I just realized something funny and kind of inappropriate so get your earmuffs ready if you don't want to hear me talk about sex.
First part, not about sex: I realized that, though I used to love playing video games by myself, nowadays I hardly do it anymore. The only way I can get myself to play games is if I'm with a friend. Multiplayer. Otherwise it's kind of boring, and I feel like I should be working or sleeping instead, both things that I am in desperate need of.
Perhaps you're already seeing where this is going...
Second part, now with 100% more sexually derived humor:
I was thinking about how that might be the case with porn/sex for some folks: they can't bring themselves to be bothered with it, it's just not interesting enough, unless it's a local co-op game, so to speak, rather than solo mode.
But like with local co-op games, you need a real live friend to play with. If you don't have that, you've got no choice but single-layer.
(meant to type "single-player" but the Freudian typo was too excellent to edit out.)
Edit:
two things, first, I tried to post a comment twice and couldn't, so it's possible that comments are broken on this website. I apologize, I like comments, I don't want to discourage them (though I do moderate them because I don't abide by meanness or trolling on my watch) But it looks like it's not possible at the moment. Even for me, the blog creator, it won't let me post, though it says comments are on. Ah well.
Second, one person was confused with my second analogy so let me spell it out, in case there are more:
single player = mastrubation & porn
local co-op = loving consensual sex with a partner
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Thoughts on Education and Teacher Training
What makes for efficient teaching? What makes for productivity? Humans are not machines, that can output X things for every Y hours put in. I can get two or three times as much done early in the day when I'm fresh, and sometimes I can't do something well at all in the afternoon when my brain is already fried. It's not a linear line. We need rest.
Much more than that, though. I recently listened to a chapter from a book on timing (by Dan Pink) that mentioned some research on team effectiveness, showing that productivity was not linear, but went from almost nothing, to very productive, starting right around the midpoint (when people realized, uh-oh, half the time is already gone). This was true for short-term as well as long term projects.
We're not logical creatures, and especially when it comes to motivation, our focus and energy, we are hugely governed by subconscious feelings, beliefs, impulses. The understanding and engineering of how this works is the business of effective leaders and teachers.
Whenever I start thinking educational theory (and I'm doing so now as I write essays for my Montessori Training) I get frustrated by the lack of effective systematized teacher training. On the other hand, I'm sure it's more difficult than it sounds. Bill Gates poured millions (hundreds of millions, I think) of dollars into education reform and got depressingly little results. Finland spent years nationally focused on developing education, and considers teaching prestigious enough to attract the people who are already really smart and effective. So while it clearly is a fixable problem, it's not an easy problem to fix.
That's looking at the problem in general though. Even on the micro-scale, I've yet to find any program that can turn someone into a good teacher.
Part of that is the same with any profession: you want to get good, you have to work at it with dedication and focus for a long time.
But there are some professions that seem to have the science of that down to a much higher degree. Sports is a great example. Because sports is so lucrative, there is a lot of money, energy and creativity that has gone into perfecting the science of physical performance. Coaches know what athletes need to do for super-high performance. Most professional athletes are at a really high level of performance, far above that of your average joe off the street. The difference between one top level athlete and another is tiny compared to average joe vs. any of them.
Part of that is innate ability, and they're good at scouting for that, but even without special innate ability, you can get up to really high levels of performance. You just won't be the star player.
In any case, the point is they've broken down everything that can be broken down, into specific skill sets, and they know how to train people for mastery of those skill sets. And they do train those people for mastery of those skill sets.
You can do this for any profession. There are some things you can't train, but mostly, you can.
Not only does teacher education not train you for mastery in it's skill-sets, it's not even clear on what the skill sets are.
The waters get muddied because some educational choices don't have to do with academic achievement. Is this method of behavior modification ethical? Is how we are treating children moral?
Also, there's different opinions on the purpose of education: are we just teaching children to earn a living? Do we want them to be kind and compassionate? Do we want them to value charity and helping others? Do we want them to value community and meaning? Do we encourage them to pursue their passions or try and force them into a generic mold? Do we focus on memorization and test taking or creativity and lateral thinking? All of these things take time and energy, which are finite resources, and the balance of where you're putting your time and energy determine the kind of education you impart.
So in a sense I suppose it's good that there are many different kinds of educational institutions, so people can find one that matches their values and concerns. Though perhaps even better would be to find one that matches their child.
In any case, I always come back to this question; what are the universal principals for education? Things that we know are most effective, not because of our personal bias, but because of high quality empirical research?
I feel like there is a huge amount of individuality in teaching, different styles and focuses, that don't really make things clearly better or worse, just different. And also, there are a huge number of pathways that lead to similar goals, and result in similar outcomes. And people fight tooth and nail about them, when the truth is they're both about the same.
And on the other hand, there is huge variance in teacher effectiveness, so there are obviously some things that do make a real difference.
One big problem is that experts are often not particularly good at explaining or even knowing why they are so good at their field. Their competence comes from a number of processes that are largely unconscious, and so they're not even aware of what they're doing so well. People then ask the experts for advice, and the advice given is often not very useful to the novices.
What's really needed is researchers, looking at expert teachers and objectively dissecting what all the best teachers do in common, AND then looking at different ways of teaching those skills, until they discover the most effective ways of training people in those skills.
There are a lot of different areas that are important for teaching, so that's probably going to be complex. Academic learning is just one important category. Management, motivation, inspiration, is another category, and at least as important. Instilling good values and character is one most people don't think much about, but for me it's equally important. And then there's just the day to day management of logistics, and basic safety and awareness.
It seems like the average person can become an average teacher, given persistent effort, even without specialized training. But what does it take to become a great teacher? Probably the answer is not so complex. Probably it's just the same thing for all professions: you keep working at it, with passion and persistence, you keep pushing yourself to grow, and don't let yourself fall into a rut of stagnation.
I don't have to worry about that quite yet, things are still too crazy to be comfortable enough to stagnate. But it's something to stay vigilant about.
This was maybe a boring tea for some of you? I'll post a short additional thing that may be more interesting, that's been sitting in my draft folder.
Merry Christmas ^_^
Much more than that, though. I recently listened to a chapter from a book on timing (by Dan Pink) that mentioned some research on team effectiveness, showing that productivity was not linear, but went from almost nothing, to very productive, starting right around the midpoint (when people realized, uh-oh, half the time is already gone). This was true for short-term as well as long term projects.
We're not logical creatures, and especially when it comes to motivation, our focus and energy, we are hugely governed by subconscious feelings, beliefs, impulses. The understanding and engineering of how this works is the business of effective leaders and teachers.
Whenever I start thinking educational theory (and I'm doing so now as I write essays for my Montessori Training) I get frustrated by the lack of effective systematized teacher training. On the other hand, I'm sure it's more difficult than it sounds. Bill Gates poured millions (hundreds of millions, I think) of dollars into education reform and got depressingly little results. Finland spent years nationally focused on developing education, and considers teaching prestigious enough to attract the people who are already really smart and effective. So while it clearly is a fixable problem, it's not an easy problem to fix.
That's looking at the problem in general though. Even on the micro-scale, I've yet to find any program that can turn someone into a good teacher.
Part of that is the same with any profession: you want to get good, you have to work at it with dedication and focus for a long time.
But there are some professions that seem to have the science of that down to a much higher degree. Sports is a great example. Because sports is so lucrative, there is a lot of money, energy and creativity that has gone into perfecting the science of physical performance. Coaches know what athletes need to do for super-high performance. Most professional athletes are at a really high level of performance, far above that of your average joe off the street. The difference between one top level athlete and another is tiny compared to average joe vs. any of them.
Part of that is innate ability, and they're good at scouting for that, but even without special innate ability, you can get up to really high levels of performance. You just won't be the star player.
In any case, the point is they've broken down everything that can be broken down, into specific skill sets, and they know how to train people for mastery of those skill sets. And they do train those people for mastery of those skill sets.
You can do this for any profession. There are some things you can't train, but mostly, you can.
Not only does teacher education not train you for mastery in it's skill-sets, it's not even clear on what the skill sets are.
The waters get muddied because some educational choices don't have to do with academic achievement. Is this method of behavior modification ethical? Is how we are treating children moral?
Also, there's different opinions on the purpose of education: are we just teaching children to earn a living? Do we want them to be kind and compassionate? Do we want them to value charity and helping others? Do we want them to value community and meaning? Do we encourage them to pursue their passions or try and force them into a generic mold? Do we focus on memorization and test taking or creativity and lateral thinking? All of these things take time and energy, which are finite resources, and the balance of where you're putting your time and energy determine the kind of education you impart.
So in a sense I suppose it's good that there are many different kinds of educational institutions, so people can find one that matches their values and concerns. Though perhaps even better would be to find one that matches their child.
In any case, I always come back to this question; what are the universal principals for education? Things that we know are most effective, not because of our personal bias, but because of high quality empirical research?
I feel like there is a huge amount of individuality in teaching, different styles and focuses, that don't really make things clearly better or worse, just different. And also, there are a huge number of pathways that lead to similar goals, and result in similar outcomes. And people fight tooth and nail about them, when the truth is they're both about the same.
And on the other hand, there is huge variance in teacher effectiveness, so there are obviously some things that do make a real difference.
One big problem is that experts are often not particularly good at explaining or even knowing why they are so good at their field. Their competence comes from a number of processes that are largely unconscious, and so they're not even aware of what they're doing so well. People then ask the experts for advice, and the advice given is often not very useful to the novices.
What's really needed is researchers, looking at expert teachers and objectively dissecting what all the best teachers do in common, AND then looking at different ways of teaching those skills, until they discover the most effective ways of training people in those skills.
There are a lot of different areas that are important for teaching, so that's probably going to be complex. Academic learning is just one important category. Management, motivation, inspiration, is another category, and at least as important. Instilling good values and character is one most people don't think much about, but for me it's equally important. And then there's just the day to day management of logistics, and basic safety and awareness.
It seems like the average person can become an average teacher, given persistent effort, even without specialized training. But what does it take to become a great teacher? Probably the answer is not so complex. Probably it's just the same thing for all professions: you keep working at it, with passion and persistence, you keep pushing yourself to grow, and don't let yourself fall into a rut of stagnation.
I don't have to worry about that quite yet, things are still too crazy to be comfortable enough to stagnate. But it's something to stay vigilant about.
This was maybe a boring tea for some of you? I'll post a short additional thing that may be more interesting, that's been sitting in my draft folder.
Merry Christmas ^_^
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Lights in the Darkness. Work/Play balance. Santa stress.
Chrome seems to be working better now, since it's last update. I can use the blogger website on it rather than having to switch to Safari.
It's pretty late in the week. Fascinating, isn't it? Even though I don't have work, I'm even more behind.
Partly I'm not surprised. There tends to be a rubber band effect with these kinds of things; if I have to be super disciplined and focused for a long stretch, when I finally get a chance to decompress, there is an equivalent amount of time where I am equally undisciplined and unfocused. And I've been working really hard, with lots of focus, for months now.
I'm finally coming up for air, and starting to get more focused and productive again. Thank God for the long winter break.
It's interesting, teaching is quite stressful and exhausting, but being productive and getting things done is actually even harder when one's schedule is totally free and flexible, suddenly having few immediate external demands or accountabilities.
For a long time I just thought there was something wrong with me, but I think that's pretty much how it goes, with most humans.
I had just finally gotten pretty good at being productive even in that kind of environment, when I switched back into an externally motivated "you've gotta get this done by x date for y person." mode, for school and then work. Now that I'm briefly back into that non-external mode, it's taking some time to remember all the lessons I've learned about how to set myself up for productivity in that different motivational environment.
I think life is usually about balance: having too much free time isn't healthy, just like overworking isn't healthy. Working hard and being busy, but not overwhelmed, seems like the optimal state, not just for productivity, but also happiness. I suspect idle people are more susceptible to depression and illness than busy people. (But maybe similar to overworked people.)
In any case, it's the holidays! Just a reminder, if you hate the holidays, you're not alone. It is a trigger point for lots of people to feel bad. For people who are already having a rough time, it tends to accentuate that. The idea that everyone is supposed to be happy makes those who feel bad, feel worse. The various stress around gifts etc., once a year interactions with family that end up emotionally fraught... I think there are statistics about this; the holiday season is extra stressful.
So, if you're feeling bad, know that you're not alone. And if you're one of the ones who loves the holiday season and thinks everyone else should too, be gentle on your friends and family who have a hard time with it.
I'm against the corporate hijacking and artificial expectations that have been injected into the holiday season, but I do love the opportunity to spend time with the people I care about, the celebration of light and life burning bright against the darkness, as the days begin to lengthen again.
I enjoy the heart of all the traditions, which at heart have nothing to do with buying expensive garbage that nobody needs from giant companies, and everything to do with light and love and miracles and rebirth.
Remember what this season is really about: love, light. The warmth that comes from deep connection, the bonds of love we share. If you want to give, what about giving food to the hungry, or a smile/hug to someone who's down, or a sympathetic ear to a friend who needs someone to talk with. Words of encouragement. That kind of thing.
Celebrate the light that shines in each of us as compassion, courage, yearning for truth, faith (in ourselves, if nothing else).
Happy holidays. May you be surrounded by light from the hearts of those around you, may you recognize the light that shines within you.
^_^
-Isaac
It's pretty late in the week. Fascinating, isn't it? Even though I don't have work, I'm even more behind.
Partly I'm not surprised. There tends to be a rubber band effect with these kinds of things; if I have to be super disciplined and focused for a long stretch, when I finally get a chance to decompress, there is an equivalent amount of time where I am equally undisciplined and unfocused. And I've been working really hard, with lots of focus, for months now.
I'm finally coming up for air, and starting to get more focused and productive again. Thank God for the long winter break.
It's interesting, teaching is quite stressful and exhausting, but being productive and getting things done is actually even harder when one's schedule is totally free and flexible, suddenly having few immediate external demands or accountabilities.
For a long time I just thought there was something wrong with me, but I think that's pretty much how it goes, with most humans.
I had just finally gotten pretty good at being productive even in that kind of environment, when I switched back into an externally motivated "you've gotta get this done by x date for y person." mode, for school and then work. Now that I'm briefly back into that non-external mode, it's taking some time to remember all the lessons I've learned about how to set myself up for productivity in that different motivational environment.
I think life is usually about balance: having too much free time isn't healthy, just like overworking isn't healthy. Working hard and being busy, but not overwhelmed, seems like the optimal state, not just for productivity, but also happiness. I suspect idle people are more susceptible to depression and illness than busy people. (But maybe similar to overworked people.)
In any case, it's the holidays! Just a reminder, if you hate the holidays, you're not alone. It is a trigger point for lots of people to feel bad. For people who are already having a rough time, it tends to accentuate that. The idea that everyone is supposed to be happy makes those who feel bad, feel worse. The various stress around gifts etc., once a year interactions with family that end up emotionally fraught... I think there are statistics about this; the holiday season is extra stressful.
So, if you're feeling bad, know that you're not alone. And if you're one of the ones who loves the holiday season and thinks everyone else should too, be gentle on your friends and family who have a hard time with it.
I'm against the corporate hijacking and artificial expectations that have been injected into the holiday season, but I do love the opportunity to spend time with the people I care about, the celebration of light and life burning bright against the darkness, as the days begin to lengthen again.
I enjoy the heart of all the traditions, which at heart have nothing to do with buying expensive garbage that nobody needs from giant companies, and everything to do with light and love and miracles and rebirth.
Remember what this season is really about: love, light. The warmth that comes from deep connection, the bonds of love we share. If you want to give, what about giving food to the hungry, or a smile/hug to someone who's down, or a sympathetic ear to a friend who needs someone to talk with. Words of encouragement. That kind of thing.
Celebrate the light that shines in each of us as compassion, courage, yearning for truth, faith (in ourselves, if nothing else).
Happy holidays. May you be surrounded by light from the hearts of those around you, may you recognize the light that shines within you.
^_^
-Isaac
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
Greatful for rest
I don't have much time or energy but it's getting late in the week and I want to post something, even if it's just short.
This is one of the keys to habit formation (and perhaps maintenance): set the perimeters of your habit to levels you can achieve even when you're at your least motivated. consistency is much more important than intensity. Do 5 minutes every day and you'll form a habit. Insist it's all or nothing, 2 hours or failure, and you are almost certain to fail.
There are other factors, like what kind of motivational angle you take, but I'm tired, so not tonight.
To sum up: two more days before winter break. I am super excited to rest deeply, spend some time with friends, and then work like a dog to finish up all the accumulated Montessori training homework that's gonna be coming due by the end of the year. I'll be working and exhausted like this for the rest of the year, even my spring break will be taken up with classroom observations, so this is kind of my only hope.
I'm so tired. it's about 7:30 and I could fall asleep right now. I'm going to brush my teeth right after this. I was thinking about doing something fun like playing some video games for a few minutes, but I'm just so tired nothing sounds as fun as simply sleeping.
I can't remember what movie this is from, but there was this car chase or race, and the car was being smashed and blown up and falling apart, until it finally scraped to a stop, no wheels even anymore, at it's final destination, just to have the few remaining pieces fall apart around the driver, who was left with nothing but the steering wheel. That seems like an apt description. I wish I could just take a month an a half off, to rest and relax and get all the extra stuff done that's built up, but I won't be able to do that for two to three years, since my summers will be completely consumed with Montessori training.
I... have mixed feelings about that. But I'm just putting my head down and bulling through it, for now. At some point the intensity is going to have to ease up or I'll wear myself down. It's not sustainable. But hopefully as I get more experience and at least once my training ends that will change.
Good night, enjoy your rest. One of my close friends who has trouble falling asleep has reminded me to be grateful for the ability to rest, to fall asleep in a reasonable period of time. We take those kind of things for granted, and only think to be grateful for them when they're gone, but how much more satisfying to be grateful while you actually have them.
Love, gratitude, bye for now,
-I
This is one of the keys to habit formation (and perhaps maintenance): set the perimeters of your habit to levels you can achieve even when you're at your least motivated. consistency is much more important than intensity. Do 5 minutes every day and you'll form a habit. Insist it's all or nothing, 2 hours or failure, and you are almost certain to fail.
There are other factors, like what kind of motivational angle you take, but I'm tired, so not tonight.
To sum up: two more days before winter break. I am super excited to rest deeply, spend some time with friends, and then work like a dog to finish up all the accumulated Montessori training homework that's gonna be coming due by the end of the year. I'll be working and exhausted like this for the rest of the year, even my spring break will be taken up with classroom observations, so this is kind of my only hope.
I'm so tired. it's about 7:30 and I could fall asleep right now. I'm going to brush my teeth right after this. I was thinking about doing something fun like playing some video games for a few minutes, but I'm just so tired nothing sounds as fun as simply sleeping.
I can't remember what movie this is from, but there was this car chase or race, and the car was being smashed and blown up and falling apart, until it finally scraped to a stop, no wheels even anymore, at it's final destination, just to have the few remaining pieces fall apart around the driver, who was left with nothing but the steering wheel. That seems like an apt description. I wish I could just take a month an a half off, to rest and relax and get all the extra stuff done that's built up, but I won't be able to do that for two to three years, since my summers will be completely consumed with Montessori training.
I... have mixed feelings about that. But I'm just putting my head down and bulling through it, for now. At some point the intensity is going to have to ease up or I'll wear myself down. It's not sustainable. But hopefully as I get more experience and at least once my training ends that will change.
Good night, enjoy your rest. One of my close friends who has trouble falling asleep has reminded me to be grateful for the ability to rest, to fall asleep in a reasonable period of time. We take those kind of things for granted, and only think to be grateful for them when they're gone, but how much more satisfying to be grateful while you actually have them.
Love, gratitude, bye for now,
-I
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
Dreams, Nightmares, Waking Life.
For some reason Google's Chrome web browser is working poorly as of late. there are several pages, including blogger itself, that just won't load unless I use safari. Perhaps it's some weird mixture of chrome plus other stuff on my computer, but it's odd and mildly frustrating. I expected better of you, google. I don't like having to open a second web browser just to get basic services. And I can't for the life of me figure out what's wrong. I've gone through most of the non-time intensive general fixes and they've done nothing.
I recently had two interesting dream experiences. a bit ago, after talking with one of my friends who loves and practices lucid dreaming, I learned a cool new skill. He had mentioned that it is generally true that the more lucid you get in your dreams, the more likely you are to wake up, but there are techniques lucid dreamers have to keep themselves from waking up. He didn't go into details, but one night when I started lucid dreaming (becoming aware that I was dreaming) I decided to try out something to see if I could keep myself in the dream, rather than having the lucidity pop me out, like it always does. I let my mind start drifting, trying to relax, not think so hard, get a bit less lucid. My body started floating in the dream, passing through walls, and getting more fuzzy, and then it worked, I lost some lucidity, but was able to maintain enough to control the dream still with suggestions of what I wanted to do, and have a much longer and more satisfying romp through dream land than I think I've ever had previously.
So many of these mind things remind me of 1984, the book, and it's word for "doublethink": the ability to hold two opposing, contradictory ideas simultaneously. I guess there's also a section in "the name of the wind" when Kvoth is learning magic that is like it. It's a certain kind of relaxation you need to maintain, while holding your intention, that allows it to percolate deeply. I don't think there's any short-cut, I think it just comes from working with that kind of stuff, intention and intuition and prayer, long enough that you have a bunch of successes, and so have faith, and also familiarity with spiritual states of mind, so when they happen you don't automatically go "oh wow, look at that, it's happening" and then get totally out of it, in your excitement. (similar to how people who have trouble falling asleep often wake themselves all the way up when they start to feel like they're falling asleep.)
The second dream phenomena was just last night. I had a dream that it was a mixture of several different schools alumni reunions. my grade school, high school, undergrad. And my childhood crush from grade school didn't show up, and I was feeling this crushing sadness, realizing I would never see her, never get to make up for never having told her how I felt. the sadness and loss was deep powerful in that way dreams sometimes are, far stronger emotionally that I ever feel while awake, these days, and I was bawling for what felt like ten or fifteen minutes, on and off, grieving. It was kind of cathartic. Perhaps it says something about my current situation that I'm not conscious of.
In other thoughts, teaching is weird. I am exhausted and long for Christmas break. And each week, long for the weekend. Normally, that's a sign you don't like your job, but it's that doublethink thing again: I both really care about and like my job, and at the same time want to run away from it and escape to a tropical island for a few months to rest. I feel what I'm doing is important and valuable. often I get to be of service in a way that feels really good. But also it's profoundly exhausting and draining in a very thorough way, physically and mentally and spiritually. I've never been the natural born leader type, and I kind of have to take that role to do my job properly, as a teacher. There is a level of inherent responsibility with the position that I find daunting. There is a lot of things I need to learn, practical things, nothing I can get by reading a book. And until I get them, I don't think I can be the kind of teacher I care so deeply about becoming. Plus there is so, so much work that I should be doing, after my official paid work days end, to be doing what I would consider a satisfactory job. But I am so totally fried by the end of the day, I can only do a small fraction of the easier parts of that work.
It's uncomfortable and exhausting and sometimes discouraging. But I also can't think of anything I could be doing that is more important, and there are many things that I'm doing reasonably well with, that actually feel good, despite the areas in need of improvement. And at least for now, I still have hope that with time and effort, I will improve at a satisfactory rate.
For now I will just keep pushing in the most intelligent way I can.
-I Out
Waking Life (a cool strange movie, and part of the reference in my title): http://www.openculture.com/2014/12/richard-linklaters-waking-life.html
an unrelated but cool picture I found while looking for the above pic:
I recently had two interesting dream experiences. a bit ago, after talking with one of my friends who loves and practices lucid dreaming, I learned a cool new skill. He had mentioned that it is generally true that the more lucid you get in your dreams, the more likely you are to wake up, but there are techniques lucid dreamers have to keep themselves from waking up. He didn't go into details, but one night when I started lucid dreaming (becoming aware that I was dreaming) I decided to try out something to see if I could keep myself in the dream, rather than having the lucidity pop me out, like it always does. I let my mind start drifting, trying to relax, not think so hard, get a bit less lucid. My body started floating in the dream, passing through walls, and getting more fuzzy, and then it worked, I lost some lucidity, but was able to maintain enough to control the dream still with suggestions of what I wanted to do, and have a much longer and more satisfying romp through dream land than I think I've ever had previously.
So many of these mind things remind me of 1984, the book, and it's word for "doublethink": the ability to hold two opposing, contradictory ideas simultaneously. I guess there's also a section in "the name of the wind" when Kvoth is learning magic that is like it. It's a certain kind of relaxation you need to maintain, while holding your intention, that allows it to percolate deeply. I don't think there's any short-cut, I think it just comes from working with that kind of stuff, intention and intuition and prayer, long enough that you have a bunch of successes, and so have faith, and also familiarity with spiritual states of mind, so when they happen you don't automatically go "oh wow, look at that, it's happening" and then get totally out of it, in your excitement. (similar to how people who have trouble falling asleep often wake themselves all the way up when they start to feel like they're falling asleep.)
The second dream phenomena was just last night. I had a dream that it was a mixture of several different schools alumni reunions. my grade school, high school, undergrad. And my childhood crush from grade school didn't show up, and I was feeling this crushing sadness, realizing I would never see her, never get to make up for never having told her how I felt. the sadness and loss was deep powerful in that way dreams sometimes are, far stronger emotionally that I ever feel while awake, these days, and I was bawling for what felt like ten or fifteen minutes, on and off, grieving. It was kind of cathartic. Perhaps it says something about my current situation that I'm not conscious of.
In other thoughts, teaching is weird. I am exhausted and long for Christmas break. And each week, long for the weekend. Normally, that's a sign you don't like your job, but it's that doublethink thing again: I both really care about and like my job, and at the same time want to run away from it and escape to a tropical island for a few months to rest. I feel what I'm doing is important and valuable. often I get to be of service in a way that feels really good. But also it's profoundly exhausting and draining in a very thorough way, physically and mentally and spiritually. I've never been the natural born leader type, and I kind of have to take that role to do my job properly, as a teacher. There is a level of inherent responsibility with the position that I find daunting. There is a lot of things I need to learn, practical things, nothing I can get by reading a book. And until I get them, I don't think I can be the kind of teacher I care so deeply about becoming. Plus there is so, so much work that I should be doing, after my official paid work days end, to be doing what I would consider a satisfactory job. But I am so totally fried by the end of the day, I can only do a small fraction of the easier parts of that work.
It's uncomfortable and exhausting and sometimes discouraging. But I also can't think of anything I could be doing that is more important, and there are many things that I'm doing reasonably well with, that actually feel good, despite the areas in need of improvement. And at least for now, I still have hope that with time and effort, I will improve at a satisfactory rate.
For now I will just keep pushing in the most intelligent way I can.
-I Out
Waking Life (a cool strange movie, and part of the reference in my title): http://www.openculture.com/2014/12/richard-linklaters-waking-life.html
an unrelated but cool picture I found while looking for the above pic:
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
The end of Thanksgiving. Family, Gottman, and the importance of letting go of attachments.
Well, Thanksgiving happened, I traveled, I got to spend time with my family which was very sweet. I feel like my relationship with them has only gotten better and better over the years.
Probably similar to that old Mark Twain Quote:
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."
Clearly the joke is that it was actually Mark Twain who had grown in those seven years. And likewise, I think my parents have always been kind and wonderful, but I've gotten a lot better at being kind and wonderful back, and appreciating them properly. Same with the rest of my family.
It was mostly really nice to finally see my Girlfriend, but we got into a little bit of intense talk, a result of me feeling like I couldn't broach the more serious topics via email, and so this was my only opportunity. But we worked it out pretty well, I think. I made use of some of what I'd been learning from John Gottman's books and that was really helpful. Still, it was sad to have some of our brief time together be less than joyful. But now I know it's ok to bring up the serious issues via email, so that's a relief. Though one thing that has be down is her adjusted time-frame for when she'll have time for more than a quick text at night: probably not until at least the end of her schooling. That's 2.5 more years. And then after that, if she gets a job, it's probably going to be super busy for that as well. I was prepared to wait it out patiently for a year, though it would hurt, but that's some bitter medicine to swallow. I'm not sure what it means for the relationship, but in certainly means I need to re-evaluate. I still think she is amazing and would make a great partner... but I need a bit more time of actually interacting with her to confirm this. And I don't know when I'll get that time. Could be years.
I'm feeling down, due to that. And anxious, about starting up teaching again. Always seems to happen, first day back to school after not teaching for a bit. No school yesterday, because of a blizzard. Thank God; I was so tired from all the activity and travel, I slept in for a total of like 12 hours. I think I was also mildly sick.
But now we start up again. I realized that a big part of my anxiety and then fatigue from teaching is I've got a big attachment to being great at my job. Nothing wrong with wanting to do your job well, but it's the whole equanimity thing: be equal in success and failure, pleasure and pain. When you, when I, try and cling too tightly to something being one way, or pushing away something else, it makes me unbalanced, unhappy, and unproductive.
I noticed this particularly with my creative endeavors, like acting and improv dance: it is when I'm not afraid of failure, when I'm not attached to success, that I take risks and have fun in a way that is very effective and productive. When I get to worried about failing, I clam up, get too conservative, stop having fun, stop being as focused and energetic.
I hope someday I can have the same kind of fun teaching, as I do with improv dance. That took many years though, and lots of practice, improving my skills. So I suppose I should be patient with myself, in this current area... though, on the other hand, I was able to get into that state even from early on, with improv dance.
I think it's more of a mental block than an impossibility. But it's harder than dance because it's not just something I'm doing for fun, it's my job, and there are a bunch of other people involved. Much bigger responsibility. More planning needed. More people involved, more complexity, more challenges, higher stakes. Makes sense that it would be more challenging.
Alright, back I go.
On the plus side, the pressure keeps me focused and working hard, which I like.
Much love to my loved ones, and well-wishes to all of you.
(my email subscription widget says there's like a thousand emails signed up to get this, which seems insane. I'm assuming I'm reading it wrong or it doesn't notice when it gets unsubscribed or something. the idea that many people are interested in reading my little tea conversations does not compute, so I generally try to forget about it and just write like I'm writing to a few close friends and family.)
Probably similar to that old Mark Twain Quote:
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."
Clearly the joke is that it was actually Mark Twain who had grown in those seven years. And likewise, I think my parents have always been kind and wonderful, but I've gotten a lot better at being kind and wonderful back, and appreciating them properly. Same with the rest of my family.
It was mostly really nice to finally see my Girlfriend, but we got into a little bit of intense talk, a result of me feeling like I couldn't broach the more serious topics via email, and so this was my only opportunity. But we worked it out pretty well, I think. I made use of some of what I'd been learning from John Gottman's books and that was really helpful. Still, it was sad to have some of our brief time together be less than joyful. But now I know it's ok to bring up the serious issues via email, so that's a relief. Though one thing that has be down is her adjusted time-frame for when she'll have time for more than a quick text at night: probably not until at least the end of her schooling. That's 2.5 more years. And then after that, if she gets a job, it's probably going to be super busy for that as well. I was prepared to wait it out patiently for a year, though it would hurt, but that's some bitter medicine to swallow. I'm not sure what it means for the relationship, but in certainly means I need to re-evaluate. I still think she is amazing and would make a great partner... but I need a bit more time of actually interacting with her to confirm this. And I don't know when I'll get that time. Could be years.
I'm feeling down, due to that. And anxious, about starting up teaching again. Always seems to happen, first day back to school after not teaching for a bit. No school yesterday, because of a blizzard. Thank God; I was so tired from all the activity and travel, I slept in for a total of like 12 hours. I think I was also mildly sick.
But now we start up again. I realized that a big part of my anxiety and then fatigue from teaching is I've got a big attachment to being great at my job. Nothing wrong with wanting to do your job well, but it's the whole equanimity thing: be equal in success and failure, pleasure and pain. When you, when I, try and cling too tightly to something being one way, or pushing away something else, it makes me unbalanced, unhappy, and unproductive.
I noticed this particularly with my creative endeavors, like acting and improv dance: it is when I'm not afraid of failure, when I'm not attached to success, that I take risks and have fun in a way that is very effective and productive. When I get to worried about failing, I clam up, get too conservative, stop having fun, stop being as focused and energetic.
I hope someday I can have the same kind of fun teaching, as I do with improv dance. That took many years though, and lots of practice, improving my skills. So I suppose I should be patient with myself, in this current area... though, on the other hand, I was able to get into that state even from early on, with improv dance.
I think it's more of a mental block than an impossibility. But it's harder than dance because it's not just something I'm doing for fun, it's my job, and there are a bunch of other people involved. Much bigger responsibility. More planning needed. More people involved, more complexity, more challenges, higher stakes. Makes sense that it would be more challenging.
Alright, back I go.
On the plus side, the pressure keeps me focused and working hard, which I like.
Much love to my loved ones, and well-wishes to all of you.
(my email subscription widget says there's like a thousand emails signed up to get this, which seems insane. I'm assuming I'm reading it wrong or it doesn't notice when it gets unsubscribed or something. the idea that many people are interested in reading my little tea conversations does not compute, so I generally try to forget about it and just write like I'm writing to a few close friends and family.)
Thursday, November 15, 2018
Deer. 3:30am wake-up. Gratitude, excitement, designer jeans.
“I’m feeling as distressed right now as your stylish designer jeans"
(random made-up quote)
I stood and stared at a deer that was in my yard this morning for a minute or two. I was just going outside for my early morning walk/run, and it was a little adolescent, still not full grown. It was less than ten feet away from me, but I guess because I didn't startle when I saw it, and I'm very quiet, it was startled by the sound of the door opening and closing, but not moving because it wasn't sure if I'd seen it, I guess. meanwhile, I got to marvel at it's beauty and cuteness, basically as long as I wanted, as it occasionally looked around, mostly still. I eventually had to move because I had lots of things to do this morning, but it was quite a treat.
 |
| (this is not my deer, but it looked similar. maybe a little older, and it was snowy out, like this picture.) |
I'm working on a program to improve my touch typing. I have high hopes that I'll get quite good at touch-typing using this program, simply because I find the process of touch typing quite relaxing. I put on some classical music, and just get to zone out while my fingers move in fine synchrony like the symphonies I'm listening too. For a long time, the tap tapping of keys and the complex, muscle memory dance of my fingers skipping across letters and making my thoughts form on paper... er, screen, has had a soothing effect on me.
I think my favorite times with this was when I was ranting to myself in my private journal on apple's simple text program, which happened to have a fairly robotic sounding text to speech feature. I would rant and rave, typing as fast as I could, not caring about the massive amount of typos, streeeeeeaching out words and using lots of ALL UPPERCASE and exclamation points!!!!!!! to get across the vehemence of my impotent rage at my condition, myself, my world etc. some people have primal scream therapy sessions, I had a primal journaling routine. Then I'd have the text to speech robot try and translate my stew of swears, passion, and drawn out letters, and laugh out loud at it.
But even when it wasn't quite that intense or satisfying or humorous, the process of typing out my free flow thoughts has been quite satisfying and soothing to me. handwriting, though great for retention of what is written, cannot hope to keep pace with a racing mind, whereas typing, as long as you don't care about spelling, errors, etc, can kind of keep up, most of the time.
So in any case, the practice itself is enjoyable, which I think is a key to getting good at something.
From what the research says, it takes a lot of practice to get really good at something (though it takes far less to reach a state of competency, the whole thing kind of leveling off like a logarithmic graph.)
For those people putting in 4+ hours every day to achieve eventual mastery, they'd better enjoy the process itself or they'll probably never make it.
In other news
I'M SO HAPPY!
Why? Because in one more day I will be on Thanksgiving Break! This means
a) I get a good five days of at least semi-rest before going once more into the breach (work).
b) I get to see my girlfriend in person, after many many months.
It's also always nice to spend time with my family. I quite enjoy them. I love my immediate family especially, but I love my relatives too. They are such. diverse group, in their personalities and beliefs and preferences, and yet they all have a common thread of wanting to do good. And they all care about family, and try to be accepting of other people's differences. I may not have lots to talk about with many of them, who have different interests, but I still love them and appreciate them, and enjoy their company.
I guess I'm a little nervous, bringing my girlfriend. They're super nice and welcoming, so I don't think there's anything to worry about, but I hope they get along and she feels welcomed and comfortable and they like each other. You can always be hospitable but you can't control your reflexive response to someone, that's just... I don't know what to call it, resonance, compatibility, chemistry. That's generally talked about in terms of romantic partners but there's an element of it among all acquaintances. Best friends are people you have really good compatibility/resonance with. And what makes people really good friends... I'm not sure. It might be very similar to what makes people compatible romantic partners, minus the sex parts.
Welp, I'm going to go pack what I can and get as prepared as possible for my trip Wednesday morning. I'm already tired and I want to make sure I can go to bed super early tomorrow night, because I have to get up REALLY early to drive to the airport and catch my flight. It's at... 6:20am I think? and I'm about an hour and a half away. so... I should leave around 4am. So I should get up around 3:30 am so I can brush my teeth etc. That's pretty early even for me.
It's going to be nice to not have the intense energy consumption required of teaching for 5 days, but I also kind of wish I had more free time during this break, to work on all the various projects I want to work on. With traveling and spending time with family and my GF, there's going to be very little time to actually get ahead with any work. I'll have to wait till Christmas break for that, I guess.
On the positive side of all this super heavy work, I think it is good for me, especially as I learn to navigate the stressors with less anxiety and worry. Even without excessive worrying, there is still a fairly intense pressure to perform at a high level, and that's pushing me to be more efficient and more dynamic. It's really the weekends, where I don't feel like every minute is precious, that my good routines fall apart. And that's fine, because I always have the week to whip me back into shape, and then try again next weekend, dragging more and more of that focus and efficient dynamism into the tasks I want to get done on the weekends (one of which is deep rest and recuperation, so don't worry too much about me burning out by overworking on the weekends, I'm trying to take that into account.)
That's our tea for the week!
Much love,
Isaac
For those people putting in 4+ hours every day to achieve eventual mastery, they'd better enjoy the process itself or they'll probably never make it.
In other news
I'M SO HAPPY!
Why? Because in one more day I will be on Thanksgiving Break! This means
a) I get a good five days of at least semi-rest before going once more into the breach (work).
b) I get to see my girlfriend in person, after many many months.
It's also always nice to spend time with my family. I quite enjoy them. I love my immediate family especially, but I love my relatives too. They are such. diverse group, in their personalities and beliefs and preferences, and yet they all have a common thread of wanting to do good. And they all care about family, and try to be accepting of other people's differences. I may not have lots to talk about with many of them, who have different interests, but I still love them and appreciate them, and enjoy their company.
I guess I'm a little nervous, bringing my girlfriend. They're super nice and welcoming, so I don't think there's anything to worry about, but I hope they get along and she feels welcomed and comfortable and they like each other. You can always be hospitable but you can't control your reflexive response to someone, that's just... I don't know what to call it, resonance, compatibility, chemistry. That's generally talked about in terms of romantic partners but there's an element of it among all acquaintances. Best friends are people you have really good compatibility/resonance with. And what makes people really good friends... I'm not sure. It might be very similar to what makes people compatible romantic partners, minus the sex parts.
Welp, I'm going to go pack what I can and get as prepared as possible for my trip Wednesday morning. I'm already tired and I want to make sure I can go to bed super early tomorrow night, because I have to get up REALLY early to drive to the airport and catch my flight. It's at... 6:20am I think? and I'm about an hour and a half away. so... I should leave around 4am. So I should get up around 3:30 am so I can brush my teeth etc. That's pretty early even for me.
It's going to be nice to not have the intense energy consumption required of teaching for 5 days, but I also kind of wish I had more free time during this break, to work on all the various projects I want to work on. With traveling and spending time with family and my GF, there's going to be very little time to actually get ahead with any work. I'll have to wait till Christmas break for that, I guess.
On the positive side of all this super heavy work, I think it is good for me, especially as I learn to navigate the stressors with less anxiety and worry. Even without excessive worrying, there is still a fairly intense pressure to perform at a high level, and that's pushing me to be more efficient and more dynamic. It's really the weekends, where I don't feel like every minute is precious, that my good routines fall apart. And that's fine, because I always have the week to whip me back into shape, and then try again next weekend, dragging more and more of that focus and efficient dynamism into the tasks I want to get done on the weekends (one of which is deep rest and recuperation, so don't worry too much about me burning out by overworking on the weekends, I'm trying to take that into account.)
That's our tea for the week!
Much love,
Isaac
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Thanksgiving for Thanksgiving
I said there might be days (weeks) like this, where all I have time for is a brief few paragraphs.
I'm looking forward to thanksgiving break. I'll likely get to see my girlfriend, who I haven't seen in person since we met that fateful night a little under a year ago. So that's very exciting.
And this week is parent teacher conferences Friday, so while there is work, it is a much mellower, less exhausting work. And then just two days in the next week, and I get a nice long break. That is happifying to look forward to.
Though I'm continuing to try and figure out how to make my job sustainable; I'd rather look forward to the school days and be sad when I can't teach on the weekends. I think it's possible. What's getting in the way? I think part of it is my perfectionism and fear of doing a bad job. That causes a lot of useless anxiety and guilt. I think I'd be happier and less stressed/anxious, and probably a better, more playful teacher who tries more things, if I was better at self-compassion and not worrying about things I can't control, past mistakes and possible future mistakes. I can stay aware and alert and do my best without the worry and guilt. Mostly they just get in the way.
But also I want to spend a bit more time studying. Studying books etc. on teaching, classroom management, taking more time to think and plan and problem solve. And figuring out rest/work balance, so I feel well prepared but also not burnt out from overworking. Those are all things I'm thinking about in my spare minutes as I try and tweak my life to be more joyful and myself to be more effective at my job.
Love, happy forthcoming holidays,
Isaac
P.S. I'm reminded of some TED talk wisdom on buying happiness. Aside from giving to others, one of the best bangs for your buck is to plan something you're looking forward too. Then all the time leading up to it, is also enjoyable, as you savor and think about what you're going to do. So I'm savoring my future thanksgiving break, now as well.
I'm looking forward to thanksgiving break. I'll likely get to see my girlfriend, who I haven't seen in person since we met that fateful night a little under a year ago. So that's very exciting.
And this week is parent teacher conferences Friday, so while there is work, it is a much mellower, less exhausting work. And then just two days in the next week, and I get a nice long break. That is happifying to look forward to.
Though I'm continuing to try and figure out how to make my job sustainable; I'd rather look forward to the school days and be sad when I can't teach on the weekends. I think it's possible. What's getting in the way? I think part of it is my perfectionism and fear of doing a bad job. That causes a lot of useless anxiety and guilt. I think I'd be happier and less stressed/anxious, and probably a better, more playful teacher who tries more things, if I was better at self-compassion and not worrying about things I can't control, past mistakes and possible future mistakes. I can stay aware and alert and do my best without the worry and guilt. Mostly they just get in the way.
But also I want to spend a bit more time studying. Studying books etc. on teaching, classroom management, taking more time to think and plan and problem solve. And figuring out rest/work balance, so I feel well prepared but also not burnt out from overworking. Those are all things I'm thinking about in my spare minutes as I try and tweak my life to be more joyful and myself to be more effective at my job.
Love, happy forthcoming holidays,
Isaac
P.S. I'm reminded of some TED talk wisdom on buying happiness. Aside from giving to others, one of the best bangs for your buck is to plan something you're looking forward too. Then all the time leading up to it, is also enjoyable, as you savor and think about what you're going to do. So I'm savoring my future thanksgiving break, now as well.
Monday, November 5, 2018
Healer heal thyself. Odysseus pro strats vs Sirens. Mud, vacations, and psychic showers.
Again I find myself past the weekend, writing my blog.
On the plus side, I put some serious energy and thought into recuperation and purification, and it seems to be working. I'm not doing any less work, in fact, I'm doing more work.
But what I've changed is I'm using all the tools in my arsenal, from precommitments and implementation intentions, to Odysseus contracts and social accountability, to steer myself towards some more rejuvenating recovery time. Mostly on the weekends, but a few minutes during the week as well.
First off, I tried asking the friends I was hanging out with Friday and Saturday night, to help me leave and go to bed earlier. I'd call that an Odysseus contract. (I wonder if I need to explain that more completely. yeah, probably.)
An 'odyesuss contract' comes from the part of the Odyssey where Odysseus is about to sail by the sirens. he's curious what their song is like, to be able to lure men to their deaths, but he also doesn't want to die, so he has all his sailors plug their ears with wax (the best kind of Odysseus contract/precommitment strategy) and tie him up to the ship mast, with very clear instructions not to untie him, no matter what he says, until they are clear of the sirens. They sail by, the sirens, sing, Odysseus yells and begs his men to let him go, they don't, and then they're clear. So the idea is, set things up, so when your willpower is weakest, you have other things in place to make sure you're steered in the right direction.
In my case, some friends who will help remind me that I really do want to go to bed on time, and also, by reminding me, implicitly state that it's OK for me to leave (which is one of the reasons I end up staying later than I mean to: I feel bad about leaving.)
That worked very well. The next hurdle was when I got home, actually going to bed. This part didn't work great, but I did set clear intentions, and it went better than the previous week, and way better than the week before that, so hopefully it's a good pattern.
I then set implementation intentions and pre-decided that Saturday morning was for getting some of my Montessori training essays done (at least two) and then do some spiritual purification. I actually did a full on half-hour long guided meditation to energetically and emotionally cleanse myself, among other things. It's hard to get myself to decide to do something like that, once the weekend actually roles around and I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, but deciding in advance what I would do and when, made it much easier (though still far from perfect, for example I didn't get the essays done until the afternoon) in addition to just a few minutes of some other meditations and techniques to help clean myself.
This is something I postulated was important, and it seems to be confirmed. I've heard many of my friends who do therapy, or energy work, or even massage, mention that they have to clean themselves after a day of working with clients. some of what they work with is like cleaning mud off people, and in doing so, eventually you get mud on you, and you need to make sure to give yourself a shower at the end of the day. I think teaching is like that. You are interacting with all of these people, some of which have a lot of emotional mud on them, and you're trying to help clean it off, direct them towards better choices, build self esteem, comfort, be compassionate, problem solve, inspire, discipline. It is sometimes like trying to clean off some very sticky mud from someone. A cleaning job that you have to work at for weeks and months, perhaps years.
When I realized that my own energy was getting dirty and I started doing something about it, it made a big difference. It's still a super intense, demanding job, I still feel anxiety sometimes, and I am tired and brain-fried by the end of the day. But taking even a little bit of time, to consciously do things that clean me up, emotionally, energetically, makes a very big difference in the quality of my life.
Which means I can be more present and compassionate for the kids, and have more energy to do the seemingly endless tasks that need doing. And have a bit more energy for facing the truly challenging tasks.
But it's just the first week of this, so perhaps too soon to tell. For now I'll keep working at it, since it seems to be doing good things.
And I can't wait for Thanksgiving, and even more so, Christmas break. Oh how I crave a longer weekend. If you are a new teacher or know a new teacher, the first year being really intense is a real thing. (and I've heard that can continue to be intense through the second year as well), be compassionate with them/yourself.
With Love,
-I Out
On the plus side, I put some serious energy and thought into recuperation and purification, and it seems to be working. I'm not doing any less work, in fact, I'm doing more work.
But what I've changed is I'm using all the tools in my arsenal, from precommitments and implementation intentions, to Odysseus contracts and social accountability, to steer myself towards some more rejuvenating recovery time. Mostly on the weekends, but a few minutes during the week as well.
First off, I tried asking the friends I was hanging out with Friday and Saturday night, to help me leave and go to bed earlier. I'd call that an Odysseus contract. (I wonder if I need to explain that more completely. yeah, probably.)
An 'odyesuss contract' comes from the part of the Odyssey where Odysseus is about to sail by the sirens. he's curious what their song is like, to be able to lure men to their deaths, but he also doesn't want to die, so he has all his sailors plug their ears with wax (the best kind of Odysseus contract/precommitment strategy) and tie him up to the ship mast, with very clear instructions not to untie him, no matter what he says, until they are clear of the sirens. They sail by, the sirens, sing, Odysseus yells and begs his men to let him go, they don't, and then they're clear. So the idea is, set things up, so when your willpower is weakest, you have other things in place to make sure you're steered in the right direction.
In my case, some friends who will help remind me that I really do want to go to bed on time, and also, by reminding me, implicitly state that it's OK for me to leave (which is one of the reasons I end up staying later than I mean to: I feel bad about leaving.)
That worked very well. The next hurdle was when I got home, actually going to bed. This part didn't work great, but I did set clear intentions, and it went better than the previous week, and way better than the week before that, so hopefully it's a good pattern.
I then set implementation intentions and pre-decided that Saturday morning was for getting some of my Montessori training essays done (at least two) and then do some spiritual purification. I actually did a full on half-hour long guided meditation to energetically and emotionally cleanse myself, among other things. It's hard to get myself to decide to do something like that, once the weekend actually roles around and I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, but deciding in advance what I would do and when, made it much easier (though still far from perfect, for example I didn't get the essays done until the afternoon) in addition to just a few minutes of some other meditations and techniques to help clean myself.
This is something I postulated was important, and it seems to be confirmed. I've heard many of my friends who do therapy, or energy work, or even massage, mention that they have to clean themselves after a day of working with clients. some of what they work with is like cleaning mud off people, and in doing so, eventually you get mud on you, and you need to make sure to give yourself a shower at the end of the day. I think teaching is like that. You are interacting with all of these people, some of which have a lot of emotional mud on them, and you're trying to help clean it off, direct them towards better choices, build self esteem, comfort, be compassionate, problem solve, inspire, discipline. It is sometimes like trying to clean off some very sticky mud from someone. A cleaning job that you have to work at for weeks and months, perhaps years.
When I realized that my own energy was getting dirty and I started doing something about it, it made a big difference. It's still a super intense, demanding job, I still feel anxiety sometimes, and I am tired and brain-fried by the end of the day. But taking even a little bit of time, to consciously do things that clean me up, emotionally, energetically, makes a very big difference in the quality of my life.
Which means I can be more present and compassionate for the kids, and have more energy to do the seemingly endless tasks that need doing. And have a bit more energy for facing the truly challenging tasks.
But it's just the first week of this, so perhaps too soon to tell. For now I'll keep working at it, since it seems to be doing good things.
And I can't wait for Thanksgiving, and even more so, Christmas break. Oh how I crave a longer weekend. If you are a new teacher or know a new teacher, the first year being really intense is a real thing. (and I've heard that can continue to be intense through the second year as well), be compassionate with them/yourself.
With Love,
-I Out
Monday, October 29, 2018
Whoops! Stress, Recuperation, The over-tired baby.
Wow, I had completely forgotten about this, until someone reminded me of something else I was supposed to write, that I had completely forgotten about.
I don't have much more to say than that, really. Every day after work I feel like one of those asfalt flatteners has run me over.
I'm trying... well, many things. I'm trying to figure out how I can work and not feel like that at the end of the day, or if that's even possible (is it how I'm approaching it, or is it just a building up endurance thing, or some of each, or something else entirely?)
And how I can get enough recuperation that I'm somewhat fresh for the new day, and not so run down by the weekend that I'm too tired to even rest properly. (is that what "overtired" means?)
I appreciate the motivation that this job gives me to push myself. I appreciate my kind, funny, supportive, skilled coworkers. I'm grateful for getting to do something that feels meaningful to me. And I'm grateful for getting to work with a bunch of kids who I love. I'm grateful for many, many things about my job, and my life overall.
But I'm also going through what I think is the fairly universal first year teacher experience (TM) which is a quite stressful ordeal. Anxiety, self-doubt, deep exhaustion. They are things, they are real. I'm handling them as best I can, and I believe I'll come out the other side, I just need to keep going.
But yeah, it's a lot. Many aspects of my life are falling away because I just don't have time or energy for them. I'll try and keep up this blog if I at all can, but it seems possible that I may wake up one day and realize I haven't posted here or even thought about it for a few weeks, because too many other things have crowded it out of my tired brain.
In any case, peace be with you, may your lives be filled with light and goodness, and may you find goodness and gratitude even in the bitter parts of life: if not for the pleasure they give you, for the learnings they impart.
With love to all those dear to me, and a general benevolent love to the unknown persons who've accidentally somehow stumbled upon this,
^_^
-Isaac
I don't have much more to say than that, really. Every day after work I feel like one of those asfalt flatteners has run me over.
I'm trying... well, many things. I'm trying to figure out how I can work and not feel like that at the end of the day, or if that's even possible (is it how I'm approaching it, or is it just a building up endurance thing, or some of each, or something else entirely?)
And how I can get enough recuperation that I'm somewhat fresh for the new day, and not so run down by the weekend that I'm too tired to even rest properly. (is that what "overtired" means?)
I appreciate the motivation that this job gives me to push myself. I appreciate my kind, funny, supportive, skilled coworkers. I'm grateful for getting to do something that feels meaningful to me. And I'm grateful for getting to work with a bunch of kids who I love. I'm grateful for many, many things about my job, and my life overall.
But I'm also going through what I think is the fairly universal first year teacher experience (TM) which is a quite stressful ordeal. Anxiety, self-doubt, deep exhaustion. They are things, they are real. I'm handling them as best I can, and I believe I'll come out the other side, I just need to keep going.
But yeah, it's a lot. Many aspects of my life are falling away because I just don't have time or energy for them. I'll try and keep up this blog if I at all can, but it seems possible that I may wake up one day and realize I haven't posted here or even thought about it for a few weeks, because too many other things have crowded it out of my tired brain.
In any case, peace be with you, may your lives be filled with light and goodness, and may you find goodness and gratitude even in the bitter parts of life: if not for the pleasure they give you, for the learnings they impart.
With love to all those dear to me, and a general benevolent love to the unknown persons who've accidentally somehow stumbled upon this,
^_^
-Isaac
Monday, October 22, 2018
The best medicine
humor, as the saying goes.
I think I'm on the edge of getting sick, but I'll be a hog's belly before I just let that happen. People try all sorts of potions and remedies to avoid and return from being sick, but really I think the most effective things are the simplest. But not the easiest. Getting enough rest, for example. Simple, but much harder than popping some pills.
Being happy. Simple. But not something you can force. It's a subtle game, to both respect and honor whatever feelings you have, and at the same time, relentlessly shift your focus back to gratitude, hope, love. If you don't properly honor your present moment internal state, you get repression, which is super unhealthy, and unpleasant. If you don't consciously choose to focus on gratitude and such things, you can get stuck in a dark bog of negativity, where the negative thoughts feed on and echo themselves in a negative spiral.
I'm still figuring out the balance for myself. But as with all things, as I consciously work on it, I'm getting better. Better at genuine positivity in my life, no matter the situation.
There's a saying, I think it's from an ancient Greek philosopher, "nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Perhaps you have qualms with that, but it would certainly lead to an interesting discussion, no matter where you fall on the matter.
I don't think it's as simple as deciding to be happy, since we're dealing with our subconscious and emotional minds as well, that don't just obey our every command. But I do think our beliefs and paradigms and interpretations are what shape our experience of life.
So I'm working on consciously shaping mine. It's slow going, but so are most of the amazing things I've done or had done to me in my life so far.
I know something must be up with my body, because I'm planning to go to bed as soon as I possibly can, and rather than dreading laying in bed with my mind whirring and nothing to do, I am euphoric at the idea. I think I could go to sleep right now, and it's 7:30. I feel so grateful for sleep. Thank you for rest, for peace, for health and strength, and for a biologically enforced break.
Good night and good week, all. Stay healthy, if you can.
^_^
-Isaac
And here's some "medicine":
I think I'm on the edge of getting sick, but I'll be a hog's belly before I just let that happen. People try all sorts of potions and remedies to avoid and return from being sick, but really I think the most effective things are the simplest. But not the easiest. Getting enough rest, for example. Simple, but much harder than popping some pills.
Being happy. Simple. But not something you can force. It's a subtle game, to both respect and honor whatever feelings you have, and at the same time, relentlessly shift your focus back to gratitude, hope, love. If you don't properly honor your present moment internal state, you get repression, which is super unhealthy, and unpleasant. If you don't consciously choose to focus on gratitude and such things, you can get stuck in a dark bog of negativity, where the negative thoughts feed on and echo themselves in a negative spiral.
I'm still figuring out the balance for myself. But as with all things, as I consciously work on it, I'm getting better. Better at genuine positivity in my life, no matter the situation.
There's a saying, I think it's from an ancient Greek philosopher, "nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Perhaps you have qualms with that, but it would certainly lead to an interesting discussion, no matter where you fall on the matter.
I don't think it's as simple as deciding to be happy, since we're dealing with our subconscious and emotional minds as well, that don't just obey our every command. But I do think our beliefs and paradigms and interpretations are what shape our experience of life.
So I'm working on consciously shaping mine. It's slow going, but so are most of the amazing things I've done or had done to me in my life so far.
I know something must be up with my body, because I'm planning to go to bed as soon as I possibly can, and rather than dreading laying in bed with my mind whirring and nothing to do, I am euphoric at the idea. I think I could go to sleep right now, and it's 7:30. I feel so grateful for sleep. Thank you for rest, for peace, for health and strength, and for a biologically enforced break.
Good night and good week, all. Stay healthy, if you can.
^_^
-Isaac
And here's some "medicine":
Monday, October 15, 2018
Gratitude, anxiety, focus
I don't have time for much this week.
Slowly, I'm feeling less anxious, less often. And less overwhelmed less often. I've got a great assistant who's more seasoned than me at classroom management, and that is a tremendous gift. There are still huge vast amounts to learn and improve, but at least I'm not feeling like curling up into a ball in a hole in the ground and sucking my thumb during all my off time.
It's exciting to be learning, and I am learning and growing quickly because of the pressure of all those relying on me, but the pressure is not horrible and crushing. It's just enough to keep me working with focus and dedication, which is ideal, once there's no longer the anxiety surrounding it. And still pretty good, even with some anxiety. I feel blessed to be in the situation I'm in. Gratitude over and over to the benevolent intelligence of the universe guiding and guarding me, and all the people that make it possible.
Love,
Isaac
Slowly, I'm feeling less anxious, less often. And less overwhelmed less often. I've got a great assistant who's more seasoned than me at classroom management, and that is a tremendous gift. There are still huge vast amounts to learn and improve, but at least I'm not feeling like curling up into a ball in a hole in the ground and sucking my thumb during all my off time.
It's exciting to be learning, and I am learning and growing quickly because of the pressure of all those relying on me, but the pressure is not horrible and crushing. It's just enough to keep me working with focus and dedication, which is ideal, once there's no longer the anxiety surrounding it. And still pretty good, even with some anxiety. I feel blessed to be in the situation I'm in. Gratitude over and over to the benevolent intelligence of the universe guiding and guarding me, and all the people that make it possible.
Love,
Isaac
Monday, October 8, 2018
Pic not related.
how can I do this as quickly as possible?
Though I wake up Monday mornings (and some other mornings) with a knot of anxiety in my chest, worrying about how I will do this week, though I'm quite pooped in body and soul by the end of the week, I've decided that by sheer dint of will and determination, I'm going to have a good time, with my life, with my work.
So much of life is in the interpretation, in the perspective. There are always good things to be found, in any day. As there are always bad things. So I wonder what the repercussions are of choosing to focus on stuff I can complain about, vs. stuff I can be thankful for. Of course, you can take this too far and ignore the very real negative emotions you are feeling, and that's not healthy at all.
That whole subtlety is a long conversation in its own right. the TL; DR is just, I think: don't dwell and roll around in your angst, but do acknowledge and allow all your feelings to be felt, and then focus on the good, and reframe the bad.
I'm not in a rush here. I'm in this for the long haul. I'll find my balance. Perhaps in a kind of balanced imbalance. I like the analogy of running: you are constantly falling forwards, when running. If you stopped putting one foot in front of the other, you'd fall smack on your face. But by taking step after step, you find a kind of balance in that imbalance, where your momentum keeps you just perfectly in that leaning forward place that allows you to move fastest.
It's like that with life in general, I think: if you want to grow and progress, you need to be leaning into life. Often leaning into discomfort. But you don't want it to be fall-on-your-face discomfort. You want a kind of energetic, engaged ease and flexibility in that falling forward motion, a poise, that allows you to maintain it long term. too much leaning into discomfort and you scrape your face on the asphalt. too little lean and you end up moving very slowly, or, if you try and move quickly, you fall on your butt with your legs way in front of you.
... I've lost the thread of the analogy.
In any case, I'm looking for that: that comfort with the "leaning into life": the discomfort and uncertainty and failure. Along with the driving action necessary to move forward. (the legs moving/running) It's a challenging place to get to, but it is without a doubt the best possible posture for rapid growth and progress.
Finally, at least, I have a task, a mission, that I have no doubt is worthwhile, and deserves every ounce of effort I can muster towards it. That is one of the greatest blessings of my life right now.
Good night all ^_^
P.S.
here's a photo dump of various happenings over the last few weeks:
If you don't know banksy: here's a link
He's... interesting.
Though I wake up Monday mornings (and some other mornings) with a knot of anxiety in my chest, worrying about how I will do this week, though I'm quite pooped in body and soul by the end of the week, I've decided that by sheer dint of will and determination, I'm going to have a good time, with my life, with my work.
So much of life is in the interpretation, in the perspective. There are always good things to be found, in any day. As there are always bad things. So I wonder what the repercussions are of choosing to focus on stuff I can complain about, vs. stuff I can be thankful for. Of course, you can take this too far and ignore the very real negative emotions you are feeling, and that's not healthy at all.
That whole subtlety is a long conversation in its own right. the TL; DR is just, I think: don't dwell and roll around in your angst, but do acknowledge and allow all your feelings to be felt, and then focus on the good, and reframe the bad.
I'm not in a rush here. I'm in this for the long haul. I'll find my balance. Perhaps in a kind of balanced imbalance. I like the analogy of running: you are constantly falling forwards, when running. If you stopped putting one foot in front of the other, you'd fall smack on your face. But by taking step after step, you find a kind of balance in that imbalance, where your momentum keeps you just perfectly in that leaning forward place that allows you to move fastest.
It's like that with life in general, I think: if you want to grow and progress, you need to be leaning into life. Often leaning into discomfort. But you don't want it to be fall-on-your-face discomfort. You want a kind of energetic, engaged ease and flexibility in that falling forward motion, a poise, that allows you to maintain it long term. too much leaning into discomfort and you scrape your face on the asphalt. too little lean and you end up moving very slowly, or, if you try and move quickly, you fall on your butt with your legs way in front of you.
... I've lost the thread of the analogy.
In any case, I'm looking for that: that comfort with the "leaning into life": the discomfort and uncertainty and failure. Along with the driving action necessary to move forward. (the legs moving/running) It's a challenging place to get to, but it is without a doubt the best possible posture for rapid growth and progress.
Finally, at least, I have a task, a mission, that I have no doubt is worthwhile, and deserves every ounce of effort I can muster towards it. That is one of the greatest blessings of my life right now.
Good night all ^_^
P.S.
here's a photo dump of various happenings over the last few weeks:
 |
| Speaking of Analogies... perhaps the one I just gave was worse than I thought and the government is coming for me. This is an actual truck that parked next to me. I am delighted that such a thing exists. |
 |
| awesome huge praying mantis I saw on the front door to my school. I learned my lesson from last time and didn't tell the kids. |
 |
| ...some kinds can handle holding bugs gently or just giving the thier distance, but I showed some kids a monarch butterfly chrysalis, and one kid tore it off its perch onto the ground, killing the crystalis. I felt horrible and horrified. As did most of the kids, I think. |
 |
| Some awesome cute/ugly ducks that were hanging out for a few weeks along the back road to my aunts house. I find their knobbly red skin super cute. But it makes me think how I'd probably find the same feature on a person ugly. Who decides? In any case, I found there continual presence soothing and delightful. Most of this series is about delightful things, I guess. |
 |
| Finally, what looked like a banksy-esk art installation, but might have just been some dropped off garbage |
 |
| I felt like zooming in was somehow appropriately dramatic so I've included the series of photo's here. |
 |
| as a more creepy note, right nearby was a big crack in the sidewalk were I saw on of the biggest spiders I've ever seen outside of tarantula exhibits in zoo's. It's Abdomen was the size of a grape. O.O |
 |
| In any case, I feel like this picture, especially the first one, is some kind of commentary on impermanence and time. If it was accidental, it's delightful, and if it was on purpose, good job banksy fan. |
If you don't know banksy: here's a link
He's... interesting.
Sunday, September 30, 2018
Have pics, don't have time to post them. Self-compassion and responsibility and faith.
I have some interesting pictures I want to share. I saw a huge, full grown praying mantis, and an really interesting accidental art installation about impermanence and life.
Life continues to be full to overflowing, with challenge, and with goodness. I've decided to take a stubbornly positive view on it all. The challenges are opportunities to learn and grow. God is watching over, guiding and protecting me. All is and will be well, in the grand scheme, and any problems and difficulties are not so big, compared to when you look up and marvel at the milky way.
Yes, there is anxiety, but that is just a small step away from excitement. Even just looking at it from a different perspective can change it from one to the other. Yes there is fatigue, but there is also enough energy. yes, there is failure, there is not being good yet, but there is learning from that failure, and turning it therefor into success, growth towards goodness and greatness.
The universe is absolute perfection, unbelievably loving, caring, personalized to each one of us. We cannot see it, most of the time, but it doesn't change this fact. We have the freedom to not go along with it, and while still perfect, that results in pain, worry, and such. But when we do let go and allow the current of the universe to carry us, when we allow for the possibility of a kind universe, when we look with the eyes of Divinity, the perspective of gratitude and grace, the results are beautiful, nurturing, miraculous.
It's challenging for me to remember, it's not a habit yet. And it means being naked in a way. I have no excuse for my misery. No one else to blame. I wouldn't recommend trying this at home, so to speak, without some preparation in equanimity and self compassion and Self-Knowledge/inquiry. Otherwise this could end up sounding like self blame. It's not. That's not what I mean. It's trust, faith, and clear seeing. it's understanding what parts of your universe you're responsible for, and what parts you're not.
I should stop trying to explain it. Can't do it in a little blog post. I've been working on the practice of this, day by day, for weeks. And laying the foundations, for months and months.
I suppose the part that I can share that might make sense is just this: it's easy to take stance where you complain about how hard things are, use that as a reason to be unhappy, take on the role of victim, someone who has stuff done to them, rather than someone who does stuff. Someone who is put upon, unfairly hurt, who deserves to be cut a break because of how hard things are. Someone always looking for comfort, reassurance.
Easy, safe, but not very fun. It's harder to stand up against tragedy and look for reasons to smile, laugh, see beauty, be grateful. to take the role of... what's the opposite of victim? beneficiary? Benefactor? Both. To be looking for ways to comfort and lift up others. Harder, but much more fun.
I'm trying to figure out why it feels so vulnerable. I think there's a part of me that's always bracing for impact, for the worst, and I'm afraid if I let go of that, then when the worst happens, I won't be prepared for it, and it will hurt much more. And if I stop saying I'm a victim, then if I do poorly, I have to take responsibility, whereas if I'm a victim of my circumstances, then I have an excuse for doing poorly.
If everything is bad, and I mess up, well there you go, it's because everything is bad. But if everything is amazing, and I do bad, well, what's wrong with you?
But that's not true. There is some solution to this paradox, where I recognize and am grateful for all the beauty and bounty in my life, where I recognize my blessings and my power, and am compassionate and accepting of mistakes. And not expecting/attached to everything I do being a success.
That's definitely all for today. No time for pictures, just need to go to sleeeeeep. So bad.
Life continues to be full to overflowing, with challenge, and with goodness. I've decided to take a stubbornly positive view on it all. The challenges are opportunities to learn and grow. God is watching over, guiding and protecting me. All is and will be well, in the grand scheme, and any problems and difficulties are not so big, compared to when you look up and marvel at the milky way.
Yes, there is anxiety, but that is just a small step away from excitement. Even just looking at it from a different perspective can change it from one to the other. Yes there is fatigue, but there is also enough energy. yes, there is failure, there is not being good yet, but there is learning from that failure, and turning it therefor into success, growth towards goodness and greatness.
The universe is absolute perfection, unbelievably loving, caring, personalized to each one of us. We cannot see it, most of the time, but it doesn't change this fact. We have the freedom to not go along with it, and while still perfect, that results in pain, worry, and such. But when we do let go and allow the current of the universe to carry us, when we allow for the possibility of a kind universe, when we look with the eyes of Divinity, the perspective of gratitude and grace, the results are beautiful, nurturing, miraculous.
It's challenging for me to remember, it's not a habit yet. And it means being naked in a way. I have no excuse for my misery. No one else to blame. I wouldn't recommend trying this at home, so to speak, without some preparation in equanimity and self compassion and Self-Knowledge/inquiry. Otherwise this could end up sounding like self blame. It's not. That's not what I mean. It's trust, faith, and clear seeing. it's understanding what parts of your universe you're responsible for, and what parts you're not.
I should stop trying to explain it. Can't do it in a little blog post. I've been working on the practice of this, day by day, for weeks. And laying the foundations, for months and months.
I suppose the part that I can share that might make sense is just this: it's easy to take stance where you complain about how hard things are, use that as a reason to be unhappy, take on the role of victim, someone who has stuff done to them, rather than someone who does stuff. Someone who is put upon, unfairly hurt, who deserves to be cut a break because of how hard things are. Someone always looking for comfort, reassurance.
Easy, safe, but not very fun. It's harder to stand up against tragedy and look for reasons to smile, laugh, see beauty, be grateful. to take the role of... what's the opposite of victim? beneficiary? Benefactor? Both. To be looking for ways to comfort and lift up others. Harder, but much more fun.
I'm trying to figure out why it feels so vulnerable. I think there's a part of me that's always bracing for impact, for the worst, and I'm afraid if I let go of that, then when the worst happens, I won't be prepared for it, and it will hurt much more. And if I stop saying I'm a victim, then if I do poorly, I have to take responsibility, whereas if I'm a victim of my circumstances, then I have an excuse for doing poorly.
If everything is bad, and I mess up, well there you go, it's because everything is bad. But if everything is amazing, and I do bad, well, what's wrong with you?
But that's not true. There is some solution to this paradox, where I recognize and am grateful for all the beauty and bounty in my life, where I recognize my blessings and my power, and am compassionate and accepting of mistakes. And not expecting/attached to everything I do being a success.
That's definitely all for today. No time for pictures, just need to go to sleeeeeep. So bad.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Actual brevity
The caterpillar escaped. And I noticed the unusual poop that seems to precede pupating, so I think I may have butterfly/moth chrysalis somewhere in my room. Fascinating.
This weekend was... not so productive. I've been referring to it as "the dog got off the leash."
I think this happens more frequently when the work weeks are particularly intense. There's kind of a build up of pressure, and when there's a chance for release, when I give myself a little slack on my leash, I just bolt for it. Which is pretty tame looking because I'm an introvert, so no wild parties. Just some walks with friends and a bit of late night netflix binging. Pretty tame, all things considered. I even got some work done.
It's just that, given the amount of work and projects I have, I kind of wish I'd been able to work super hard straight through the weekend, so I could feel more relief from all that pressure of the various deadlines looming, relating to work, to my Montessori schooling, to various other things. The weekend feels too short. I want another day. I suspect this is a relatable feeling among many.
But it is Sunday night. Once more into the breach ;)
Much love to all of you, my friends and family. I miss having more time with you.
Hey, a post that was actually short. Cool :-)
IO
This weekend was... not so productive. I've been referring to it as "the dog got off the leash."
I think this happens more frequently when the work weeks are particularly intense. There's kind of a build up of pressure, and when there's a chance for release, when I give myself a little slack on my leash, I just bolt for it. Which is pretty tame looking because I'm an introvert, so no wild parties. Just some walks with friends and a bit of late night netflix binging. Pretty tame, all things considered. I even got some work done.
It's just that, given the amount of work and projects I have, I kind of wish I'd been able to work super hard straight through the weekend, so I could feel more relief from all that pressure of the various deadlines looming, relating to work, to my Montessori schooling, to various other things. The weekend feels too short. I want another day. I suspect this is a relatable feeling among many.
But it is Sunday night. Once more into the breach ;)
Much love to all of you, my friends and family. I miss having more time with you.
Hey, a post that was actually short. Cool :-)
IO
Monday, September 17, 2018
Personal Pics. Flower Apocalypse. Mold Almonds. Caterpillars to Butterflies.
As usual these days, I don't have much time, so I'll try to be concise.
Unusual is that I have a few pictures from my own life to share:
From a while ago: my aunts house (where I'm staying) has a beautiful vine that's consuming everything, but I don't think anybody minds because it is super-prolific with fragrant white flowers.
Makes me think vaguely of about environmental imbalance and armageddon, but with a happy spin on it. Like, we're all going to die, but our deaths will be due to an overabundance of beautiful flowers. If you have to go some way, that doesn't sound too bad.
 |
| (Photos of the earth-devouring, idyllic plant) |
Now to today: I went to sleep and woke up anxious. Common feeling for a new teacher (maybe for an old teacher as well?)
One thing a mentor told me last night was that energy, which could be interpreted as anxiety, but also could be interpreted as excitement, is actually not a bad thing: it keeps us on our toes, as teachers, it keeps us fresh, present, and the energy generated can be used to power our preparation and teaching.
I really like that interpretation. Though I’m still working on converting my anxiety into excitement via the magic of perspective.
In addition I was working on faith, as a way of staying connected to source, spirit, throughout the day, despite anxiety, being super busy without time for silence, etc. Faith that all is untimely for our best, because not a blade of grass blows without God’s will.
(and incidentally, if we allow ourselves to be guided by our internal voice of good, of spirit, conscience, intuition, however we want to call it, it’s the state of being in flow with life and our own highest wisdom and heart. When we are doing that, then our life becomes maximally good. But no matter what, the universe is giving us the best it can. Not always what we want, but what we need, to grow towards and pupate into our butterfly form.
With that faith, there is a certain relaxation. Even in the midst of anxiety, that allows for a clear head, and at least some level of connection to Source, to the light within.
Anyways, today seemed to go well, I didn’t get emotionally triggered and remembered often to center and check in with that internal compass of light.
And then, walking to my car across the school soccer field, I found a FIVE leaf clover! What a playful little wink from the universe. I feel much gratitude.
Pics or it didn’t happen, right? One of the things I like about having a good phone camera is I can capture beauty or whimsy without destroying the thing. A potted flower rather than a cut one, so to speak. Here it is:
Final things: as I was almost home, I saw yet another of these black, fuzzy, extremely quick moving caterpillars running across the road. I don’t see how they could understand the concept of traffic, but to all appearances that’s exactly what they’re doing, trying to get across before they get run over. I remember there have been a lot of them this season because I always feel really bad when I don’t notice them until too late and potentially run them over (potentially because there’s no way to check, they’re too small to see in the rearview mirror and I don’t know exactly where me wheels are.)
Anyways, I got it into a jar with some leaves and a stick, and at the very least I will enjoy it’s presence, but maybe I can share my fascination with the kids.
Again, a personal picture to illustrate:
It’s cozyer now, I’ve added a bunch of different leaves in an attempt to see what it likes. So far it’s been fond of fruit tree leaves.
Last, my attempt to sprout almonds resulted in growing something entirely different. A smelly, feather-thin mold. I suspect the almonds weren’t of the highest quality, even though they were “raw” and organic. I’ll have to try a different supplier than the local health food store.
And that’s all for the week.
Man, it still took to long. Far, far too long. Now it's time to prep my writing lesson and go to sleeeeep.
In the future my posts may simply have to be “Hello. No time for a long post this week. Goodbye”
until then,
Love ^_^
-I
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
Late and Great
My wall of progress grows day by day.
You can tell my level of preoccupation by how late this post is (that is, past the weekend.)
Most days I'm staying to 5ish. today was... I don't remember. Somewhere around 5:30-5:50 I think. There is just so much to do, what other option do I have? And then I get up between 4:30 and 5, do my morning devotions, and then work till I have to leave for school, doing some of my more challenging work in the morning, before my brain is fried. I keep trying to fit more work time into the morning, but there is only so much I can condense my morning routine. It is the bedrock of my sanity and health, so cutting into that too much is like eating your planting grain.
(is that analogy lost on people? In the olden days, you grew your own food, and you saved enough of the seeds that you harvested, so you could plant another crop next year. Wheat and rice are seeds. So if you eat your planting seeds, then you have a bit more food in the short run, but you've just ruined yourself in the future. Kind of what we're doing in general with the environment.)
A cool thing is that somehow my body seems to at least partially have adjusted to the increased workload and work hours. When I was first starting up, I would get home at whenever, 4:30, and immediately collapse into a nap, before I could do anything. Now I get home at 5:30 or 6, meditate for a bit, eat dinner, and get back to work until bedtime.
I take breaks, I spend time with friends... but not a huge amount. And yet, it seems to be working ok.
I blame spirit. I'm clinging to my experience of a higher power, to the peace and silence found in meditation, and to the serenity of surrender and contentment and equanimity. During my short breaks, I'm immersing myself in the words of profound spiritual teachers, or doing spiritual practises, and it's nourishing not just to the soul, but to the emotions and body.
I think I've said this before: the intensity of the work is actually a motivator to be even more rigorous with my spiritual practice, because I'm on a much higher tightrope now, so I balancing practises are no longer just for fun, they are a safety necessity. Also, I feel the work I'm doing is super important, so that fires me up to put in the extra hours and efforts and sacrifice some unnecessary comforts. This is not a day job to pay the bills. I'm in it to win it, and by "win it" I mean make little kids awesome for the rest of their lives. (still some work to do before I "win" that one ;)
Being with actual people, time with friends, is important too, and meditation can't replace that part. But how much of that I actually need... as my path of devotion gets more concrete, I find that some of the heart nourishment that I crave can actually be met by the tender presence of a loving God that I feel viscerally and imminently now, after long search and practice. In many ways, God is the idea friend and beloved. God will always be there when you call. He/She is never too busy with work, never far away, never angry or unforgiving or crabby. Always unimaginably giving. Pouring out blessings like a massive waterfall, more than you could possibly make use of.
I understand this is not most peoples experience and I respect that. Your reality is true for you, your world is what you experience. But I do want to suggest that this experience I have is neither exclusive nor close to the heights of what is possible. It is available to all who seek earnestly and with persistence. (for many, persistence is key, as it can take a while)
Also, it probably sounds better than it feels. it's very nice, but it's also not that far from normal. But that's a hard thing to describe in words. The whole, "after the ecstasy, the dishes" thing. I don't know how I would compare myself to someone else, since I don't know what their experience is, but it's not like I'm going through constant incapacitating pleasure. Sometimes I'm anxious, or exhausted, or sad and lonely, or any of that other stuff. But also, often I feel the warm presence of the Creator, holding my hand as I walk through the anxiety and pain.
Another wonderful occurrence is I'm noticing my ability to cut through the unimportant and do the tasks that are essential is improving. Still a long way to go, but I'm working at it and getting better at:
a) identifying what really needs to get done
b) doing it without hesitation or procrastination
So, summary: still very, very much a work in progress, but progress is happening. Really good progress.
So, yay, I have something positive to share this time. Hope it was worth the wait ;-)
Goodnight, goodbye, have a blessed week.
-IO
You can tell my level of preoccupation by how late this post is (that is, past the weekend.)
Most days I'm staying to 5ish. today was... I don't remember. Somewhere around 5:30-5:50 I think. There is just so much to do, what other option do I have? And then I get up between 4:30 and 5, do my morning devotions, and then work till I have to leave for school, doing some of my more challenging work in the morning, before my brain is fried. I keep trying to fit more work time into the morning, but there is only so much I can condense my morning routine. It is the bedrock of my sanity and health, so cutting into that too much is like eating your planting grain.
(is that analogy lost on people? In the olden days, you grew your own food, and you saved enough of the seeds that you harvested, so you could plant another crop next year. Wheat and rice are seeds. So if you eat your planting seeds, then you have a bit more food in the short run, but you've just ruined yourself in the future. Kind of what we're doing in general with the environment.)
A cool thing is that somehow my body seems to at least partially have adjusted to the increased workload and work hours. When I was first starting up, I would get home at whenever, 4:30, and immediately collapse into a nap, before I could do anything. Now I get home at 5:30 or 6, meditate for a bit, eat dinner, and get back to work until bedtime.
I take breaks, I spend time with friends... but not a huge amount. And yet, it seems to be working ok.
I blame spirit. I'm clinging to my experience of a higher power, to the peace and silence found in meditation, and to the serenity of surrender and contentment and equanimity. During my short breaks, I'm immersing myself in the words of profound spiritual teachers, or doing spiritual practises, and it's nourishing not just to the soul, but to the emotions and body.
I think I've said this before: the intensity of the work is actually a motivator to be even more rigorous with my spiritual practice, because I'm on a much higher tightrope now, so I balancing practises are no longer just for fun, they are a safety necessity. Also, I feel the work I'm doing is super important, so that fires me up to put in the extra hours and efforts and sacrifice some unnecessary comforts. This is not a day job to pay the bills. I'm in it to win it, and by "win it" I mean make little kids awesome for the rest of their lives. (still some work to do before I "win" that one ;)
Being with actual people, time with friends, is important too, and meditation can't replace that part. But how much of that I actually need... as my path of devotion gets more concrete, I find that some of the heart nourishment that I crave can actually be met by the tender presence of a loving God that I feel viscerally and imminently now, after long search and practice. In many ways, God is the idea friend and beloved. God will always be there when you call. He/She is never too busy with work, never far away, never angry or unforgiving or crabby. Always unimaginably giving. Pouring out blessings like a massive waterfall, more than you could possibly make use of.
I understand this is not most peoples experience and I respect that. Your reality is true for you, your world is what you experience. But I do want to suggest that this experience I have is neither exclusive nor close to the heights of what is possible. It is available to all who seek earnestly and with persistence. (for many, persistence is key, as it can take a while)
Also, it probably sounds better than it feels. it's very nice, but it's also not that far from normal. But that's a hard thing to describe in words. The whole, "after the ecstasy, the dishes" thing. I don't know how I would compare myself to someone else, since I don't know what their experience is, but it's not like I'm going through constant incapacitating pleasure. Sometimes I'm anxious, or exhausted, or sad and lonely, or any of that other stuff. But also, often I feel the warm presence of the Creator, holding my hand as I walk through the anxiety and pain.
Another wonderful occurrence is I'm noticing my ability to cut through the unimportant and do the tasks that are essential is improving. Still a long way to go, but I'm working at it and getting better at:
a) identifying what really needs to get done
b) doing it without hesitation or procrastination
So, summary: still very, very much a work in progress, but progress is happening. Really good progress.
So, yay, I have something positive to share this time. Hope it was worth the wait ;-)
Goodnight, goodbye, have a blessed week.
-IO
 |
| I'm the little girl, in this analogy |
Monday, September 3, 2018
Watermelons and my Wall O' Progress
From the Archives:
Idea for a short skit: guy selling watermelons by the side of the road, hot summer day, handwritten sign, humble prices,
another guy in average business clothes walks by, looks at them for a bit, as if deciding, then when seller looks away, grabs one of the watermelons and tries to make a run for it. Seller chasing after the thief, who is soon sweating profusely, gasping and panting, desperately trying get away, clutching the watermelon close to his chest with a death grip, periodically glancing back at the shopkeeper who's running after him.
I just think it's a funny image but you could make up something about the greed of the capitalist upper class, or the Buddhist idea of suffering caused by attachment that could be avoided by detachment, or the rising cost of living. That's how you know it's art: it's archetypal (read: vague, idiosnycratic, bizarre) enough that people can create their own meaning from it. (I'm joking about that definition, just to be clear)
From Life:
Finished a large project, a big chunk of homework from the summer is done now (if I don't have revisions to make on it.)
And even have a few hours to take care of some other big ticket to-do's.
I've started taping my completed to-do's (I like using paper for that kind of stuff) up onto a part of my room I've labeled "Isaac's Wall O' Progress" so I can start feeling good about all the stuff I'm getting done. Much of what I do is just a mental note though, so it's not filling up as fast as I'm actually completing stuff. But it is deeply satisfying to put things that I've completed, there. It's so easy to forget how much you've done and just think about how much there is left to do.
Learning to teach, and learning to lead (because a lot of what you do as a good teacher is lead. It's sometimes called classroom management, but remember, "managers" in the traditional business sense, are supposed to be leaders of a sort.) and learning to teach discipline effectively and with kindness. All these are challenging things to learn. And anxiety producing, since I'm continually brought up face to face with my limitations and lack of skill/experience.
But on the bright side, it seems pretty universal to have such an experience, and also universal that the experience has a limited duration. often by the third year, it's no longer anxiety producing. That's reasonable. I can tough out the emotional bumps for that long. Doesn't mean I'm going to be an amazing teacher by then, but at least it won't be an all consuming, overwhelming race that takes up all my mental resources. I plan to continue improving as efficiently as possible, until I'm not just ok, but really good. My goals as a teacher are far beyond (not so) simple academic excellence, but into the inculcation of life skills, self image, empathy, responsibility, respect, a real and vital spirituality. It's only when I am doing an excellent job helping culture awesome human beings, that I'll feel like I can start branching out in my focus once more. (though making a family is likely to happen before that process is done.)
In the mean-time, one of the things I'm focusing on is the psychological discipline of self-compassion. I've read that a lot of that has to do with understanding our shared humanity. For me a lot of it is just being kind and forgiving when I get things wrong, when I make mistakes. It's such an important lesson to learn, and the children need it so badly. It may not be fun to fail, sometimes, but it should not be feared, in 99% of situations. I'm working hard at it, I'm learning from my mistakes, and I'm treating mistakes in such a way that I don't scare myself into being overly conservative or paralyzed. Intelligent risks must be taken. Inaction in teaching often leads to lax discipline, which is not good for kids.
As one of, no, as several of my teachers have said, in one form or another,
"It doesn't matter if what you do is perfect, just do something."
This world needs the action of compassionate, courageous souls. If you have the desire to make the world a kinder more beautiful place, we need you, we need your action. Even if you're not an expert. Just step in and start doing something that you see needs doing.
This is a lesson that I need to learn, and I've been working on it consciously, and its yeilding large positive dividends. But I really have to find ways to be ok with all the times it doesn't go well, or with the idea that it often won't go well.
Another quote I heard recently that I liked, "If you've waited to do something until you felt really ready to do it, you've almost certainly waited too long."
Life is a giant mass of uncertainty and unknown. If you want to dance with it, if you want to drink deep of the limited years you have, you must start getting comfortable with discomfort, uncertainty, not being perfect. Being a perfectionist or a control monster just separate you from life.
As does being a limp noodle that just blows with the breeze. In so many things in life, the secret lies in balance, in the middle path, in the synthesis of seemingly paradoxical opposites.
Kind but Firm Discipline.
Unconditional acceptance and lofty goals/expectation.
Surrender/stillness and intense action
Flexibility and Steadfastness
There is much more I'm planning on getting done before the day is over, so I'll say goodbye for now.
Each week feels like a month these days, with how much new stuff I'm doing, learning, going through. I can really relate to my fellow new students who cry for their mommy and want to just sit alone or follow around a teacher. The first days of school, especially a new school, can be really intimidating.
Anyways, much love to all of you, my friends and family.
Until next time,
-IO
Idea for a short skit: guy selling watermelons by the side of the road, hot summer day, handwritten sign, humble prices,
another guy in average business clothes walks by, looks at them for a bit, as if deciding, then when seller looks away, grabs one of the watermelons and tries to make a run for it. Seller chasing after the thief, who is soon sweating profusely, gasping and panting, desperately trying get away, clutching the watermelon close to his chest with a death grip, periodically glancing back at the shopkeeper who's running after him.
I just think it's a funny image but you could make up something about the greed of the capitalist upper class, or the Buddhist idea of suffering caused by attachment that could be avoided by detachment, or the rising cost of living. That's how you know it's art: it's archetypal (read: vague, idiosnycratic, bizarre) enough that people can create their own meaning from it. (I'm joking about that definition, just to be clear)
From Life:
Finished a large project, a big chunk of homework from the summer is done now (if I don't have revisions to make on it.)
And even have a few hours to take care of some other big ticket to-do's.
I've started taping my completed to-do's (I like using paper for that kind of stuff) up onto a part of my room I've labeled "Isaac's Wall O' Progress" so I can start feeling good about all the stuff I'm getting done. Much of what I do is just a mental note though, so it's not filling up as fast as I'm actually completing stuff. But it is deeply satisfying to put things that I've completed, there. It's so easy to forget how much you've done and just think about how much there is left to do.
Learning to teach, and learning to lead (because a lot of what you do as a good teacher is lead. It's sometimes called classroom management, but remember, "managers" in the traditional business sense, are supposed to be leaders of a sort.) and learning to teach discipline effectively and with kindness. All these are challenging things to learn. And anxiety producing, since I'm continually brought up face to face with my limitations and lack of skill/experience.
But on the bright side, it seems pretty universal to have such an experience, and also universal that the experience has a limited duration. often by the third year, it's no longer anxiety producing. That's reasonable. I can tough out the emotional bumps for that long. Doesn't mean I'm going to be an amazing teacher by then, but at least it won't be an all consuming, overwhelming race that takes up all my mental resources. I plan to continue improving as efficiently as possible, until I'm not just ok, but really good. My goals as a teacher are far beyond (not so) simple academic excellence, but into the inculcation of life skills, self image, empathy, responsibility, respect, a real and vital spirituality. It's only when I am doing an excellent job helping culture awesome human beings, that I'll feel like I can start branching out in my focus once more. (though making a family is likely to happen before that process is done.)
In the mean-time, one of the things I'm focusing on is the psychological discipline of self-compassion. I've read that a lot of that has to do with understanding our shared humanity. For me a lot of it is just being kind and forgiving when I get things wrong, when I make mistakes. It's such an important lesson to learn, and the children need it so badly. It may not be fun to fail, sometimes, but it should not be feared, in 99% of situations. I'm working hard at it, I'm learning from my mistakes, and I'm treating mistakes in such a way that I don't scare myself into being overly conservative or paralyzed. Intelligent risks must be taken. Inaction in teaching often leads to lax discipline, which is not good for kids.
As one of, no, as several of my teachers have said, in one form or another,
"It doesn't matter if what you do is perfect, just do something."
This world needs the action of compassionate, courageous souls. If you have the desire to make the world a kinder more beautiful place, we need you, we need your action. Even if you're not an expert. Just step in and start doing something that you see needs doing.
This is a lesson that I need to learn, and I've been working on it consciously, and its yeilding large positive dividends. But I really have to find ways to be ok with all the times it doesn't go well, or with the idea that it often won't go well.
Another quote I heard recently that I liked, "If you've waited to do something until you felt really ready to do it, you've almost certainly waited too long."
Life is a giant mass of uncertainty and unknown. If you want to dance with it, if you want to drink deep of the limited years you have, you must start getting comfortable with discomfort, uncertainty, not being perfect. Being a perfectionist or a control monster just separate you from life.
As does being a limp noodle that just blows with the breeze. In so many things in life, the secret lies in balance, in the middle path, in the synthesis of seemingly paradoxical opposites.
Kind but Firm Discipline.
Unconditional acceptance and lofty goals/expectation.
Surrender/stillness and intense action
Flexibility and Steadfastness
There is much more I'm planning on getting done before the day is over, so I'll say goodbye for now.
Each week feels like a month these days, with how much new stuff I'm doing, learning, going through. I can really relate to my fellow new students who cry for their mommy and want to just sit alone or follow around a teacher. The first days of school, especially a new school, can be really intimidating.
Anyways, much love to all of you, my friends and family.
Until next time,
-IO
Sunday, August 26, 2018
first year teacher
I'm normally pretty good about watering my plants regularly, but I'm starting to get worried about them. Disorder and mess is a dragon I battle daily. Along with all the tasks that need doing. Hydra is perhaps a better metaphorical monster though. I keep cutting off heads, and more keep popping up. How did the hydra get killed again? Was it it's own acid spit or something?
I said I was going to stop talking about how little time I have, because it's boring. But I have no time to talk about anything in depth this week, so I must at least peripherally mention that as the reason.
I'm working very hard.
I've got more anxiety and discomfort than I've had in awhile.
I've heard that's pretty normal for a first year teacher.
I'm doing my best to maintain some semblance of balance, getting sleep, spending some time with friends, getting at least a few minutes of exercise.
There are jobs that are hard work, and then there are jobs that are not just mentally, but emotionally demanding. This is one of them.
However, as I slowly learn how to be peaceful, happy, and effective in this challenging situation, it will only lead to more and more growth. I just have to be really conscious of avoiding emotional self-harm. It's like a game: how loving and emotionally supportive can I be of myself?
That will pay off dividends, because it means I can teach that to children, by example, and it means less going into "oh I'm a bad person/afraid of failing" (and that negative self-talk causes me to freeze like a rabbit, shut down, and/or withdrawal.)
A challenging aspect of this that I haven't previously addressed is when other people, either via my own warped perception, or in reality, think I'm a bad person/failure. That external reflection makes it harder to convince myself of the opposite, but convince myself I must, for my own sake and that of my little charges. I have to start caring waaaaaay less what people think of me, while still caring what I think of myself (meaning, still caring about putting in a satisfactory effort, doing what's right, serving with love and light.)
We will see how it all goes. This is almost certainly a much softer landing for a first year teacher than a public school, or a higher grade level. I'm with others, more experienced, much of the learning is social emotional so the fact that I deeply care about the children and strive to be a good human being myself counts for a lot, and I'm with people I like.
There is so, so, so much work to do. I whimper psychically when I contemplate it. As I try to do it during my "spare" time, I'm confronted with the impossibility of it, in my current configuration. I need to develop new super-powers, to do this.
Well, necessity is the mother of invention, perhaps it's the mother of evolution as well.
how about a relaxing image to end with. something I might fantasize about during a precious 25 minute nap:
I said I was going to stop talking about how little time I have, because it's boring. But I have no time to talk about anything in depth this week, so I must at least peripherally mention that as the reason.
I'm working very hard.
I've got more anxiety and discomfort than I've had in awhile.
I've heard that's pretty normal for a first year teacher.
I'm doing my best to maintain some semblance of balance, getting sleep, spending some time with friends, getting at least a few minutes of exercise.
There are jobs that are hard work, and then there are jobs that are not just mentally, but emotionally demanding. This is one of them.
However, as I slowly learn how to be peaceful, happy, and effective in this challenging situation, it will only lead to more and more growth. I just have to be really conscious of avoiding emotional self-harm. It's like a game: how loving and emotionally supportive can I be of myself?
That will pay off dividends, because it means I can teach that to children, by example, and it means less going into "oh I'm a bad person/afraid of failing" (and that negative self-talk causes me to freeze like a rabbit, shut down, and/or withdrawal.)
A challenging aspect of this that I haven't previously addressed is when other people, either via my own warped perception, or in reality, think I'm a bad person/failure. That external reflection makes it harder to convince myself of the opposite, but convince myself I must, for my own sake and that of my little charges. I have to start caring waaaaaay less what people think of me, while still caring what I think of myself (meaning, still caring about putting in a satisfactory effort, doing what's right, serving with love and light.)
We will see how it all goes. This is almost certainly a much softer landing for a first year teacher than a public school, or a higher grade level. I'm with others, more experienced, much of the learning is social emotional so the fact that I deeply care about the children and strive to be a good human being myself counts for a lot, and I'm with people I like.
There is so, so, so much work to do. I whimper psychically when I contemplate it. As I try to do it during my "spare" time, I'm confronted with the impossibility of it, in my current configuration. I need to develop new super-powers, to do this.
Well, necessity is the mother of invention, perhaps it's the mother of evolution as well.
how about a relaxing image to end with. something I might fantasize about during a precious 25 minute nap:
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Busy, Made-Up Words, Self-Compassion
General update: school hasn't even started properly, but I'm already super busy and a bit anxious.
I've heard from many sources that people just aren't good at teaching the first year or two, or three, so I should set reasonable goals and be forgiving with myself. I have a hard time being ok doing stuff I'm bad at, and as a friend pointed out to me, it's even worse when other people are sharing the same high expectations of me. "why can't you do it?" "you're right, what's wrong with me?"
Regardless where it's coming from, I'm trying to keep in mind that I need to be super supportive and kind and forgiving with myself as I do this process, because getting depressed and discouraged will only make me less effective.
The sad truth is that few if any education degrees get you anywhere near prepared for actually teaching. There's lots of factual knowledge, but it is locked away until you are able to master all the practical stuff that they didn't teach you, because they can't teach that part theoretically, it has to be learned through experience.
I've just got to put in massive effort (but not so much that I burn out) and be prepared to do a lot of learning from my mistakes, and try and maintain a sense of humor and self-compassion.
I also remember several of my teachers reminding me to intentionally pay attention to the good things that I'm doing. It can be easy to just focus on the negatives, but it makes sense to spend time on the positives, if just for emotional resilience and maintaining joy. (Same advice for the kids, see the good and the strengths and the progress, not just the problems, since we tend to exacerbate what we pay attention to.)
Anyways, I'm in it for the long haul, and I'm about to undertake what might be the most challenging period of that haul (and that's taking into account the crazy busy summer.) I'm thankful for the good work community I'm in: a fun, supportive, skilled, heartfelt bunch of people I get to be working with, and a culture of supporting and training the new staff as they/we transition to greater responsibility. Liking the people you're working with and feeling like a real team makes a big difference.
Anyways, my allotted time is over, on to the next thing.
First, a word I made up a while ago but had forgotten about:
"Cabbernacky"
I haven't decided what it means, it sounds a bit "Alice in Wonderland"-ish, but I mainly like the sound of it.
Until next time (and I think I'm done talking about how busy I am, we can just assume this is continuing to be true until I mention otherwise. It's not a particularly engaging subject, it just happens to be what is going on in my life, every week.)
-IO
I've heard from many sources that people just aren't good at teaching the first year or two, or three, so I should set reasonable goals and be forgiving with myself. I have a hard time being ok doing stuff I'm bad at, and as a friend pointed out to me, it's even worse when other people are sharing the same high expectations of me. "why can't you do it?" "you're right, what's wrong with me?"
Regardless where it's coming from, I'm trying to keep in mind that I need to be super supportive and kind and forgiving with myself as I do this process, because getting depressed and discouraged will only make me less effective.
The sad truth is that few if any education degrees get you anywhere near prepared for actually teaching. There's lots of factual knowledge, but it is locked away until you are able to master all the practical stuff that they didn't teach you, because they can't teach that part theoretically, it has to be learned through experience.
I've just got to put in massive effort (but not so much that I burn out) and be prepared to do a lot of learning from my mistakes, and try and maintain a sense of humor and self-compassion.
I also remember several of my teachers reminding me to intentionally pay attention to the good things that I'm doing. It can be easy to just focus on the negatives, but it makes sense to spend time on the positives, if just for emotional resilience and maintaining joy. (Same advice for the kids, see the good and the strengths and the progress, not just the problems, since we tend to exacerbate what we pay attention to.)
Anyways, I'm in it for the long haul, and I'm about to undertake what might be the most challenging period of that haul (and that's taking into account the crazy busy summer.) I'm thankful for the good work community I'm in: a fun, supportive, skilled, heartfelt bunch of people I get to be working with, and a culture of supporting and training the new staff as they/we transition to greater responsibility. Liking the people you're working with and feeling like a real team makes a big difference.
Anyways, my allotted time is over, on to the next thing.
First, a word I made up a while ago but had forgotten about:
"Cabbernacky"
I haven't decided what it means, it sounds a bit "Alice in Wonderland"-ish, but I mainly like the sound of it.
Until next time (and I think I'm done talking about how busy I am, we can just assume this is continuing to be true until I mention otherwise. It's not a particularly engaging subject, it just happens to be what is going on in my life, every week.)
-IO
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