I think the summer is going to be fun. If not unadulterated fun, then a mix of business and pleasure.

See you next week

Happily,

-Isaac

Actual Birthday

 I talked about birthday’s last week, but this week is the actual birthday week. Happy birthday to me. I think I’ll be 36? That seems old, but perhaps because I sometimes think of myself as 13 years old still. I feel like that’s about when my memory has general continuity and my brain and thinking were close to what it is now. Maybe that’s not true, but the memory makes it feel true.

Just a few minutes before lunch is over so I should be succinct. We’re planning on moving back into our old Fairfield house, so we don’t feel rushed in the search for a house that is a good fit. And reasonable price. That last point seems harder, since the market is so weird right now. So, houses are on our minds. Also, Suzannah just got offered a continuation of her sweet job situation, which gives her a difficult situation: we were planning on having some fun time after I left my job, perhaps the last long stretch before we start the parenthood adventure, but does she want to try and postpone the job and possibly lose it, or lose the opportunity to have some adventures together?

The end of my job is getting very close, so it’s not intimidating to think of the end date any more. But I’m still playing it week by week. I don’t want to check out before it’s actually over, and that requires being focused on the here and now, so my goal of “get through this week with dignitary and grace” (doing the best job I can) is still an effective one.

OK, signing off!

I Out

The best birthday present

 It’s getting close to my birthday, and my wife, being ever thoughtful and sweet, wants to know what she can get me or do for me for my birthday. But really, the best birthday present is simply going to be having time. And that will be given a few weeks after my official birthday. I don’t think I’ve felt like I had a spaciousness of time since the few months between finishing my masters in education and starting my teaching job, and before that, it was another year and a half of that program, back when I was in New York City. The idea of it is glorious.

I am… perhaps. Not worried, but cautious, of the free time, in the same way I was, leading up to the few months I had free after my masters, when I was finishing up my thesis and such, and Kon-Marie-ing everything at my parents house. (Which at that time was most of what I owned.)

It ended up being fine, or rather, much better than fine, but I was careful not to fall into a chaotic lack of routine, careful to have goals, and a spiritual anchor point that kept me focused and refreshed every day. With all of that, working, but not too hard, it was absolutely delicious. I don’t really like many forms of vacation. I like doing things, learning things, working on meaningful things. But that was the perfect form of vacation for me: working on meaningful projects, at my own pace, with plenty of time to do so, one a great routine, being productive, creative, well rested and exercise, and getting regular time in nature.

OK, looks like that’s all the time I have for now.

See ya next week. Continuing to get more excited about my upcoming “birthday present.” :D

-I Out

Finally close. House hunting. Friendsourcing.

 Not much time for this one today, and a lot to tell. I’m looking at houses in earnest, and also contemplating building, though I need to do more research on what that entails, in this crazy state of affairs, with supply chains still chaotic. Not a deluge of houses on the market, or coming on the market. But if I’m going to get something, I’d like it to be something we really like.

Finally getting towards wrapping up much of the goals I set for myself, like finishing teaching the SSEHV classes I need to complete my certification. (SSEHV is like my SSE classes, spiritual and values based stuff, but mainly values, leaving religion and spirituality unspoken, so it’s usable in places like public schools and with people who are not interested in Sai Baba or even necessarily religion.)

And it finally is actually feeling close to the end. I still think focusing one week at a time is better for the quality of my work, as I’m focusing present moment, but I do that anyways actually, there is not other option. It’s when I’m not at work that the thinking creeps in. But yeah, at this point, the amount of time seems very manageable. In fact, it’s starting to be more like, “oh, it’s coming up really fast!” Which is making me think more about houses. 

If we want a landing spot that has enough room and a dishwasher (my main essentials, at least for short term) we are starting to get to the end of our cushion room. Houses come on the market slowly, so there isn’t the kind of selection we got in and around Austin. We probably saw 30 houses in the month we were looking. I think we’ve been looking since… March? And we’ve seen maybe 10? So, a lot slower. We can always move back to our old house and make it work.

I should perhaps be enlisting the help of more of my friends back in Fairfield for help. Crowdsourcing via friends is how I found my wife, so I’m a fan of the method :D

I think I’ll end there since it’s getting towards the end of lunch, and the end of the week, and I’d have to think more to find more to say. So, bye for now, take care, and be well 

^_^

-Isaac

Getting Close (finally!). Houses.

 Maybe it was just the weekend talking, but it now feels like it is actually getting close to the end. Meaning it doesn’t inspire feelings of overwhelm to think about how far away the end is. Basically, 5 weeks until the final 3 day weekend, and then just one or two more weeks after that. That’s just the victory lap, I think, so this five weeks is the final stretch. I’m pushing hard, but not to exhaustion, helping input record keeping stuff, prepping and soon teaching the final 2 EHV lessons I need for certification, and wrapping up the SSE classes I volunteer teach on the weekends. Frankly, all of that should be over after the SSE Graduation Ceremony, in two weeks. So for the next three after that, I’ll have less that I’m doing after work, though work may be a bit more of a heavy lift, since it will be parent teacher conferences, so I’ll probably have a bunch of days where I’m running both classrooms. Maybe not? Perhaps I’ll get a sub to help out, but that usually only prevents the most egregious things from happening.

Also, the house hunt just started heating up. We got our first real contender, that caused us to pause and waffle back and forth for a while. It had really good location and land, and the house was nice. But the house was not ideal. Too small, too little light, and not really our style. It was hard to say no, but we have time, ultimately, so we can hold out for something where there’s no hesitation on it. It might mean we’re living in our old Fairfield house for a while though, which will feel a bit tight after the room we’ve had. Ironic then that we’re looking for even more room, but there you have it. 

Also, now that I’m finally really thinking about houses, I’m also starting to collect my list, of what I want, and don’t want. I think I’ve got a pretty clear list actually, and so the idea of building, which a few people have mentioned, is percolating as well, if we can’t find something that’s already there. The big questions with that are: is it going to be way more expensive than buying, because of the material shortages, and can we find land that hasn’t been built on, that’s in a location we want (in or near town)?

It’s fun to daydream about an ideal house. Even a realistic one.

OK, gotta go!

Take care,

-Isaac

Checkpoint 2

 Checkpoint 2

In order to break things down into manegable pieces, I broke up the entire second semester into what I thought were do-able pieces. From one break to another, even if it was just a three day weekend. I counted down, rather than up, so once I get to checkpoint 0, I will have crossed the finish line. This weekend was checkpoint 2, and the longest stretch of them all.

I was thinking, once I got here, that I could start thinking about the actual end of things, since it seemed like not that much time. However, being here now, I think I will maintain my weekly time horizon focus. Two months is still too much to think about, still an overwhelming thought. But on Friday nights and Saturdays, I can think about it. However, during the week I need my focus laser-like to make sure I’m doing a reasonable job at work. Teaching, at least for me, is a bit like an Olympic training regime. I need to be at the top of my game to put in the work required. A bad nights sleep or something distracting me emotionally, will train-wreck my performance.

There are lots of jobs where this is not the case. Where you can just ‘phone it in.’ Come in to work with a hangover, and not be worried about anything important going wrong. This is a blessing and a curse. The blessing part is obvious: you can relax. You’re tired and not functioning well, no biggie. The curse is that when not much is asked of you, not much is delivered. It’s the same reason science says it’s better to set goals that are doable, but a stretch for you to accomplish. The stretch mobilizes you to give it your best, to do more than you otherwise would. When your goals are too easy, it does not feel as satisfying, as you are not giving the world, your life, all that you have to give it.

There are different problems with jobs. Many jobs feel meaningless, or even detrimental to others. Many jobs are boring, or feel micromanaged to the point where you don’t have any autonomy. Teaching is never boring, and only occasionally micromanaged. And it generally feels like you are doing something important. The problem with teaching is in other categories. It demands so much of you, that it’s easy to get burnt out, or overwhelmed. And the importance is a double-edged blade, because when you are a new teacher and feel like you are not doing a good job, it feels like yes, your job matters, and unfortunately the difference you are making is a negative one, rather than a positive, which might feel even worse than making no difference at all. You are working three times as hard, to make less of a difference than people who are doing nothing at all. Doesn’t seem like a good trade.

Though probably there are people who get it and love it and are making a positive difference even from the get go. Just wasn’t me. Maybe now I’m making a positive difference, overall, with some things still negative, and many close to neutral. However, still burning me out, though perhaps a bit less so.

I’m still very busy. I’m mainly focusing on finishing the things I need to do for completion of my EHV certification (which has to do with teaching good values and such, and is indeed a passion of mine) since those are things that will be much easier to do, while teaching, since I’ve got a captive audience and don’t have to go looking for one. Those are pretty much my two or three main goals, for the rest of the year:

1) keep doing a good job at work. Give it my all, don’t get senioritis.

2) finish the EHV certification.

3) keep my head above water with basic life admin stuff.

That’s it. I figure, keep it simple and focused, I can worry about other stuff once I’m done with the job. Though I do have some trips and stuff where I have to do things ahead of time, like buying plane tickets, but I’m just grouping that in with life admin.

Time to go!

-I Out

Spring Awakening

 Spring Awakening

I think there was a play by that name. I don’t recall any of the specifics, but I think it was supposed to be kind of weird. Didn’t see it myself, just heard about it.

In any case, last night, I took a walk around the block, and was floored by the gentle beauty of the spring sunset. A strong but warm breeze, all the new leafs just starting to grow out, a colored sky, and a sense of peace. I was just allowing myself to take time to enjoy, and it opened something in me that had been shut down a bit. The ability to enjoy and love doing things. I felt like I got back in touch with that a bit. It was nice. It reminded me that there were, are, things that I love to do. That give me deep satisfaction.

Ultimately, I’d like a job where I’m doing something I love, that uses my gifts to be of best service to the world. I think that’s what I was trying to do, being a teacher, as I thought that was the most important job for the world, perhaps tied with being a parent. But then, just recently, I came to the conclusion that being a teacher is not a good fit for everyone, and didn’t seem like it was a good fit for me. At least a traditional teacher. I do like teaching, but there are a lot of other things I’m really not a fan of, that are required to be your standard classroom teacher. I have deep respect for the people who can do this, but I don’t think I’m a great fit for that position. So I need to get a clear sense of what the things are that I do love to do, so I can then triangulate how I can get paid to do those things, and how I can do those things in a way that utilizes my unique gifts to best effect in serving the world. The first step of that, I think, is getting clear on what I love to do. So it’s nice to see that getting started.

On the other hand, I’ve just been confronted with the truisms of “happiness isn’t doing what you like, but liking what you do.” And the idea that no external things will bring you lasting happiness. However, as I like to come back to, the example of my relationship, and my friendships in general, are a clear counterpoint. They very simply make my life better. Maybe not every second, but on the whole. And nearly everything is at worst a net neutral, while the vast majority is a plus. I think having a job I like is a similar category. I think it will make my general experience significantly better. I can’t rely on it for lasting happiness, but it’s ok to ask for and get.

I suppose the point to remember is that ultimately the game that’s going to get me the most important things is the internal game, the spiritual journey, which can happen no matter the outer circumstances.

OK, that’s all the time I have, bye for this week!

-I Out

A short one. (Two minutes)

 Only about… two minutes for this weeks post.

Still trying to get to the rest of my tax stuff and EHV certification stuff.

The one week at a time is working. I can make it, at this rate and via this method.

There is a lot to do. Time time time. Soon there will be more of it, and I will be in ecstasy.

OK, that’s my two minutes. Bye for now.

-Isaac

Stockdale, One Week at a Time, Mental Toughness

 - Newsletter: 90% done. (Waiting for pictures to add)

- Taxes: Unknown, but as done as I could get them currently, still waiting for some documents and some advice, but done from my side.

- EHV certification: no further progress currently

- General upkeep: my room and desk are still a mess, but I did vacuum. Doing so-so.

I apologize if my blog posts have been boring or depressing, these last few years. But I’d say it’s an accurate representation of my life. I’ve been struggling with many of the same things, mostly unhappily, in regards to my work. My relationship is wonderful, but there isn’t much time or energy to do anything that interesting or adventurous. I’m constantly grateful for it, and I’d be doing a lot worse without it, but overall I’m still not happy with my life, since most of it is spent doing a job that exhausts me and I feel bad at and fundamentally incompatible with. There are several elements of the job that I really care about though, which kept me going when it was rough, and even now when I don’t see any hope of my experience fundamentally changing, keeps me here through the end of the year. 

I love the kids. I love my mentor. I love teaching, especially stuff that falls under the ‘life skills’ or ‘spirituality’ category. Hopefully I’ll be able to do something that involves those things afterwards, but doesn’t involve much of the things that really bring me down, like discipline, classroom management, multi-tasking, and… not sure what to call it… I just notice that good teachers are consistently moving all their kids forwards on all the different important subjects at a good pace, and I don’t feel like I do that very well. A mixture of organization, time-efficiency, curriculum savvy, motivation/accountability, discipline, and maybe some other stuff as well. Probably part of why I don’t do it well is I don’t fully understand what’s necessary to do it well.

Anyhoo. Report on my technique from last week, of focusing on one week at a time: mixed results, but I will continue, with a tweak. First, I didn’t have time last time to mention the source of the idea, which was basically the mental toughness training of Navy SEALs and other such programs, especially during their ‘hell week(s).’ They all have an initial period of extreme intensity, which is kind of designed to weed out those that don’t have the commitment necessary. What many of them say who make it through is that you need to set your goals small enough that it seems manageable. ‘Let me just get through the next day/hour/ten minutes/pushup.’ However small you need to make it to seem possible. 

There is a catch though, that I came up against. Along with that idea, I also was imagining “what if this was my last week here?” That thought gave me a sense of freedom and relaxation, along with a willingness to focus and go hard. It worked until I got to the end of the week, and it wasn’t actually the last week. Then it felt far worse. It makes me think of the Stockdale paradox, named for a… sergeant? General? I don’t remember exactly, but Stockdale and a bunch of other U.S. solders were in a prison camp, far from home. Stockdale ended up being something of a leader to the rest of the men, and what he observed was, the ones who survived till the end, had faith that they would make it, but also believed it would be hard and take a while. Those who didn’t have any faith that they’d make it, died. Those that had faith that they’d make it out soon, also died. At first they were enthusiastic, but once the day they had set in their mind as when they’d be free by came around, and they were still in the prison camp, they were crestfallen. After several of those disappointments, they died too. It was mainly those who had faith, but also reality (that it would likely be a long time before they got out) were able to sustain the motivation to keep themselves going, until they finally were released.

So I am continuing the ‘one week at a time’ goal, but removing the imagined thought that this will be the last week. My goal is just to get through this next week, with honor and grace. That is, doing my job to the best of my ability, and enjoying my life to the best of my ability (and learning as much as I can from my time here.) That seems best. I also reminded myself that everything is ether something to be enjoyed, or something to learn from. “What is this teaching me?” Is a fruitful question, in my current situation. I’d explain why and what I’m learning from it, but it’s time to go. Goodbye for this week,

-Isaac

One week at a time.

-Taxes

-EHV Certification

-General upkeep

-Monthly newsletter

These are my main todo's on deck right now.

I've been playing around with various approaches to deal with the extended Sunday night blues I was feeling starting Thursday. (It was spring break, and the longer my break, the longer I spend being sad that it's about to end, usually.) So far, I've meditated and prayed and come up with some things to focus on as goals for the next few months, and approaches to take. But I'm out of time so I'll just share one that came from a different source. I discovered that if I just think about one week at a time, it's much more bearable. So, all I have to do is get through this one week. That's my frame, anyways.

Sorry, out of time!

Bye for now,

-Isaac

The Last Homely House, Saint Crispin.

 I'm on spring break this week, and it feels like the last comfort before I plunge in to the final 3 month stretch of intensity with my job. This is known to anyone who reads my blog with any regularity, but I work too many hours, and I am exhausted at the end of the day, partly because of the hours, partly the nature of the job, but I think mainly because it's not a good match for me. Enforcing discipline and multitasking and being constantly socially "on" is not my forte, and it's what I do all day every day. There's probably more and maybe I'm not capturing the essence of what makes me dread going to work every Monday, but let's move on. 

The mixture of lack of time and lack of energy means very little gets done, aside from keeping my head above water. A week long break like this is the only chance to get ahead, to pick up my messy office, to take on some of the interesting projects I've been wanting to do that require longer stretches of time to accomplish.

It feels like the fellowship of the ring stopping at Rivendell, just ahead of the dark riders, for a brief breather, before continuing on into the wilds and uncertainty of the dangerous quest.

I've got two more three day weekends, but really only one that will help, since the last one is just a week before the end of school. But three day weekends are just enough time to do a little something fun with Suzannah and convalesce to full recovery, not make any headway on anything new.

So, I begin the work and preparation part of my spring break with trepidation, worried I won't get all the things laid in place that I want to get done. If I don't do it now, then that's it. There are realistically no more opportunities until the job ends and the ring is cast into the fires of Mount Doom. Really I just have one major thing that needs to get done, so perhaps I should focus my efforts on that, but I would really like to get my office a little cleaner and my todo's collected into one place so I can have some confidence that I'm not forgetting something important.

I suspect that when I finally get to the end, I won't have the energy to properly celebrate. It will be like someone crawling through the desert, finally reaching the oasis. I will let my head fall into the pellucid waters, and drink with my head flopped halfway underwater, before rolling over, coughing, and passing out. It may take a few days to switch out of the mindset of the determined soldier, marching against the wind, focusing only on taking one more step at a time. The end is as yet too far away to be encouraging to think about. Perhaps when it is two or three weeks away, I can start looking forward to it.

Hmm. Thinking about it that way, perhaps I will get excited around then, and it will be the run of the desert go-er who has spotted an oasis on the horizon, for the last bit of time. 

I suppose there is a little difference being three months out. I'm willing to go a bit harder than I otherwise would. I know that I will be able to rest in a few months, so if I push a little extra hard now, it will be alright. I can forgo some play and relaxation during this break, so I can set plans in motion for my education and learning over the next few months. I still need to pace myself, but I can set a somewhat faster pace.

OK, here we go. Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more into the breach. And perhaps soon will be Saint Crispin's Day.

-I Out

Reframing, Service, Unknown Causes

 I’ve been unusually tip-able in the last two days. Easier to get irritated or flustered or down. Not really sure why. 

I’m looking forward to my spring break week coming up super soon, (yay!) but I’m much much more excited about my summer break that has no established end point. I can’t see any possibility of continuing on with the current job in the current configuration. It’s slowly killing me, like a plant that’s not getting enough sun. I might theoretically consider staying on if I was offered to work half time and keep my long vacations, but I know Suzannah really misses her friends and family back in Iowa. And I don’t know if that’s even a possibility and don’t plan on asking. I don’t want to insult my boss by making unreasonable requests, especially if even with them fulfilled I don’t know if I’d stay.

Ultimately, after a good long real break and honeymoon, I want to get back to at least part-time work, but I’m still gonna be on a mission to find work that feels right. Being a classic teacher, at least full time, doesn’t feel right. And I’m not sure part time will be better qualitatively, it may just be quantitatively better, less of a bad thing, so to speak. I don’t want to talk ill of the children, I love the kids. But what I’m asked to do, day to day, really doesn’t seem like a good fit. I’m not sure whether a small tweak will do, or if it needs to be big/drastic. So I’m going to have to do some experimenting.

I’m trying really hard to stay present in the moment day to day, but there is a tremendous pull from the huge, deep longing I have to finally be free of this whole 5 year adventure. It’s interesting to note, that it was bearable, despite the unpleasantness, because there was purpose and hope in my striving. Now that I no longer hold out hope for this kind of work becoming work I love and am good at, I have no protection from the unpleasantness. It just feels like months of my life I’m wasting, doing something I know I don’t want to do long term

Currently I’m trying to reframe it as service: I’m doing a service to the children and the school, at a time where teachers are hard to find. As such, I must give it my best, every day. There are people relying on me, people I’m trying to help, even if the way I’m helping isn’t necessarily with the skills I’m most comfortable with. That way there is still a strong purpose in what I’m doing, something to push me forward and keep me focused. “How can I best be of service?” Is the question directing me.

Anyhoo, that’s my current experiment for trying to deal gracefully with my current situation. I kind of want to journal and explore what exactly it is that makes Sunday nights so unpleasant, and why I so strongly don’t want to continue with this work. I think I’ll save that for my journal, until I’m a bit clearer on it. Though one thing I’m super clear on is I really dislike having so little time to myself. I feel chronically behind, and don’t you dare say that’s just my issue. It may be my issue but it is ALSO the fact that I genuinely have very little time to myself. That needs to change for me to be at my best and happiest. That one point is crystal clear.

OK, by for now, take care, be well,

-Isaac

No time for a title (yet again.) More random job musings.

 So, here I am with an abundance of time (18 minutes) at the end of lunch, to write a blog post. Perhaps I’ll try and write less, but more thoughtfully. Perhaps I’ll try to be a bit more cheery. I’ll tell you what gives me cheer: 3 months. Three months and change to go. I’ve already talked with my mentor about how I’m thinking of leaving, but I think they still have hope that I’ll change my mind. I suppose miracles are possible. But it doesn’t seem likely.

I could imagine myself staying here if I was offered part-time work. Where I only had to come in the mornings or afternoons or something. That’s probably what I’ll do until I figure out something better, when I’m back in Fairfield. Once I’m done taking a nice long well deserved break and honeymoon. But my wife sorely misses Fairfield, and that is a large factor in my considerations. If this job really turned out to be my dream job, then it would be worth the move away from our friends and community, but as it has turned out to be more lesson on perseverance and doing hard and uncomfortable things, it seems unreasonable to keep Suzannah here for that. I can get that anywhere.

I’m getting excellent experience as a classroom teacher, but, I don’t like being a classroom teacher. Hopefully the experience will transfer to whatever I end up doing. It will certainly transfer to being a dad at least. But again, moving away from friends and for Suzannah, from family and a deeply rooted community, for something like that, experience that I hope will transfer to whatever I actually want to do (whenever I figure that out)… the scales don’t balance.

So I continue my lessons in patience, perseverance, non-attachment to success or having time or being well rested. And to working on several areas that I’m both weak and uncomfortable in, and working on doing that with grace and peace. As I’ve said before, even if I’m not having a good time, I can always find gratitude for the opportunity to learn valuable lessons.

My mentor asked me why I always had the Sunday night blues, and I didn’t have an answer, but recently I reflected back and I think the answer is quite simple. It is the natural response of realizing I’m about to go back to a job I don’t want to be doing. She recently mentioned something about thinking about your job as service, rather than a job. I think she was trying to help me find a way to enjoy the job more, but I’ve always thought of this job as service. I’m not doing it for the pay, I’m not doing it because it’s a job where I can coast. I’m doing it because I want to be of service. That’s still not enough to make it something I look forward to.

I do look forward to helping children, teaching them valuable life lessons, helping them grow into the best versions of themselves, and sharing my excitement about learning with them. I really do not look forward to the endless classroom management, behavioral management, micromanaging, constantly having to be “on” and scanning the room and pushing the kids who are just goofing off to keep working. I don’t really like the in depth tracking of so many variables required, and I really do not like the constant multitasking necessary to plan things and run a classroom and teach and etc. All the little moving pieces I need to keep in my head, all the things I need to do quickly while also having two other things going on at the same time. I don’t like how little time I have to think and plan without having to multitask and keep an eye on the the classroom. I don’t like how little time and energy I have period.

OK, that’s it, gotta go!

By for now,

-Isaac